Chapter Twenty Seven
The next morning, Rico walked into his office to find a corporate communication memo sitting on his desk chair. Rico picked the flier up hesitantly. Historically these communications meant less pay, and or more hassle, and were dropped late at night when confrontation between upper management and the staff was least likely to occur. As predicted, the flier announced G.O.D.’s pride in the implementation of two new programs.
The first program was a change to improve the patient experience and empower the patients with their healthcare: G.O.D. Helps Those Who Help Themselves. The thinly veiled and cryptic description formalized Doug’s plans to outsource quality control, and make patients responsible that the medication they received was, in fact, what was prescribed by their doctors.
The second half of the flier dealt with an internal program to reduce worker stress by decreasing vacation days: Spend More Time with G.O.D. According to the human resources department unused vacations, and planning time off from work, were a major cause of employee stress. In an effort to reduce anxiety in their employee’s lives, Doug and company elected to cut the staff’s paid time off by fifty percent. An asterisked footnote indicated that the change in vacation policy would not result in any additional pay or sick days.
As he threw the flier into the trash, Rico’s phone rang. “This is Rico.”
“Rico, its Nels. You got time to go through the sales reports?” As Rico had promised Nels, the sure fire, one hundred percent guaranteed, money making business proposition was paying off.
“Sure, come on down.”
Nels sat across from Rico and opened the binder that contained the receipts from their secret business. Suddenly, a rebellious mob formed outside Rico’s door chanting, “No cuts! No cuts!” The unruly crowd held the corporate flier, announcing the cuts in paid time off, before them. Historically Nels would have led the protest, but, with the secret business doing as well as it was, he didn’t want anything screwing up his plans to drain his trust. With that motivation, he stood and impulsively addressed the crowd, “What are the two things you want more than anything?”
“Money and time off,” yelled the unruly mob in disjointed anger, thrusting their protest signs up and down. Nels recognized a lot of the signs from previous rallies he’d led against management. His favorite was the Banksy rip-off: I’m Just Here for the Violence.
Nels wasn’t intimidated. “No. You’ll waste the money, and vacation is a proven cause of stress.” He waved his hands dismissively at the thought they knew what they wanted. He’d led dozens of these marches and rarely knew what he wanted. Mostly he just liked to march and toss computers out of windows.
“Then what do we want?” the mob demanded.
“You want to get high, and you want to get laid. We all do. It’s the fabric of our being.” Pausing for maximum effect, he continued, “In lieu of vacation time I formally announce the Stoners & Boners incentive plan.” He clapped at his declaration, and the crowd responded wildly, nodding in approval and cheering for this out of the box thinker as they anxiously awaited details on the enticingly named plan.
Nels went on, “The top performers can use Rico’s van to make love or get a buzz on while they’re at work. Think about it.” Then slowly, jabbing the air for emphasis, he restated his announcement, “The Man is paying you to get laid and get high. That’s an incentive plan. Huh? Who isn’t willing to trade a few vacation days for Stoners & Boners?”
The crowd cheered in support of Nels impromptu program. Several began to chant, “G.O.D. is great! G.O.D. is great!”
At the mention of his van, Rico rushed from his chair. He had been caught off guard by Nels spontaneous speech and the role his van played in it. Pushing Nels to the side Rico addressed the crowd, and modified the program, “In trying times one must remain principled. Standards people, we need standards. I want to dedicate the four twenty conference room and not my van.” The crowd cheered and ran back to their cubicles, all hoping to be the day’s top performer.
With the crowd departed Nels and Rico returned to reviewing their business’ monthly sales, and updating its general ledger. They were shocked to see how much money they were making. “Hot damn!” they sang out when they tallied the sales through the seventeenth of the month, “two hundred and eighty three thousand dollars!”
Updates to the ledger completed, Nels quickly gathered up the receipts as the proof of income his parents demanded. As he was about to leave the office he turned and looked at Rico, “We are really doing God’s work here.”
Rico couldn’t have agreed more.