PART ONE
The
TRANSFIGURATION
of
AGNES
1
NAKED WOMAN PLAYING CHOPIN
1910–1912
Eighty-some years previous, through a town that was to flourish and past a farm that would disappear, the river slid—all that happened began with that flow of water. The town on its banks was very new and its main street was a long curved road that followed the will of a muddy river full of brush, silt, and oxbows that threw the whole town off the strict clean grid laid out by railroad plat. The river flooded each spring and dragged local backyards into its roil, even though the banks were strengthened with riprap and piled high with rocks torn from reconstructed walls and foundations. It was a hopelessly complicated river, one that froze deceptively, broke rough, drowned one or two every year in its icy run. It was a dead river in some places, one that harbored only carp and bullheads. Wild in others, it lured moose down from Canada into the town limits. When the land along its banks was newly broken, paddleboats and barges of grain moved grandly from its source to Winnipeg, for the river flowed inscrutably north. Across from what would become church land and the town park, over on the Minnesota side, a farm spread generously up and down the river and back into wide hot fields.
The bonanza farm belonged to easterners who had sold a foundry in Vermont and with their money bought the flat vastness that lay along the river. They raised astounding crops when the land was young—rutabagas that weighed sixty pounds, wheat unbearably lush, corn on cobs like truncheons. Then six grasshopper years occurred during which even the handles on the hoes and rakes were eaten and a U.S. cavalry soldier, too, partially devoured while he lay drunk in the insects’ path. The enterprise suffered losses on a grand scale. The farm was split among four brothers, eventually, who then sold off half each so that by the time Berndt Vogel escaped the latest war of Europe, during which he’d been chopped mightily but inconclusively in six places by a lieutenant’s saber and then kicked by a horse so ever after his jaw didn’t shut right, there was just one beautiful and peaceful swatch of land about to go for grabs. In the time it would take for him to gather the money—by forswearing women, drinking cheap beers only, and working twenty-hour days—to retrieve it from the local bank, the price of that farm would drop further, further, and the earth rise up in a great ship of destruction. Sails of dust carried half of Berndt’s lush dirt over the horizon, but enough remained for him to plant and reap six fields.
So Berndt survived. On his land there stood a hangarlike barn that once had housed teams of great blue Percherons and Belgian draft horses. Only one horse was left, old and made of brutal velvet, but the others still moved in the powerful synchronicity of his dreams. Berndt liked to work in the heat of this horse’s breath. The vast building echoed and only one small part was still in use—housing a cow, chickens, one depressed pig. Berndt kept the rest in decent repair not only because as a good German he must waste nothing that had come his way but because he saw in those grand dust-filled shafts of light something he could worship.
The spirit of the farm was there in the lost breath of horses. He fussed over the one remaining mammoth and imagined one day his farm entire, vast and teeming, crews of men under his command, a cookhouse, bunkhouse, equipment, a woman and children sturdily determined to their toil. A garden in which seeds bearing the scented pinks and sharp red geraniums of his childhood were planted and thrived.
How surprised he was to find, one morning, as though sown by the wind and summoned by his dreams, a woman standing barefoot, starved, and frowzy in the doorway of his barn. She was pale but sturdy, angular, a strong flower, very young, nearly bald and dressed in a rough shift. He blinked stupidly at the vision. Light poured around her like smoke and swirled at her gesture of need. She spoke with a low, gravelly abruptness: “Ich habe Hunger.”
By the way she said it, he knew she was a Swabian and therefore—he tried to thrust the thought from his mind—possessing certain unruly habits in bed. She continued to speak, her voice husky and bossy. He passed his hand across his eyes. Through the gown of nearly transparent muslin he could see that her breasts were, excitingly, bound tight to her chest with strips of cloth. He blinked hard. Looking directly into her eyes, he experienced the vertigo of confronting a female who did not blush or look away but held him with an honest human calm. He thought at first she must be a loose woman, fleeing a brothel—had Fargo got so big? Or escaping an evil marriage, perhaps. He didn’t know she was from God.
SISTER CECILIA
In the center of the town on the other side of the river there stood a convent made of yellow bricks. Hauled halfway across Minnesota from Little Falls brickworks by pious drivers, they still held the peculiar sulfurous moth gold of the clay outside that town. The word Fleisch was etched in shallow letters on each one. Fleisch Company Brickworks. Donated to the nuns at cost. The word, of course, was covered by mortar each time a brick was laid. Because she had organized a few discarded bricks behind the convent into the base for a small birdbath, the youngest nun knew, as she gazed at the mute order of the convent’s wall, that she lived within the secret repetition of that one word.
Just six months ago, she was Agnes DeWitt. Now she was Sister Cecilia—shorn, houseled, clothed in black wool and bound in starched linen of heatless white. She not only taught but lived music, existed for those hours when she could be concentrated in her being—which was half music, half divine light, only flesh to the degree she could not admit otherwise. At the piano keyboard, absorbed into the notes that rose beneath her hands, she existed in her essence, a manifestation of compelling sound. Her hands were long and blue veined, very white, startling against her habit. To keep them supple, she rubbed them nightly with lard, sheep’s fat, butter, whatever she could steal from the kitchen. During the day, when she graded papers or used the blackboard, her hands twitched and drummed, patterned and repatterned difficult fingerings. She was no trouble to live with and her obedience was absolute. Only, and with increasing concentration, she played Brahms, Beethoven, Debussy, Schubert, and Chopin.
It wasn’t that she neglected her other duties, rather it was the playing itself—distilled of longing—that disturbed her sisters. In her music Sister Cecilia explored profound emotions. Her phrasing described her faith and doubt, her passion as the bride of Christ, her loneliness, shame, ultimate redemption. The Brahms she played was thoughtful, the Schubert confounding. The Debussy she sneaked in between the covers of a Bach Mass was all contrived nature and yet gorgeous as a meadowlark. Beethoven contained all messages, but her crescendos lacked conviction. However, when it came to the Chopin, she did not use the flowery ornamentation or the endless trills and insipid floribunda of so many of her day. Her playing was of the utmost sincerity. And Chopin, played simply, devastates the heart. Sometimes a pause between the piercing sorrows of minor notes made a sister scrubbing the floor weep into the bucket where she dipped her rag so that the convent’s boards, washed in tears, seemed to creak now in a human tongue. The air of the house thickened with sighs.
Sister Cecilia, however, was emptied. Thinned. It was as though her soul were neatly removed by a drinking straw and siphoned into the green pool of quiet that lay beneath the rippling cascade of notes. One day, exquisite agony built and released, built higher, released more forcefully until slow heat spread between her fingers, up her arms, stung at the points of her bound breasts and then shot straight down.
Her hands flew off the keyboard—she crouched as though she had been shot, saw yellow spots and then experienced a peaceful wave of oneness in which she entered pure communion. She was locked into the music, held there safely, entirely understood. Such was her innocence that she didn’t know she was experiencing a sexual climax, but believed rather that what she felt was the natural outcome of this particular nocturne played to the utmost of her skills—and so it came to be. Chopin’s spirit became her lover. His flats caressed her. His whole notes sank through her
body like clear pebbles. His atmospheric trills were the flicker of a tongue. His pauses before the downward sweep of notes nearly drove her insane.
The Mother Superior knew something had to be done when she herself woke, face bathed with sweat and tears, to the insinuating soft largo of the Prelude in E Minor. In those notes she remembered the death of her mother and sank into the endless afternoon of her loss. The Mother Superior then grew, in her heart, a weed of rage all day against the God who took a mother from a seven-year-old child whose world she was, entirely, without question—heart, arms, guidance, soul—until by evening she felt fury steaming from the hot marrow of her bones and stopped herself.
Oh God, forgive me, the Superior prayed. She considered humunculation, but then rushed down to the piano room, and with all of the strength in her wide old arms gathered and hid from Cecilia every piece of music but the Bach.
After that, for some weeks, there was relief. Sister Cecilia turned to the Two Part Inventions. Her fingers moved on the keys with an insect precision. She played each as though she were constructing an airtight box. Stealthily, once Cecilia went on to Bach’s other works, the Mother Superior removed from the music cabinet and destroyed the Goldberg Variations—clearly capable of lifting into the mind subterranean complexities. Life in the convent returned to normal. The cook, to everyone’s gratitude, stopped preparing the heavy rancid goose-fat-laced beet soup of her youth and stuck to overcooked string beans, boiled cabbage, potatoes. The floors stopped groaning and absorbed fresh wax. The doors ceased to fly open for no reason and closed discreetly. The water stopped rushing continually through the pipes as the sisters no longer took advantage of the new plumbing to drown out the sounds of their emotions.
And then, one day, Sister Cecilia woke with a tightness in her chest. Pains shot across her heart and the red lump in her chest beat like a wild thing caught in a snare of bones. Her throat shut. Her hands, drawn to the keyboard, floated into a long appoggiatura. Then, crash, she was inside a thrusting mazurka. The music came back to her. There was the scent of faint gardenias—his hothouse boutonniere. The silk of his heavy, brown hair. A man’s sharp, sensuous drawing-room sweat. His voice, she heard it, avid and light. It was as though the composer himself had entered the room. Who knows? Surely there was no more desperate, earthly, exacting heart than Cecilia’s. Surely something, however paltry, lies beyond the grave.
At any rate, she played Chopin. Played in utter naturalness until the Mother Superior was forced to shut the cover to the keyboard gently and pull the stool away. Cecilia lifted the lid and played upon her knees. The poor scandalized dame dragged her from the keys. Cecilia crawled back. The Mother, at her wit’s end, sank down and urged the girl to pray. She herself spoke first in apprehension and then in certainty, saying that it was the very devil who had managed to find a way to Cecilia’s soul through the flashing doors of sixteenth notes. Her fears were confirmed when not moments later the gentle sister raised her arms and fists, struck the keys as though the instrument were stone and from the rock her thirst would be quenched. But only discord emerged.
“My child, my dear child,” comforted the Mother, “come away and rest yourself.”
The young nun, breathing deeply, refused. Her severe gray eyes were rimmed in a smoky red. Her lips bled purple. She was in torment. “There is no rest,” she declared, and she then unpinned her veil and studiously dismantled her habit. She folded each piece with reverence and set it upon the piano bench. With each movement the Superior remonstrated with Cecilia in the most tender and compassionate tones. However, just as in the depth of her playing the virgin had become the woman, so the woman in the habit became a woman to the bone. She stripped down to her shift, but no further.
“He wouldn’t want me to go out unprotected,” she told her Mother Superior.
“God?” the older woman asked, bewildered.
“Chopin,” Cecilia answered.
Kissing her dear Mother’s trembling fingers, Cecilia knelt. She made a true genuflection, murmured an act of contrition, and then walked from the convent made of bricks with the secret word pressed between yellow mortar, and the music, her music, which the Mother Superior would keep from then on under lock and key as capable of mayhem.
MISS AGNES DEWITT
So it was Sister Cecilia, or Agnes DeWitt of rural Wisconsin, who appeared before Berndt Vogel in the cavern of the barn and said in her mother’s dialect, for she knew a German when she met one, that she was hungry. She wanted to ask whether he had a piano, but it was clear to her he wouldn’t and at any rate she was exhausted.
“Jetzt muss ich schlafen,” she said after eating half a plate of scalded oatmeal with new milk.
So he took her to his bed, the only bed there was, in the corner of the otherwise empty room. He went out to the barn he loved, covered himself with hay, and lay awake all night listening to the rustling of mice and sensing the soundless predatory glide of the barn owls and the stiff erratic flutter of bats. By morning, he had determined to marry her if she would have him, just so he could unpin and then from her breasts unwind the long strip of cloth that bound her torso. She refused his offer, but she did speak to him of who she was and where from. In that first summary she gave of her life she concluded that she must never marry again, for not only had she wed herself soul to soul to Christ, but she had already been unfaithful—her phantom lover the Polish composer—thus already living out too grievous a destiny to become a bride. In explaining this to Berndt, she merely moved her first pawn in a long game of words and gestures that the two would play over the course of many months. She didn’t know, either, that she had opened to an opponent dogged and ruthless.
Berndt Vogel’s passion engaged him, mind and heart. He now prepared himself. Having dragged army caissons through hip-deep mud after the horses died in torment, having seen his best friend suddenly uncreated into a mass of shrieking pulp, having lived intimately with pouring tumults of eager lice and rats plump with a horrifying food, he was rudimentarily prepared for the suffering he would experience in love. She had also learned her share of discipline and in addition—for the heart of her gender is stretched, pounded, molded, and tempered for its hot task from the age of two—she was a woman.
The two struck up a temporary bargain and set up housekeeping. She still slept in the indoor bed. He stayed in the barn. A month passed. Two. Each morning she lighted the stove and cooked, then heated water in a big tank for laundry and swept the cool wooden floors. Monday she sewed. She baked all day Tuesday. On Wednesdays she churned and scrubbed. She sold the butter and the eggs Thursdays. Killed a chicken every Friday. Saturdays she walked across the bridge into town and practiced the piano in the grade school basement. Sunday she played the organ for Mass and at the close of the day started the next week’s work. Berndt overpaid her. At first she spent her salary on clothing. After she had acquired shoes, stockings, a full set of cotton underclothing and then woolen, too, and material for two housedresses—one patterned with twisted leaves and tiny blue berries and the other of an ivy lattice material—and a sweater and at last a winter coat, after she had earned a blanket, a pillow, a pair of boots, she decided on a piano.
This is where Berndt thought he could maneuver her into marriage, but she proved too cunning for him. It was early in the evening and the yard was pleasant with the sound of grasshoppers. They sat on the porch drinking a glass of sugared lemon water. Every so often, in the ancient six-foot grasses that survived at the margin of the yard, a firefly signaled or a dove cried out its five hollow notes.
“Why do so many birds’ songs consist of five?” she asked idly.
“Five what?” said Berndt.
They drank slowly, she in the sprigged berry dress that skimmed her waist. He noted with disappointment that she wore a normal woman’s underclothing now, had stopped binding her breasts. Perhaps, he thought, he could persuade her to resume her old ways, at least occasionally, just for him. It was a wan hope. She looked so comfortable, so free. She
’d taken on a hardiness. Though still thin she had lost her anemic pallor. She had a square boy’s chin and a sturdy, graceful neck. Her arms were brown, muscular. In the sun, her fine hair, growing out in curls, glinted with green-gold sparks of light and her eyes were deceptively clear.
“I can teach music,” she told him. “Piano.” She had decided that her suggestion must sound merely practical, a moneymaking ploy. She did not say how well she could actually play nor did she express any pleasure or zeal, though at the very thought each separate tiny muscle in her hands ached.
“It would be a way of bringing in some money.”
He was left to absorb this. He might have believed her casual proposition, except that Miss DeWitt’s restless fingers gave her away and he noted their insistent motions. She was playing the Adagio of the Pathetique on the arms of her chair, the childhood piece that nervously possessed her from time to time.
“You would need a piano,” he told her. She nodded and held his gaze in that aloof and unbearably sexual way that had first skewered him.
“It’s the sort of thing a husband gives his wife,” he dared.
Her fingers stopped moving. She cast down her eyes in contempt.