"They are licensed tracers and assassins. As such, the first blood law governs them, too--because they're trained. Unless they have a death warrant for the person, they'd better be bleeding when they kill them or they're screwed."
She let out a tired breath. "I didn't realize how complicated the laws were."
"You're a civilian. There's no need for you to know."
Perhaps, but what a way to find out. "I can't believe that a government can take out a contract on me and have me killed with immunity while my protectors could be executed for keeping me safe. It just doesn't make sense."
"Welcome to The League, princess. The bureaucrats are idiots and so long as a government pays a high enough fee, they make the laws that govern all of you dumb enough to subject yourselves to them."
"But not you?"
"I only follow the law when it impacts those around me."
She watched him put the blaster back together, his hands running through the procedure with practiced ease. It was a strange ballet, mesmerizing. "When you decided to quit The League, how did you do it? Did you just tell them no thanks, or what?"
He grimaced, slamming a piece of the grip back into its firing position. "Why do you want to know?"
She shrugged, an image of the promoters running through her mind and how they'd react if she told them to go roast their parts like she'd wanted to many times in the past.
"Because of the courage it took for you to do so. Most people would rather suffer through a bad situation than take the steps needed to free themselves, especially if they knew that by freeing themselves, it would make them hunted. I just want to know how you did it. Did you walk up to your boss and tell him to stuff it or did you go quietly?"
He set the blaster down on the table between them. "I'm not completely suicidal and it wasn't something I'd ever planned to do. One night I came face to face with what I was, what I'd become. I didn't want to be that mindless dog anymore, so I took my targets to a safe zone, deposited them there with enough money to make sure they would be cared for for the rest of their lives, and then dug out my tracer and never looked back."
She frowned. For some reason, she hadn't imagined it would be that easy to leave The League. "Why?"
Nykyrian paused as he remembered the sight of the little girl screaming as she saw him coming out of the shadows to kill her and her mother. Her mother had been terrified as she'd clung to her child.
Please, not my baby. Please, let her live. She's only five. She's done nothing wrong. For the love of the gods, don't hurt her. Kill me, but spare her. I'll do anything you ask. She'd jerked her expensive necklace off and held it out to him. Take it. Just spare my baby.
The mother was just as innocent as the child, but she'd never uttered a single word to spare her own life. Only her daughter's.
Nykyrian had held his knife in his fist as all the years of League training ripped through him. Kill or be killed. If you fail, you will die.
No exceptions.
A part of him had wanted to end their lives simply because they had something he'd never known.
Maternal love.
A mother willing to die for her child. One who would suffer anything to spare it. Rage and jealousy had torn through him as he remembered his own mother sending him into hell when he'd been the same age as the little girl. There had been no compassion on his mother's face. No tears for him. She'd handed him off to her guards and told them to take him away.
You sicken me, you ugly, worthless bastard. The cold look on his mother's face still haunted him. Make sure he never returns here.
He could still feel the wrenching sobs he'd cried as he begged his mother to let him stay with her, as he'd cried and promised to be good. To stay out of sight of the rest of the world so that he couldn't shame her.
She hadn't listened or cared. Instead, she'd pried his desperate fingers from her wrist and turned her back on him.
But the mother he'd been sent to kill had been different. She'd held her daughter close and shielded her daughter from him with her body.
How could he kill someone whose love was so pure?
He'd given them their lives at the expense of his own. He didn't even know if it'd been worth it. There really wasn't much difference in his life. The only thing that had changed was the person telling him to kill and the number of people trying to kill him.
Everything else was the same. The loneliness. The mistrust. The empty place in his soul. All that seemed to be eternal.
And now he looked at Kiara who'd asked him a question he'd asked himself many times over the years.
Why?
There was one truth above all others.
"Because some things are more important than our own lives." Such as the love of a mother willing to die to save her child. To him that was so rare that, having found it, he hadn't been willing to destroy it.
Kiara tilted her head to stare at him. "I don't understand. If you're an assassin--"
"I was tired of blindly following orders, princess, and in one night it all came to a head. All my life, everything I wore, ate, or did had been dictated to me by someone else. In that one moment, I decided that I would rather be dead than live one more second enslaved to people I couldn't stand or respect. It was just that simple."
And it had been just that hard.
She shook her head. "Do you regret it?"
"No. It was the best day of my life."
"Even though it made you hunted?"
"Yes."
Kiara nodded, her heart hanging heavy with just one more thing she needed to ask. Finally, she found the courage to bring it up. "Do you ever think of dying? Really?"
Nykyrian rubbed his hand across his jaw. "No. I really don't care one way or the other."
He had nothing to live for.
Tears welled up in her eyes. "I want to be like you. But I'm so scared of death. Of what's on the other side. What if it's nothing? Or cold and dark? What if we're there alone without our friends or families? Oh God, I'm so scared." Covering her trembling lips with her hand, she ran down the hallway to the safety of her room.
Nykyrian sat on the couch, looking down at his weapons on the table. "That is my life now, princess," he whispered. And she was right. It was hell.
He heard her sobs through the wall. They were the same soul-wrenching ones he'd cried when his mother had abandoned him. The kind that came from the darkest part of the soul where all the pain of the heart lived.
Leave her alone. She's nothing to you.
But unlike him, she wasn't used to hurting alone. To knowing no comfort.
His gaze went to the photos of her with her parents and friends. The happy smiles and the hugs.
She was a creature of the light. One used to comfort and warmth.
Damning himself for the weakness, he got up and went to her room. She lay curled into a ball, her sobs wracking her body. She held a pillow to her stomach as she let out all the fear this day had laid at her feet.
Nykyrian remained silent as he pulled her against him and offered a comfort he didn't really understand. He brushed her hair from her wet cheeks, rocking her gently in his arms as he'd seen people do in shows, or mothers with their young.
Kiara held him close as she tried to put her fears behind her. But she didn't want to die. There was so much she still wanted to do with her life.
She wanted to be a mother. She wanted to travel more.
Why did they have to hunt her? Why?
She didn't want to be raped and killed . . .
And yet in the arms of a killer, she had never felt so protected. Or safer.
She didn't know how long she cried, but when she finally pulled away, the material of his shirt clung to his chest where her tears had fallen.
"I'm sorry." She sniffed and wiped the back of her hand over her cheeks.
He moved her hand and wiped the moisture away for her. "Feeling better?"
Kiara nodded. "This isn't like me." She reveled in the feel of his warm, strong
hands moving over her icy cheeks. "I know you don't believe me since I burst into tears every other minute. But I swear I'm stronger than this and I hate that you've seen me so weak and emotional. I swore I'd never cry again. That no one would make me do this. Ugh! I am pathetic."
"Don't apologize. Everyone cries sometime."
Kiara couldn't imagine him doing that no matter how much pain he was in. "Do you?"
"Inside I do."
"I don't believe you."
"Yeah, well, I am lying, but I was trying to make you feel better."
Kiara laughed through her tears. "You did. Thank you." She stared at him, wishing she could see his whole face. In so many ways he was a complete stranger, yet they sat now like old friends or even lovers, and she'd shared things with him that she'd never shared with another living soul.
In spite of his ferocity, he was amazingly easy to talk to. He didn't appear to judge her. Rather, he accepted her with all the evil emotional baggage that came along with her, and that was rare enough that she fully appreciated it.
And right now, she ached to kiss his lips. But she knew if she tried, he'd push her away again and end this peaceful moment.
She desperately didn't want it to end.
"What do you think is on the other side?" she asked, wondering what he believed in.
"I hope nothing. No voices, no sound. Just me and the darkness forever."
That would be hell to her. She couldn't stand darkness and silence. "Doesn't that thought scare you?"
"No. It would be peaceful, I think."
"But don't you want to see your loved ones again?"
Nykyrian looked away from her innocent face. How naive she was, thinking such a childish thought. In his world, things like that didn't exist. Loved ones were just the first to betray--the ones whose treachery hurt the most. "I don't have any."
By the scowl on her face, he could tell she couldn't accept what he was saying.
"No one? What about your friends?"
"They wouldn't miss me long." He knew that for a fact. All of them were used to loss and while they might have an occasional twinge whenever he crossed their thoughts, they would never really mourn him. They'd move on with their lives as they'd always done. He wasn't angry or bitter about that.
It was just the way of things. It was the way of them.
Kiara shook her head in denial. "Not even Nemesis? Surely your boyfriend would miss you?"
He snorted bitterly at her question. Like he'd ever given a shit about himself. "I assure you, he'd care least of all if I died tomorrow."
"You don't really believe that, do you?"
"There's not a lot to miss, princess. Trust me."
Kiara still couldn't accept what he was telling her. How could no one mourn him? Surely someone loved him. They had to. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't want to cry over her mother. To have one more moment to hold her. To feel her mother's gentle touch . . .
And he had no one who would hold that painful place in their hearts for him? Not out of selfishness, but out of love. Out of respect and care and the knowledge that the universe would be missing a vital part if he were no longer in it.
"Don't you ever socialize with your friends? Drink? Have dinners?"
"Sure, when we're working."
That wasn't the same. Gah, what a horribly lonely life.
Aching for him, Kiara reached up to touch his face. The moment she did, he set her aside and stepped away.
"No one's going to harm you, princess. On my life, I'll keep you safe." Then he was gone faster than she could blink.
Kiara's heart pounded at the audible sincerity behind his words. Her cheek burned from the memory of his gloved fingers touching her skin. There was so much more she wanted to say to him, to ask him, but she didn't know how.
He was such a dichotomy. In one minute he pulled away and snapped if she dared to even touch him, then the next he held her like a treasured love and comforted her tears.
How could such a man not be missed by anyone? It made her want to hold him close and show him that not everyone was callous.
Kiara drew a trembling breath, wishing for the nerve it would take to strip her clothes from her body and go out to the main room where Nykyrian stayed. Shera had done that to gain her last lover and had told Kiara it was a never-fail ploy to be used when she really wanted someone.
But she could never do anything so bold.
She was a coward.
Sighing, she leaned back on her bed, imagining what it would be like to have Nykyrian by her side, making love to her, soothing her fears all night long while he kept her safe.
He was still on her mind when she finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
*
When Kiara awoke, she knew instantly something had changed, but she wasn't sure what. She grabbed her robe and belted it before she went to see what made her feel so strange.
As soon as she entered her main room, she understood. Nykyrian was gone and Hauk sat on her couch munching what was left of her friggles.
He gave her the most menacing glare she'd ever received. "Something wrong?" he barked.
How could anyone look so fierce while relaxing? Was there some course they all had taken to tell them how to do that?
Or did it just come naturally?
"No." She gave him a shy smile, then lots of space as she went to dress.
Kiara took her time, wishing she'd stayed in bed and slept through the hulking Andarion's guardianship. The last thing she wanted was to spend a day with his threats and taunts.
Oh well. She'd suffered worse.
Maybe.
When she returned to the main room, Hauk had a plate of muffins waiting for her. She lifted a questioning brow, shocked by the gesture.
"They're not as good as Nykyrian's, but they won't kill you either," he said gruffly as if being friendly with her embarrassed him.
She picked one up. "I thought you hated me."
He shrugged and flipped stations on her viewer. "I hate over-privileged people in general. You just happen to fall into that category. No offense. But Nykyrian said you weren't a total bitch so I'll trust him until you make him out a liar."
Kiara shook her head. "You seriously lack social skills, don't you?"
"Basically. Kind of pride myself on that, too."
Because it weeded out those who didn't care about him. Kiara paused as she remembered her therapist telling her that when she'd gone through a nasty period of repelling anyone who came near her.
You're so afraid of being hurt that you attack first. Only those who really care about you will weather the assault of your verbal attacks and stay. The rest will fall away.
After a time, Kiara had put her anger aside and realized that her loved ones deserved something more from her than her anger and hostility.
Knowing what she did about Nykyrian and his crew, she understood their need to deploy all defense systems. It wasn't personal.
It was a grudge they all carried against the entire universe and she just happened to be a part of that outer group.
She smiled at Hauk. "Nykyrian doesn't strike me as being exactly poor. As the son of a wealthy, respected commander I would think he falls into your despised category as well."
A harumph was all that answered her.
After a moment, he tossed the remote aside in anger. "I don't suppose you have a better way of occupying our time? There's nothing on that's even good enough to rot my brain with."
Kiara laughed as she remembered her own tantrum over that very fact. "Other than eat friggles and humans, what do you like to do?"
Hauk stood and towered over her. "Anything beats talking."
"I have some games." She pulled the console out of her media armoire and blew the dust off the keyboard and controllers. The console had been a gift, but she didn't really play games so it'd never been used.
Without a word, Hauk moved to the closet and began rummaging through her small collection of discs. He emerged
with a wide smile, his long fangs flashing. "Tareba. Now there's a game I haven't seen in years." He pulled out the classic strategy game. "Would you mind playing? It sucks to be solo."
Kiara smiled in disbelief at his unexpected exuberance. "I'm probably not very good at it, but sure."
He reminded her of a kid as he attached the console to her viewer and set up the program. She was actually beginning to warm up to him.
"Where'd Nykyrian go?"
He looked up from the keyboard with a stern frown. "Did you ask him?"
"Didn't have time."
The frown lessened. "He went to get information about the people after you."
She finished off her muffin, trying to bolster her courage enough to ask the next question. "Why is Aksel Bredeh so important to Nykyrian?"
"What do you care?"
The hostility in that tone was biting. How in the world could the answer to that threaten any of them? "You guys have to be the most defensive group alive. Mia kitana, can't I ever get a simple answer out of any of you?"
Hauk laughed deep in his throat, a sound that she found far from comforting. "You're right. We live for evasiveness. You should play Questions with them sometime. I've never seen anyone hedge better than Nykyrian or Syn." It was magical the way his personality changed from coarse to friendly as he set up the controllers for them. "As for Aksel. I don't really know. Bad blood from the beginning I think."
"Why do you say that?"
He shrugged. "They were always at each other's throats. I think most of it stemmed from Aksel not being able to pass the League Academy tests while Nykyrian was always the high scorer on anything he did."
She should have figured that. Nykyrian didn't strike her as someone who'd accept second best on anything.
"So how long have you known Nykyrian?"
Hauk gave her a cold stare before he answered. "I was thirteen when we met."
"How old was he?"
"No idea."
She stared at him. "You don't know Nykyrian's age?"
"Nope. No one does."
"I'm sure Nykyrian does."
"Nah, I don't think so. The rumors in school said that he was sent to a human orphanage when he was a toddler or infant and raised there. Hell, he didn't even have a name when we met."
She had to force herself not to roll her eyes. "You're joking now."
He shook his head, his eyes burning with deadly earnest. "No. He didn't have a name until he'd been commissioned as an officer into The League--they require a name for all officers and so he picked one then. His academy records only held an approximate age range and his name was listed as Unknown Andarion Hybrid."