And then she found out she was pregnant.
She traced circles in the dirt with her tennis shoe as she swayed back and forth on the swing. A shadow fell over her, and she heard someone sit in the swing next to her. “Nice day,” Simon said in a nonchalant voice.
She turned her head up to see him staring ahead, watching the children play. “Did A.J. send you?” she asked with a sigh.
“No. The bonehead does feel bad though.”
She smiled involuntarily.
“Now that’s better. I haven’t seen you smile in awhile.”
She expelled her breath in a long sigh, her cheeks puffing out. “I’m not ready for this, Simon.”
“Maybe not, but you’ll be a wonderful mom.”
“It’s not just that.”
“What is it then?”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.” She struggled against the urge to cry. “I was supposed to find the perfect guy. Someone who was madly in love with me. We were to be married, then have children. We’d go to the appointments together. Get excited over the sonogram. Pick out baby furniture. Buy the perfect house.”
She turned to look at him. “That’s all gone now. Who’s going to want to marry someone with a baby? I couldn’t get a date before. I sure as hell won’t get one now.”
He looked stunned by her outburst. She looked away again. “It all sounds horribly selfish I know. I shouldn’t be so self-absorbed now that there is a baby to consider, but I can’t get over the resentment. And more than that, I can’t get over being so angry at myself for screwing up everything I ever dreamed about.”
“I had no idea you felt that way,” he murmured. “I guess I never thought about you getting married and having kids. I always imagined you living in the same house with us and things never changing.”
“Surely you weren’t thinking that when you were dating Starla. I mean you wanted to marry her, didn’t you?”
“No, I mean yes.” He looked sheepish. “It’s going to sound bad.”
She cocked her head. “What?”
“I figured I’d move out, marry Starla, but that you guys would always be there for me to go back to, you know football games, weekend cook outs. God that makes me sound like an ass.”
She laughed. “No it doesn’t. I don’t like the idea of things changing either.” Her smiled faded. “But they will.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Glad I didn’t marry Starla though,” he said with a wink.
“Me too,” she whispered. If he only knew how relieved she was.
He reached out and took her hand, rubbing his thumb over her fingers. “It will get better, sweetheart. I’m sorry you’re down right now. I can’t imagine the uncertainty you must be feeling, but you aren’t alone. Anytime you need to talk, day or night, or need a hug, I’m here, and I know Matt and A.J. feel the same.”
Her heart constricted, and she bit her lip to keep from crying. Damn but she was a weepy mess lately. She’d never cried so much in her life. But damn it, she didn’t want a hug. Not that she’d turn down any opportunity to be in his arms, but she wanted more. She wanted him to need her every bit as much as she needed him.
Simon wiped a tear from the corner of her eye with his thumb. “You want to take a walk? Or would you prefer to go back home?”
“Nothing exciting, but I think I’ll head home and take a long nap. I’m tired. Tired of thinking.” She smiled half-heartedly at him and slipped out of the swing. “I’ll see you at home.”
Simon watched as she trudged away. A.J. was right, she was beautiful. And not just on the outside. She had a beautiful heart. It made him ache to think of her hurting.
Honestly, he’d never given thought to pursuing anything more than a friendship with her. The mere thought scared the hell out of him. He frowned and rose from the swing. It wasn’t as easy as asking her out. She was pregnant.
Running a hand through his hair, he strode back to his truck and slid into the seat. The annoying repetitive beeping of the open door
encroached on his thoughts. He swung the door closed and rested his hands on the steering wheel.
He hated the idea of her dreams being dashed. Listening to her forlornly state the things she’d wanted twisted his gut. Perfect life, perfect house, husband who loved her.
He couldn’t give her all that, could he? And more importantly would she want him to?
Painful memories of Starla’s betrayal weighed on him. He’d been ready to commit. Take the plunge. He’d even bought a ring.
Finding her in bed with another man had given him an overdose of reality. One he hadn’t relished. But it had given him a lot to think about. About the kind of woman he saw himself spending the rest of his life with.
Fact was, Toni embodied a whole lot of those traits. But he wasn’t willing to risk a friendship that was extremely important to him. If it didn’t work out, things may never be the same between them again, and that wasn’t something he could stomach. Losing her was not an option.
The best thing he could do was remain a steady source of support. It could be dangerous to reach higher.
Chapter Five
“Do you miss Mom and Dad?” Toni asked Matt across the kitchen bar before she downed a prenatal vitamin with a glass of water.
He looked startled by the question, but his eyes saddened just a bit. He put down the mail he’d been sorting through. “Yeah, all the time.”
“I really miss Mom right now.”
“I bet you do,” he said sympathetically.
“She always knew exactly what to do, and gave the greatest advice.”
They grew silent for a long moment. “I miss her too,” Matt said finally.
Toni set her glass in the sink and busied herself putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. Talk of her mother only brought home how blindly she was going into parenthood. Her mother wouldn’t be here to guide her and offer support.
As if sensing her thoughts, Matt stood up and walked over to her, closing his hands over her shoulders. “You’re not alone, Toni. I know I can’t replace mom, but you can count on me for anything.”
She turned and smiled, slipping her arms around him in a big bear hug. “And to think you used to torment me as a kid.”
He laughed. “I guess I did. That is until Simon threatened to pound me if I didn’t leave you alone.”
“Yeah he did, didn’t he,” she murmured. She drew away and resumed unloading the dishwasher.
“Speaking of Simon, how was the appointment? He go with you?”
“Yeah, it was great. We heard the heartbeat. Doc thinks I’m about twelve weeks along. Gave me a March due date.”
“You feeling better about it then?”
“I think so,” she replied. And she did for the most part. She had spent the past few weeks numb to the reality that she was pregnant. But hearing the heartbeat today had brought home the fact she was carrying a tiny life inside her.
And already her jeans were too snug. She’d taken to wearing loose fitting slacks and sweatpants, but soon she’d have to buy maternity clothes.
“Oh, before I forget,” Matt said, snapping his fingers. “Mike called for you awhile ago. I told him to call back this afternoon.”
She frowned and leaned back against the sink. “What did he want?” The only Mike she knew was the Mike who worked for the fire department with Matt, A.J. and Simon.
“Dunno. He said he’d call back.”