He gave her a wounded look.
Matt ignored A.J.’s question and the joking between Toni and A.J.
Toni and A.J. exchanged curious glances. “I’m hitting the shower,” A.J. said, and Toni knew he was leaving so she and Matt could be alone.
“So what’s up with you and Stephanie?” she asked when A.J. ambled off.
“Uh, nothing major. Just taking some time to think about things,” he said vaguely.
“I thought maybe she was the one. You guys seemed perfect for each other.”
Matt shifted uncomfortably on the barstool and glanced away for a moment. “Well, the thing is, I think she might be the one too.”
Toni leaned forward, excitement building within her. “But, Matt, that’s great!”
He leveled a hard stare at her. “Think about it, Toni. If I asked her to marry me, everything would change. Everything.”
She didn’t try and hide her confusion. “I don’t understand.”
He sighed and shoved his cereal bowl away from him. “The thing is, I’ve been thinking hard about asking her to marry me. I really love her,” he added softly.
“So what’s the but?”
“But…there’s the little issue of living arrangements. Either Stephanie and I buy a house, which neither of us can afford right now, or we make Simon and A.J. find another place to live so we can live here.”
“And I would still be a third wheel,” she said, comprehension dawning.
“No,” he said emphatically. “This is your house and there is no way I’d have you move out. Especially not with you pregnant.”
“I really screwed up didn’t I,” she whispered. “And not just for me. But I’m screwing it up for you too.”
“Damn it, Toni. This is why I didn’t want to say anything.” He reached across the bar and grasped her hand. “Look at me.”
She stared back at him, utter seriousness reflected in his brown eyes.
“There are a lot of factors involved here. One, you need me. And,” he said effectively cutting off her forthcoming protest, “I like the setup we have here. I’m not sure I’m ready to give that up.”
Toni thought back to the conversation she’d had with Simon in the park. Much of their talk had surrounded the same thing Matt has just said. No one wanted to give up the current situation.
And if she were honest, she knew she had no desire to see her brother married and moved off or the four of them separated and no longer roommates. But things had to change. They always did. And nothing lasts forever.
She sounded like a whole book of trite clichés.
She cleared her throat. “I don’t know what to say, Matt. But sooner or later things will change. You guys will eventually want to settle down, and that means we won’t always live together. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still hang out together. Get together on the weekends.”
“I know all of that,” Matt said. “I just can’t fathom being the one to mess up everything. It would be different if Simon had married Starla or A.J. decided to get married, God forbid.”
Toni laughed at the image of A.J. getting married.
“I always imagined being the last one to get hitched. I figured you’d get married and move out and then the other guys would move out and when I got married, we’d live here. But I can’t push everyone out, and I’m damn sure not leaving you when you need me the most.”
Tears gathered in Toni’s eyes, and she hastily brushed them away. It had never occurred to her how dedicated everyone was to keeping the arrangement that had suited them for years. The idea of change was
abhorrent to them all, and each one was fighting against the idea. She’d done her share of cringing at the thought.
But for the first time, she allowed herself to think of just how affected they would be by her pregnancy. And aside from the fact Simon had to be told about his impending fatherhood, the situation was impossible. If she stayed, they would all feel a responsibility to both her and her baby.
She knew them well enough to know they would shove aside their own wants if they thought she needed them. She would do the same for them. It’s just the way it had always been. But it didn’t have to be.
And how would it affect the baby if after living with three father figures, one or all of them married and moved away? It could be potentially devastating. It would be far better if she moved and released them from any obligation they felt for her.
She’d let them talk her out of moving in the beginning, but even then, she knew it had been the best idea. She’d allowed her sadness over the idea of losing them to sway her when it would have been in their best interest if she had moved. Would Simon be back with Starla even now if he weren’t worried about her?
The thought sickened her. As much as she loved him, she did not want to be seen as a hindrance to his happiness. And now Matt was ready to settle down and get married, but his concern for her kept him from moving forward.
“I don’t like your expression,” Matt said with a frown. “I wish I hadn’t said anything.”
“I’m glad you did,” she said softly. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. A veritable wake up call.”
His frown deepened.
“I think it would be best if I did go ahead and move out.”
Matt surged up from his seat, his eyes blazing. “Damn it, Toni. That is not why I brought the subject up. There is no way, no way, I’m going to let you move out right now. And certainly not because you think I would benefit. This is your house. Your home. It’s where you grew up. You and your child deserve a home, not a shoddy apartment or trailer somewhere.”
“Sit down, Matt,” she said gently.
He stared at her for a long moment then slowly sank back onto the stool.
“Think about it for a minute. As long as I’m living here with you guys you’re all going to put off your own wants and needs because you think I’m still a little girl you have to protect and take care of.”
“But—”
“Let me finish,” she said putting her hand out. “It will only get worse when the baby is born. I don’t want any of you to sacrifice your happiness for me. I can’t stand the thought of it. For everyone’s sake, including mine, I need to find a place for me and the baby to live. Then we’ll all feel free to make decisions regarding our futures without worry.”
He shook his head adamantly. “What if something happened to you while you were pregnant?”
“It’s not like I wouldn’t have a phone,” she said dryly.
“I don’t want you to move,” he said simply.
“I think it might just be time to step out from under yours and Simon’s and A.J.’s protective arms. I’ve stayed because I’ve been comfortable, but I’ve never given thought to the sacrifices you’ve made for me.”
“It’s been no sacrifice,” he said fiercely. “You’ve taken care of us far more than we’ve ever taken care of you.”
She chuckled. “That might just be true, but maybe it’s time for that to change. I have a baby to take care of now.” Her mind began to work again. There had to be a solution. “What if I stayed until the baby is born and then moved? It would give everyone the time to get used to the idea, and it would give me the time to save up some money.”
“But is that what you want?” he asked, studying her intently. “Because if you’re doing it because you think it would be best for us, forget it. You and the baby are more important right now.”
“I won’t lie and say I won’t miss you all terribly. But I’ll visit. Okay, I’ll visit a lot.” She grinned slightly. “And hopefully you guys will visit me.” And maybe, just maybe, if things went the way they were supposed to, Matt and Stephanie wouldn’t be the only ones to get together.
But she couldn’t think of her and Simon right now. Matt obviously wanted to make a commitment to Stephanie, and she didn’t want to keep her brother from his happiness.
“If you move, I’ll buy out your half of the house,” he said.