“Are you alright, Hasani?” she asked softly, her green eyes filled with concern. I nodded and forced my hands to release their grips on the chair.
“Of course, my sweet. I am a warrior.”
She smirked, as she always did when I used that line. I usually did so only to bait her. But right now it was nice to see her smile. I would think on that, the vision of her smile, as I walked into battle tomorrow.
“What is it?” her eyes narrowed. She missed nothing. I inwardly chided myself for being transparent.
“It’s nothing, truly,” I assured her, stroking her back. “I’m simply anxious for this dinner to finish, my love. I am eager to be alone with you.”
Again, she relaxed. She knew that much was true, she likely felt the same. She eased once more against my chest and I felt her breaths slowing down, becoming soft and regular. She was so fragile. I worried once more about her future. She was to be my wife. And because we had not married yet, she would not even receive the benefits of being my widow.
I swallowed hard, as a large lump formed in my throat. I desperately wished that I had not allowed her to delay our marriage. We should have married long ago, but Charmian had wanted to focus on the queen. It was the custom, it was true, that the queen’s handmaid should remain unmarried. But I knew that Cleopatra would have granted Charmian permission. She loved Charmian as a sister. Everyone knew it.
Finally, I noticed Cleopatra rising from her golden chaise lounge, accompanied by Antony. She looked in our direction and then made her way to us. I carefully slid Charmian to the ground while I stood, but kept her tightly clutched to my side. Cleopatra and Antony stopped in front us and I bowed. The queen reached out a slender hand and stroked Charmian’s arm for a moment.
“Charmian, my love, I won’t be needing your services tonight. I will see you in the morning.” Cleopatra stared into Charmian’s eyes as though they were exchanging a silent message.
“Yes, my queen,” Charmian replied. “At morning’s light. Enjoy your evening.”
“I plan to,” Cleopatra answered, before nodding at me and taking Antony’s arm.
A relieved breath rushed through my lips. Charmian wouldn’t have to attend to the queen this evening, so we were free to retire immediately. That would give us a couple more hours to ourselves. I watched the queen and Antony retreat, making their way through the throngs of people toward the banquet hall doors.
The queen held herself ramrod straight, so regal and proud. Antony followed close behind, an ominous presence to anyone who might threaten Cleopatra’s safety. Tomorrow, he would only be able to do so much. He would fight the entire armies of Rome, after all. But that was tomorrow. Tonight, he was still a force to be reckoned with. Everyone in their path stopped their movement and their chattering to bow low to them both…in respect, in recognition, in honor.
I felt Charmian’s gaze before I saw it. Glancing down, I found her emerald eyes fixed upon mine.
“Are you ready to retire also, my lady?” I asked, while I reached down to run my thumb along her fragile collarbone. Everything about her was delicate and beautiful.
“Hmm, I don’t know,” she teased. “I had my heart set on watching the dancers a while longer.” She wrapped her thin arms around my waist and pulled me close as she made a show of watching the half-naked dancers that were undulating around us. I felt my heart begin skipping beats.
“I think not, my love,” I answered, finally finding my voice. “I find that I am quite tired and I have a big day tomorrow.”
Clouds passed over Charmian’s beautiful face and I instantly wished that I hadn’t made mention of the morrow. I knew she was worried and I never wanted to cause her pain.
“Okay, my warrior,” she answered weakly. I could see that she was trying to hide her distress and I mentally kicked myself for causing it. “We should retire so that you can rest.”
Wanting to cheer her, to make her forget the anxiety of tomorrow, I grinned as cockily as I could and answered, “Oh, I’ll rest. Eventually.”
That made her smile and warmth flooded through me.
The sight of her smile could always do me in. She grasped my hand lightly and led me through the throngs of people, out the elaborate carved doors and through the back hallways that led to her rooms. As we passed the guards that stood at the mouth of the hall that led to the royal family’s suites, they each nodded in deference to me. I nodded back. It was likely that they might die tomorrow, as well. I could see on their grave faces that they knew it.
Charmian pushed open the doors to her rooms and I barely gave her time to enter before I pushed her against the wall, kissing her gently and then with more vigor. Charmian kissed me back and pushed herself into me, her body warm and soft. I groaned into her mouth and scooped her into my arms, carrying her to the bed.
Collapsing into one heap, our hands seemed to be everywhere. Mine were on her legs, her back, her neck, her breasts… hers were on my chest, my back, my shoulders…everywhere. I kissed her again and watched her eyes close in reaction and love for her gave me pause. What I wouldn’t give to stay in this moment forever.
She opened her eyes, surprised at my stillness. She looked at me questioningly, her gaze full of curiosity, anxiety and despair, so I spoke.
“Charmian, I love you. More than life itself and I can’t wait until you are my wife. We are going to have an amazing life.”
My heart constricted at my own words. She would never be my wife. And my life would be over soon.
“Yes, my love,” she whispered.
She stared back at me, her soft lips parted just slightly. I could see that she questioned it. She questioned our safety, our future. And I didn’t want to take that from her tonight. I wanted her to be happy, just one more time.
So I did the only thing any red-blooded man would do in my position.
I lied.
“Charmian, there is such distress on your face. Are you worried about Octavian? I wish you would not. He will come, we will fight him and he will return to Rome with his tail tucked between his legs like the cur that he is.”
Charmian watched me speak and closed her eyes at my words. I rubbed her hand, then her arm, and finally she visibly swallowed and re-opened her eyes.
“Hasani, please….promise me that you will be safe tomorrow. Please be careful and don’t try to be a hero. If Antony surrenders, I want you to surrender with him. Please.”
There was such pain on her face and it made my chest constrict.
She knew. She knew I was in mortal danger. I paused for a beat, then two. I knew that my answer would weigh heavily here. It would make a difference. I swallowed hard and smiled as arrogantly as I could.
“What do you mean, Charmian? Antony will not surrender and neither will I. We are warriors.”
That much was the truth. We wouldn’t surrender.
The corner of Charmian’s mouth twitched.
“And warriors don’t surrender?” she guessed. I nodded.
“What about fear? Are you afraid, Hasani?”
I shook my head. “My love, why are you asking such questions? I am only eager to get this fight out of the way so that you and I can begin our lives. My only wish is to defeat Octavian quickly so that Egypt can once again exist in peace. I look forward to a time when I no longer have to fight.”
Such as in the afterlife, perhaps.
Charmian looked at me thoughtfully.
“So no fear, then?”
I stared her in the eye. “No fear, my love. Only acceptance. It must be done and I have trained for it my entire life. I look forward to seeing your beautiful face at the end of the day.”
Reaching out, I traced her cheekbone with my fingers. Her eyes welled up in tears and she folded into my arms. I pulled her to me and inhaled her sweet scent. She smelled of honeysuckle. She leaned on her tiptoes and kissed me, her lips soft and sweet. Our limbs tangled together and we didn’t speak anymore. Our bodies spoke for us.
Several hours later, I la
y quietly with Charmian draped over my chest. She thought I was asleep. I could tell because she was softly tracing the outline of my hand, my face, my chest. Her hands lightly flitted everywhere, as though she was memorizing what I looked like. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, to let her know that I was awake, because I didn’t want to have to lie to her again when I comforted her.
Instead, I memorized the feel of her hands on my body, her scent, the weight of her body upon mine.
Could I really walk away from her tomorrow? If I did, I would not be there when she needed me. I would be leaving her to fend for herself against the Roman dogs.
For once brief second, I thought of snatching her up and running away with her. It seemed like the only way I could truly keep her safe. But I knew she would never leave Cleopatra’s side. There was no way I could get her to leave this place. She would never betray the queen in such a way.
Just as I would never betray Antony’s trust. He was my commander and he was counting on me. Egypt was counting on me to fight my best fight.
I sighed raggedly, a sound that was loud in the night. The torches on the wall sconces flickered as they burned lower. Charmian had stilled in her movements. She buried her face into my neck and breathed deeply. I felt the wetness of her tears on my skin and I ached to stroke her back, but I did not. I wanted her to sleep. If she knew that I was awake, she would want to talk about tomorrow.
I waited while her breathing slowed once again.
Then waited more.
Finally, she was still. Her breathing was deep and shallow and I knew that she had slipped into sleep. I crept very quietly from the bed and paused at the doorway. She was still asleep, her face peaceful as she dreamed. I turned and walked into the hall and passed the guards. They didn’t question me as they’d seen me come and go a thousand times before.
I made my way down to the courtyard gardens so that I could think quietly and clearly in the fresh air. Only I quickly learned, as I passed the black onyx statues of Isis, Anubis and Ptah, that I was not alone.
Antony rested on his knees beside a small pool in the center of the court. His head rested on his hand and he was completely still. I had almost decided to turn and leave when he lifted his head and caught my eye.
“Ah, Hasani,” he sighed. “Faithful and true. How wondrous it is to have someone such as you fight by my side.”
“Antony,” I nodded, as I crossed the few feet remaining to stand by his side. “As always, you know it is an honor to be by your side.”
“Why are you out here?” Antony asked absently as he trailed one hand in the water, disturbing the lilies that floated on the water’s surface. “You are probably as I am…unable to sleep.”
“That is true,” I admitted. “I do not see the need. I will be eternally sleeping soon enough.”
Antony looked sharply up at me, his dark gaze glinting in the light of the moon.
“That is true, as well,” he answered wearily. “I fear that I have led you astray, soldier. You will die tomorrow, although knowing you as I do, it will be a good death.”
“I pray that it is,” I acknowledged. “I pray that it is.”
Antony shook his head. “You don’t know any other way than honorable,” he said quietly. “You may not be Roman, but you are more honorable than anyone I have met. That is the truth, general.”
“Thank you for your words, sir,” I answered.
It was quiet here in the gardens and our voices carried. I glanced up at the balconies that lined this side of the palace, the balconies that led to the rooms of both Cleopatra and Charmian. Both were darkened. They were still abed. We were not disturbing them with our conversation.
“Do you ever wish that you had chosen a different path?” Antony asked me. He was casually leaning against the stone, but his words weren’t casual at all. He was a man trying to reconcile himself with his choices. I understood that. I was doing the same.
“No,” I answered truthfully. “I am happy here in Alexandria. This is my home, Charmian is here. I am nothing without her or Egypt. I could have left you, sir. I could have left Egypt long ago and avoided this impasse where we are now. But I would not have liked myself. It would have cost me my honor and without that, I am not a man at all.”
“True words,”Antony agreed. “And here in the dark, there is no general and commander. We are friends. Do not call me sir here. Not tonight.”
I nodded.
“I will fight with you to the death, Antony. Until I draw no more breath. It will be an honor. I can think of no one else I would rather die with.”
“We will die with honor,” Antony nodded. “I will have it no other way.”
We fell silent and I listened to the bushes rustling in the breeze, the flowers that tossed their heavy exotic scents into the wind. A few minutes later, Antony broke the silence.
“I will not surrender,” he told me quietly. “I will die as a Roman. Do you understand what I am saying? I would rather live as a hero in the afterlife than stay alive as a mortal as Octavian’s prisoner.”
I nodded. “Understood.” He would rather fall on his own sword before he would allow them to take him alive.
“It’s been an honor fighting with you all of these years,” he told me, slapping me on the shoulder.
“The honor has been mine,” I replied.
“Now, what are we doing down here?” Antony asked, his tone changing from one of melancholy to one of almost jest. “We have women to bed. Again.”
He laughed, the sound carrying far outside of the gardens. He stood and turned and walked for the palace.
“I’ll meet you here in at dawn,” he called over his shoulder.
“I’ll be here,” I replied quietly.
And I would be. I might have played with the idea of snatching Charmian up and running as far as we could; far, far, from here, but I knew that I could never do that. Being a soldier was in my blood. My father had served the Ptolemies, and his father before him and his father before him. It was who I was and my family had always done it with honor. Dying would not change that.
The horizon was just beginning to turn purple as the sun crept toward it and I knew my time was limited. I turned and walked quickly back toward the palace, back to where Charmian was sleeping.
I made one quick stop, in the bedchambers of Iras, Cleoaptra’s second handmaid. She startled when I approached the bed, but she recognized me quickly enough and sat up in confusion.
“General,” she stuttered. “What are you doing here?”
“Iras, I need your promise,” I said firmly, holding her gaze.
“Anything,” she replied.
“After the battle tomorrow, if you hear news that I have fallen, send Charmian to my mother, outside of the city. Tell her to make haste and not to stop for anyone.”
Iras looked at me in confusion. “Shouldn’t you give her these instructions yourself?” She looked at me for a moment and the sighed. “Ah, I see. You do not wish to trouble her. You don’t think she knows that Egypt will fall. I am certain that she knows, General. All of us know.”
“Be that as it may,” I answered. “I do not wish to speak of it before battle. It will bring bad fortune to my soldiers. Please, just give Charmian those instructions. And tell her that I love her.”
“Of course,” Iras answered. I turned and made my way toward the hall. I was fairly certain that I heard Iras weeping as I closed the door behind me.
I crept back into Charmian’s bedchambers and sat on the side of the bed for the longest time, simply watching her sleep. She was exquisite in her beauty, but she was so much more than that. Her spirit was beautiful and strong. I’d never met another woman like her. I gulped hard and tried to steel my heart against what I knew I had to do. I would have to be satisfied in the knowledge that I would love her for as many hours as I had left. And then I would love her for all of eternity in the afterlife.
I don’t know how long I sat watching her. Minutes, maybe an hour.
Finally, as the orange fingers of the sunrise had barely begun to break apart the horizon, I rose from the bed and began readying myself for battle. Within minutes, Charmian woke and rose to help me.
She walked behind me to fasten my golden chestplate and pull my hair into a band at my neck. She leaned into my neck and kissed it, then curled herself around my body and kissed my lips. I trembled from the need to stay here with her, to hold her and keep her safe. I had never wanted anything more in my life. Leaving her went against everything that I knew to be good and true. But I was obligated to protect Egypt. It was what I had been born to do.
I finally broke away from Charmian.
“Charmian, my love. Do not fear. I will be safe. I love you.”
And I did. More than life itself.
Charmian stood on her tiptoes and kissed me with what I knew would be our last kiss. Her breath was sweet, her lips were warm and I memorized everything about this moment. It would sustain me later, when this day had turned bloody.
Charmian cupped my face with her hands and whispered, “I love you too, Hasani. Be safe today, my warrior.”
I nodded. And before I could change my mind, I turned as quickly as I could and walked for the door. In the doorway, though, I couldn’t help myself. I turned to look at her one last time.
She was so delicate and beautiful, like a flower. So fragile, yet so strong. One tear slipped from her eye and down her cheek and she smiled at me through her pain. Her breath was ragged and so was mine. I had to leave before I could no longer do it.
I smiled at her. And then I walked away.
As I walked the lengths of the opulent palace halls and wound my way to the ground floor, I hardened my heart toward what I would do today. It was the warrior’s way. If we did not harden ourselves, we would go insane. I would kill people today. There would be blood on my hands, the blood of soldiers just like me who simply fought for another cause. It was the way of a warrior.
As I entered the courtyard, I could see the ships congregating in the bay beneath the palace, their sails white in the sky. Rome had descended upon us. Antony waited for me once more, standing still and strong beside