Green Jean Humor:
Volumes 31-34
©2015
Andrew Bushard
Green Jean Humour
Volume 31
By Andrew Bushard
You may have heard about "Strippers For Jesus" on some of those older talk shows, but have you ever heard about Prostitutes for Jesus? They are new.
They are using the act of prostitution to spread the word of Jesus.
Beautiful women demand that their clients accept Jesus before they engage in intercourse. That why the orgasm can be a Jesus orgasm.
If you want sex with them, you must have accept Christ as your personal lord and savior. When you do so, you will have double the excitement.
Some of you may be critical of this unorthodox outreach method, but remember as the bible says "The Lord works in mysterious ways."
Announcing John Madden's all time greatest NFL player
Lou Trombone, Middle Linebacker for the St. Louis has the toughness John Madden loves. On Friday practice, he was paralyzed from the neck down. At the hospital, he did some recovering and he was on the field starting for the afternoon game on Sunday. Not only that, He did no bellyaching. I have heard more bellyaching from some players with paper cuts. You can't beat this type of toughness
We found Bin Laden, everyone!
He pulled a Sara Jane Olsen!
Interview from his neighbors in Pueblo, Colorado:
Joe Milton: Although he looked alot like Bin Laden, I never figured it was him
Sally Halderdash: He fooled everyone. He was very dedicated to the local synagogue, him of all people seemed to be unlikely to be a terrorist
Amanda Timberworth: He was friendly. I never thought someone friendly could head al-qaeda. Now, I tremble to think he was my next door neighbor.
Luke Glogstein: He was such a devoted family man. He played with his kids all the time, when he was not at the synagogue.
Shelly Blogmire: Terrorists lurk everywhere, I guess. He really is slick, if we was able to hide for 1 1/2 months in our cozy suburb in Pueblo.
Bin Laden is captured. He thought he was smart following Sara Jane Olsen's lead, but we caught him. Remember, Don't do the time, if you can't do the time. Let's just hope he doesn't get a lenient judge which just gives him a year or two probation.
Forget holocaust denial
I am starting a new trend.
I am a Y2K revisionist.
The myth of Y2K causing epic problems did not happen. This is very true. I seek to prove this is the case. Below is a series of pamphlets you can order through the Institute for Y2K Revisionism
J34536 Y2K Did Not Occur
G56435 Y2K is a Foolish Prediction
Y683523 The History Books are Lying to You about Y2K
T58687 Become a Y2K Denier Today
H4532 Believing that Y2K Happened is for Suckers!
P04596 Y2K is a Plutocratic Plot
W4567 Y2K is a Lie, Society is Still Alive
U95312 Y2K is Believed for the Advancement of Special Interests
I0356321 Believing that Y2K Happened Will Not Liberate
J923566 Anti Y2K Jokes and Riddles
T45765 Ad Hominem Attacks Against Those Who Believe in Y2K
M35214 Y2K is Garbage
Teen Committed Suicide (AP)
In Ann Arbor, MI, a tragedy occurred. Dale McHam, 16, of 14 W. Windsor tragically took his life Sunday morning.
Police and medical professionals found disturbing evidence of corrupting influences on Dale's impressionable mind.
Neighbors were baffled "That boy was so interested in politics, we never expected him to kill himself. Sad, sad, sad."
Police found a prodigious amount of Rush Limbaugh books, newsletters, audio tapes, posters and videos in the youth's room.
Most scary of all was the telling suicide note, written by the late youth.
Dear Mom and Dad:
I just had to take my life. Rush Limbaugh's material told me to do it. It is all Rush Limbaugh's fault. Rush Limbaugh made me do it. Have a good day.
Dale.
Just like Judas Priest, Rush Limbaugh is being sued for his works. The family is taking Rush Limbaugh to both criminal and civil court to avenge the death of their poor innocent son. All are welcome to attend
announcement:
Left handers are the most oppressed group on the face of the earth.
Thus it behooves you to engage in activism on their behalf.
The whole world hates the poor left handers. No one, not blacks, not Jews, not even (smokers) have it worse than the left handers.
If someone is screwed over, folks say "You're left out!" If someone has a strange idea, folks say "He's out in left field." This anti left hander oppression absolutely must stop!
When people say some matter is correct, they say "You're right!". This must be very exploitative for left handers to hear constantly!
When blacks or Jews try to establish equal footing with the rest of society, they demand "rights". Why not lefts? When they are demanding rights, they are thus exploiting the poor left handers.
Stop everything else that you are doing and become a part of the left hander crusade. It sure is tough to live in a world that hates and demeans your very existence. Time for left hand liberation now!
Dear Editor:
Some believe that Bush's regime might become a totalitarian or even fascist regime. Most people believe that would suck. Indeed totalitarianism often does suck. What would even suck worse is that the Bush version would be very uninteresting. If we are to have totalitarianism in this country, we should at least have an interesting version of it. We deserve at least that. No one can argue that Hitler's fascism wasn't evil. It was however ultra interesting. If you are going to set up a fascist or totalitarian regime, at least make it interesting, Bush!
Rural Misfits
(Part One)
Cast of Characters:
Sheila West: A Radical Theologian
Debra Hines: a Morbid Nihilist
Amanda Battled: A Complex Utopian Dreamer
Alexa Slovak: A Socially Concerned Punk Rocker
Brenda Diamond: A Misandrist
Jennifer Pineback: A Professional Mistress
Alice Dokat: The Premier Female Anarchist
Tamatha Boten: An academic saddened Marxist
Melissa Milt: A Black Supremacist
Lucy Dogtat: A White National Socialist
Amy Munch: A Czar Want to Be
May Daft: A Stereotypical Flag Loving Patriot
Angela Norman: A Bold Poet of Action
Tiffany Brack: A Rash Trendy Counter Culture Folk
Delphine Graft: A Sexual Prude
Linda Crack: A Big League Politician
Wendy Dougnore: A Nun Reject
Sandy Smoke: A Male Obsessed Woman
Mindy Folka: A Spoiled Aristocrat
Andrea Damhet: A Spirited Anti-Authoritarian
Selena Daze: A Furious Feminist
> Maxine Greft: A Nudist Colony Advocate
On a meandering meadow in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, some of the group sits around a cracking fire (the others are sitting perturbed). Some are praying to the Goddess of Fulfillment, others are rejecting the deity altogether.
Brenda (chanting): Matriarchy Matriarchy Matriarchy Matriarchy Matriarchy. Patriarchy is oppression. Patriarchy is the state.
Angela: Dearest Mother Earth, provide us with both, the grace of existence and a feast of occurrence.
Maxine: Clothes are the oppressive shackle. I bear and parade the beauty of the human body. My breasts are ripe with vigor. My limbs are purified by my nude condition. The elegance of flesh shines. Free love, fulfillment. where is the strong sex so I can unify myself with one? Sexual intercourse is the most liberating activity on earth?
Brenda: Our rural prairie is autonomous from male oppression and we sisters plan to keep it that way. The male species if a gigantic waste. I am a Goddess in deed. If we always prevent the immigration of males, we shall succeed.
Maxine: What's a poor nude woman without a male to do? Shrivel up and die, unfulfilled? I got needs! My sexual energy is at its peak.
Brenda: We are held down and shackled by the male sex.
Maxine: I wish there was a male to hold me down in this god awful place. My veins are stiffing from lack of manly love. My best redemption is my nude body. If only a male was here, my orgy would commence.
Brenda: Fool! Orgy is a dominant conspiracy. Orgy is a male only phenomenon. Stupid males are motivated only by sex. We females are greater!
Maxine: I wouldn't be so sure orgy is a male only phenomenon. You are just sexless. An old maid, you are, from years without males. I pray I won't become as sad as you. Have you ever undressed? Are you even aware of the beauty that is beneath your outer garments? This is how I honor god, my exhibiting my prime grace.
Brenda: People like you are almost as bad as men. I shiver at the thought of you, inferior one.
Angela: Here we have not justice, but a sorrowful misunderstanding. The color of the world is not different, only the color of our eyes. I plan to unite the warring factions, soothe the angered psyche, initiate social progress, progressive style.
Lucy: A perfect segeway to my speech .... The color of skin matters most. Whites are supreme. I have shut my mind off to any rebuttal of my statements.
Selena: You are all arguing when we have work to be done. This is a country, of the males, by the males, and for the males. This will end. No longer will you rest within the confines of law. Ultimate vigilantism is the only way out. Break all the male oppressor laws. Break them with fiery fury.
Andrea: Preach the gospel sister. Don't worry so much about the male part, just break the law in general. The state intrudes. Break murder laws. Break mayhem laws. Society will be a better place if more people spit on the sidewalk. Theodore Kaczynski is the ultimate heartthrob. He is my Christ figure. Through him is salvation from the vile vulgar state. I hate the state.
Alice: Society is a ruckus, superficially organized, thus assuring conquest and pain. No formal organizations, will I accept. I am in the position to deny all states. The state has ruined life after life without remorse. The state is the epitome of injustice, fear, folly, weariness, dullness, animosity, disease, spite, assault, regression, slime, atrophy, destruction, war, madness, victimization, conflict, nausea, poverty, depression, suppression, regression, oppression, melancholy, apathy, lethargy, discontent, reproach, sorrow, shallowness, ulterior motives, misconduct....
Amanda: Our rural society will flourish. The operatives word being flourish and rural. Urban settlements have only failed in the past. Technology is innately anti-autonomy. The city is for the birds. The whole lot must go! I envision meadows of purity, robust vegetation, radiant skies where evil is not viable or desired. By dropping out of society, we admit we are incapable of altering its shortcomings, we have gave up. We have quit. Beautiful better times commence now. Only dreams are necessary.
Debra: How about plans? I hate this innocent happy place.
Amanda: Where there are dreams, pragmatism is mute. A dream is best, plan or no plan.
Amy: I don't care how this settlement is run as long as I rule it.
May: American values, people! Our society must be founded on the dogma of the state. I would return to the perfect capitalist state of America if I could. But I'm here and I'm here to assume a 90's America replication.
Linda: Hey all you lovely folks, you have smiles of winners. This new society if to be virtuous must be founded on 2 party politics. Allow the 2 parties to rule from the start so no minority can ever hope to topple our wonderful bureaucratic ways.
Sheila: In all our theories, the Lord is present. He manifests himself in all. The Lord loves New Age and Liberal Theology.
Amanda: Unfortunately, authoritarian religion is an antithesis of our soon to be utopian paradise. Religion is what we are knocking down. There is no peace in religion.
Sheila: I emphasis spirituality. Religion has no operation in my world. The Lord is everywhere. The Seminary has taught me many wonderful lessons and the best of it was the correct way to run radical society.
Angela: Society must be condemned. Murder on the blocks. I weep a bit. Hope is gone. Society is left. Whispering its dirty lies in our virgin ears. Enough of the rotten. I have an objection to be made, society.
Tiffany: I dig this utopia idea. Utopia is the latest fad in chic circles everywhere. I dig the rhetoric. It sounds good. I dig all your fashion. Let me mimic ya'll, so my friends will think I'm ultra with it.
Lucy: The White race, I will be true. No traitors! Only white rules, fools, white rules! In all respects, such as love, tolerance, open mindedness, acceptance, the white race has demonstrated its superiority time and time again.
Melissa: Cease your words --- you white oppressor! This black is more intelligent than you. I am more sophisticated. I know the rules to life better. Blacks play better chess. Save society, eradicate the white race.
Lucy: You colored folk have oppressed us white people for ages. Look at the Trojan horse of affirmative action --- that is more upsetting than any trouble you blacks may have had.
Sheila: God is all inclusive! God isn't partial towards any race --- he loves us all.
Lucy: Quiet -- you black lover. I hate those who betray the royal heritage of whites.
Melissa: Whites are privileged. They have the reigns since day one. Whites have screwed up the world. Whites are inferior.
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: Blacks are inferior
Melissa: Whites are inferior
Lucy: You lie
Melissa: Do not
Lucy: Do too
Melissa: DO not
Lucy: Do too
Melissa: Do not
Lucy: Do too
Melissa: Do not
Lucy: Do too
Melissa: Do not
Maxine: Hush you both! To me, white or black does not matter, just as long as he is male, nude and available.
Sandy: Right on, sister. Our lives are meaningless without the male sex.
Brenda: Quite, quite, the contrary. Strong women live without males.
Tamatha: Capital has debunked our vital livelihood. The production of elites have harmed our interiors. Humanity is a carnal beast oppressed by the saturating authority.
Andrea: Right on. The status quo is the enemy. Brutal tribes formulate our destinies. War strikes down the heart of homosapiens. I fear the flag. A nation is an organized sect of hate. Czars proudly triumph with our dangling carcasses. Each propaganda rhetoric I am exposed to, builds up the hate which is my soul.
Amy: Knock it off. Czars never hurt no one. Czars promote the value of efficiency. Our work is swift. None of the troublesome muddle prominent society.
Wendy: Praise God but only if he permits some vices like gambling, the horrific leisure, the mortal sin of dancing and card playing, Satan's graveyard. If I only sin 30 times a day, it won't be that bad. If I sin any less, all fun is eliminated.
Jennifer: Hello. I am here to dominate the males out there. That is all. Flock to me, males. I appeal. I'm waiting.
Angela: The American flag, symbol of horror, a heritage of injustice, bold propaganda for primitive people, tired hands slowly set aflame the embodiment of evil.
(Angela burns a 10 foot by 7 foot American flag)
May: You have mocked my pride. Your hate has destroyed our nation's love. The bonds of community have broken. You are an unrighteous rebel!
Angela: To respond to a patriot, the hand crafted work of an ethnocentric nation, molded for only obedience, engulfed by the romance of state salvation. ad naueseum. Vital functions do not flow. Machine react to the leader glow.
Alexa: The trouble public is troubled. The sick leader is sick. The perverse vanguards are perverse. The unholy trinity is unholy. The rotten rulers are rotten. The evil government is evil. The sad state is sad. The crying masses are crying. The sleepy populace is sleepy.
May: I abhor the discipline of satire. Satire is libel, justified and legal.