CHAPTER 4
4 hours later
“Finally, it’s time.” Words come out of my mouth even before I open my eyes. I momentarily feel a headache, a clear result of trying to function normally too quickly, which soon passes and stiffness in my limbs. The shrill alarm tone that woke up me up from a ninety minutes nap is slowly becoming the nuisance it is supposed to be and I stop the alarm as soon as I open my eyes. Like always, a nervousness surrounds me as self-doubt crops up. The one time it didn’t appear was when I was experienced enough in the waterfall method and that was the time when I realized that I wasn’t scared of it anymore. It hadn’t brought on the rush like usual and I had been forced to improvise.
Right now, I can feel my heart beating quickly and I smile. Yes, this is going to work. There is the strange feeling that makes my limbs feel like jelly, trying to paralyse me but I don’t stop. Before I begin though, I check the complete set-up so that there aren’t any mistakes that can kill me. I check everything and sure, it was just how I left it hours ago. I pack all the stuff I spread out throughout the car so that they won’t be tossed around and, most likely, hurt me and throw it all in the trunk.
I can feel the anticipation. It calls me to do this right now. To have no hesitation. And there isn’t. I am fully confident of this. I am not going to back out. But I want to savour this moment. To fill myself up with this feeling of life within me. The doubt is still there in the back of my mind but it is easier to ignore now. I walk to the edge of the cliff and stare at the town of Witchbury Falls stare back at me, as if asking me ‘What are you going to do?’ It is waiting for a show and it will get one.
I feel like screaming something. What or why, I don’t know or care. But I feel like a scream would ruin this very moment. This spell that binds all these moments of anticipation would ruined by a scream. But I feel the lure of the moment for something big, something dramatic. And it brings an ear-to-ear grin on my face. And with a large exhale, I stare at the amazing view in front of me, storing it all in the memory. Witchbury Falls has never looked more beautiful. It may not be a large city but it is my home and I love it. In the distance, I can see something happening by the falls as there is some light there, illuminating the falling water as if it were sparkling gold.
Unwillingly, I turn and walk back into the car. Just as I step into the car, though, my phone rings and it breaks the spell that was filling the air a moment ago. I sigh and, without even looking at who’s calling, I bark into it, “What?” For a moment, there is silence on the other side before Kev responds with a subdued, “Hey”.
Releasing an annoyed breath, I ask Kev, trying to hide my annoyance but failing, “What happened Kev? I’m in the middle of something.”
He obviously gets my annoyance as his first words are, “You okay, Andy?” Before responding, I take a deep breath and remind myself that Kev is my friend and I shouldn’t really be angry at him. I wasn’t really doing anything and the moment can be rebuilt again later.
“Yeah, I’m cool. What happened?” I ask, pleased that my voice is now normal again. Though with the hesitation Kevin seems to be showing, ridiculous suspicion is growing within me.
“Nothing. Nothing happened. Why? Does something has to happen before I call?” He quickly responds after that moment of hesitation and I feel that he is being defensive. And then I realize something that fuels my suspicion even more. “Why is the background so quiet, Kev? I thought you were at Mindy’s party?”
There is no answer for a moment and I know his next words would be a lie. “I…I am, uh, outside! Yes, that’s it. I am outside. Knew I wouldn’t be able to hear you inside so I came out.” He responds and even if I didn’t knew he would lie, I would have immediately caught him lying. Firstly because of that exclamation that sounded like he was making it believe himself and second, because unless you went a block away, you would still be able to hear the party’s music while on the other side of the phone. Her parties were that loud.
“Kev, you know that you are a terrible liar right?” I speak and there is no response. For a moment, I wonder if he hung up on me and check the display to see that the call is still active. Knowing he won’t answer until he comes with a suitable lie (he won’t), I change the subject, “Would you at least tell me why you called?”
This time Kevin responds and although he doesn’t lie this time, I realize that he is hiding something immediately. “I, uh, was wondering where you were and why hadn’t you returned yet. You usually return from your ‘secret stuff’ by now and I was looking for you.” I wouldn’t have noticed if I was distracted, like in the start of the conversation, but right now, I catch the small change of voice when he speaks the words ‘secret stuff’. And my mind immediately goes to one thing.
“You are somewhere here, aren’t you?” I accuse as I look around, trying to find him in the distance. But as soon as I speak those words, I realize that accusation isn’t the only thing that is lacing those words, nervousness is too. And so I take a moment to control my emotions before angrily asking, “I swear Kev, tell me the truth where you are or I will hurt you badly.”
There is no mistaking the threat in my voice and I can even hear the word ‘I’ escape before Luke calls to him on the other side. “Hey Kev, what are you still at home for? I have been looking all around for you at the party. Come quickly now, there are lots of girls there and the entertainment will have you begging for mercy as you hold your stomach while laughing. His voice slurs and I believe him.
“Alright, Kev. That will act as my proof. Sorry bud but my secret stuff is secret for a reason. You should go to the party Kev.” I tell him before adding to lighten the mood, “But don’t try to make a move on my girl Kev. I won’t rescue you if she breaks that face of yours.” I laugh a little as I imagine her doing much worse than that.
“Yeah. She hits worse than you. Sometimes I wonder who the man in the relationship really is.” He jokes and I feel that I am forgiven for being so angry and suspicious. In the background, Luke says, “Is that Andy? Is he inviting you for the secret stuff? Man, I want to come to! Can I? Can I? Can I?”
I don’t know who told him so but acting like that does not get you what you want. Instead you just come out silly. Kev laughs before saying to him, “Shut up before the entire neighbourhood comes to hear us talk. No I am not invited… yet.” Then he says to me again, “Andy? I was just worried about you and why you hadn’t told about your secret stuff to even Kyl… I mean Kylie.” He quickly corrects himself, as if Kylie is watching, and glaring, at him from nearby. “Gonna go to the party and get so drunk that you will have to bring the revived car to pick us up.” Revived is what he calls this car since I practically brought it back from the dead. He also once told me that it is better than slipping up and confessing that it was the car he got and totalled.
“Okay buddy. Enjoy at Mindy’s but remember. Hands off Kylie! Aside from that, let your inner monster loose. Bye” I tell him before hanging up. And then I let out a deep sigh.
I almost blamed him for following me. Truth was, I was scared how they would react if they ever found out this truth about the secret stuff. Risking life for just a rush? They would never like that or stoop to something like this. And so when I felt like they had followed me, I was absolutely scared.
Feeling the moment was completely ruined, I get out of the car and walk around a little to calm myself down from the emotions which are simply fuelling my doubt. It takes a lot of time to regain my normal composure. A look at the clock tells me that it is past dinner-time now and Dad would already have gone to sleep. He knows me well enough to not to worry too much about me.
Trying to make the mood revive, I look at the scene in front of me but nothing happens. The mood is now gone far away and I momentarily consider abandoning this today. A sadness comes over me as I look back at the car, feeling exhausted now that the feeling of failure fills me. In this mood, I know I won’t be able to gain anything even if I try. But a part of me doesn’t want me to quit.
&nb
sp; And so, I pop my earphones in my ears and begin to listen to music. Nothing metal that might give me a headache, just some rock songs, to distract myself. And it is while hearing Jason Walker sing Echo that I feel the emotions arise inside me again. My mind begins to think of how I excitedly had planned this stuff. How excited I was to set all this up. How sweet all the wait was. How tempting the lure was. And slowly I feel it.
The heart rate increases slowly but steadily and by the end of the song, the anticipation is back. The mood is back and as one last scene, of minutes ago, of me looking out at Witchbury Falls returns, I know that the spell which was broken has now been recast. I switch my phone off to avoid any sort of interruption and take a deep breath.
Then I start the car and the feeling that comes over me at that moment is too strong to be properly expressed. It is just perfect. A mix of anticipation, fear, longing and doubt fills me as an adrenaline rush makes my body ready for ‘fight-or-flight’ mode. But there is no more running away now. No need for any fight. It is all taken care of. All that remains is to savour this fine moment of perfection and let it fill every inch of my being.
A part of me wonders what if something goes wrong. What if I get hurt?
But I have learnt to ignore these ‘what if’s now. All it takes is to believe (and ensuring beforehand) that nothing bad will happen.
And with this thought, I drive the car over the cliff.
Fear settles in as I now rely on the unknown. In this one moment when the zero gravity makes its presence noticeable, I think back to my question and the regret comes at me at a super-fast speed. The regret of not accepting that she knows what she wants and trust her enough to take that step forward.
I smile as this regret brings with itself a feeling of love for her. A love I know will never diminish and fade. A love that will shine inside me forever. And from within another thought surfaces, maybe she will cure my addiction too.
The relief, though, is short-lived because all my calm shatters when I hear Kylie’s pained voice scream, “ANDY!” And along with the emotions is one thought that I always feared.
I’m screwed.