Nykyrian stared down at her apologetic face and wanted to curse. He couldn't believe she'd found his files. Bitter, agonizing memories tore through him. All the times in his life he'd needed someone to talk to, to hold him, flashed before his mind and he felt like crying.
What was the use?
He was nothing but a piece of shit.
But as he stared at the pain on Kiara's face as she watched him, he didn't see her scorn or condemnation. In her beautiful eyes, he saw the sincere caring he'd always craved.
She looked at him like he was human.
Something inside him shattered under the weight of her expression. How easy it would be to trust just this one person. He wanted to be able to trust someone.
Just once.
But he knew better. Look at what Mara had done to Syn. People weren't trustworthy. They'd kill for a single credit. Would mutilate another person's entire life over something as petty as hurt feelings.
People were vicious and they were cold.
He knew that firsthand and yet he didn't listen to the voice inside him and all the warnings it shouted.
For the first time in his life, he listened to his heart.
And he reached out to touch her.
CHAPTER 16
Nykyrian's hand stopped millimeters from her face.
Kiara knew that he couldn't bring himself to go any further and, having seen the horrors of his past, she finally understood why. Smiling at the gesture, she clasped his gloved hand in both of hers and kissed his fingertips. His hand, which was always so steady, trembled as she held onto it.
A hand that had been damaged so badly by other people's brutality that Nykyrian hadn't even been able to make a fist as a child.
The same hand that had soothed and protected her. That had killed others . . .
A hand he always kept covered . . .
His features unreadable, he laid that hand against her cheek while his thumb stroked her chin. He buried his other hand under her hair, his fingers lightly stroking her scalp, causing chills to form all the way down her body. Desire erupted inside her, and she knew tonight she wouldn't, couldn't, let him go. Not after what she'd seen of his past.
He'd spent his whole life in solitude and for reasons she couldn't even begin to fathom, she cared about him. She wanted to give him what no one had ever given him before. Things that she'd taken for granted her entire life. Things that every being deserved to have.
Someone to hold him when he needed it. Someone who wouldn't judge, betray, or hurt him.
His arms tightened and he pulled her up to his mouth. His lips claimed hers with a passion born of desperate need. Kiara moaned with the pleasure of it as she cupped his face in her hands. She heard his ragged breathing as he gently nipped her lips with his fangs. Opening her mouth, she welcomed him.
He slid from his chair, his hands working magic on her body. Everywhere he touched, she burned, aching for more. Her heart thundered as she ran her hands down the soft silk of his shirt, delighting in the way his hard muscles flexed beneath her fingertips.
She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything.
Nykyrian buried his lips against Kiara's neck, finally inhaling the sweet fragrance of her exotic perfume. She was so soft and warm. So very beautiful. And the way she held him . . .
Like he mattered.
In this one moment, he didn't feel like a freak. Surely she wouldn't touch someone who was. He laid his cheek against her so that he could feel the warmth of her as her breath tingled his skin. He shook with the force of his need and lost himself in the first true bliss he could recall ever feeling.
Her precious arms held him to her in a tender embrace. Desire surged through his veins like liquid fire. He clung to her, needing her, wanting her.
Chills formed under the heat of her hands across his back. He gasped as her tongue played along the tendons of his neck, her teeth gently nipping. He closed his eyes to the sensation.
Reclaiming her lips, he kissed her deeply.
Kiara's body throbbed in an aching need that demanded the feel of his naked body against hers. She ran her fingers under the collar of his shirt, but that didn't appease her, it only whet her appetite more.
She moaned as he moved his hand over her breast, down her stomach, and underneath the hem of her dress. Chills formed beneath his gloved hand as he stroked the skin of her stomach. Kiara kissed him fiercely, wanting to keep him with her.
Nykyrian growled at how good she tasted. For the first time in his life, he felt desired.
Wanted.
It's a lie . . .
Don't you dare buy it.
I was morbidly curious what it'd be like to sleep with a hybrid. Tasha's cold words tore through him.
You're a freak. I wish I'd never touched you. You ever tell anyone what happened and I'll have you killed! He winced at the memory of Driana's last words to him.
Pulling away, he looked down at Kiara and saw the same desire they'd held . . .
But it wasn't real. He was well aquainted with this game. He'd played it enough and lost to know better than to even try his hand. She was no different than they were. Today had proven that.
You're shit and shit is all you'll ever be. Not even your own mother could bear to look at you.
Leave her now before she turns you into the same drunken waste Syn has become.
Unable to bear anymore, he rose and moved away from her. His breath came in labored gasps. He stared at Kiara's confused expression, his cock aching in painful arousal. All he wanted was to feel her body against his, but it wasn't worth the pain that would come later when she kicked him out of her bed and told him she didn't want anyone to know what they'd done.
He would never do that to himself again. Better to jack off than be hurt.
"I'm sorry."
Kiara blinked, his apology confusing her more than his sudden retreat. "For what?"
He turned away and brushed his hand through his hair. "I had no right to touch you. Forgive me, princess."
Kiara's heart lurched at his pain-filled words.
Walking to him, she ran her hand over his back. "You have more right than anyone else." She gripped his upper arm and turned him around to face her. When she reached up to remove his shades, he dodged her hand.
Disheartened, but determined, she ran her hand down his cheek, her palm scraped by his whiskers. "I want you, Nykyrian."
He tore away from her as if her touch burned him. "You pity me. I don't need it, or want it."
The anger in his tone set fire to her own. "Don't tell me what I feel." She crossed the floor to stand in front of him again.
Once more he tried to move away, but she grabbed his arm and kept him by her side. "You can't walk away from me, I won't let you."
His jaw tensed. "Maybe I don't want you."
One corner of her mouth lifted. She remembered the number of discs in his cabinet of her performances, the look on his face as he reached out to her just moments ago. "If that were true, you would stay still and not keep moving away from me. Face it, soldier, you want me more than anything." She looked down and gave a pointed stare at the part of his body that showed her exactly how interested he was. "Your lips can deny it all they want, but that says it all."
He shrugged her touch away. "You don't want me. Not really. I'm just a morbid curiosity to you and nothing more." He grabbed his long, black coat from the couch where he'd draped it. "You're safe here. I'll be back in a little while."
Desperation filled her. If he left without this settled, she knew he would be gone from her forever. "By God, hybrid," she shouted. "Don't you dare walk away from me!"
The murderous look he gave her when he turned around caused her to take a step back. He clenched his hand at his side and she had the distinct feeling he wanted to kill her. "Don't you ever call me that again."
Kiara gave him no quarter as she closed the distance between them. "I thought soldiers were trained to meet conflict, not run from it. What is it abou
t me that frightens you so?"
He didn't answer.
Kiara wanted to scream in frustration.
"I'll be back later." In a single graceful move, he flared his coat out and put it on before he headed for the door.
In that moment, she had total clarity as she realized he'd quoted the bitch in the video to her. I'm just a morbid curiosity to you.
That was it . . . That was why he was running from her. He thought she'd do him the same way his commanding officer had done. That she'd kick him out of bed the moment they were through and tell him to keep his mouth shut.
Her heart splintered with the thought of all the needless and cruel pain and rejection he'd carried throughout his life. Pain she wanted to soothe and banish. "Why do you think you can't be loved?"
He froze with his back to her.
"That's it, isn't it? That's why you live here, light-years away from everyone. Why you don't even trust your best friend. You've closed yourself off from everyone and everything to the point you can't even touch me." She closed the distance between them and put her hand on his shoulder. "I won't hurt you, Nykyrian. I'm not like those others."
He looked at her over his shoulder. "I'm not blind, princess. I saw the look on your face today when I reached for a towel to help you. I disgust you. You can't deny it. You are just like everyone else who's ever looked at me."
She shook her head. "You don't disgust me, Nykyrian, and that's the truth. You learned to forgive Hauk for hurting you. Can you not forgive me, too?"
She ran her hand down his arm, to his wrist where his League tattoo began. "What you did today hurt me. It made me remember things from my past that I didn't want to--it shoved them straight into my face and it took me time to separate those monsters who killed my mother and shot me from the man you are." Wrapping her arms around his lean waist, she pressed her front against his back and laid her head against his spine. "Let me love you tonight, Nykyrian. Just once."
Nykyrian couldn't breathe as he heard words he'd never thought to hear. And when combined with her embrace . . .
It shattered his defenses.
Leave. Now. Before it's too late.
But he didn't want to. He wanted to be held. Just once. To make love to a woman who didn't stare at him like he was a foreign species. To have a woman see him as he was.
Acceptance.
Was that too much to ask?
Nykyrian turned around slowly as he ignored every single piece of common sense he had. He cupped her face in his hand as he tried to discern the truth in her eyes.
Will you betray me, too?
How could she not?
He was so battered from his life. He didn't know if he was strong enough to take another blow.
Dare he take the chance?
Kiara struggled to breathe as she realized her words had somehow made it through his defensive core. He was standing his ground.
Reaching up, she touched his shades.
He didn't move away.
Her hand trembling, she pulled them off so that she could stare into those beautiful, green, human eyes that laid bare his own fears and uncertainties. The soul she saw there wasn't frightening or cruel. It was the soul of a man who'd been thrown away one time too many.
She cupped his face in her hand and offered him the smile he deserved.
Nykyrian drew her into his arms, crushing her against him as he kissed her breathless. She could feel the pounding beat of his heart against her chest while his warmth surrounded her. And she never wanted to leave this spot of paradise. Here, in the arms of the most dangerous being in the universe, she was safe.
She nipped at his lips and smiled up at him. "Let me love you, Nykyrian. Let me prove to you that I'm not one of the monsters in this world."
Nykyrian couldn't breathe as she whispered those precious words to him. No one had ever offered him such kindness before. Scared and unsure, he saw the sincerity in her amber eyes.
Please don't be lying to me . . .
Before he could stop himself, he tightened his arms around her, picked her up from the floor, and headed for the stairs.
Kiara gasped in terror at what he was doing. "Your wound. You're going to hurt yourself."
"Believe me, princess, right now the only pain I feel is the one in my groin."
As soon as they were in his room, he tossed her on the huge black bed. Kiara barely had time to blink before he stretched out on top of her, pinning her to the mattress. As he stared into her eyes, she realized just how heavy he was.
She wrinkled her nose as she struggled to breathe. "No offense, sweetie, but you weigh a ton . . . And you're crushing me."
He hissed as he pulled away from her. "It's the coat. Sorry. I forget how heavy it is." He shrugged it off and it landed on the floor with a most disconcerting thud.
Her eyes widened at the sound. How did he wear that thing without being hunchback from the weight? "Should I even ask?"
He stepped back, his face instantly apprehensive as if she'd struck a sour chord.
Kiara tsked at him as she rose up on her knees and reached for his belt. Pulling him closer to her, she removed it and tried not to think about the weapons fastened to it. "I know what you do, Nykyrian. I saw it today and I'm not afraid now." She let the belt and holsters fall to the floor.
That made him step back. "I don't like being unarmed."
She scoffed at him. "You think I can hurt you?"
He swallowed as he placed one hand on her shoulder so that he could play with her earlobe. He stared at her as if he were searching her soul to find the truth of her character. "If we go through with this, Kiara, you will live in a place inside me where only you can do me harm. And if you plan to savage me the same way Mara did Syn, then I hope you're woman enough to kill me instead of leaving me like him."
She took his hand into hers and placed a kiss on his gloved knuckles. "I won't do that to you. I swear."
Nykyrian flinched as she started tugging at his glove. He balled his hand into a fist. "Don't. I'll take them off later."
But she didn't listen. Instead, she uncurled his fingers one by one. "I want to see."
He ground his teeth as he forced himself to endure this. It'd been almost twenty years since he last touched a woman. Twenty long, hard years.
Please don't reject me.
He held his breath, waiting for her to cringe as she uncovered his scarred hands and laid them bare. His hands were hideous and no woman wanted him to touch her once she saw them. Not that he blamed them for that. He couldn't stand to look at his hands either. It was why he always wore gloves.
But for her curiosity, he endured this humiliation.
Kiara forced herself not to react as she saw what had been done to him. Each fingernail had been torn out, leaving behind a twisted nail bed that looked as if someone had fused or cauterized it to keep the nail from growing back. The two middle fingers were twisted from all the injuries that had been done to them and his entire hand was scarred from wounds she could only guess at.
Meeting his gaze, she brought his hand to her lips and kissed each scar.
Nykyrian shook as she did what no one ever had. And when she kissed his palm . . . He was lost to her now. He would never again have any power over her.
She owned a part of him that he hadn't even known he possessed any longer.
His bloody heart.
She reached for his other hand and repeated the same slow, methodical torture. How was she able to do it? To touch and kiss something so sickening?
Hands that had taken so many lives . . .
Surely if she could ignore that, there was hope that she could . . .
Don't even go there.
But he couldn't help himself. She awakened things within him that he'd buried so long ago he'd forgotten about them. Needs that he wanted to deny.
She was beauty personified and he was all that was ugly in the universe.
When she got to the sheaths on his arms, she hesitated. "Are these spring-loa
ded?"
Nodding, he pulled them off so that they wouldn't accidentally hurt her. Next he removed the ones on his biceps.
She laughed. "It's like disarming the entire League West Fleet."
One corner of his mouth twitched. Until she started unbuttoning his shirt.
Kiara licked her lips as she uncovered more and more of his deep, tawny flesh. Scars sliced through every part of him.
How had he withstood it all? His strength amazed her, especially when she pulled the shirt off and saw the whole of his League tattoo. Bright ink covered his arm from wrist to shoulder. Black, burgundy, dark green, white, and yellow. The colors of the skull, daggers, and bone blended together in a work of art. Grisly and harsh, it was designed to inspire fear.
And that it did to anyone who saw it. The mark of a Command Assassin of the First Order.
The deadliest of them all.
Her heart breaking, she leaned forward to kiss the dagger's hilt.
Nykyrian sucked his breath in sharply at the tenderness of her touch. Wanting to please her, he reached for her dress.
Her cheeks turned bright pink as if she were suddenly embarrassed and shy.
"Do you want me to darken the room?" he asked.
"Please."
He reached for the control on the table next to his bed.
Kiara bit her lip as the lights went low and the ceiling above her head faded to transparency. A thousand stars twinkled brightly, their light bathing the room in a soft, white glow. "It looks like a dream," she whispered, awed by the beauty. "No wonder you like it here."
He sat down on the side of the bed and pulled his boots off. "They're not half as beautiful as you are."
His voice was so low, Kiara wondered if he'd said it, or if she'd imagined it. She leaned against his bare back. His sharp intake of breath brought a smile to her face. She ran her hands down his arms, delighting in the sensation of his muscles bunching and relaxing under her hands as she laid her cheek against the bones of his spine.
He smelled of leather and man. A heady concoction that made her want to breathe him in forever.
Suddenly, all four lorinas hit the bed at once. The biggest one butted at Kiara, trying to separate her from Nykyrian.
Nykyrian mumbled a curse. "Pixley, down!"
Kiara stroked the smallest one behind the ears as it nuzzled her. "What are their names?"
Nykyrian was trying to regain control of them. "The one you're petting is Ilyse, Pixley is the biggest, Ulf is the one with the white patch and the other is Centara." He wrestled them out of the room, then locked the door. "And stay out, you little beasts."