They moved on until late in the night. Exhausted, Alan tied the horses to a tree and the two went to sleep in the back of the wagon. Jobeth slept snuggled up to Shawna while Alan lay alone in a roll on the floor. The wagon had become their new home.
In the morning Alan caught a rabbit for breakfast. They had plenty of food: the meat dried for winter and their store of vegetables and dried fruits and grains, but there was no reason to dip into their supplies when food was plenty off the land.
Jobeth tried to push aside the pictures that came to her mind, but she could not stop the images of Jonah arguing with Shawna over who caught the rabbit or of him standing next to her chatting away while helping her prepare the evening meal. She wanted to cry when she thought of him but tears were a luxury she could not afford at the moment.
Landscape passed by without Jobeth noticing. She easily conformed to traveling again and figured she would never be settled in one spot. Something would always happen to uproot them again. The difference this time was she had no urges to lay down roots. She had all she needed and that was Alan and Shawna.
They passed town after town in their covered wagon. Alan knew eventually they would have to stop. Shawna needed to be in school and Jobeth needed her own home, whether she believed it or not.
He knew this and still continued pushing the horses on.
As they moved farther south, the weather warmed. Even though winter had begun, traveling was not a problem. Covered in warm blankets at night and dressed in cozy clothing, there was no reason not to continue on their journey.
How nice it was now that they had the leisure of the horses. They became healthier and stronger as their hearts and souls healed.
“Jobeth?” Alan asked, flicking the horse’s reins.
“Yes?” Jobeth responded, seated snugly beside him in the front seat of the wagon. Evening was creeping up on them. Soon they would need to stop for dinner. The gray sky was cool and the bare trees swayed in the breeze. Alan and
Jobeth could hear Shawna playing contentedly in the back with her dolls. Her small voice in harmony with nature’s music.
“We are gonna have to stop soon,” Alan said, looking at the gravel road. It was well-worn, a telltale sign that a town lay ahead.
“Yes, Shawna must be hungry.” Jobeth clasped her mittened hands together, shivering. The night air was unusually cool.
“No, that is not what I mean,” Alan continued.
Jobeth pulled the dark brown woolen cloak she wore tightly around her ears and bent her covered head down.
“I know you don’t feel ready yet, but it has been three months since
Jonah...”
“I know, Alan,” Jobeth sighed, looking at him. She sniffed, wondering if her nose was as red as his. “It’s just hard. I’m not sure I am ready to start again.”
“Shawna needs school, friends, a home. We all do,” Alan said, staring out at the starlit sky. He understood how Jobeth felt. He too didn’t feel ready to stop moving yet. The last three months had been so peaceful. He pushed out his breath, loosely between his lips, causing the air to steam up in front of him like smoke.
“You are right, Alan. I know you’re right,” Jobeth nodded, her heart fluttering. Alan grinned and absently placed a mittened hand on her blanket-covered lap.
“Soon, just not yet,” he said, patting her leg reassuringly.
The next morning, Jobeth was sleeping soundly as Queenie lay curled up protectively beside her.
“Jobeth wake up!” A male voice called from the back of the wagon.
“Alan?” Jobeth groaned in protest, turning over and hiding her face in the quilts.
The sun was beaming bright into the wagon, stinging Jobeth’s unadjusted eyes.
“I am exhausted,” she moaned, noticing the wagon was not swaying with movement. Alan must have stopped for some reason.
“Now honey, I want you to see this house with me,” Alan said in an excited voice.
“Honey?” She sat up abruptly. Alan was holding the canvas of the wagon open, his body shielding most of the sun’s rays from penetrating inside the dark retreat. He beamed at Jobeth, winking at her. Confused, she quickly arranged her hair. Alan held his hand out, imploring.
“Please play along?” he whispered into her ear as she jumped down from the step. Squinting from the bright rays, she adjusted her eyes and looked around.
The wagon was stopped in front of a little white house. A couple in their early sixties was standing respectfully by the horses, waiting it seemed, for her and Alan.
“This is my wife, Jobeth,” Alan presented to the elderly couple. He placed his arm around her waist and gave a light squeeze, causing a shiver to bolt up
Jobeth’s spine.
The couple walked over, hands outstretched in greeting.
“You two look young to be married,” the man said, squinting his gray eyes.
He was a handsome man with a mane of snow-white hair and a strong tanned build, made hard by work in the sun.
“Oh, stop it, George. I married you when I was just sixteen,” said the small woman beside him. She pushed him aside easily in spite of the difference in their sizes and raised her hand out toward Jobeth, warmly. “Hello, dearie. I am Diana and this big old lug is my husband, George.”
“Hello,” Jobeth replied rather shyly, wanting to hide behind Alan. Diana was the first new person she had spoken to in over a year. She felt nervous, but
Diana had a kind face with light blue shimmering eyes and soft blonde hair showing only the slightest gray. She accepted the older woman’s hand and was pleased how soft and warm it felt.
“Well,” Alan said clapping his hands together if in prayer, “I guess we can see the house now,” Jobeth looked at Alan questioningly.
“Of course.” Diana smiled sincerely, gently dropping Jobeth’s hands and turning towards the little white building.
“Where is Shawna?” Jobeth asked searching for the little girl. With all the confusion she had forgotten about her little charge. As her eyes scanned the area, she could not believe the magnificent view. Two large oak trees towered over a little two-story house. That was what it was, but to say it was merely a house would be an understatement. The dwelling screamed out “home.” A swing hung from one of the oak tree’s branches. In the summer the grass would cover the front lawn in a counterpane of green with flowers trimming the edges of the house.
“Shawna is in the back yard playing with our grandbabies,” Diana said, linking her arm in Jobeth’s, comfortably. She began to lead her toward the house.
“Your husband here says you are newlyweds. Big responsibility having to raise a little sister on top of just becoming a wife. Once the babies start coming, you are going to have your hands full.” Diana exclaimed. Jobeth’s heart jumped.
Suddenly she felt frightened and didn’t understand why. She looked back beseechingly to Alan who was engrossed in his conversation with George.
He did not notice the anxiety in Jobeth’s eyes.
“Shawna is no trouble to Alan or me. We love her dearly,” Jobeth said a bit defensively. “She is a blessing.”
Diana looked at the young girl’s wounded face. This couple did seem awfully green to her. But what tugged at Diana’s heart most was the sorrow in Jobeth’s eyes. She had seen that look before in ones who had beheld and lost too much in life. Diana also saw how those same pained eyes would glow lovingly at the boy, Alan. He shined just as brightly at Jobeth.
“Children are all a blessing,” Diana smiled kindly. Jobeth forced her lips into a grin and followed Diana into the little house.
It was beautiful. It had two separate bedrooms plus a loft. There was a secluded room for cooking and eating, plus another room for sitting and relaxing. This room boasted two chairs and a couch jacketed in a rich burgundy material.
Best of all was the outhouse. It was indoors! An odd-looking chain hung from a tank attached to the wall. When you pulled it, the waste was flushed away. It was truly amazing. Jobet
h and Alan had never imagined such a device. Diana and George laughed at the young couple’s disbelief and had to demonstrate how it worked.
“They are called toilets and they are the wave of the future. Soon every home will have one,” exclaimed Diana, her hands clutched to her full chest.
“Now that you have seen our little place, what do you think?”
“It is the most beautiful residence I have ever seen,” Jobeth was unable to hide her awe. Alan smiled proudly at her excited face.
“There is the barn too, and a few animals,” George said, holding the hand of his bride of fifty years. “You don’t have to start from scratch. We know how hard it is to start a home when you are newlyweds.”
“Do you want the house, Jobeth?” Alan asked, clutching her hands tightly in his.
“Of course,” Jobeth commented in disbelief. She had never dreamed of such luxuries. “But how? You don’t even have a job?”
“I got a good paying job in town while you were sleeping. In fact, after I was hired, I asked around if there was a house I could buy and was told about
George and Diana. All we need to do is give Diana and George our horses and wagon, plus a hundred dollars.”
Jobeth couldn’t believe their luck. Could it be possible the beautiful house could be theirs?
“That is it?” She squeaked. A hundred dollars was a lot of money. It was all the money Alan had saved. A near fortune. But a home such as George and
Diana’s was a dream comes true.
“Yes,” Diana chuckled, placing a hand on a bewildered Jobeth’s shoulder.
“George and I want a change. The children are grown and have families of their own. Now it is our time. Like when we were first married.” George reddened and coughed, embarrassed. It had been his dream, when they first got married, to travel across the country, but Diana kept having one baby after the other. Now, finally his dream was coming true. All he wanted was Diana by his side and leather reins in his calloused hands.
“The horses are fine beasts. We aren’t really giving you a deal, Miss.”
Jobeth nodded kindly to the older man. If he only knew how they had started out. This house was too much to ever dream of.
“Alan says you have been traveling for months and it is beautiful,” George said, excited. His adventure was about to begin. He would never have guessed at sixty-eight years of age his life’s wish would come true.
“Wonderful,” Jobeth cooed, remembering the therapeutic power of the open plains. Yes, her heart was forever changed with the loss of Jonah and her baby, but the journey to this little town had begun to heal the wound their deaths had left.
“Well, Jobeth?” Alan asked, staring into her hazel eyes, looking incredibly handsome. Jobeth’s blood felt warm in her veins and her heart fluttered uncontrollably. “Do we take it?”
“I would be a fool if I said no,” she said, overcome with joy, “Yes, we’ll take it.”
Jobeth spun around, arms outstretch like a gleeful child in the center of the family room.
“Oh, Alan!” she cried out happily.
George and Diana needed a week to pack and say their farewells to their children. Alan and Jobeth used that time to enroll Shawna in the local school, and to become accustomed to their new surroundings.
Diana and George were dears, always there to help the younger couple with whatever they needed. Jobeth felt it was all too soon when the older couple sat in the buggy, glowing about their impending future. They wished Jobeth and Alan well and said their good-byes with warm embraces.
“We are so lucky to get this house!” Jobeth said, jumping into Alan’s arms, laughing. Shawna sat on the couch with her dolls. She could not sit by and quietly watch Alan and Jobeth’s enthusiasm. Bouncing off her seat and sending her dolls tumbling to the plush rug, the bright child joined in the excitement, running into Jobeth’s and Alan’s waiting arms.
“Are you happy, Jobeth?” Alan asked, holding her close to his strong chest.
“Yes,” she breathed, deeply conscious of her breast pressed firmly against
Alan. Tingling sensations rippled through her nipples and she felt them harden. Confused, she pulled away slightly.
Alan was conscious of his effect on Jobeth and gripped her tighter to him.
“Now that I have told everyone we are married, you won’t have to hide like before. Shawna can have friends at the house and you can, too.” He said in a husky voice. He looked deeply into Jobeth’s flushed face. His eyes dove into the depths of her soul. She felt a warmth between her legs and she pulled abruptly away from his embrace.
“Let’s go see our animals.” Jobeth bent down to the giggling Shawna and lifted her onto her hip. She avoided Alan’s eyes, confused with these new emotions.
“You heard your sister, Shawna, let’s go!” Alan clapped. He reached over and retrieved Shawna from Jobeth’s grasp easily placing the squirming six year old on his broad shoulders. Nothing was going to ruin his good mood, not even
Jobeth’s hesitance towards him.
He watched the back of her head as she demurely walked in front of him. Her long sandy hair was loose and it bounced softly down to her narrow waist.
“We are going to like it here!” he roared, full of life, clasping Shawna’s legs firmly around his neck. The child wrapped her small hands under Alan’s stubbly chin and held on tight.
“Go! Go! Go!” Shawna squealed, roughly kicking Alan in the chest with little bare feet. Jobeth glanced over her shoulder shyly, unable to keep her heart from fluttering uncontrollably at the sight of Alan and Shawna so content together.
“You heard our girl, Jobeth. Let’s go, go, go!” Alan teased, speeding past her.
Shawna’s squeals trailed behind them.
Jobeth blushed, turning a scarlet shade. She took a deep breath and exhaled, pausing a moment before she continued on. She needed to compose herself before she faced Alan again.
Outside there was a small barn with a chicken coop nestled right beside it where chickens scurried to escape a bullying roaster.
“Oh look,” Shawna pointed, “baby chickies!”
Alan put the excited youngster down and opened the door to let her in.
Shawna ran inside and began to chase the yellow, chirping puffballs. The mother hen, angered by Shawna’s pursuit of her offspring, pecked furiously at her exposed ankles.
“Ouch!” giggled Shawna, gently pushing the mother chicken aside with her foot.
Jobeth chuckled to herself. Shawna looked beautiful standing amongst the clucking fowl, her face animated. The child bent and retrieved a squeaking chick and nestled it to her cheek lovingly. Jobeth fondly remembered similar events that had happened in her own childhood at about the same age. She took a deep refreshing breath. It was good to know Shawna would have memories of the softness of a baby chicks’ down rubbed against a cheek. Maybe it would help to erase all the bad ones she had accumulated over her short lifetime.
“Let’s go see the other animals,” Alan said over Jobeth’s shoulder. She could feel his breath warm on her neck, as goose bumps jumped forth from her skin like seedlings springing out of the newly dampened earth after a rain. Jobeth nodded, hesitantly rubbing the goose bumps on her arms. For some reason she didn’t yet understand, she was suddenly uncomfortable being alone with Alan.
“Shawna, are you staying here?” Alan asked, leading Jobeth towards the barn.
“Yes!” she grinned as a furry chick pecked at her hand. Jobeth laughed despite her apprehension. The sight of Shawna being attacked by chickens was too funny not to respond. She sighed nervously and followed Alan obediently towards the barn, feeling rather foolish. This was Alan, what was there to be afraid of?
Inside the barn a medium size brown cow and her calf greeted them. The beast mooed lazily in response to their arrival and continued to chew on the yellow hay littering the barn floor. Her calf ignored the visitors and suckled busily from its mother’s udders.
“We will have to ge
t some pigs,” Alan said, walking over to the stall to examining the cow. “Maybe even a horse and carriage.”
Queenie sauntered into the barn, her tail wagging playfully. She bent down low on her front legs and yipped at the mother cow. The cow, unmoved by
Queenie, mooed back at the dog. Queenie, insulted, turned on her haunches and ran out the door, barking once more in defiance over her furry shoulder.
Alan and Jobeth both began to laugh, the earlier tension between them melting away.
Jobeth smiled warmly as she bent down and shooed the little brown calf away from its mother’s milk supply. Everything was going to be all right.
“This is my dream house,” Jobeth said to Alan later that evening. They sat side by side on the couch, Jobeth admiring the handiwork of the furniture. Diana must have worked hard to make the cushions fit the carved wood frames.
She traced her finger down the tightly sewn seams of the flush wine cushions, her eyes focusing on Shawna, who lay fast asleep on a matching chair.
“Ever since Shawna and I ran away...” Jobeth stopped herself. She didn’t want to remember those times. Too much pain would surface, with the memory of other times. One bad memory would lead to another and another. This was a happy time. She had to learn to let go of the past and all that happened in it.
“What?” Alan asked. He had always been curious about what had happened to Jobeth before he found her asleep on the dirty mattress with Shawna held tight in her grip.
“Nothing,” she stood up, avoiding Alan’s eyes. “Shawna is asleep and we should put her to bed. Which room will be ours?” She reached down to pick up the sleeping body. Shawna’s pale blonde hair haloed her angelic face causing
Jobeth’s heart to swell with love. She bent and kissed the warm, flushed cheek like a mother would a favored child.
Alan stared at Jobeth, holding his breath. He couldn’t stand not to touch her any longer. He stood up and quietly walked behind her. Nervously he reached out, placing a gentle hand on her slender shoulder. Jobeth turned her hazel eyes upon him, and then quickly shifted her gaze down to her shoes.
Alan summoned all his courage. She had responded to him in the barn. She had. It wasn’t his imagination.
Jobeth began to shake uncontrollably. She was torn between fear and something else she could not explain. Something warm and good.
“I thought...” Alan said, slowly caressing Jobeth’s arm with his finger. His breath became heavier and his heart pounded uncontrollably. “Since everyone thinks we are married...” He hesitated then leaned over and softly kissed the nape of Jobeth’s neck. A shiver raced through her whole body, like the rumble of thunder. Alan felt the goose bumps rise beneath his lips and continued to softly kiss her neck, savoring the tiny bumps.
She was torn between pleasure and fear. Against her will, her hands combed through Alan’s soft chestnut hair, pulling his head closer to her waiting neck.
Alan, encouraged by Jobeth’s grip on his head, kissed her straight, fine-boned jaw. She let out a sigh as Alan, unable to hold back, cupped her face in his hands and kissed her hard on the mouth. She acknowledged his touch, grasping him to her heaving chest like a starved person finally handed food
He slid his tongue between her parted lips and without hesitation she opened her mouth and received him greedily.
“Oh, Jobeth,” Alan moaned, clutching her savagely to him, afraid she would suddenly vanish and leave his arms empty, “I have wanted this for so long.”
“Alan...” Jobeth sighed arching her head back allowing him to kiss her throat and collarbone. Warmth permeated Jobeth. She didn’t want his kisses to stop. Each time his lips touched her skin, she felt electrical current crackle through her. She felt Alan’s hand unbutton her blouse and his warm wet kisses cover her chest, slowly creeping to her breast held tight in her corset.
The stays were quickly loosened and her perky breasts fell free from their imprisonment.
Alan swallowed hard at the perfect beauty of the round flesh, with small rosebud nipples.
“Oh Jobeth, I love you so,” he exhaled in a husky voice. His hand caressed the circular form. The nipple instantly became erect. Unable to leave the other bare he gently stroked it with his bottom lip.
Jobeth, completely enthralled, held Alan’s head to her breast, wanting to cry out with delight. She jumped as she felt Alan’s lips encircle her raised nipple. It was moist and good. He began to suck gently and then with more fervor.
Alan felt the uncomfortable confinement of his enlarging groin. His hands encircled Jobeth’s back and he pulled her to him, eagerly pressing her to his throbbing member hidden behind his trousers.
She went into his arms willingly, pressing her pulsing body to Alan’s hard one. He rubbed against her intensely and Jobeth gasped.
Suddenly Father James stood before her, fat and ugly, his purple snake enveloped in mangy black curly hair. Memories of him forcing that vile stick savagely into her flooded her mind. Revolted, she pulled away clutching her blouse over her exposed breast.
“No!” Jobeth began to cry, horrified at what was happening between them.
Alan stood stunned, his erection becoming increasingly painful in his pants.
“Jobeth?” He reached out to her.
“Stay away from me,” she yelled, not seeing Alan any longer, but Father
James. She had been transported back in time to the house that had caused her so much pain.
“Give me the whip, Father James. I don’t want to play these games. I promise I will never wet the bed again.” Jobeth fell to the ground, crying hysterically, pounding it viciously with closed fists.
Alan, dumbfounded, dropped behind Jobeth and grabbed her arms, trying to prevent her from hurting herself. Everything was going terribly wrong.
“Jobeth you are safe. It’s me Alan,” he reassured her, holding on for dear life. She fell into his arms heaving and sobbing, burying her face in her hands.
The nightmare had passed. She was again with Alan in their new home. It was Alan: sweet, kind Alan, not Father James.
“What happened to you?” Alan
“Nothing,” Jobeth shrieked, clutching her arms protectively around her unbuttoned blouse. Alan sat down wearily beside Jobeth. Shame coursed through his heated body, all desire leaving him. He was nothing more than a selfish rogue. Why would Jobeth just give herself to him freely? They weren’t really married.
“Who is Father James? Is he a priest?’
Jobeth’s head jerked up surprised. “How do you?” She shook her head confused. “Am I going crazy?”
“Jobeth,” Alan lightly touched her damp arm. She pulled away, causing him to blush, embarrassed. He sat back some distance, giving her the space she wanted. He loved her so much; he felt he would die without her in his life. Now all his hopes for them were shattered. “Did this Father James do something to hurt you?”
“Why should I tell you?” she cried, hunched into the corner of the couch.
She knew this time would come. The time to expose what had happened with
Father James and the outcome of that union, her son. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes. Her precious, tiny baby. Oh how her heart ached to hold him one more time! Images of his tiny grave littered with red flowers played itself out behind her closed eyes. Jonah was with him; he was not alone and by now the little flowers would have crept over onto his grave as well, blanketing them both with her love. She opened her eyes. It was time to reveal her shame and her heartache. It was time for her baby to be recognized.
“I don’t know a thing about your past,” she said lamely trying one more time to avoid the inevitable. Alan would never want to live with her after he knew the truth. He would probably even find her unfit to care for Shawna. Fear enveloped Jobeth; she could not lose them too.
“All right,” Alan jumped up from his seat. Shawna moaned in her sleep.
Alan savagely raked his fingers through his hair, a habit Jobeth had come to recognize me
ant he was troubled about something. “Stay here. I will put Shawna to bed and then we are going to talk. It’s time we got everything out
in the open.”
How strange the night had turned on him. Teasing him to believe Jobeth was his. At least Shawna did not change, he thought. She was still the sweet little girl she always was. She was always happy to see him and never disappointed if he did something wrong. He sighed as he looked at her in his arms, then laid her on her bed and kissed her warm brow, tucking the slumbering child under her blankets. Quietly, he stood and left the room, shutting the door behind him.
Jobeth was still huddled in the corner of the couch, sniffing. She watched
Alan as he sat down on the opposite side and felt sad. He looked defeated and
Jobeth knew she was responsible. Alan always tried so hard and she made him feel like a failure every time.
I am not worthy of him, she thought, staring at Alan’s pained expression.
It was time to be honest. At least Alan would not feel responsible for her outbursts any more.
Alan looked to the ceiling and could not help but admire the white, smooth surface. He took a deep breath and glanced down at his rough knuckles.
“I am not an orphan,” he began. Jobeth startled, sat up straight. “My parents are alive.”
“What?”
“Let me finish,” he said, not looking up. He did not want to tell this story. It was all a distant memory. A memory he cared not to remember, but if it would help Jobeth convey her own bad memories, then he would do it.
“My parents, they were terrible. They drank moonshine all the time and beat me when they were liquored up. They told me I was nothing but a freeloader and wished I was never born.” He choked, refusing to look at Jobeth’s sympathetic eyes. “Anyway, when I was eight years old, one day they up and went to town. I was glad because I could have some peace for a bit. Well, they never returned. I did not know what to do. I was just a little thing. Days passed and I was starving. I wandered through the house crying out for help, but no one answered.” Alan paused remembering the fear he had felt as a boy. The pain resurfaced as fresh as if his parents had left him only the day before. “The nights were the worst. The night sounds...I used to hide under the bed, thinking every sound was a monster coming to eat me up. Finally, because I was starving, I went out on the streets and begged for food. I even hoped I would see my parents and ask them to take me back. I could handle the beatings but
I could not stand being all alone.” He finally glanced at Jobeth and quickly turned away. She could feel his pain from the experiences he had endured as a child. How horrible it must have been to be abandoned by your parents! She had been lucky to have her parents for the short time she did.
“The street folks took me in as one of their own. Especially one--Eddy.”
Jobeth thought she heard Alan’s voice break slightly. “We decided to make it big on our own. We hopped on a train and we did all right. We weren’t rich by any means, but we had a home and a little money put aside. Eddy was the first real family I had ever had. I had only lived with beatings and hatred before. Eddy gave me love and comfort. He gave me everything.
“Everything was going well until my parents came and took me away. I still don’t know how they found me. I told them I hated them and that I would not go with them. Damn, I was already ten by then and the only time I had ever been happy was with Eddy. He was my father in my heart and the only parent I needed,” a tear rolled down Alan’s cheek. “I asked them where they had been the last two years. They never answered me and took me anyway. They threatened Eddy and me, telling us they would have the sheriff arrest and hang
Eddy for kidnapping. I had no choice but to go. Eddy cried when I left and I cried too. He was so good to me, Jobeth. No one had ever been so good to me. I knew what it was like to love and be loved in return. I was never allowed to see Eddy ever again. Two months later, he died.” Alan covered his face with his hands, his emotions taking control of him. It had been a long time since he had thought of Eddy and he was surprised how fresh the pain still was for losing his only father figure.
“Eddy was old. That was true, and he was the kindest man I ever knew. My time with him was the best part of my childhood. I suppose that is why my parents took me from him. They could not stand to see me happy, especially with someone like Eddy. You see Eddy was black, and there was no way their son was going to be raised by a nigger.”
Jobeth looked up at Alan. Jonah’s gentle face jumped into her mind. Oh how she missed him.
“I despised these two people who claimed to be my parents. They had not changed. They continuously insulted me and beat me within an inch of my life on more than one occasion. They drank day and night; if I ever saw them sober I couldn’t tell you. I don’t remember it. It was harder living with them the second time. Maybe it was because they kept badgering me for living with a black man, or maybe it was because I now knew what it was like to be loved. I had never known before. Eddy taught me I was good enough to love. That I was someone. That is so important to a child and something I plan for my own children to always know. I will never let them feel like they aren’t worth loving... Anyway, my parents were cruel.
“When I was twelve I left to go to town and decided I would never go back. I met Todd and Adam on the road. We met up with others. Some stayed for a while and others left. I remember when we met Jonah.” Alan shook his head remembering and laughed sadly, “He was nearly dead when we found him. He reminded me of Eddy. Not just because he was black but also because he was like him: Kind and funny with a good heart. Now they are both gone. I used to believe Jonah was Eddy. Stupid, eh?”
“No,” Jobeth said weakly, wanting to reach out and comfort Alan. He looked so lost sitting on the other side of the couch. It broke her heart to see him in such pain. It had never occurred to her that maybe he too had experienced such horrible events in his young life.
“Now you know,” Alan said, wiping his face with a hanky he retrieved from his pants pocket. Jobeth looked at him mutely, not knowing what to say.
She did not have time to say anything. Alan leaned forward a bit and looked straight into Jobeth’s eyes with his slanted feline ones.
“I want to know what happened to you. I was honest with you, now it is time for you to be honest with me.”
“I’m afraid to tell you,” Jobeth uttered barely louder than a whisper. Her hand clutched the sides of the cushions, digging in with all her strength.
“Jobeth,” Alan said coming and sitting beside her. He pried her hand free from its death grip and lifted her chin to face him. Jobeth closed her eyes and turned her face away, tears beginning to form. He pulled her face towards him again, forcing her to look at him. “Jobeth, you don’t need to be afraid. I will never think badly of you.” He blushed in all honesty, the love plainly written in his face.
“Oh, Alan, you will loathe me. I just know it and I can’t bear for you to hate me.” She couldn’t stand to look into his loving eyes and see the shock in them when she revealed her sordid story.
“How could I hate you? I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before,” Alan confessed. Jobeth looked into his strange, wondrous eyes. She had once thought they were unusual and odd. Now she saw the truth in them. He loved her and she knew without a doubt she also loved him.
Closing her eyes, her heart started to deaden. How could Alan love her after she told him about herself?
“Alan, I feel the same. I do and that is why I am so afraid of telling you.”
“Jobeth,” Alan beamed, grasping her hands to his firm chest. His very soul was singing. “This is the most wonderful news I have ever heard.”
“Alan, no.” Jobeth cut him off, placing the palm of her hand over his moist lips. He grabbed it and kissed the smooth surface. She gently pulled it away, not wanting to look at his face, the face she had grown to love so dearly.
“I am an orphan,” she started. She had to t
ell him the truth, he deserved to know. If they were to have any future together, she was going to have to come clean about her past. Whatever happened, she would deal with the consequences. The weight of her secret was too heavy to keep any longer.
“A few months before I met you and the others, my parents had been killed in a train accident,” Jobeth breathed deeply, dreading to tell the rest of her story.
Alan listened patiently, his face void of any signs of emotion. He knew
Jobeth would watch closely to see if his expressions would change.
She started by telling him about Pauli, and the tragic accident that took him from their family. Then about the loss of her parents, and her nightmares of how the hurricane had wiped out everyone on the train. Her chest tightened at the recollection of the horrible way her parents died. Jobeth could not believe how it still hurt to think of it. It had been nearly two years since their deaths. It suddenly dawned on her that she had never spoken about how they had died to anyone before.
“I loved my parents dearly.” She swallowed; a lump had begun to form in her throat. “They were good folks. Our lives together were happy. After their terrible deaths I was sent to a home for orphans. I had no living relatives to go and stay with. The people who ran the home were Mother Tomalina and
Father...” Jobeth could not bring herself to say his name out loud.
“Father James?” Alan asked, holding on tightly to her hand. He was beginning to see where Jobeth’s story was going.
“Yes.” Jobeth whispered, her eyes fixed and blankly staring into space. Her throat felt so tight she could not swallow.
“Was he a priest?” Alan asked. It would not be the first time it had happened with a man of the cloth.
“No,” Jobeth said miserably. “We just had to call him that.”
“Did he force himself on you?” Alan asked, focusing his eyes on Jobeth’s hand held firmly in his. Hearing the words spoken out loud, Jobeth could not hold back and burst into tears.
Alan caught the agony about to release in his own throat. His arms automatically went around Jobeth and he held her shaking body tightly.
“You don’t have to worry. I won’t ever hurt you,” he whispered into Jobeth’s hair as he stroked her thin back. He lifted her chin with his hands so she could look into his eyes. “I love you. The moment I saw you and Shawna asleep on that old mattress, I fell in love with you. Nothing will ever change that.”
“But, Alan,” Jobeth sobbed, “what happened between--”
“Jobeth,” Alan soothed, “he forced you. My darling, how could you blame yourself?” He gathered her into his arms as she sobbed like a child.
“Alan, he said I provoked him, led him on. I didn’t think I did, honestly. The man had always repulsed me.” Jobeth broke into fresh tears. It was like a dam had been released inside of her and she could not stop the outpour.
“Shh now, I know.” Alan patted her head, reassuringly. “If I ever see the animal, I will kill him for what he did to you.” He did not want Jobeth to know the anger he truly felt over her rape. The thought of Jobeth’s virginity being ripped away from her by another man and the thought of that man touching her and taking something of hers freely without permission made Alan barely able to see straight. He shook his head, clearing his mind of the horrible vision.
“There is more, Alan,” Jobeth sobbed, holding him tight. Alan felt his own eyes burn with tears. He could barely stand to hear what she had to say next.
“What is it darling? You can tell me,” he lied, hating every word she uttered.
“I had--” she stuttered, remembering the tiny infant weighing barely more than a stick of butter, so small in her loving arms. “I had a son.”
Alan pulled Jobeth abruptly away from him.
“What?” he gasped, speechless and unable to hide the emotion flooding to his face.
Jobeth began to wail. “Oh, Jobeth, I am sorry. I’m not angry. Please, you just surprised me.” He grasped her tightly to his chest again, feeling her tremble uncontrollably.
Fear seized him. Where was the child? It did not make sense. Jobeth had said her parents died only a few months before they had met.
“I ran away after the first time.” Jobeth wept. “I didn’t know I was pregnant until that time when I fainted at the lake with Tamara.”
Alan remembered the incident and how frightened he had been for her.
The pieces started to come together. He had stupidly thought that Jobeth’s growing belly was caused by parasites and her deteriorating health during their first travels.
“What happened to the baby?” he was confused. The child would have been born. Where was it and how could he have not known?
“You and Shawna were gone to town,” Jobeth sniffed, wiping her red nose. “It was too early for him to be born. Jonah delivered him and he died shortly after. We buried him in the field. The same place where we buried Jonah.”
Jobeth held her breath, waiting for a response from Alan. The truth was out. It was too late to turn back.
“Is that why you insisted Jonah be buried there?” Alan asked trying to soak up all the shocking information. How could he have been so blind? He remembered how once for nearly a week Jobeth would not leave her room.
When she did, her waist had shrunk away. Jonah had said Jobeth did not need a doctor that the doctor could not help the sickness she had. It all made sense to Alan now. Jobeth had been grieving the death of her child. How could they have kept it from him? He bent his head, aghast at the horrifying news.
“Yes. Jonah wanted to be buried there, as did I. We named my little son after him.” Jobeth’s eyes began to tear again. “I did not want my baby, but when I held my little boy, I loved him as much as a mother could love her child. I will always miss him and the man he might have been. But I had Jonah and he was such a support for me. He saved my soul and now they are both gone.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have been there for you, too,” Alan said, numbed.
“I was afraid you would have nothing to do with me. I thought you would find me disgusting. I did not want to lose the only family I still had,” Jobeth hiccupped--the horror of the past had already begun to lift.
“You never need to worry about telling me something, Jobeth. I will always listen and never would I leave you,” Alan whispered afraid to let her hand go.
“I am so sorry about your son. I cannot imagine your loss.”
“I feel so awful. I hated the man who raped me, but I loved the son that was produced from it. Am I that sinful? I don’t deserve anything.”
“No. Jobeth, you did no wrong. You loved your child, like all mothers should. You cannot punish yourself any longer. You have committed no sin.”
Jobeth, now released from her guilt, clung to Alan.
“What about Shawna?” He asked, stroking Jobeth’s hair. His feelings were hurt that she had not felt comfortable confiding in him sooner, but he kept his feelings to himself and concentrated on the baffling story being told. Jobeth had lived an entire life without him even realizing it and something told him there was more, meaning Shawna. He had always wondered how the two could be sisters. Besides the age difference, they looked incredibly different from one and other.
“Is she really your sister?”
“In my heart, yes, but no,” Jobeth said looking up at Alan. He looked down at Jobeth with more love than she felt she deserved. “Not by blood that is. She was one of the children at the home. Her sister was killed.” Jobeth stopped remembering how she had feared the same fate awaited her and Shawna.
“He raped her.”
The blood drained from Alan’s face.
“I never knew her until I was going to run away. She begged me to take her with me. I almost didn’t. I was afraid she would slow me down. She ended up being the reason I kept going. No matter what, I needed to keep going for her.”
“I remember what she looked like when I first saw the two of you.” Alan said. Jobeth?
??s head was cradled in the nook of his shoulder. “A frightened little lamb. No wonder, the poor thing . . . She was never raped?” Alan asked a few minutes later, afraid to hear the answer.
“No, he seemed to prefer them a little older than her.” Jobeth sighed, starting to feel sleepy. It had been an exhausting night. “Will I ever be forgiven?” She still feared damnation, but not as strongly as before.
“You never needed to be forgiven, Jobeth,” Alan yawned too. “You have suffered enough loss. You don’t need to be forgiven. You did nothing wrong.”
His eyelids drooped and he could hear Jobeth’s steady rhythmic breathing. He held her tighter, feeling drowsy.
“I love you, Jobeth, and I will wait forever for you,” Alan whispered falling asleep.
The next morning, Jobeth awoke in Alan’s muscular arms. She got up and went outside to the chicken coop to get eggs for breakfast. The air felt cool and crisp as she walked back to the house. For the first time in a very long time,
Jobeth felt peace in her soul. She stopped and gazed around at the view. The ground was frozen with a sheet of ice that covered everything. Wind blew her waist length hair out behind her and she looked the picture of an ice maiden standing in her frosty domain. Everything sparkled with life and promise. Alan loved her. He knew everything and still loved her. Finally, the weight on her soul was removed. She had nothing else to hide.
She searched the sky. The morning sun shone down on her fresh up-turned face. She grinned and closed her eyes.
“Oh, Jonah, I do miss you and I always will. As always, your words of wisdom have once again rung true. Please watch over my little one. Tell him I love him. Mama, Pappy, I am sorry, but I did not ask for what Father James did to me. I will not apologize for my son any longer. I love you, please watch over my boys and give them the love I cannot right now. I must say good bye and start living my life fresh again.” She looked away from the sky and continued walking toward the house. Right beside the door nestled in the corner, she spotted something red buried deep beneath the grass and other vegetation.
She bent down pushing away the greenery to expose the tiny red flower trying desperately to shove through. Blood coursed through her warm and alive. It was the same red flower she had planted on her baby boy’s grave. The same flower which now covered both Jonah’s and the baby’s resting place. She thought of the dried seed head she had wrapped tenderly in a hanky in her drawer. They were still with her, they were always with her. Smiling down on the tiny flower, she thought of how she would weed out the other plants to let the flower grow and multiply. She stood up, dusted herself off and opened the door to where Shawna and Alan waited for her.
Chapter 12 —