They weren’t quite living
They weren’t quite dead.
Their faces were ghostly
With worms in their hair;
As their groaning and grating
Filled the night air.
“W-w-why are you smiling?”
I stammered with fright;
As the dead came to life
On this warm July night.
“Don’t worry,” said Johnny
As he held out his arm.
“They’re totally harmless;
No need for alarm.”
“Then why are they trying
To chew on my brain?”
He heard as I shouted
He heard me exclaim.
“It won’t hurt a second,”
My ex-boyfriend said.
“And then we’ll both be
The living dead!”
“But you’re not a zombie,”
I said with a frown.
“I’ve seen you eat cookies!
I’ve seen you get… down!”
He chuckled so dryly
It gave me a chill;
As the smell from the zombies
Made me quite ill.
My boyfriend just stood there
And wiped off his face;
And under white makeup
I saw his disgrace.
His skin was quite ashen
His face it was gray;
As from his cold hands
He washed his makeup away.
“I’ve been an imposter,”
He said, full of glee.
“These zombies you’re afraid of
They’re much more like… me.”
He lurched at me boldly
As I ran away;
Grabbing his backpack
As I made my big play.
Now it all made sense
Now it was clear;
Why my dead bloody boyfriend
Had first brought me here.
It wasn’t to make-out
It wasn’t to mack;
He’d almost set me up
For a zombie attack!!
The zombies were closing
How quickly they ran;
As I dodged past a grave stone
And bent to my plan.
The bottle rockets sizzled
At the end of my lighter;
As I fired at those zombies
And became quite a fighter.
They firecrackers boomed
The bottle rockets hissed;
And as their bodies caught fire
Man, were they pissed!!!
They burned just like timber
Those living undead;
As their hair turned to ashes
And their skin turned quite red.
My boyfriend did howl
As the rockets they blared;
His eyes were wide open
He looked more than scared.
“I thought that you loved me,”
He croaked his last breath;
As the cherry bomb in his mouth
Sent him straight back to death!
I strode from the graveyard
Alone and quite single;
As with the holiday crowds
I started to mingle.
They’d heard not a whizz
Or a snap or a boom;
As I wiped out the zombies
And saved them from doom!
And all through the fireworks
I “ooohed” and I “aaahed”;
To think that my boyfriend
Had been such a… fraud.
And as I walked home
From that long, fateful night;
I shook with much fury
I trembled with fright.
I just couldn’t get it
No, nothing could calm me;
To think that I’d dated
A living dead... zombie!
* * * * *
Zombies Don’t Trick or Treat
The zombies were out
For a fun, festive night;
They were goblins and ghouls
And witches in sight.
Over there was a demon
His legs warm as toast;
Down that street’s a pumpkin
Down that one’s a ghost.
No, it wasn’t Armageddon
Or a monster’s pot luck;
It was the one mortal night
That didn’t quite… suck!
That’s right, little ghosties
It was… Halloween;
The creepiest, crawliest
Living dead scene!
Poor Chester was frightened
He was new to this town;
And ever since dying
Poor Chester’d been down.
He wasn’t quite used
To being undead;
If he had his way
He’d be living… instead.
His friends liked being zombies
They found it quite cool;
But all Chester felt
Was like one giant fool!
He hated his hairdo
He hated his skin;
He hated the fact
That he could no longer grin.
His legs they were stiff
His arms were quite chilly;
And stumbling around
Just made Chester feel… silly.
Tonight might be different
Poor Chester agreed;
As he watched other kids
Look as foolish as he.
For each one looked goofy
For each one looked grim;
For each one looked not
Quite much better than… him!
“But where are they going?”
He asked of a bud;
Who looked at him like
He had the IQ of a spud.
“They’re all trick or treating,”
Was the answer he gave;
“Or have you forgotten,
Since you rose from the grave?”
“I seem to recall,”
Little Chester did say;
“Of begging for candy
On Halloween day.”
“Let’s give it a try,”
His buddy made it sound like a cinch;
“Chocolate’s not as good as brains
But it’ll do in a pinch.”
Chester shrugged
And followed his friend;
As they shuffled and groaned
Up the long driveway’s end.
The lawn was festooned
With orange and black;
The setting quite ripe
For a zombie attack!
The young man who stood
At his cozy front door;
Thought the zombies on his porch
Wore costumes; nothing more.
He smiled,
They shuffled;
He sniffed
And he snuffled.
“I quite love your costumes,”
He said with a smile.
“But your breath I smelled coming
For more than a mile!”
When the man tried to offer
A bowl full of candy;
All Chester could smell
Was his brain oh-so-dandy.
He reached for the bowl
But dropped it instead;
And as the man bent to catch it
Clamped onto his head.
“But why?” asked the man
Squealing in pain;
“Why bother with candy,” Chester said
“When my treat is… your brain!”
* * * * *
Zombies Don’t Gobble
The table was set
The candles aglow;
When at the front door
Three zombies did show.
“Who could that be knocking?”
Poor Mother did pout.
“Probably Mindy’s boyfriend,”
&n
bsp; My Father did shout.
“I’ll see who it is,”
I said to them all.
As I skittered and shimmied
To see who did call.
The door it did open
My heart it did shudder;
My legs felt just like
A bowl of whipped butter.
“Brains!” said one zombie
“Your Brains!” said another;
“It’s turkey or nothing,”
Blared my big, nosy mother.
I held my breath tight
As they studied my skull;
Then each rolled an eye
To find it… quite dull.
I felt almost rejected
As they brushed me aside;
And toward our Thanksgiving table
Each zombie did stride.
The zombies they shuffled
Straight up to the bird;
They left quite a smell
Like a three-week old turd!
They reached out their hands
To tear off a leg;
Mom said, “Sit down you three;
And don’t make me beg!”
I figured they’d tear her
One limb from another;
But those zombies seemed –
Quite scared of… my mother!
In no time they listened
In no time they sat;
And wore napkins in their collars
In two seconds flat!
My family sat watching
The zombies devour;
A 20-pound turkey
In less than an hour.
They gnawed on the wishbone
And guzzled down gravy;
Their behavior was almost
Well… downright… behave-y!
Mom smiled and cheered
As they refilled each plate;
It didn’t seem to bother her
That none of us ate.
And when there was nothing
To swallow or chew;
The zombies looked happy
Or at least far less… eeeewwwww!
My family sat frozen
Quite glued to our seats;
Until Zombie One burped
And sputtered, “Good eats!”
They rose without speaking
As we covered our brains;
They turned and shuffled out
Leaving only grease stains.
I stood at the door
To see where they’d gone;
And watched three stuffed zombies
Shuffle down our front lawn.
“It sure looks to me,”
I said with a tweet.
“Like they’re going away;
Like they’re crossing the street!”
“Now that they’re gone,”
Mom said with a grin.
“Our real Thanksgiving dinner
Can finally begin!”
Dad helped clear the table
Sis set it again;
As I asked Mom about
Her backup turkey plan.
“Why everyone knows,”
She grinned from ear to ear;
“To cook a second Thanksgiving dinner
When zombies are near!”
* * * * *
Zombies Don’t Jingle
We caroled on Elm Street
We caroled on Oak;
Yes, I’d have to say
We were caroling folk!
We sang ‘til our voices
Were scratchy and sore;
Then swallowed a cough drop
And sang 10 songs more!
The snow felt so chilly
On our bright, singing faces;
As we shuffled around
In brightly lit spaces.
The houses were decked out
So merry and gay;
As we caroled and sang
All night and all day.
Our noses were frosty
As we rounded Pine Street;
Struggling to stand
On our achy, sore feet.
“One more then we’re finished,”
Pastor Carol did boast.
“Then it’s back to the rec hall
Where it’s warm as fresh toast!”
We started to sing
That old Silent Night;
When the door burst wide open
And gave us a fright!
Three zombies came stumbling
Out the Harrington’s door;
Dripping our neighbor’s blood
All over the floor.
Those zombies they saw us
And gave quite a start;
And the smell that came off them
Was worse than… a fart!
It reeked quite of death
Of rot and decay;
Not things one should smell
On a bright Christmas Day!
Their teeth were quite yellow
Their eyes were pure red;
And the gray of their skin
Made it clear they were… undead.
I wanted to bolt
I wanted to run;
But the zombies were hungry
For some holiday fun.
I turned to find seven
Shuffling up to my back;
And six more stumbled over
To wage their attack.
Our church group was surrounded
Our future quite grim;
Until I croaked out a suggestion
To good Pastor Jim.
“The end is quite certain,”
I said with a frown;
“But I’d like one more carol
Before we go down!”
The zombies were inching
Getting ready for a fight;
When our voices sang steady
Of that first… Silent Night.
We sang to the rooftops
We sang to the rafter;
Not caring a whit
For what might happen… after.
I waited each minute
For a crunch or a bite;
For the gnawing to start
On this non-Silent night.
But the zombies stood still
And drooled on their feet;
As our singing and caroling
To them was... quite sweet.
The song it did end
And the zombies all clapped;
Sue Briggs tried to run –
In no time she was trapped.
Before we could sing
Before we could try;
They ripped her to pieces
And sucked her bones dry.
We all stood there trembling
As they wallowed in gore;
Until I haltingly suggested
That we best sing… one more!
With each Christmas carol
The zombies they sighed;
But each time we stopped
The next caroler died!
We sang and we sang
That long Christmas day;
Until the last zombie
Just… drifted away.
“We still have three songs left,”
The last caroler said.
Then I looked all around
To find my friends… dead.
The street was quite empty
The town deadly still;
I stepped on a finger
It gave me a chill!
I wandered for hours
Until it was night;
And found no survivors
Nope, not one in sight.
On the far edge of town
I heard quite a grumbling;
Like the groaning and retching
Of a hundred stomachs rumbling.
I still had my elf cap
Fixed tight to my head;
As I approached the zombie gathering
With fear and with dread.
They stood there and waited
Gore stuck in their teeth;
As I crept up toward them
As neat as a thief.
I stood there before them
And sang Oh, Christmas Tree;
Though each inch of my body
Wanted to flee.
They smiled and shuffled
They burped and passed gas;
But no mattered how hard I tried
They would not let me pass.
I settled in and gave them
The show of the year;
Grinning and smiling
In spite of my fear.
Their bellies were hungry
But the carols were soothing;
Even if my neighbors’ bones
They were chomping and toothing.
I wasn’t afraid
Oh no sir, not me;
I sang without falter
I sang loud… with glee.
I knew I’d be safe
From this living dead throng;
At least until I came
To the very last song…
* * * * *
Zombies Don’t Pop
I’d never liked parties
At the end of the year;
Since it meant back-to-school time
Was drawing more near.
But this year was different
As the clock did ding-dong;
And out of the graveyard
Bodies soon were long gone.
They roved and they wandered
As midnight drew near;
It was clear they were shuffling
Why, right over… here!
The dead had arisen
From their burial plots;
I’d say there were dozens
I’d say there were lots!
Their movements were jerky
Their feet they did scrape;
But the street was too crowded
To make my escape.
Our party was outside
As the confetti flew;
And the revelers shouted
As the party it grew.