I don't speak, thoughts rushing through my mind so rapidly I can't even make sense of them.
"He's always felt things so much stronger than Clay or myself. When our mom left, that void hit him so hard. He was so close to her and then one day she was just gone. When you add that to all the pain our father put him through, he couldn't win for tryin'. He wasn't interested in the ranch like Clay was. He wasn't interested in the shop like I was. The only thing he was interested in was the one thing our father hated almost as much as he hated our mother. When he told him that he wanted to ride, Dad beat him so bad he had to go to the hospital. Told them that he got hurt during ridin' practice. Can you believe that?"
"Quinn, I don't think you should be tellin' me this." And I didn't. It seemed like a betrayal to Maverick, and even though I didn't owe him that, I shouldn't be learning the secrets they've kept buried within their family from his sister because she was trying to play some sort of matchmaking game.
"Probably not, but that doesn't change that I'm going to. I didn't tell you this back then because I knew he had to leave, Leigh. He had to. If he hadn't he would have either killed our father or died trying. There was too much pain there. Maverick never was the same after Mom left, but when he told Dad that he wanted to leave the ranch the old man had worked to grow for his boys to take over--for the rodeo, of all places--it killed the only thing good left inside of him back then. Dad would never forgive him for running off with rodeo dreams in his eyes. Just like Mama. Mama ran off chasin' the buckle just like Mav."
"What? You mama wasn't a rider, Quinn."
"Not of horses or bulls, but she loved herself a cowboy, and a cowboy with the lights of fame in his face was the only thing she cared about."
I gasp. "You never told me that, Q."
She drops the now empty pie tin and looks up at me, sadness and anger swimming behind her gaze. "Because it's better to say your mama ran off because she couldn't handle being a mother to three kids and the life of a rancher's wife than to admit she's nothin' but a slut with dollar signs in her eyes."
"Jesus, Quinn."
"Yeah, I know. Look, I'm over it, I just wanted you to know there's a lot more behind Maverick than what you know. I understand you're upset right now and I'm not saying that you shouldn't be, but I think you need to get over yourself and cowgirl up. You aren't a quitter and honey, he's home . . . do something about it. It isn't too late for you two."
I make a mental note to talk to her about her mama later because it's clear she has no interest in continuing that conversation right now. She's as stubborn as a bull when it comes to something she doesn't want to deal with. Quinn is an expert at avoidance.
"It's been ten years, babe. We aren't the same kids we were back then. We were shaky friends at best and regardless of what he's said a lot of hurt is standing in the way of taking that friendship to something further. I love you for your optimism, but I'm not sure that it isn't too late." My mind quickly brings up the memory of our stolen kiss in the field between our families' properties, the one that even now--ten years later--I haven't told a soul about. We were so much more than shaky friends.
She studies me for a second, not giving anything away with her expression. "I understand that, but Leighton, I want to say something to you and I need you to really think about it. Don't make a split-second decision, but really let it sink in, okay?"
"Okay," I respond hesitantly.
"Can you honestly tell me that since he's been home, you don't feel like that piece of you that's been hollow since he left isn't starting to feel like it's mending a little? You've dated, sure, but you've NEVER let that piece find a way to heal. My brother comes back home and not even twelve hours pass before you two are pulled back together. Regardless of what happened to fuel that, when two people are meant for each other sometimes their souls make the moves their brains are too busy analyzing in order to allow it to happen. You both use your pain as a shield to keep people out, and because of that, you're fighting against the one person that has the power to heal every second of that pain. Stop fighting. You're allowed to be hurt over his actions, Leighton. You should. But when you are tied to another person right down to your souls, you don't give that kind of connection up without making sure you have all the facts, and honey, you don't. Let him give you the full story. If you feel like what he's done in the past is unforgivable still, then at least you can make that call with all the facts."
"You make it sound so easy, Quinn."
She laughs, the sound lacking any humor. "It's not, Leigh. It's gonna be hard and I'm sure painful, but just think, if the end means you two are together, or you finally have the closure you need to move on, well . . . either way, you can leave that purgatory you say has you held captive. But if you end up with him, just think about how sweet that is going to be when you come out on the other side."
She gives me a sad smile, grabbing the other rhubarb pie I brought over before she walks out of the work area and into the break room where the fridge is.
Could she be right? Is opening myself up to this kind of pain worth the payout that might be waiting for me? Or what if I open myself up again, only to have my heart smashed all over when Maverick feels like this town is suffocating him again? Better yet, will I regret it if I don't try?
I guess the better question at this point is, who is going to run first? And will that person be running toward something, or away from something else?
With my mind spinning from everything that Quinn told me today, I do the only thing that has ever been able to help when my thoughts are a maelstrom of confusion.
I rush back down Main Street and I bake.
15
MAVERICK
"Should've Been a Cowboy" by Toby Keith
Sitting across from Clay in the old man's office is making my skin crawl. I hate being in here. Judging by the tension rolling off Clay, he hates it just as much as I do, but there's work to do and this is where it needs to happen.
"This place could run itself blind, Clay. You don't need me on the breedin' end. Hell, neither of us would have to do a damn thing but show up when buyers do and collect the checks and this ranch would continue to thrive."
He pulls his white hat off, scratching his messy hair before placing the hat back down, shadowing his face once again. "I hear what you're sayin', Mav, but what you're askin' means I would need to sink a ton of fuckin' money into something that I have no interest or fuckin' time to handle right now."
"I'm not askin' you to handle shit and you know it. I own just as much of this ranch as you do now. You also know I don't need your fuckin' money to make it happen. I wouldn't want that money even if I did. I want this for me because it's somethin' I believe in, but it's also somethin' that's mine without him all over it. I'm askin' you for land you don't need and I'm askin' for your blessing to find my own way with somethin' that makes me happy."
"Fuck!" he bellows and looks up to the ceiling. "What are you fuckin' up to, little brother?"
"Hell, Clayton . . . I'm just tryin' to find my feet when they've been knocked out from under me. I'm tryin' to find my way while I make some good memories to replace the nightmares that hide in every corner around this fuckin' ranch. I'm just tryin' to get back what I lost when I couldn't see past the horror show that was our childhood."
He pulls off his hat again, tossing it onto the desk. I watch it spin a few times before settling with a gentle rock. Seeing the sweat-stained band on the inside of his Stetson makes me think of my own that I had left behind with Leigh. I feel like I've lost a limb being without it, but I'm fuckin' prayin' that by leavin' it behind, I've given her enough to find her way back to me.
"The land you're asking for, Maverick . . . shit. If you fuck this up and hightail it back outta here again, this will make that night in the middle of the woods look like a fuckin' paper cut compared to the damage this will do."
It takes one hell of an effort not to blow my top at him; instead, I take a deep breath before answering.
"I've told you every day since I got back in Pine Oak, Clay. I'm not leavin'. I'm here to stay, and God willing, I'm here to get back what I lost."
He makes a noise deep in his throat and shuffles some papers around on the desk. "I figured when you told me you would come back, you would actually help around here."
"There's nothin' good for me on this ranch except you and Quinn. I can't be here without thinkin' the old man is goin' to come out and bash my head in because I'm not walkin' straight. I'm tryin' to prove to you I'm stickin' around, but I can't do that here, on this property."
Clay looks up, his eyes more sympathetic than I've seen since I got back almost a month ago. "He's gone, Mav. Can't hurt you from the grave."
My chest vibrates, the sound far from a laugh. "That's where you're wrong, brother. He's left his mark all over this damn place. Just being here, in this house, around the barn, the training fields--it's all him. All I do is walk two fuckin' feet and I'm relivin' some bullshit in my mind. I don't want to run, but to prove I'm stickin' around I have to do it away from the Davis ranch."
"Is that all this is about?"
I knew he would see right through me to the bigger picture. Clay's always been fifteen steps ahead of the rest of us. "What else would this be about?" I respond, playing stupid and avoiding the rest of the topic at hand.
"Leighton."
I feel my brows rise slowly and I allow my lips to turn up. "What about her?" God, just hearing her name settles me. I've been coming out of my skin for days. Not just because of her silence. Everything I've told Clay is the truth; I can't stay at the Davis ranch and stay in Pine Oak because here makes me feel like a caged animal again.
"She's been through a lot, Maverick. I'm your brother, and because of that, you get my loyalty . . . however, I love that girl like she's a sister, and brother or not, I will lay you the fuck out if you hurt her again."
I lift out of the chair, but before my ass was even an inch off the old leather seat in front of my dad's old desk, Clay holds up his hand to halt my movements.
"Sit the fuck down and listen to me. I understand why you left, Mav. I get it. I know you needed to. That being said, you were so single-mindedly focused on getting the hell out of town that you might as well of been blind as a bat. I can't change things with Dad. I can't change what happened with Mama. I can't give you your career back. But I can give you this. You aren't the only one who carries scars. You need to learn to forgive Dad, if anything to just let it go and be able to move on. You need to forget about Mama. You did what you could, but she didn't want us then and she's never gonna change. You also need to give Leighton everything. One thing us Davises are good at is hidin' the pain. So you want her land--you need to talk to her about it. I might own it, but I only bought it from her so I could keep her close. She was going through so much and I couldn't let her leave Pine Oak. We couldn't lose her too."
He adds the last part almost as an afterthought. His words hushed and hard to hear, but I did hear him and the thoughts running through my mind are anything but nice.
"Tell me, you and Leigh . . ." I let the unasked question hang in the air.
He looks up from the spot on the desk he had been lost in thought focusing on. "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?"
"It sounds like there's something strong between you two."
"Yeah, you're damn right there is."
This time I do come up from my chair. Clay does too and before I realize, we're chest to chest next to the desk, both of us breathing harshly.
"I will kill you if you touched one hair on her head," I say with a growl.
"Let me ask you something, big man . . . who do you think was there to pick up the pieces after you stomped all over her that night?"
My anger spikes. Just thinking about my brother with his hands on Leighton makes me want to kill him. Rationally, I know I have no right to feel this way. I knew what I was doing that night, and in doing so, I knew I was breaking her heart, but I never thought about who would happen to be there after I left.
"Clayton," I seethe.
"You don't fuckin' get to be pissed. You left. I told you I understand why you did. We all understood it. You were meant to ride, Mav. Even if you hadn't felt the need to escape this town, you were born to ride. Even knowing why you left, it doesn't fix the fact that you went out like a tornado set on destroying everything in the way. You fucked up and because of that I had to come in and fix it all. You gotta lot of balls to sit here and be pissed because we grew closer after you left."
"How close?"
He pushes back with his chest, but I don't budge.
"I'd kill for that girl. Even my own damn brother. Hurt her again and I won't even think twice about it, Maverick."
"How. Fuckin'. Close?"
Clay's jaw sets, the hard clamp of his teeth making it flex rapidly. His green eyes turn cold as his lips thin.
"You really want to do this? Fine! You destroyed what little confidence she had in herself. She was already insecure about everythin', as you know, but her beauty shined through even as she was still comin' into herself. She's always had something about her. Even when she was just a young'un, that girl screamed forever and that scream was always directed right at you. You were so busy tryin' to find a way out--to get away from Dad, chase some bullshit with Mom, and to ride--the only thing you loved at the time, that you didn't even see that. Or anything else--here at home. Out with friends. With the attention from girls you didn't want. I only saw you at peace when you were ridin' or when you were with Leighton. You really think, knowing that, I would move in on her the second you left?"
His words knock some wind out of my sails. The truth I had been avoiding. The pain knowing that one of those things that already brought me peace is gone and the other might never be mine is a very real reminder of the stakes I'm up against to finally be free of the pain that haunts me.
"You gotta focus on one thing at a time, but I'm proud of you for putting that focus where it matters. I can honestly tell you, you fix this shit with her and you two finally live out what you've always been destined for, I have a feeling she will be all you need to face the rest of what is haunting you."
"I never should have pushed her away," I tell him, voicing the one thing I've known deep in my gut since the day I left. "I should have been stronger."
He takes a deep breath, and clamps his large palm on my shoulder. "You are one of the strongest men I know, Maverick. You could have done things differently, but we both know you did what you had to do in an impossible situation."
"You stayed," I whisper. It's one of the biggest things that's fucked with my mind over the years. I took the coward's way out, and in doing so, I left my siblings to battle the beast alone.
"Fuck, Maverick!" Clay yells, startling me from my thoughts. "When you think back to what it was like growing up here, really fuckin' think about it, I want you to see it clear. Yeah, he was a son of a bitch, but he didn't treat Quinn or me like he did you. You were the closest to Mom, never cared about the ranch, and when she left, he held some sort of blame on you for always having her love . . . what little she was capable of giving. When he found out you were ridin', all that did was remind him that his wife ran off with a rider. Everything you were, just bein' you, set you up for his hatred and fury. He was a sorry fuckin' drunk back then, but he only put his hands on you. I didn't need to leave because by the time you were gone, he didn't do anything but drink himself to the grave until it finally came to collect. Ten years is a long time, Maverick, and by the time he was too sick to turn it around, the guilt of his mistake-filled life killed him faster than the bottle did."
I take a deep breath, my head swirling with my brother's words. "You forgave him?"
He nods. "Had a lot of time to talk to him before he died. He wasn't the same man, brother. When I tell you that regrets are a powerful thing, I say that knowing that they can very well be strong enough to kill you. Do what you can to make peace with yours."
I throw up my hands
. "What do you think I'm doin'? I left here with anger ridin' my back and I came back with the same partner ridin' along. I'm workin' on it, but I've done a lot of harm and I'm not sure if it's too late."
He gives me a look of sympathy before pulling me into a hug. I wrap my arms around him. He pats my head like he used to when we were little and I'd come seeking his comfort and love. "It's never too late, baby brother, long as you're still breathin'."
16
LEIGHTON
"Rise Up" by Andra Day
It was dark by the time I left the PieHole. After Quinn left, the only thing I could do was think.
And boy, did I think.
I thought about a little girl who would follow around an equally little boy imagining what would happen when they got older and had little kids of their own.
I smiled when I reminisced about that little girl, a few years later, realizing that when that little boy was hers, they would have everything.
I recalled the time that teenage girl, awkward and insecure in her own skin, thought she was the most beautiful thing on the earth when that boy, now a teenager too, would give her some attention.
I mourned the day that teenage boy stopped giving that teenage girl his smiles freely--until one day he stopped smiling altogether.
I remembered the day he stopped seeking her out to sit in the middle of the wildflowers behind her house to just look at the clouds. Holding her hand and talking about what his life would be like when he was a famous bull rider.
I laughed, humorously, when I thought about the dreams that teenage girl had about joining the teenage boy while he made those cloud-whispered dreams a reality.
I gasped with pain over the memory of the day that teenage girl witnessed why the teenage boy no longer stood with his shoulders stretched with pride and strength.
I relived the pain the day that teenage girl saw the teenage boy's father hit him with a riding crop.
I felt the heartbreak like it had just happened when that teenage girl decided to throw caution to the wind and try to get those smiles back. The day she decided that she had to get him back before he left forever.