LETTER XXVIII
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE SAT. AFTERNOON.
I detain your messenger while I write an answer to yours; the poor oldman not being very well.
You dishearten me a good deal about Mr. Lovelace. I may be too willingfrom my sad circumstances to think the best of him. If his pretencesto reformation are but pretences, what must be his intent? But can theheart of man be so very vile? Can he, dare he, mock the Almighty? ButI may not, from one very sad reflection, think better of him; that I amthrown too much into his power, to make it necessary for him (excepthe were to intend the very utmost villany by me) to be such a shockinghypocrite? He must, at least be in earnest at the time he gives thebetter hopes. Surely he must. You yourself must join with me in thishope, or you could not wish me to be so dreadfully yoked.
But after all, I had rather, much rather, be independent of him, and ofhis family, although I have an high opinion of them; at least till I seewhat my own may be brought to.--Otherwise, I think, it were best for me,at once, to cast myself into Lady Betty's protection. All would then beconducted with decency, and perhaps many mortifications would be sparedme. But then I must be his, at all adventures, and be thought to defy myown family. And shall I not first see the issue of one application? Andyet I cannot make this, till I am settled somewhere, and at a distancefrom him.
Mrs. Sorlings shewed me a letter this morning, which she had receivedfrom her sister Greme last night; in which Mrs. Greme (hoping I wouldforgive her forward zeal if her sister thinks fit to shew her letter tome) 'wishes (and that for all the noble family's sake, and she hopes shemay say for my own) that I will be pleased to yield to make his honour,as she calls him, happy.' She grounds her officiousness, as she callsit, upon what he was so condescending [her word also] to say to heryesterday, in his way to Windsor, on her presuming to ask, if she mightsoon give him joy? 'That no man ever loved a woman as he loves me: thatno woman ever so well deserved to be beloved: that he loves me with sucha purity as he had never believed himself capable of, or that a mortalcreature could have inspired him with; looking upon me as all soul; asan angel sent down to save his;' and a great deal more of this sort:'but that he apprehends my consent to make him happy is at a greaterdistance than he wishes; and complained of too severe restrictions Ihad laid upon him before I honoured him with my confidence: whichrestrictions must be as sacred to him, as if they were parts of themarriage contract,' &c.
What, my dear, shall I say to this? How shall I take it? Mrs. Greme isa good woman. Mrs. Sorlings is a good woman. And this letter agrees withthe conversation between Mr. Lovelace and me, which I thought, andstill think, so agreeable.* Yet what means the man by foregoing theopportunities he has had to declare himself?--What mean his complaintsof my restrictions to Mrs. Greme? He is not a bashful man.--But you say,I inspire people with an awe of me.--An awe, my dear!--As how?
* This letter Mrs. Greme (with no bad design on her part) was put uponwriting by Mr. Lovelace himself, as will be seen in Letter XXXV.
I am quite petulant, fretful, and peevish, with myself, at times, tofind that I am bound to see the workings of the subtle, or this giddyspirit, which shall I call it?
How am I punished, as I frequently think, for my vanity, in hoping tobe an example to young persons of my sex! Let me be but a warning, and Iwill now be contented. For, be my destiny what it may, I shall neverbe able to hold up my head again among my best friends and worthiestcompanions.
It is one of the cruelest circumstances that attends the faults of theinconsiderate, that she makes all who love her unhappy, and gives joyonly to her own enemies, and to the enemies of her family.
What an useful lesson would this afford, were it properly inculcated atthe time that the tempted mind was balancing upon a doubtful adventure?
You know not, my dear, the worth of a virtuous man; and, noble-minded asyou are in most particulars, you partake of the common weakness of humannature, in being apt to slight what is in your own power.
You would not think of using Mr. Lovelace, were he your suitor, as youdo the much worthier Mr. Hickman--would you?--You know who says inmy mother's case, 'Much will bear, much shall bear, all the worldthrough.'* Mr. Hickman, I fancy, would be glad to know the lady's name,who made such an observation. He would think it hardly possible, butsuch a one should benefit by her own remark; and would be apt to wishhis Miss Howe acquainted with her.
* See Vol.I. Letter X.
Gentleness of heart, surely, is not despicable in a man. Why, if it be,is the highest distinction a man can arrive at, that of a gentleman?--Adistinction which a prince may not deserve. For manners, more thanbirth, fortune, or title, are requisite in this character. Manners areindeed the essence of it. And shall it be generally said, and Miss Howenot be an exception to it (as you once wrote), that our sex are bestdealt with by boisterous and unruly spirits?*
* See Vol.II. Letter III.
Forgive me, my dear, and love me as you used to do. For although myfortunes are changed, my heart is not: Nor ever will, while it bids mypen tell you, that it must cease to bear, when it is not as much yoursas
Your CL. HARLOWE.