She slapped him on his ass as he walked away, slurring, “Hurry back, Sugar Pants!”
Sugar Pants? Man, I hope divorce doesn’t do that to me.
He made it into the bathroom and waited for a stall. There was a line two deep at every urinal, and the pressure was starting to build. Man, how do these guys pee so long? Sounds like they're filling up a fish tank over there. Five minutes later, he was peeing in the urinal when he caught the eye of the man next to him. The young man was in his twenties and swaying. Dan had an idea.
“Hey, Dude, I’ve got a proposition for you.”
Every man in the bathroom seemed to take a step back, except one guy at the sink peeked over.
“Not that kind of proposition!”
“What?” the young man said, shaking his head.
“Look, there’s this hot chick at the bar, a short blonde with black in her hair. She talks like a sailor and has legs like a dancer. I’ll give you fifty bucks if you sit at my stool and act like you’re a friend of mine. I can’t have her chasing me all night. She’s one of those crazy types.”
“I’ll be yer friend,” a big-bearded man that was standing behind him said, “ I like them crazy ones.”
“Me, too! Introduce me; I don’t even want the fifty bucks. I just want to get laid,” said another who was still in his security guard uniform.
Neither of the men would qualify. The word 'handsome' would not exist when describing them, but 'out of shape' and 'hapless' would. One of them looked like the Jamerson boys: chinless and without will. Dan ignored them.
The young man said, “Okay, but let me have the money first, and you better not be some perve trying to trick me—hic—I had that happen once before. Stole my underwear—hic—and my dignity.”
At that moment, one of the bathroom-stalls' walls began to shake as everyone heard the sound of a man’s bowels exploding. The entire room erupted into cursing, and a bunch of ‘Ah Geez’s’ followed. The young man was heading out the door when Dan grabbed him by the shoulder.
“Zip your fly, and wash your hands.”
“Then you’ll pay me.”
“Yes.”
“Now, she’s not—hic—one of them husky amazons, is she? Them big girls scare me. One time I had a baby sitter that liked to sit on me. Farted on me and everything.”
“Just shut up a second. What’s your name?”
“Chuck.”
“Chuck, I’m Dan. Can you remember that?”
“Yep. I’m Chuck, and you’re Dan. Got it.” The foul odor from the explosion began to seep into his nose, so Dan started to pull Chuck outside of the bathroom.
Chuck was holding his nose, saying, “Man, that’s what my baby sitter smelled like.”
Dan stopped him by the door back into the club and handed him two twenties and a ten.
“Remember Chuck, I’m Dan, and you’re my friend. Don’t run off, either. I’ll find you if you do.”
“No problem —hic— let’s go.”
Dan could hear Charlene’s raunchy voice inside the noisy club from thirty feet away. He approached her from the back with Chuck on his hip. As he pushed his way through dwellers massing at the bar, he noticed his stool was full. Charlene had her arms draped over the shoulders of a bearded bald-headed man with Pop-eye triceps. He felt Chuck tugging at his arm.
“That her?”
Dan nodded.
“That our stool?”
“Yep.”
“Want me to kick that guy’s ass?”
“No, let’s just wait it out a bit. He’s probably just waiting on his drinks. Besides, he’s bigger than the both of us.”
“I ain’t scared. I’ve whipped bigger men than him. I beat a college football dude with my belt one time. At least, that’s what my fraternity brothers said. I can’t recall many things that happened that night, except I woke up in the elevator in a mall parking garage smelling like piss and shit.”
Dan looked at Chuck and said, “Who the hell are you?”
Chuck shrugged.
Dan waited a little longer, watching as the man and Charlene were getting friendlier. As he squeezed a little closer, she shoved her tongue down the ball-headed man’s throat.
“Are you kidding me? I’ve barely been gone ten minutes,” he said, looking back at Chuck. Chuck was gone.
“Man, rejected by one idiot and abandoned by another.”
Dan was beginning to wonder whether or not the single life would suit him. He checked his phone. It was almost midnight. Gotta get ready. He found a table near the stage and sat down.
CHAPTER 16
As the band finished up their last song, Dan’s fingertips began to tingle. Two tall men, brothers by the looks of them, strummed an acoustic and a seven string, while a puffy young lady in a tight black dress screamed like an angel. They were good, an odd mix of the eighties and nineties gone awry. Dan liked it, but as they finished their final hit he realized his time had come.
A short man with a smooth face and wiry hair walked over and squeezed his hand with a strong reassuring grip.
“You ready to get after it, Dan?”
“Of course, you know it.”
“Not nervous are you?” the man said with a laugh.
Dan held out his steady hands and said, “Do I look like it?”
“No, and that’s why I let you do this. Not many can handle the stage, but you got something. Just don’t try to overdo it. Let it come natural. I’ll introduce you here in a few.”
“Thanks Arnold,” he said. His throat was dry, which seemed unusual. He had a half-filled glass of water that he sipped down. As he watched the band exit the stage, his entire body began to feel like it was somewhere else. Surveying the surrounding tables, he noticed they were still filled, even after the band took off. There seemed to be a lot more people than the last time. He closed his eyes and dipped his chin down.
Focus, Dan. Just focus. Remember, they're drunk, and they want to laugh. As long as you sell funny, they'll buy it all. It’s your room, your stage, your house. No mercy. No slips. No stammers. Crush them all!
When he opened his eyes, Arnold was on the stage and holding the microphone. Dan got that feeling like he was going to run out of the tunnel at a football game. He rubbed his hands over the thighs of his jeans and waited.
With the commanding voice of a ringmaster, Arnold spoke: “Good evening and welcome to the Weasel’s Tail! First off, I want to thank Club Trifecta for their great music …”
Some cheers and applause followed.
“… they really know how to show us a good time, don’t they? But now, as you know, it’s midnight. And that’s when the fun really begins. We’ve been doing this for years, and so far it hasn’t ever let us down. We’ve had some of the best comedians in America come through here, and they really enjoyed the world’s best sweet potato logs. We just wish they would have done some comedy, too ...”
“All kidding aside though, I think we’ve had some pretty good comedians come through the Weasel’s Tail, and tonight some of the best we’ve ever had have returned …”
Dan felt the underwear beginning to stick to his butt, and the icy room began to become tropical. He could smell the cherries and the limes in people’s drinks and hear a dozen bracelets jangle. He could taste the beer, peanuts, and whiskey whose aroma filtered from the surrounding people’s mouths. He was there, a mere extension of his environment … and he liked it. Here goes, Dan!
“Now, without further ado, I would like to introduce our first act. He’s been coming around over the past several months, and he’s always got something funny and new to say … Let’s have a nice warm welcome for Dapper Dan Hall!”
He didn’t even feel himself moving onto the stage or notice Arnold’s hand slapping him on the shoulder while saying, “Go get em’ kid.” He smiled, nodded, and grabbed the microphone. Be animated. Don’t overdo it, though. When alm
ost every eye in the nightclub was on him, he felt more at home: a garden variety of a couple hundred people wanting to hear what he had to say. It reminded him of the days at school pep assemblies when he used to get the crowd going for the football games. He loved it, every bit of it. Now all he had to do was be funny, and everything would work out just fine.
“Thanks Arnold, I appreciate it. Man, how is everyone tonight? Is everybody feeling good?”
Some audible cheers came.
“Well, I gotta tell you what. I’ve been reading some articles in those health magazines, and I just learned about the dangers of second-hand carbs. Have you ever heard of those?”
He saw some nods.
“It’s pretty serious, kinda like second-hand smoke, where you can get cancer from other people smoking. Well, in this case, you can pick up extra calories and carbs just by sitting next to another person who is eating.” He nodded. “It’s true. I was just back there at the bar where some dude was eating a plate full of Arnold’s cheesy potato logs, and I just gained five pounds! I also feel like I gotta poop all of a sudden, and I had just gone.”
There was some laughter across the room. Dan noticed a very skinny woman casting a few nervous glances over her shoulder. He caught her attention.
“Miss, ah Miss? You look a little worried. Just take it easy; it’s only a theory.”
More laughter came, but the woman didn’t seem to understand. Wow, she doesn’t know what a theory is, I think.
“Ah … she still looks worried. Look, a theory just means they think it could happen … and it also means it probably will. Moving on,” he said, walking over to the other side of the stage as solid laughter followed.
“Now listen to this. True story about the other night. I’m lying in bed … alone … and I have to say that because that’s what your dirty little minds are wondering ... but I’m not here to talk about my sex life, all I’ll say is that there were ten of us,” he held up his hands and wiggled his fingers and winked, “and we were all asleep ...”
Dan noticed several women leaning forward at the table.
“Totally asleep, sound asleep, like a baby. Then POW, the next thing I know I’m sitting upright in my bed, wide awake and sweating. Do you know what I was thinking?” He saw many people shaking their heads. “I had this single, profound thought in my mind.” He pointed to his head. “My mind was asking me a question. Do you want to know what the question was?”
“Yes,” some of the audience replied.
“Well, I’m kinda embarrassed. Are you sure you want to know?” he said, nuzzling the microphone.”
“Yes, tell us, man!” some drunk yelled from one of the back tables, adding in more laughs.
Dan said, “Do fish pee? That’s what went through my mind. DO … FISH … PEE?”
The unexpected brought on a burst of laughter, but Dan wasn’t finished.
“There I am, in bed, and I’m just now figuring out that fish pee. Because, I know they poop. I used to have a fish tank, and it would be full of those wavy little turds. But now I’m onto pee. I’m thinking, every time I go to the beach, or water-skiing in a river, I’m swimming in fish pee. I mean, I don’t swim in people pee. Well, wait a minute …” Dan paused and looked upward while holding his chin. He continued, “Come to think of it, I guess I do swim in people pee. Geez that’s gross. Now let’s be honest here, and I want to see a show of hands. How many people have pee-pee’d in the ocean, or in the river or the public pool?” Dan raised his hand, as well as ninety percent of the room.
Dan waved his finger at the crowd and said, “Now I knew you guys were my kinda people. Hey, if you’ve ever pissed in your neighbor’s pool, take a drink!”
Mugs were clanked and glasses were raised to laughing lips as the smiles broke out all over the room.
”You know, I feel pretty good being around all of you. I’m gonna tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone before. It’s embarrassing, but since we're all friends here, I’d like to share. It happened to me when I was back in college. I had to make extra money to live on, and I didn’t have too much time for a full-time job. Well, for a hundred bucks or something, I signed up to do one of those drug studies.”
He started circling around the tiny stage and noticed the audience was still warming up to him.
“It was a very crucial time in my life. I didn’t have a girlfriend, and I didn’t have much luck in that department, but I figured if I got some extra cash, I could at least get up the nerve to ask a girl out on a date. So, I show up one morning, in some lab, and I sit in the waiting room with a bunch of other dudes. They take us all back, one by one. They give me a pill and tell me to go sit back down and wait until they call. Before you know it, all of us dudes are back in the waiting room. All I could wonder was:
"'What is going to happen to me? What kind of pill did I take? Am I going to turn into the Hulk? Will my hair grow out like a werewolf? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?'
"It was crazy. But all the other dudes were pretty social, and we talked about sports and all, but then everyone got all quiet all of a sudden.” Dan finished off in a whisper, as he hunkered down. “It was like that silence in a horror film, just before the killer strikes. Something was wrong, terribly wrong.”
Dan let his head slump down as he shook it slowly back and forth.
“Ah … I can’t do it. I can’t say it. You don’t want to hear this,” he said, rubbing his eyes like he was about to reveal his darkest secret.
“Come on, let’s hear it, we're all friends here!” one man roared, breaking the ice.
“Okay, Sir; you're right. We are all friends. So, I notice all of the other dudes' eyes darting around with suspicion. It was weird, I mean really weird. Then something completely unexpected happened.”
He paused.
“I had an erection.”
The laughter bounced off the floor and hit the ceiling.
“I had forgotten all about the pill I had taken, and could only think about how long it had been since I was with a woman, and now, here I am sitting in a lobby full of men in full arousal. I mean, sweat is rolling down my forehead as I forced myself to stare at the floor. I tried to think of anything that would curtail my malfunction.”
The laughter kept going, and someone close by was banging the table with their fists.
“I thought about the Golden Girls, taking out the trash, the last time I had the flu or vomited at a party. I thought about all of my fears of flying, climbing up in high places, scaling a cliff, or being out on a blind date with a buck-toothed wart-faced girl, but nothing was working. To make matters worse, it seemed like every one was staring at me, and I took a glance at some of them. They all seemed as uncomfortable as me. Except one guy; he seemed pretty okay with it.”
They were still laughing. I can’t believe this is working. Thank you, alcohol!
“So, I grabbed my jacket, held it over my crotch, and quietly slunk outside. I jumped into my car and never looked back. No way was a hundred bucks worth that. It wasn’t until years later that I finally put it all together, when I started seeing all of those Viagra and Cialis commercials. I can tell you this much: they work. Just make sure you don’t take them around the wrong group of people.”
The audience was in an uproar of laughter. Wow, Dan thought. He had them going. He had done well, and it felt good, making a room full of people laugh. No, it felt great.
“Man, I feel better getting that out. You guys are a great bunch of friends. Say, what’s up with all of the tattoos you see these days? I mean, when I was growing up it was a rare thing. I always thought tattoos were for bikers, sailors, and prisoners. I mean, you come to expect that from the tough guys of the world, but not from some college kid who’s wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt and a pair of Buckle jeans. I mean, are the tattoos supposed to make you look tougher in your designer clothes? Sheesh.”
&nb
sp; The laughter that filled the room had subsided. Things had quieted down.
“I mean, I don’t get it. You get a tattoo one night—so you can what—talk about it for a week and show it off to the girls, then it’s gone? It’s kinda stupid if you ask me. I mean, what if you decide you want to run for President one day? Who’s going to take you seriously?”
Things were getting really quiet in the audience.
“And what is with all of these women getting a tramp stamp? I mean, what’s that say, 'I’m easy, slutty, or I don’t have any self-confidence or common sense'? What do you tell your kid when they ask you one day, ‘Mommy, why do you have a butterfly there?’ I mean, if you want a guy’s attention, just do what the normal girls do … get a boob job. At least you can take them out.”
The cheers were turning to jeers, but Dan didn't notice. He was on a roll. He pressed the issue.
“I mean, sometimes I think poor guys get tattoos to impress girls, but guess what? Fellas, she’s gonna take the not-so-handsome, scrawny rich guy over you, anyway. If you want to impress the rich girls, spend your money on a lottery ticket, not ink.”
Some people were booing and cursing. Others were beginning to get up from their tables. As Dan gave the crowd a closer inspection, he began to realize there were more with tattoos than not. Oh shit!
“Anyhow, I see a lot of you have tattoos, so I can only assume you’ve been in the Navy, part of a biker gang, or been to prison, so I’m pretty sure my comments couldn’t have offended a tough crowd like you. My name’s Dan Hall. It’s been a pleasure.”
The applause was minimal as Dan slipped off the stage and headed toward the back of the room. He wanted to leave, but as he looked around the crowd had moved on, and the next act was lining up. He decided to stick around, hoping maybe he’d learn a thing or two.
CHAPTER 17
Arnold was back on the stage and taking command.
“Tonight we have with us a man who we all know pretty well. He’s one of the funniest guys I’ve ever known, and it’s always a pleasure to have him back. Please give a nice round of applause for the one and only Sweet Willie James!”
From out of the crowd, onto the stage came a black man in a dark suit and a thin tie. His smile wasn’t really friendly, but it was an attention getter. He tipped his hat back as he reached for the microphone. Willie’s voice was deep, and it cut through the crowd like a knife.