“Delicious.”
“It feels like you’re making love to me.” His voice was husky, thick, not just from sex.
I paused, glancing up. “Is that a problem?”
“Nobody ever has before. It’s so good.”
His emotional nakedness stripped me to the bone. Before I knew it, I was naked, too. Max fumbled in his bedside drawer and got out a condom. I rolled it on for him and then pulled him upright. It felt like we needed to do this together. Sinking onto his lap, I watched his face as he pushed into me, an agony of pleasure, the brightest sunrise in his parted lips. Max wrapped his arms tight around me and I held him just as hard, wrapping my legs around his back, too. I’d never had anyone inside me like this, not ever, sexually, emotionally; he was everything, everywhere, and we strained together, fighting for more, deeper, better—yes.
“Like that?” he breathed. “Oh, fuck. Courtney.”
My breasts rubbed against his chest while he pulled me into him. He worked my ass in his hands, cupping, squeezing, and I was so hot, unable to stop thinking, Max, this is Max inside me, Max— We came together, shuddering, and I remembered how the French called this the little death. Yet my heart beat on, for him.
Always, for him.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The next morning, it was late when I rolled out of Max’s bed.
I woke alone, my clothes still strewn all over his floor, mingling with his dirty laundry. Which was gross but also kind of weirdly sweet. You are in so deep if you think his sweaty socks are adorable. After getting dressed, I could not resist the urge to straighten up his room.
It wasn’t that I was trying to mother him, but if he expected me to spend time in here, there would have to be some changes or OCD would make my head explode. Quietly I tiptoed around, sorting his clothes by clean and dirty, and yeah, I did the sniff test, which should’ve made me want to dump Max immediately. The fact that it didn’t struck me as worrisome.
After I put his laundry in the hamper, I tucked it away in the closet, then I started on his clutter. I organized music, movies and games as made sense to me, expecting him to burst in any minute and ask what the hell I was doing. It’s helpful, I told myself. I’m helping. He’ll see that, right? Making the bed properly only took a couple of minutes, then I dusted his bedside table, chest and shelves, though I couldn’t call myself satisfied until I vacuumed in here.
I ventured out, not cautious exactly, but I still froze when Max came down the hall toward me. “You look guilty.”
Biting my lip, I gave up on the idea of ever keeping a secret from him. “Uh. Surprise?”
“Wow. I haven’t seen the carpet in three months. It’s still beige, huh?” That wasn’t a horrible reaction, I guessed. He seemed more amused than upset.
“If you want me to have sex with you in there again,” I whispered, “then it has to stay that way. Last night was an aberration...and it was dark.”
“Hey, I picked up some dirty clothes last night.”
I grinned, going on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek. “You only got the first layer, it’s like you’re trying to make topsoil or something.”
“When you put it that way, it sounds supergross. Let’s do laundry later.” Max followed me to the kitchen, wrapping his arms about my waist to snuggle me from behind.
Angus was making pancakes in the kitchen. He cracked a huge grin, pointing his spatula at me. “Somebody got lucky last night.”
“Was it your mom?”
“Doubtful. She prefers sculpting and charity work. Don’t try to change the subject.”
Opening my eyes anime wide, I protested, “I’m not. I’m genuinely concerned about your mother’s sex life.”
“I already told him we’re together, don’t let him give you a hard time.” As Angus ladled out another hotcake, Max kissed my ear.
I shivered slightly. “That’s your job?”
“Got that right.”
“I can see you washed the dishes. Did you apologize, too?” It seemed best to confirm, though if Angus was still mad at Max, I suspected I’d know by now.
He nuzzled my neck. “Of course. For some reason I’m in a fantastic mood today.” Releasing me, he ambled over to the fridge and spelled out You Drive Me Wild with the fridge magnets. Not content with that, Max added I Want You.
Angus sighed. “Clearly we need some PDA rules. If I ever come across you two screwing around in the common areas, I will hose you down like dogs.”
Laughing, I said, “That’s fair. I’m pretty sure we can confine our lust to Max’s room.”
“Speak for yourself. The minute Angus goes to Del’s, we’re doing it in his bed.”
“I hate you so much,” Angus muttered.
“Wrong. Or you wouldn’t be making enough food for everyone.” Max went over to mess up Angus’s hair, something he hated.
“Get off me, you asshole.” Angus hip-checked him into the counter while flipping a flapjack. I considered that fairly impressive multitasking.
“God, y’all are loud.” Kia stumbled out of our room wearing a cranky look. “I don’t care who’s hooking up with who, I need actual sleep.” She brightened up when she realized breakfast was in the works. “Ooh, pancakes.”
Turning to her with a smile, Angus ordered us around like a boss. “They’re almost ready. Courtney, can you get the eggs out of the oven? Max, set the table.”
“Wow, this is fancy.” When Nadia lived here, we did this sort of thing a lot more often, as she and Angus were more domestic than Max and me.
“I figured we should try talking to each other once a week or so.”
Kia smirked at Angus. “Boy, you sound just like my mama. If you guilt me about family time, I won’t even notice I left home.”
Though she was joking, I could tell it was a nice surprise for her to wake up to a home-cooked meal. I got the potholders and delivered an egg casserole thing to the table. It had bacon in it, but since Angus was health-conscious, it would be turkey, not pork. I was mostly lapsed, religion-wise, but sometimes I felt bad for abandoning most of our family traditions. But this wasn’t time to think about parental disapproval and disappointment.
Max had plates, silverware and napkins laid out, so I added margarine and syrup. Kia sat down wearing a bemused look as Angus delivered the pancakes.
“Do you need something?” she asked him.
I laughed.
Angus shook his head. “I used to cook more before things got so...good with Del. In fact we used to eat dinner together whenever we could.”
“You know that’s kinda weird, right?” But it didn’t stop her from digging into the food.
“What is?” Max asked.
“Building a little surrogate family when people are only together to make rent and may move along as soon as the lease runs out.”
Okay, it was weird for me to be the one fielding this since I wasn’t typically superemotional, but... “That may be true, but if we get to be friends instead of just roommates, then I can count on you. And vice versa. Even after you go your own way, I’ll still come when you call. I’d do the same for Nadia, she’s downstairs now, and I don’t see her as much as I did when she was in my room, but when she left, it didn’t change anything.”
“And if Lauren needed me,” Angus put in, “I’d be on the first plane to Kansas.”
From behind my hand, I corrected, “Nebraska.”
“Lack of geographic accuracy doesn’t negate my point.”
“Sustained,” Max said.
Angus grabbed his spoon and started singing Diana Ross, “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me,” while I harmonized on backup. Max couldn’t carry a tune in a bag, but he chimed in on the chorus after hearing us run through it a couple times.
“Okay, I’m starting to get it.” Kia glanced between us, her smile warm if slightly bewildered. “How much time do I have to put in? Because I already don’t sleep a whole lot.”
“This is enough,” I answered.
“What is?”
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“Hanging out on Sunday morning, goofing with us and eating pancakes.”
She grinned. “It’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it. Angus, these are fab, seriously. Everything is. The last time I ate this well, it was in a restaurant.”
Beaming at her, he said, “Flattery will definitely get you fed more often.”
“Why doesn’t that work for me?” Max wondered aloud.
“Because you’re a pig who refuses to do the dishes on time, drinks from the carton and leaves wet towels on our bathroom floor.”
“Are you gonna let him talk to me that way?” Max nudged me with his knee under the table, rubbing his leg against mine.
“But...that’s all true. So...uhm. Wow, Angus, you sure are painfully honest. Stop it right now, seriously. Max is a fragile flower who needs lying kindness to bloom. Or something.”
Kia asked, “Are you sure you two are really a couple? I mean, I noticed your bed was empty last night and all but if I’d fucked with Duncan like that—”
“Duncan was a douche canoe,” Angus cut in. “The polar opposite of a dreamboat.”
I nodded. “Never met the guy, but from everything you’ve said, I tend to agree. Sounds like he didn’t have much sense of humor, either.”
She sighed, her fork hovering in midair. “The stories I could tell. I can’t believe I wasted two years on him.”
“Why did you?” Max wanted to know.
“At first, it was the status,” she admitted.
“Huh?” That wasn’t what I expected to hear.
“He was fine, drove an expensive car. And when I walked in at his side, I felt like somebody. With Duncan, there were never any lines, no club we couldn’t get into. He didn’t think anything of hopping in the private plane and flying us somewhere for the weekend.”
Wow. Racking my brain, I couldn’t remember much about her ex, except that he came from a conservative family in the Bible belt. And obviously he had money, based on what she was saying. “Yeah, I can see how that would be appealing at first.”
Max made a game-show buzzer sound. “Wrong answer. Your not-at-all rich boyfriend reminds you how much cooler it is to earn things.”
God, it seemed like he might never get tired of claiming ownership like that, and to be honest, it gave me a happy little thrill, too. The sweetness rushed over me until I could barely think, so I just reached for his hand under the table while offering a half smile. Kia cleaned her plate quietly, obviously pensive, and Angus was good at reading the mood. I suspected we all understood that she had more to say.
“Eventually, though...” I prompted.
“I got sick of his entitlement, the way he was raised to believe the world revolved around him and never questioned it. In his mind, I should’ve been happy just being with him, like an accessory. He treated my dreams like nothing, like it’s vanity that I’m busting ass to get into med school. And let’s not even get started on the way he tried to vet my friends.”
“Sounds like you’re still pretty pissed off at him,” Angus said.
“I guess I am. Little boys have no place in my life, and he wasted so much of my time. Though there were moments I thought maybe he’d grow up fast enough to make it right.”
“I’m not making excuses for him, but it can be hard to break away from family expectations,” I said quietly. “I did it, but every time I go home, I hear about how far I am from where my parents want me to be, all the ways I’m letting them down. And what’s worse is, they’re not trying to be assholes. It always comes couched in genuine concern.”
Kia tilted her head. “My mama’s not like that. My dad, either. They’re both crazy proud of how well I’m doing. Sophomore year, I almost flunked out from skipping school so much. I didn’t think there was any way I’d get to college, so why even try? But my mama put me in a volunteer program at the hospital, trying to show me how many people had it worse than me.”
“And that’s when you realized you wanted to be a doctor?” Max asked.
She grinned, slightly sheepish. “Hells no. I was mad for six months. I had to deliver and read mail, feed people who couldn’t hold a spoon, and I wasn’t even getting paid.”
“So what was your big defining moment?” Angus wondered aloud.
She’d told me about her older brother, but I was curious what she’d say now, plus he’d asked Kia, not me. So I kept quiet.
“When I was a kid, my older brother was shot. Died on the operating table. That’s part of why I started skipping school. Darrell was smart, you know? He would’ve had a bright future.”
“I’m sorry,” Angus murmured.
“Me, too. So anyway, fast forward to the volunteer program. They asked me to deliver a message to the ER, something that wasn’t even on my to-do list, as I worked mostly with elder care and long-term patients. But I liked the woman in charge, so I didn’t bitch. Ended up at the desk when a GSW came in. Blood everywhere, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Darrell. But the doctor on duty was so calm, so capable, and she got everything under control so fast, brought order to the chaos. I wanted to be her.”
As it turned out, she’d only told me part of the story. I liked learning the rest. “And now you’re making it happen. Fuck Duncan for not getting it.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Kia said.
We raised our OJ glasses and toasted. To lighten the atmosphere, I changed the subject. “So I have news.”
Max shot me a curious look but he already knew. Everyone was excited to find out about the band, and I promised to keep them posted about our schedule. “But I’m pretty sure it’ll be weeks, if not months, before I’m good enough for an actual performance.”
Kia tilted her head. “You want to be a rock star? Sex, drugs, all that. Is that why your parents disapprove?”
Maybe it was time I stopped clutching my dreams to my chest, hiding them like faded prom corsages I’d pressed in an old scrapbook. “Actually...”
Hesitating, I remembered sitting at Eli’s bedside while we created the business plan. I still had the notebook with the figures written neatly in Eli’s best accounting style, including studio time, marketing, production and engineering fees, PR, artwork, website design, accountant and legal fees, packaging, remixers and session musicians. At one point, I knew exactly how my future looked—with Eli beside me every step of the way. We’d been together since we were kids; there was no reason for me to imagine anything else.
A wistful feeling stole over me, not the anguish that left me hollowed out like a Russian stacking doll. For once, thinking of him didn’t bring his voice to life in my head. A few months back, the silence would’ve made me melancholy. Yet the idea of losing Eli’s echo seemed inevitable now, not a fate worse than death. Maybe I was getting better. Despite my mother’s compulsive fear, I no longer had the urge to eat sleeping pills and dream my life away.
With a small smile, I told everyone about my indie music label idea, omitting Eli entirely.
There were only Max’s fingers wrapped around mine, encouraging me to continue, warm and rough, completely real. He’s here, he’s healthy. He cares about me. To anyone else, those might seem like small things but from where I’d been, the brightness felt miraculous.
“Not to be crass, but that’ll require start-up money,” Angus pointed out.
I nodded. “I have some in savings from my grandfather. So far, I haven’t touched it because my parents are paying my way. I know that makes me a princess.” Ducking my head, I couldn’t quite look at Max and Kia, who had things much tougher.
“I guess that makes me a queen,” Angus joked.
“Yeah, I go home to Chicago over the summer, I don’t get sent to Europe for three weeks.” I teased him a little. “And didn’t they pay for Del to go this time?”
“God, it was incredible. You haven’t lived until you’ve had morning coffee on the Seine. We found a lovely café on the Quai d’Orsay, all Belle Epoque with fabulous hammered silver—”
“You realize so
me of us have never even been on a plane,” Max cut in.
“Seriously?” Angus asked.
Since Max tended to joke around, I understood Angus’s skepticism. But I’d learned to read him over the years, and he wasn’t kidding about this. I hadn’t known this either, though. No reason for Angus to feel bad. But on closer consideration, it made sense. Leaving home at sixteen didn’t exactly offer a ton of vacation opportunities. For years he’d focused on working and getting his GED. After that, it was probably a constant battle to make tuition payments.
“Yeah. My old man wasn’t big on family trips when we were kids.”
It would’ve taken away too much time from the drinking, I thought.
Before the others could dig into his past, I stood up, positive he didn’t want other people knowing as much as I did. “I’ll wash up. Kia, feel free to go back to sleep.”
She smiled at me. “I have some reading to do, but thanks. You, too, Angus.”
When she went into our room and closed the door, I felt like we were a few steps closer to being actual friends. That brightened my mood.
As I started clearing, Angus kicked my happy up another notch when he hugged me. “You’re the best, you know that? Del’s coming over later and I wasn’t sure how I’d get this place cleaned up fast enough to still have time to deliver my usual level of hotness.”
“Please, you’re fantastic even when you’re sweaty-gross from housework.”
“That’s enough of that,” Max said, elbowing between us.
“You’re not allowed to be jealous when Courtney flirts with me,” Angus complained. “It’s harmless fun...and great for my ego.”
“Bullshit. I can be, all the time if I want. I’m jealous of her sheets.”
“You’re so weird.” When Max came into the kitchen with a load of plates, I kissed him to show my approval of his brand of bizarre-love.