Swimming Blind
by Graham Kell
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Website: www.bardandbook.com
Copyright Graham Kell 2014. All Rights Reserved
Published by Bard and Book Publishing.
Contents
Blue Mountains, New South Wales, Australia - Saturday
Sydney, five days earlier - Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday morning
Wednesday afternoon
Wednesday evening
Friday
Saturday
Swimming Blind
Blue Mountains, New South Wales, Australia
Saturday
Looking at the rocks below, Riley couldn’t believe it had come to this, and he knew now that that was his problem—he couldn’t believe. Or wouldn’t. She had told him as much in her last words to him on Wednesday, right before the accident.
The accident—twisted metal, crimson asphalt. He shook his head, wouldn’t let his mind revisit that scene. Not ever. The nightmares had to end, and this was how they would. A single step into nothing and it would all be over. A step his stubborn foot refused to take.
Riley looked down again. Big mistake. The rocks too far below looked angry. Unforgiving. Exactly what he deserved, he knew, but still… The stream behind sounded soothing, inviting. It was his favorite place, this cliff top stream. One last look into its pools wouldn’t hurt, he told himself, and if it did that was okay too. He deserved hurt.
His feet backed away from the cliff edge more easily than they had approached it.
The stream was slow enough and the sky pink enough for his nocturnal friend to have ventured out. Watching the platypus swim in the evening light had always been his escape, but watching it in light of this week’s tragedy, it became a revelation of sorts. One he couldn’t escape. It was as if the animal’s behavior was mimicking his own. He could barely watch, yet he could barely look away.
The platypus closed its eyes and dived with the tiny telltale ‘plop.’ Riley’s heart sank faster than the animal as he looked on, as if through different eyes.
Why hadn’t I noticed this before? I must have watched this guy a hundred times, but never really seen it…
He started to cry, which wasn’t uncommon since Wednesday, but this was different. This was over a platypus. Or was it something more? His daughter Bec would have called it a sign, or something like that. Fate maybe. But Riley had already decided his fate.
He staggered back to the cliff. His breathing was short, the body clearly resisting the demand being made by the mind to jump. It was a tug-a-war and he was unsure who would win. If his mind won, then his body would suffer, albeit briefly. If his body won, then his mind would suffer, and who knows how long that would last? He wanted to kick himself for over-analyzing even this simple act, but he couldn’t lift his foot.
Riley you fool, you can’t even do this right.
The thought of the platypus swimming blind wouldn’t leave.
~~~
Sydney, five days earlier
Monday
“There’s design in everything dad, just open your eyes.” She was looking through her wardrobe but dressing for a fight. Again. He was dressing for work. Pants that matched his blue eyes, shirt that matched his mop of brown hair.
Riley knew he didn’t have time for this, knew he shouldn’t bite back, but the topic of Intelligent Design was bait he couldn’t resist, and Bec knew it.
“Open my eyes?” He hated the insinuation that it was him who was blind. He hated that Bec was a flaming creationist. He hated that he hated talking with his own daughter. He wanted to say Sorry honey, can’t we talk about something else?
Instead Riley said, “I don’t buy into your fairytales Bec. It’s that simple”
It hit the button he intended but led to a religious tirade he didn’t. Her heart was in the right place he was certain of that, but her head clearly wasn’t. How could she believe this God stuff after all he had taught her? It must be her mother in her, he thought as she continued her God rant. Sue had been religious when she was about Bec’s age. Maybe it would wear off.
“Bec,” he interrupted with raised palm, “your very reasoning only proves mine.”
“Spare your lecture-talk for Uni dad.”
“I’m just saying… the evolutionary process is what led to the formation of ideas. So the very fact that you have ideas proves that that process is at work.”
The door slammed before he realized it was him who slammed it. Whoops. Still, he hoped it would shake off the tacky poster stuck to her door. The heavens declare the glory of God. Creation shouts His message. It was no doubt stuck there for his “benefit.”
Teenagers!
He was done for today, too tired to listen to this rubbish. Or maybe too proud, that’s what Sue always said. “You think you know everything Riley, and I hate it because you do!”
As professor of evolutionary biology, he was well learned and well respected. Proud perhaps but why not? People looked up to him everywhere. Except at home. Perhaps that’s why he spent so little time here.
“She driving you mad again Rile?” Sue asked from the kitchen as he flew past.
He backed up. “It’s not that we believe different things that bothers me. It’s that she belittles what I believe… what I know!”
“And you don’t ever belittle what she believes? What she knows?”
“That’s different.” He knew it would sound lame even before he said it.
Sue looked the other way and rolled her eyes.
“And don’t roll your eyes at me.” He knew her too well, “You know what I mean.”
She did because she knew him well too, and deep down, he loved his daughter. On the surface though, they clashed.
“I know the job consumes me at times and that’s her main beef, but it’s like… this is what I’m here to do. This is where I was created to be.” He hated even using that word but it was the best way to describe his conviction.
“So you were created to be a professor more than a husband and dad?” She said it half mocking, but he knew she was half serious. “What about home Rile? Isn’t this where you were created to be?”
“Don’t you start too. I’m going to the office,” he said, slamming another door.
“Surprise, surprise,” she said to no one in particular, and continued cutting carrots that he wouldn’t be home to eat.
~~~
Tuesday
Life on campus was much more predictable. His office was a home and much like his life—clean, organized, symmetrical. No dirt could be found, no unfiled taxes lay hidden, no pictures hung crooked. Like every portrait of Riley’s life, the frames on his wall were square and bright. The picture of his family was the largest. Him, Sue, Bec. They hung right above the sofa where Marie now sat.
Marie had delivered the inter-office mail as she did every Tuesday, and each week she stayed a little longer. Her visits kept him from work but Riley didn’t mind because they also kept him from thinking about home.
Marie was his student, so she was out of bounds but she was nice. Kind. Interested in him. She was certainly no Sue in experience, but Sue was certainly no Marie in looks. The truth is, this bright eyed student before him was not a lot older than Bec, a fact that bothered him, but only when he thought about it. He tried not to. It didn’t help that Bec was staring him down from the picture frame three feet above Marie’s head.
Riley averted his eyes, which wasn’t difficult with Marie in the room. She wore a mismatch of multi-colored clothes but it worked for her. She was fresh and bright, the type of girl a guy would buy from a shelf if such shelves existed.
??
?I like your theory,” she said.
I like you, he wanted to say. “Which theory’s that?” Riley walked to the window and looked out, mostly to escape his daughter’s stare.
“The one that our progress puts us at the pinnacle of our own lives. ‘Captain of our souls,’ you called it. That there is no higher power, so we can decide whatever’s best for us. We can do whatever’s best for us… if you know what I mean.”
They’d danced a little closer in their conversations each time. Truth is, he was beginning to enjoy the tango and he could tell, so was she.
When he turned back to face her she was standing inches from his face. Neither moved and neither spoke until she took her mail cart and left, turning with a smile on her way out.
Whoa man, that was too close. Or was it? Shouldn’t he practice what he preaches? Isn’t he the captain of his soul, the decider of his fate? A folded note on the sofa pulled him from his thoughts. He opened it.
Marie’s phone number.
~~~
Wednesday morning
Breakfast was rarely enjoyed together, and this morning proved why. Sue was cranky. The look in her eyes suggested she knew about the note, but Riley had committed the number to memory and thrown away the evidence. Bec was brooding over her Bible. “Morning quiet time.” If only she’d stay quiet. Riley was unusually eager to get to work.
Walking out the door, toast in mouth, he said, “I may be late. Got my lecture on monotreme evolution at three.” Platypuses, his favorite subject. He used them often in debates with Bec, saying they built so strongly to the evolutionary tree he could build a house in it.
“You’re picking up Bec from basketball. Don’t forget!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Slam.
Bec was trying to hide her feelings. Sue wasn’t. “I’m so sorry dear, I don’t know what’s got into him lately.”
“It’s not what’s got into him mum and you know it. It’s Who’s got into me. Dad’s jealous of God’s place in my life…”
“Honey…”
“No, it’s true. He wants to be number one, always has, you know that. Top of the evolutionary ladder and all that. That’s why I fight him on it. I know I shouldn’t, but I want him to see that he’ll always be my daddy. He just can’t be my king.”
Sue smiled. “You’re a reflection of me without the wrinkles. I had that passion once.”
“What happened?”
“Your father. Now, get ready, and don’t forget your basketball shoes this time.”
~~~
Rehearsing his lecture in the car, Riley thought about spending his morning in the mountains. There was a stream near a cliff top that epitomized peace. It was the perfect place to prepare. The young platypus that frequented the ponds provided him with most of his lecture slides. Riley looked over his shoulder to the back seat. No camera. Maybe another day.
He headed to the office instead.
~~~
Notes spread across his desk, he couldn’t concentrate. Marie’s number was playing in his mind like a song he couldn’t shake. He dialed and closed his eyes while he waited.
“Thought you’d never call,” she answered. Caller ID ruined his plan to hang up. No bailing out now.
“So you want some private tutoring?” He was blushing. What was he, 15 years old?
“Thought you’d never ask! I’m free later today.”
He jotted her address on his lecture notes. It was arranged.
~~~
Wednesday afternoon.
Riley ran his palms up the smooth mahogany of the podium that gleamed under the spotlight. The room was filling. This was his kingdom and these were his subjects, eager for wisdom. His wisdom. It was where he was created to be. He turned on his lapel mic.
“There are forces in this universe that direct life to inevitable ends.” Not even Riley could tell if he was talking about evolution or his own urges. An image of the cliff top creek faded onto the screen behind him.
“The platypus exists on an evolutionary limb so pure that it provides a clear window into the past. We all know this. My contention though is that it also demonstrates the power of evolutionary force, to have combined so many different traits from so many other limbs. The bill, the webbed feet, the mammalian anatomy, the electromagnetic sense, the poisonous spur. They all come together as a blueprint for what any species can do. Us included. No divine force necessary. This creature was the master of its own destiny.”
And so it went for nearly two hours, ending in applause matched only by the thunder outside. A storm was gathering.
Exhausted from the presentation, Riley figured he deserved a reward. He deserved some me-time. The drive to Marie’s apartment happened on autopilot. It was the force of the universe driving him to an inevitable end. No divine force necessary. Or wanted.
The rain started.
~~~
Huddled under an umbrella, Bec considered going back inside the stadium to keep warm. Where was dad? She fumbled for her phone and dialed his number. It went to voice mail.
~~~
Wednesday evening
The fireplace did nothing to thaw the coldness Riley felt inside. Questions flooded his mind. What had he done? Was he this sort of guy? What about Sue, what about Bec?
Bec! He’d forgotten to pick her up. He grabbed his phone. 3 messages. He reluctantly hit play.
Message one. “Dad, I don’t know where you are. I’m still outside basketball, but I’ll call mum to come get me. Guess your lecture went late. Sorry for the way I’ve been. I do love you, I just wish you’d believe. I guess you can’t. Anyway, this isn’t the time to talk. I’ll see you at home.”
Message two. “Riley I can’t believe you forgot Bec! Don’t worry, I’ll get her, the poor thing. She’s outside in the rain. Look, we’ll talk later. I’ll see you at home.”
Message three. “Sir this is Officer Kent from the Hills PD. Please return this call a. s. a. p. Thank you sir.”
The police? He didn’t even say goodbye to Marie.
The drive home was slowed by the rain and an accident up ahead. It was difficult to see what had happened through the rain. Why did he always want to look anyway? Flashing police lights lit a crumpled car in a ditch.
Police? Surely this wasn’t the reason for the message on his cell. The mere thought of it made his heart skip a beat. What he saw next made it stop. His wife’s car. Two covered bodies spilled on the road.
His world spun. The dash across the highway was in slow motion. His skin went white, his eyes couldn’t focus through the rain, or was it the tears?
He fell to the side of the first covered body just as an officer grabbed his arm.
“Sir? You’re going to have to back away.”
He pulled the cover from the body before the policeman could stop him. It was Bec. After that, everything went black.
~~~
Friday.
Thursday had come and gone. Riley could hardly remember what had even happened. The hospital. The police. Even the funeral home were involved, and of course the media. They hounded him to comment on the drunk driver who had stolen his family. He was too numb to fight, too burdened to blame anyone but himself.
He lay in bed unwilling to wake, unable to move. This was his fault. Had he not followed his passions and visited Marie there would be no covered bodies on the road. The police said it made no difference.
What did they know? It made all the difference.
No one knew his whereabouts at the time of the accident, not yet anyway, but they would. More importantly, he did.
He couldn’t shake the shame, or the visions of crumpled metal and crimson asphalt. They haunted him until dark. The nightmares that followed were no better.
~~~
Saturday
There was no escaping the guilt, but escape was all he wanted. The decision to jump was made rashly but it felt well-reasoned.
He drove to the mountains, not knowing exactly what he would do once there. Maybe drive
off a cliff. Maybe jump. The closest cliff was near his favorite stream. Before he could change his mind, he found himself standing on the edge.
He couldn’t believe it had come to this, yet he knew now that that was his problem—he couldn’t believe. They were her very words in the message he had played and replayed. Her last words to him, and they were true.
He needed to end the nightmare but he also needed a reason to postpone the end. That’s why he visited the stream one last time. That’s where he saw the platypus. That’s when the revelation occurred.
It was as if the animal’s behavior was mimicking his own. He could barely watch, yet he could barely look away. He knew more about platypuses than most people knew there was to know. He had always used them to justify his beliefs, but never had he seen them as explaining his actions, never had he looked at them like this…
Insulating fur, webbed feet, rudder-like tail, the platypus was perfectly designed to live in the water. It was where the animal was created to be, yet it spent the majority of its time on land.
Riley, this home is where you were created to be. Sue’s words. Yet he spent the majority of his time in the office.
The platypus closed its eyes and dived. In the few hours they do spend in the water, platypuses completely close their eyes and their ears. They swim blind.
Open your eyes dad. Bec’s words. It was habit lately, to shut his eyes and ears to the needs around him, to his wife and daughter. Look where that led.
The water was so clear he could see the platypus shoveling rocks and sludge with its bill, hoping to find food. With its eyes and ears closed, all the animal could do was grovel in the dark. It was a furry submerged version of himself. He’d stubbornly rejected Bec’s God all his life, often over the claims of creationists. He thought he knew better. He thought he was the master of his fate. He thought a lot of things before Wednesday. In a silent sermon, this little animal spoke to him. For years he had used it to construct his defenses, and now this God of his daughter’s used it to tear them all down. He was looking at himself. His blind swimming through life, his ignorance of his purpose had led to the crash. There’s design in everything dad. Just open your eyes. Too late for that Bec. He walked back to the cliff.
Riley considered closing his eyes to jump, but he couldn’t do either. He couldn’t move his feet. He couldn’t close his eyes.