“She can’t have him,” Andi snaps. “He doesn’t want her, it’s as simple as that. I think,” Andi continues, taking a deep breath, “I think we ought to go and see a lawyer.”
Forty-three
The next morning, the topic is still weighing heavily on both of them. They are careful with each other, knowing that they are not able to reach an agreement. Andi is terrified, but Ethan refuses to believe the worst-case scenario will happen. If it does, if Emily should want Cal, then, he says, and only then, he will see a lawyer.
“She isn’t ready to be a mother,” Ethan says. “Whether she realizes it or not, she doesn’t have a clue. She may be romanticizing it, but it just isn’t going to happen. Emily is still Emily, just three years older. Look at what happened yesterday—he threw a tantrum and Emily bailed.
“I promise you”—he reaches out and puts his arms around Andi, attempting to soothe her—“Emily is not going to want Cal. Not full-time. I almost think we should go away for a week and leave her with him. Let her have a taste of what it’s really like, being a parent, having no sleep and no life.”
Andi had spent hours last night explaining why she wanted to a see a lawyer. Not to set anything in motion, she lied, but to see where they stood. To see what the law would be likely to do, whether Emily had a right, after abandoning her child, to remove him from the only home, the only parents, he has ever known.
Not to mention, she had pointed out, Emily’s prior history with alcohol and drugs.
“It is a miracle,” she had shouted at the height of their emotional discussion last night, “that Cal is so normal. Do you get that? Emily drank her way through her pregnancy, and I still spend every day worried that some hidden sign of fetal alcohol syndrome will show itself. What do you think a judge would think about that, huh? What would he have to say about that?”
Ethan had shaken his head. “That’s precisely why we don’t need to see a lawyer. I don’t want to drag up all the past. I don’t want to do that to us, or to Emily. Look at how amped out you’re getting, and it hasn’t even happened. All Emily has done is ask to spend time with Cal, get to know him. You’re freaking out unnecessarily. Please. Just stop. We will cross whatever bridge we have to when we get there, but not yet, okay? Please stop worrying about a future that may never happen.”
“What about her telling him she’s his mother?” Andi pushed. “That’s what freaked him out so much. She can’t do that. It’s not right.”
“I agree,” Ethan said. “I’m going to talk to her about that today. It’s not right.” Those words, more than any other, consoled Andi. Temporarily. Those words showed her he supported her.
For a minute, she was able to breathe.
* * *
Andi is still worrying. She lay in bed all night worrying about it, and this morning, even as Ethan puts his arms around her, she is still worrying about it.
“You know she wants to get him from school again,” Andi says.
“But that’s great!” Ethan says. “Look, Sophia gets him all the time, and you’re grateful for the break. Look at this as a welcome break. You know it’s not going to last. This is the thrill of the new. If Emily does stick around, and I’m not even sure about that, she’ll get bored pretty damn quickly. Let her take him. You were telling me just the other day about how busy you are. Use it as an opportunity to get things done.”
“You’re right,” Andi reluctantly agrees. “You’re right. I’ll try and relax. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. And it’s all going to be fine. You know that, right?”
“I do.” She smiles, this time wrapping her own arms around him. “Thank you for always calming me down and making me see that life isn’t ever as scary as I think it’s going to be.”
Forty-four
Now that I’m back, I cannot believe I stayed away for so long. It’s like Mill Valley was the huge, terrifying root of all my unhappiness, but either it has changed dramatically in the last three years, or I have.
And something tells me it’s me.
I used to think it was this suburban hellhole filled with Stepford mothers and perfect little Californian blond cheerleader types, and that I was hated by everyone because I was different. And maybe, back then, I was different, but I don’t feel different anymore, and now I fit in, and I see that it is filled with all different types of people, and the thing is, everyone’s so nice!
I have run into a ton of old teachers, and neighbors, and people I went to school with. Every time I go out, it seems I run into someone, and instead of avoiding me like they used to, or me avoiding them, everyone seems genuinely happy to see me. Even the dreaded popular girls, who are still as cliquey as ever, even after all these years.
We were at Woody’s the other day, and they walked in, all these girls I hadn’t seen in years, and instantly swarmed Michael. I was at the counter waiting for our ice cream, so they didn’t see me, and when they asked what Michael was up to, he told them he was dating me. I turned then to see confusion on their faces, and that’s when I stepped forward, and they all looked at me like, well if you’re dating that freak, Emily, who’s the hot chick you’re with now, and then I said hi, and the expressions on their faces when they realized that I was Emily were priceless!
They kept saying they couldn’t get over how beautiful I’ve become, and how thin I am. It made me feel good, but it also made me feel sad because they are still as superficial as they ever were. They invited me to some girls’ night out, and I said sure, to text me, but I was just being polite. I really have no interest.
I’m loving being around my family, though. My dad, and Sophia. Cal is very cute, and Michael is thrilled every time I tell him I spent time with Cal, so everyone seems to be happy, except for Andi.
But I get it. I get that she’s terrified. I want to tell her not to worry. I have tried telling her not to worry, but I honestly don’t know whether she should be worried or not.
Right now, I like being around Cal, but I am still so far from ever thinking I would want more than this.
Michael confuses things for me. I see how happy it makes him to know that Cal and I are together, and I wonder what I would say if Michael said, oh I don’t know, something like he wanted to marry me, and he and I would raise Cal together.
I honestly don’t know what I’d say because I so badly want to make him happy, and I so badly want to want the things that he wants. I’m just not sure that I do. Not in this case, anyway.
And so most of the time I don’t think Andi has anything to worry about, but some of the time I think she might. I just don’t know yet. This all takes time to figure out. In the meantime, I have this incredible thing with Michael.
He’s supposed to be living at home with his parents while looking for an apartment in the city; meanwhile, he’s spending every night with me at my mom’s. She doesn’t mind—are you kidding? She loves him. She practically melts every time he walks in the door, and she’s away this week, so it’s just the two of us, pretending to be an old married couple in a house of our own.
Speaking of love, I haven’t said “I love you” to him yet, but I know I do, and sometimes I have to practically squeeze my mouth shut so the words don’t slip out, because I will not be the one to say it first.
I know he does love me, though, even though he hasn’t said it yet. I see it in the way he looks at me, the way he treats me, the way he calls me up, for no reason, when he’s at work, just to hear my voice.
And still I can’t believe that he is mine; that life has turned out this good for me.
“You could have anyone!” I tease him sometimes.
“I don’t want anyone,” he says. “I want you.”
“That, you have,” I snuggle into him and cover him with kisses until he growls in fake annoyance and throws me off.
* * *
I’m in that half-awake, half-asleep phase, kind of listening to Michael pad around the bedroom getting ready for work, and waking up properly only when he leans
down to kiss me good-bye.
“Hey, love”—he smiles down at me—“I’ll see you later, okay?”
“You should have woken me.” I stretch. “I would have made you breakfast.”
“Oh, man!” He groans, patting his stomach. “You already made me dinner last night. What are you trying to do, fatten me up?”
“No. I just like cooking for you.”
“When we find an apartment we like, you’ll be able to cook for me every night.”
“Are you kidding?” I give him a look. “You’ll be taking me out for dinner every night. I expect nothing but the best from my private equity magnate boyfriend, you know.”
“Yeah, I wish. I’m just a grunt right now, but they’re telling me they think I have the potential for big things. Hey … I like the sound of us living together,” Michael says.
“I thought we were just going to be roommates?” I say slowly, because let me tell you, there is a very big difference between roommates and living together, and Michael has been very careful to describe it as roommates. Until now.
“Well. Whatever. I like that I would wake up with you every day. It’s a total pain in the ass being back at home. Thank God your mom’s cool with me sleeping over.”
“And thank God she’s away for a couple of nights. Kitchen table? Wild!” I purr at him to make him laugh. “Tonight we should try the living-room floor in front of the fire.”
“It’s a deal.” Michael bends down to kiss me again before standing up. “What are you doing today? Working?”
“Yeah. Florist’s until lunchtime, then I’m going to get Cal from school.”
“Wow.” Michael’s face lights up. “That’s every day this week. That’s so cool! You’re really getting to know each other. He’s a great kid. I really enjoyed taking him to the playground on the weekend. He’s funny.”
“He is a great kid,” I say slowly before sighing. “I kind of feel a little taken advantage of, though. I mean, in the beginning, Andi didn’t even want me to read him a story, and now she expects me to pick him up every day and watch him until she gets home. I feel like an unpaid babysitter.”
“Emily!” Michael looks horrified. “How can you say that? You’re saying you resent him? You’ve only just come back in his life. Do you realize how selfish that is?”
I flush a deep red. That I have just been honest about my true feelings, and that Michael’s reaction is to call me selfish, feels awful. I am instantly ashamed and wish I hadn’t said anything. Seeing Michael look at me like that, the disappointment in his eyes, terrifies me. I backtrack, quickly.
“I don’t resent him. I didn’t mean that at all,” I bluster. “I totally love being with Cal. It’s just, I guess, that I feel it’s expected of me now, and that’s what I don’t like.”
“But that’s great,” Michael says gently. “They should expect it. You should be with him more. Maybe one day, we’ll even have him live with us.”
I sit up in bed, shocked. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it myself, but every time I think about it, I push it aside because it feels so weird. But I guess I knew Michael would be the one to bring it up. I just didn’t know how I’d react.
“You want that?” I ask doubtfully, because I’m really not sure I do.
Michael shrugs. “Honestly? I haven’t thought about it much. I just feel so strongly that you should have a place in his life, and if it ends up with us being, you know, the real deal, marriage and everything, then maybe it is something we should be thinking about.”
I look at him openmouthed. The real deal! The M word! And because I don’t know what to say, I pull him down for a proper kiss good-bye.
“You,” I say, when I finally let him go, “are truly the greatest guy I have ever known.”
“That’s how I feel about you,” he says.
I fake-frown. “That I’m the greatest guy you’ve ever known? Great. Thanks a lot.”
“No. You know what I mean. You are the greatest girl. Truly. You’re amazing. I can’t believe I’ve known you my entire life, and you’re my best friend, and now you’re the woman I love.”
And I think my heart stops.
Did he say it? Does that mean … is it the same as saying “I love you”? I can’t breathe, but I don’t want to spoil the moment, and my ears are buzzing and I wish there were a rewind button so I could check he absolutely, positively did say it.
“I love you.” He smiles gently down at me as my heart starts beating again, and I am able to breathe.
“I love you, too.”
* * *
I try to go back to sleep after that, but I am too damned awake. Can you blame me? I lie under the covers for about half an hour, going over the words again, reliving that exact moment when he told me he loves me, and eventually it’s clear I am not going back to sleep, so I fling the covers back and climb out of bed.
Padding down to the kitchen in bare feet, I fill the kettle and put it on the stove for tea, turning to take a croissant out of the bread bin. I get butter and homemade jelly and arrange them on the table, going outside to grab the paper at the end of the drive and sitting down at the table with a hot cup of tea and breakfast.
I feel like a grown-up. I said good-bye to the man I love, and now I am savoring breakfast while reading the paper although I’m not actually reading because my mind is still whirring, and I cannot concentrate on anything, so I’m just flicking the pages and feeling like … a woman who is loved. A wife. Setting a place for herself on the kitchen table, going outside in her robe to grab the paper from the ground underneath the mailbox.
When my mom’s here, I still feel, at times, like a little girl. Not that she ever treats me like that, but this is the house I’ve lived in for years, this is where I was a little girl, so of course I’m going to feel like that.
With my mom away, and Michael here, it feels like mine, and I can allow myself to pretend that this is our first home, this is our life: me kissing Michael good-bye in the morning before getting ready for work myself, creating a beautiful home for the two of us.
I chew thoughtfully on the croissant as I try to imagine what it would be like if Cal lived here, too. If I can find a way for it to work in my head, then I could see how it would work in real life.
What kind of a person must I be if I really don’t have any maternal instincts? Surely they have to be in there somewhere. Don’t they? I mean, surely if I spend a ton more time with him, really get to know him, my maternal instincts will kick in, no? Look how everyone adores him. Even my mom melts into a puddle of love at the very mention of his name.
I want this all to work. I want to know what it’s like to be a mother, and I want things to work with Michael. I guess it’s just going to take time, and let’s face it, no one’s going anywhere.
Especially now that we’re in love! And it’s official!
I grab my phone and quickly text Sally in Boston, telling her the good news, before skipping upstairs to jump in the shower and start my day.
Forty-five
It is a slow day at the florist’s. Manuel and Pablo are busy in the back room, taking deliveries of wholesale flowers, making arrangements that are due to go out today, and I’m totally daydreaming at the register about this being the real deal, and how we’re going to spend the rest of our lives, and okay, okay, I even think a little bit about what kind of wedding we’re going to have, when my cell phone rings.
Michael.
“Em? What are you doing right now?” He sounds excited.
“I’m at work, thinking about you.” I smile. “Why?”
“I’m standing in the most incredible apartment. You know Patrick? The guy I work with who’s been guiding me with the takeover of the jewelry company in the UK? They’re transferring him to London to run it properly, and he has to find someone to take over the lease of his apartment. He’s got the whole first floor in an old Victorian house in Bernal Heights, and he just gave me the keys and told me to run over and take a look because he
has to find someone quick.
“Em! It’s incredible. It’s really bright, with high ceilings, and a yard! We could get a dog!”
“It sounds amazing!” Michael’s enthusiasm is contagious.
“So here’s the thing. He has another three people coming to see it this afternoon, and he says whoever wants it first, gets it. Emily, it’s perfect. You have to come and see it.”
“What? Now?”
“Yes! You have to get in here now. How soon can you get here? If you leave now there shouldn’t be any traffic. You could be here in half an hour. I’m telling you, Em, it’s a great price, and we are not going to find anything like this again. He’s giving us a break on the price, but you have to come now.”
If Michael’s voice weren’t so urgent, I’d probably just say I couldn’t because I did promise my mom I’d work every day, but … this is important. This is our first apartment, and it sounds incredible, and I think she’d understand. And frankly, my mom runs out all the time, leaving Manuel and Pablo here by themselves.
I don’t see it as being a big problem. Manuel and Pablo are great, and I know they won’t mind.
“Okay!” I say. “Manuel and Pablo can run things until Julia gets here to take over my shift. I’ll leave now.”
* * *
It’s only as I’m crossing the Golden Gate Bridge that I remember Cal.
“Oh, shit!” I scream, feeling the color drain from my face as I realize I am supposed to pick him up in fifteen minutes. There’s no way. Even if I turn around now, I’ll never make it back in time. I’m completely stuck, and I realize I have to get someone else to pick him up.
I pick up my cell and scroll through, looking for Andi’s number, trying to keep one eye on the road. Andi will probably go apeshit, but I truly forgot, and it’s not like I don’t feel bad. I feel horrible. If I could turn around right now and get to Cal in time, I would, but it’s too late.