Person: But all the history books say Nixon was a Republican.
Repulsive Republican: Those are Democratic partisan attempts to defame the Republican Party.
Person: C’mon, Nixon himself professed to be a Republican. He himself claimed to be a Republican. He identified as one.
Repulsive Republican: That is a lie! The Democrats altered history by altering video tapes and other evidence. Nixon was never a Republican. Nixon was a Democrat. Nixon was a Democrat. Nixon was a Democrat.
Person: I guess with some people, you can’t assume anything is settled.
Repulsive Republican: How dare you defame the good Republican Party! Nixon was a Democrat.
Narrator: We must now change all the history books, because we now know Nixon was a Democrat.
Are you concerned about prospective employees?
Are you concerned that current background checks lack the depth to weed out criminal elements?
Do you believe current criminal backgrounds can never tell you the whole story?
If so, read on……………
Many times after conducting a background check, an employer figured he or she was in the clear. Thus, the employer hired the employee. Whether right away or eventually, the employee committed some heinous crime. Perplexed employers have had no choice but to shake their heads and wonder what happened.
The truth is you can search all through an employee’s criminal file and not find anything and the employee can still be the Next Dahmer.
What employers need is a Past Life Regression. Don’t just search through the employee’s current life, but all past lives. After all, someone reincarnated as Joe Average, could have been Adolf Hitler, Fuhrer of the ever evil Third Reich, in a past life. No employer wants to hire Adolf Hitler. Before now, there was no preventing this. Now you can avoid this tragedy of major proportions.
We use past life regression, because checking one life is never enough. Our past life regression therapists are guaranteed to search each individuals’ 350 past lives for any sign of breaking any laws in any society, and also any past lives as any beings as non-humans. Purchase our past life regression for employers package now.
Employment Credentials, Inc.
PO Box 23456
Brookings, SD
57006
Police Report
August 27, 2000
At 3:45 p.m. I was dispatched to 3351 Richards Blvd. I arrive to meet a very disturbed woman named Sandra Doulotro, D.O.B. 01/24/61. She reported that her bathroom was in shambles. She said she arrived home to find it in an inoperable condition; the toilet was shattered to pieces and water was all over the place. She told me that a young man wearing a three piece suit was dashing past her home when she arrived. I advised her to wait until evidence was collected to have said toilet repaired.
I called headquarters, which dispatched the Special Evidence Crew. The Special Evidence Crew soon arrived and placed a number of items into evidence, which is listed on separate form, #3519532, filled out by Special Evidence. I informed Ms. Doulotro that I would do everything possible to apprehend the offender and bring him to justice. I patrolled the entire boulevard and surrounding neighborhood.
At a local park, Lifo Park, I heard a commotion. Two young men, one dressed in a three piece suit and the other dressed in a vest and slacks were making loud noises. I advised them that their volume level was inappropriate for the residential setting. I also informed them that I was conducting an investigation as one of them matched a suspect’s description.
The young male in the three piece suit provided me with identification. He was Ronald Q. Molts, 1239 Richards Blvd, DL 345-09-3913. I had dispatch check the subject’s record on the dispatch. Subject had 459 outstanding warrants for impersonating 459 officers in order to solicit funds.
I then placed the subject under arrest while telling him “Don’t do the crime, if you caaaaaaaaaaaan’t do the time” in a sing song voice. The other party, James Hutch, 1255 Richards Blvd, DL 459-81-9951, had no outstanding warrants and no prior arrests. I questioned both young men about the incident.
Molts has celebrated his crimes with Hutch, but Hutch has refused to participate, objecting that crimes could get one in trouble.
Upon questioning, Molts confessed to vandalizing Doulotro’s toilet. I asked him why he engaged in such conduct. He told me he recently read a book about feng shui, which stated that toilers deprive a home of chi energy. Knowing that Doulotro had many troubles, physical, mental, emotional, legal, and vocational, Molts said he sough to relieve her pain, which was surely due to lost chi energy. Thus he vandalized the toilet.
I asked him why he did not request Ms. Doulotro’s permission. He said she would likely be afraid to take the next move, so he had to make the bold move for her. I informed him that he probably caused more trouble by destroying that if he would have left it alone.
I charged Molts with breaking an entry, vandalism, trespassing, and unlawful entry. I transported him to the public safety building and placed him under $10,000 bail.
Police Report
September 14th, 2000
At 0600 I was dispatched to 1593 Bolkes Drive. Steven Stumbach was wailing in terrible pain.
Steven was reluctant to speak at first. It appeared that his situation caused the reluctance to speak.
I inquired about what happened. Stumbach informed me minutes before my arrival, he was assaulted by a young hoodlum who administered what is colloquially referred to as a “wedgie”. It was a particularly harsh one.
He gave me a description of a young man dressed in formal attire; black, white, and bow tie.
I then called for backup. 30 other officers arrived. I debriefed them and we began to search the neighborhood.
In a park, Lotus Park, two young men were excitable. One was dressed in formal attire. The other was dressed in rags. With 27 of the 30 officers, we approached the men.
I asked for identification. The man in formal attire was Ronald Q. Molts, 1239 Richards Blvd, DL 345-09-3913. The other party was James Hutch, 1255 Richards Blvd, DL 459-91-9951.
Subjects informed me that they were discussing a recent evil. Molts informed me that he entered the home of Stumbach and administrated a “wedgie”. I inquired as to subject’s motivation. Molts said that the Almighty told him to give the wedgie. He said “God told me to give Steven Stumbach a wedgie and when God calls, I answer.”
After receiving said confession, I informed Molts he was under arrest for trespassing, assault, and breaking an entry. Molts was then transported to the Public safety building and held under $13,000 bail.
George Ritzer for President!
The eminent theorist of Sociology wants to be your leader!
Finally we have a sociologist of the people, who is loved by the people
954 Million People can't be wrong!
He will run this nation in the most sociologically sound way
We need a theorist (and a dude who plays in a band called the "Theorists") as our next president
George Ritzer for President!
A message from the Freedom for All Association:
Have you ever stumbled across those oppressive signs which say "Call before you dig?"
If you are a decent minded American, you believe such signs are far from innocuous; you believe these signs are a serious encroachment of our civil liberties.
We have the right to dig wherever we want! This is what freedom is all about!
Those paternalistic utility companies are not doing us a public service by warning us; they are being tyrants!
Fact is NO ONE EVER GOT HURT DIGGING ANYTHING ANYWHERE!
These power companies are psychotic and delusional. Their warnings about electrocution are just demagoguery. They just want to paralyze good people with fear!
When you call before you dig, you are letting the tyrants rob you of our noble liberties.
If you are a true fr
eedom loving American, you will dig wherever you want!
Don't call before you dig. Those who want you to do so are fools and tyrants. Don't call before you dig, it's the American way.
Dear Institutional Review Board:
Since you are responsible of reviewing research ethics, I am submitting my research proposal to you.
The purpose of my research is to test the effects of medieval torture chambers on people. Science demands verification for any expressed hypothesis. Thus, I want to test the hypothesis that these torture chambers caused pain amongst the subjects. I plan to utilize 1000 torture devices on 1000 different subjects.
A second purpose of my research is test whether certain weapons are capable of killing people. This test is necessary because without it, gun, ammunition and other weapon manufacturers will not be certain their products are capable of killing. I plan to test numerous products in a Consumer Reports style comparison on 1000 subjects.
In both cases, the number of subjects is necessary to ensure the validity of results. Any fewer subjects used, and the results would lose considerable validity
I am confident these experiments will find prompt approval from your board. I imagine you will find no ethical problems with this study.
Sincerely,
James M. Droteroson, doctoral candidate College of Letters and Humanities, Department of Psychology
The latest on the feud between Natalie Maines and Toby Keith:
There is no feud!
It was all made up to make money!
Everyone knows the country music industry is as dull as dirt, thus, Nashville invented this little swindle to make big bucks off of you!
Anyone ever figure out, they are both stupid? That both their points of view and ways of acting are stupid? The objective fact is they both are stupid!
Maybe just maybe, backstage, Toby and Natalie are having sexual intercourse. Everyone is happy because this crazy feud is making big bucks for Nashville!
I have made a decision after much contemplation. I have decided that no longer am I content to eat from regular dishes. These regular dishes are too burdensome and big for me. I switched to a different type of eating device:
The good old petri dish.
From now on, I plan to eat all my meals, delicious or not from the classical petri dish. I imagine meals will be much more delicious eaten on this new platter. I hope this fad will catch on and then everyone begins to eat all their meals from a petri dish. It may be small, but sometimes for fads, we need to make sacrifices. I imagine the petri dish industry will be quite jubilant to find out about this latest development.
Be novel. Be original. Eat your meals from now on only on the good old, classic petri dish. The petri dish --It's not just for scientists anymore!
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