Chapter 11
The talk-
Saturday morning, everyone cleared out for soccer games. I didn’t think Mike would leave his precious new TV, but he did. No one stayed behind except me. I had the house to myself. It was strange how quiet the home was. The Sanibels kept the place so loud that I often got headaches. I reveled in the peace for a time but then I got bored, so I decided to go exploring. I probably shouldn’t have, but I was curious. I went from room to room, searching all the drawers. Most of them had clothes shoved inside. Some of them had various treasures, like rocks, paper, toys, and garbage.
Peggy and Mike’s drawers were empty since all of their clothes were scattered around the floor. Their room smelt pretty sour, probably having something to do with Mike practically living in there when he got home from work. The bed was piled with clothes, magazines, and dirty dishes, while all the blankets laid in a heap on the floor. I didn’t find anything exciting. When I had finished searching the whole house, I decided to take a shower. I didn’t like showering once a week, wanting to do it more. I wondered if I could sneak a shower in at night when everyone was asleep, not daring to shower while the family was up and around.
The warm shower relaxed my muscles and comforted me. I could have stayed there forever, but I finally dragged myself out because of my wrinkly skin. When I was dried off, I sat at their computer and explored various subjects on the internet. We had to use the internet several times a week at school, so I had a basic understanding of it. While I played on it, I looked up color bands. That’s where I learned the color I was seeing around people was called auras. Not everyone could see auras. That surprised me since they seemed such a natural part of sight. I hadn’t realized others weren’t seeing them. I decided to write down what the colors meant.
Red Anger
Black- stressed
Brown- troubled,
White- teaching or spiritual
Grey- sad, hopeless
Blue grey- empathy
Orange- aggressive, bothered
Yellow- confused
Golden-yellow- hope
Yellow green- nervous, worried
Lime green- full of energy
Dark green- sick
Teal- skittish
Magenta -flustered, ashamed
Dark Pink- silly
Light pink- gitty, playful
Ice blue- very scared
Brilliant Blue- calm and content
Dark blue -bored
Blue-violet- sure of yourself
Violet- happy
Light purple- excited
Blue grey- empathy
Dark grey- ill intent
Mustard Yellow- evil
Since the day had been fairly warm, I was rewarded with an evening boat ride with Peggy. I was glad to finally be out on the water with her again, having stored up many things to ask her, and besides, my fish supply had run out.
After our first hour of silent fishing, I decided to be the one initiating the conversation. It took a few attempts to get my words out, but I finally said, “I have a few questions.”
“Shoot,” Peggy said.
“First, is there any way I can get more clothes. I only have three shirts and two pants. I can’t even get through the week without having to wear something over again.”
“Oh yeah, no problem. We have plenty of clothes.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Second question. How do clothes get washed? Everything of mine is so dirty.”
“Well, you see here, Alora, I decided even before I got married I wasn’t going to become a slave. To me, it seemed like so many young girls sell their freedom of being single, to marry a man and immediately become his slave. They cook for him, clean for him, wipe his nose. I detest the very idea. I have an identity. Now, I don’t mind cooking for Mike or the kids, but that is where it stops. In our home, I am raising responsible children who will make responsible adults. They have learned to do their own cleaning, and their own laundry. My kids know how to work. They don’t depend on me, and they can problem solve. If they see a problem, they don’t come running to me. On their own, they fix it.”
She was good at building herself up. She probably left all the woman in her society in awe at her impeccable parenting skills. But the words she said didn’t reflect the actuality of the matter. Her kids weren’t responsible. None of them knew how to clean. If they made a mess, they walked away from it, leaving it there to further soil things. I wasn’t really sure how the laundry got done. Neither the kids nor Peggy seemed to do it.
“Will you teach me to do my own laundry?” I asked.
“I will teach you once, then you are on your own after that. I only teach things once, otherwise I become an enabler and people become lazy and dependent upon me.”
Peggy was the model of laziness.
“You know,” Peggy said, breaking my thought. “We are pretty lucky. This has been a very warm winter. There are many years when this reservoir is still frozen, and we can’t come out on it with the boat. I like to ice fish, and I have my own shanty, but it’s a lot of work to put up, so I don’t do it much.”
We continued to talk, and I was lucky to catch seven fish. I would have plenty to eat for a while.
The next day was Sunday. Three hour church Sunday. I wondered why the kids didn’t complain more about church. I was ready to crawl out of my skin by the time we got home. Once back, they would happily share everything they had learned in class. They truly seemed to like going. I guess I lacked the vision they had.
Monday, after school, I met with London for the second time. She acted as pumped up to see me as she was the week before. She had brought me several new outfits, which I was very grateful for. She must have noticed the horrific clothes I had been wearing. I found it weird when I wore the new outfits at home, no one there seemed to notice or wonder where they had come from. It taught me I was a tolerated member of their family, not a loved one.
I was a little disappointed, because London didn’t tell me why I must keep secret about her. The first time I had met her at the country store, she had promised this visit she would tell me, but she hadn’t.
The rest of the week in school was mostly dull. I endured class without doing a thing. On Wednesday, they decided to set me up with a number of volunteer tutors. The new tutors sat with me and tried everything they could to educate me. I gave them my blank stare. I did this with everyone, except Mandy.
Mandy Heart was one of the tutors placed with me to help with reading. She was a very beautiful Navajo woman. She had gorgeous brown skin, without a flaw. I thought she was younger than Peggy, but I later learned she had grandchildren, so she had to be older. I don’t know what the secretaries told Mandy about me. They probably told her I was a dumb, mute girl. I bet she would have been surprised if she knew exactly how much I really could read. Peggy had finally taken me to the public library. While at home, I was devouring the books like candy, but no one at school knew I could read.
I liked the tutor, Mandy. I don’t know what about her that drew me in, but I made a powerful connection with her. I noticed when we were together, our auras would reach out to each other and merge, simultaneously becoming the same shade of brilliant blue. When we separated our distance, then Mandy’s aura would always return to a light pink. It was such an amazing phenomenon. I also liked her because she was very friendly and talked with me even though I never answered her. All the other tutors seemed very uncomfortable with my lack of conversation and they stuttered through their lesson plans, but not Mandy. At first she tried to get me to read, but she quickly abandoned it when she could tell I wasn’t going to. Instead, she turned to telling me all about herself.
Thursday and Friday, I met with a number of tutors instead of going to class, but I looked the most forward to my time with Mandy.
Friday night was pizza and movie night. Everyone in the family seemed so happy when pizza night
came. I must admit, the first few pizza nights were exciting. But after a while, they seemed ordinary to me, but the rest of the family didn’t act that way. They went crazy for pizza night. I hadn’t found a chance to shower during the week, so come Saturday; I showered while the family was away to soccer. I liked having the house to myself on Saturdays.
Sunday came, and I am sure you can guess what we did. Three hour church! Thankfully, that night, Peggy and I went out on the reservoir. It was really cold, and we didn’t stay out long. Since we didn’t fish on Sundays, I guess it didn’t matter. But before we pulled the boat in, we had a lifesaving talk.
“Alora, what are you afraid of?” Peggy asked.
“I am not afraid.”
“Sure you are.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked perturbed.
“Well, for starters, why don’t you talk to anyone? You close everyone out. You have the whole county thinking you are mute or dumb, but you are not. You are very intelligent. Why do you hide that?”
I covered my face in shame, for her words crushed me. She reached over and stroked the top of my head. “I am not trying to be hurtful. I think you are hiding behind your eyes. You are missing out on life, and it so breaks my heart.” She got choked up while she talked. A few tears ran down her face. “I love you, Alora. I don’t know if anyone in your life has ever told you that, but I do. I love you!”
Her words warmed me up.
“I want to see you succeed. In order to, you have to trust people. You have to let them in. You can’t spend the rest of your life playing the part of a mute, because you are so much better than that. You have so much more to offer. What can I do to help you see this?”
I didn’t look at her. I stayed silent. Peggy reached over and grabbed my head and gently raised it up.
“Alora, what can I do to get you to talk to others?” I stared at her.
“Oh no you don’t,” she chided. “You aren’t going to shut down on me because I challenge you. What are you so afraid of?”
I stared at her, for I didn’t want to answer her. She locked her gaze on my eyes and wouldn’t release it. This made me uncomfortable.
“Please don’t shut down, Alora. Please talk to me. I have been meaning to have this talk with you for a long time, but I have been trying to give you the space you need. I was so hoping you would come around on your own, but I think I see you slipping farther away.” Again she choked up, and more tears streamed out of her eyes. I could see them glisten from the lantern’s light.
“I am afraid I don’t know who I am,” I finally said.
“Explain.”
I sat for a few minutes, thinking how to arrange my words. Peggy stroked my arm. “I don’t know who I am. Everyone else knows who they are. Take Angela. She knows who she is. She plays the guitar, and she plays soccer. She knows she likes nice clothes and to look good all the time. Cordon, he likes his friends and soccer. I don’t know. Everyone seems to know who they are. I don’t know who I am.”
“Really, I find it strange, for I know who you are. You love to fish, you love nature, you love walks, you love people. Can you not see that in yourself?”
I thought about her words. “You are right. That is who I am now, but what if that isn’t who I was?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters. I want to be true to myself, but I don’t know who that is.”
“Alora, you have been through a lot. Maybe it’s a blessing you don’t remember your past. What if it was gruesome? What if it was dark and cruel? No one needs to remember bad things. But regardless of what it was, think of it this way. You have a new start, and that is why it is a blessing. Not many people get second chances in life. We love to label people. We are always labeling people. That person is nice, that one is a jerk, you can’t trust him. Once someone gets a label, it is so hard to erase it. The jerk can become nice, but no one sees it, because they remember the jerk. You are coming to us without a label. You can create who Alora Funk is, and everyone will believe it. Be bold, tell us who you are.”
“But I don’t know who that is.”
“Then create yourself. Take a notebook and fill it up with everything you want to be, then be that person. Tell us you are her, and we will believe you.”
“But I already have a label. It is too late.”
“Nonsense, what do you think your label is?”
“Shy, dumb, mute girl.”
“Nonsense.”
“It’s true. That is what the kids at school call me.” My voice dropped almost to a whisper. “That is what Angela calls me.”
“She better not. I’ll beat her!”
We sat in silence for a moment.
“You might be right. At this moment, you do carry a label, but it’s a little different than a life-long label. You are still a mystery to everyone. The minute you open your mouth and show them who you are, they will rewrite your label. But you have to show them. Don’t get stuck and trapped as the dumb, mute girl.” Peggy moved a strand of hair out of my eyes. “You are so beautiful, inside and out. You are a child of God. I would like to see you become anything you want to be. Will you do this?”
“I can try.”
“Oh goodie,” she said clapping her hands. “It will be for your own good. Will you start by taking the tests at school tomorrow?”
I ducked my head.
“Don’t be scared of them. They are for placement. They don’t count on your grade.”
“I am afraid for everyone to find out how stupid I am. What if I never went to school in my past? What if I don’t know anything and they send me back to kindergarten?”
Peggy snorted as she laughed. “They won’t send you back to kindergarten.”
“They won’t?” I said relieved.
“No way. What they will do is work with you. Set you up with a bunch of tutors.”
“They’ve already done that.”
“We’ll see. It won’t be anything more than that.”
“But what if I am dumb? What if I don’t know anything?”
“I can’t believe that, because I already see you know how to read. At some point in your life, you must have gotten a little bit of an education. Take the tests. You might surprise yourself.”
“Do you know Mandy Heart?” I asked. I was looking to change the subject. I was weary of talking about it.
“Oh, sure I do. I used to play church basketball with her when I was younger and in better shape. I love Mandy. She is so good. She led our team. How do you know her?”
“She’s my reading tutor.”
“Well, tell her I said hi.”