“Oh, God,” he murmured, right in my ear. “I could stand to hear that again.”
“Keep it up. Out here I can be as loud as I want.”
“Challenge accepted.”
Though I was ready to fall into the longing, an old question niggled at me, and it wasn’t idle curiosity. Max had said hurting women during sex was a hot button for him before we got together, and I needed to know why, since I wasn’t opposed to rough play, but I didn’t want to trigger any flashbacks, either.
“Can I ask you something, knowing it may impact the mood?”
His lips stilled on my neck. “Now I’m worried.”
“It’s about something you said. I made a sex joke about not being able to walk—”
“Oh. I figured you might bring it up eventually. You’re too attentive to just forget.” He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, settling me against him. “That’s both amazing and alarming. I bet you know what my favorite cereal is.”
“Lucky Charms,” I said promptly.
“My point exactly. I guess you already know this, but...my first year away from home completely sucked. The motel I stayed at charged by the hour, and I got...friendly with the girls who worked there.”
I had no idea if he was telling me he’d slept with hookers, so I just kept quiet, glad he couldn’t see my face. Nothing could make me stop caring about Max but a frisson of fear surfaced about what he might tell me. It seemed like he was waiting for some kind of response.
“Yeah?”
He went on. “They were good to me. I was living on fast food because it was free, completely rudderless and half-crazy worried about Mickey. Charlene used to bring me tuna casserole because she said I’d die of malnutrition eating only where I worked. And eventually I got to the point that I couldn’t choke down a burger without wanting to hurl.”
Quietly I covered his hands with mine. He clutched like this was unexpectedly hard to talk about. “She sounds nice.”
“Most of them were. It was weird, but...they mothered me.”
Picturing that, I had to smile. Trust Max to charm a bunch of working girls into wanting to take care of him. “I’m not surprised.”
“In return, I paid attention, listened for trouble when I was around. One night after my shift, I heard screaming. Didn’t even think about it, just ran up and kicked the door in.” I felt a tremor run through him. “There were three assholes with Charlene, and it wasn’t a package deal. Her eyes, she couldn’t even see, and she was bleeding—”
“What happened?”
“I got the shit kicked out of me, but the assistant manager called the cops, and they prevented it from turning into a murder scene.” From his bleak tone, I couldn’t imagine how bad it was. “There was no way I could stay down and watch them finish gang-raping her. So no matter how much it hurt, I got up again. I couldn’t see, couldn’t fucking breathe, and I could only think, Fuck, at least life with my dad trained me for this. I know how to take a punch.”
“Oh, Max.” My heart ached; I’d never imagined his hot button could possibly be this bad.
“What happened afterward?”
“The police rounded us all up, asked questions. I bailed before they realized I was underage and limped off to a free clinic. And I had to pay for the fucking door.” Wry tone.
“Wow. When you say life completely sucked, you weren’t exaggerating.”
“Later, one of those assholes tried to stab me.” He showed me the scar on the back of his hand. “And that was when Charlene had a come-to-Jesus talk with me. It was her way of thanking me, I think.”
“That’s when you started thinking about the future?”
“Before then, I was just trying to survive. I figured I’d die alone in some shitty room.” He paused, kissing the top of my head. “I’m not telling this to make you feel sorry for me. But...it does affect some parts of my psyche, if I can say that without sounding like a weirdo. I’ll never want to tie you up. I’ll never be into anything that will hurt you, even a little.”
“That would be a problem if I wanted you to.”
“You don’t?”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry, we’re good. But I’m glad you told me. I feel like I understand you better now.”
“How so?”
“The way you are. You’ve seen too much of women being disrespected so you’re trying to make up for it.” What other people saw as Max being a player, flirting with everyone, was more like him paying compliments to offer some good to balance the bad in the world. A lot of women wanted to sleep with him as a result, and sometimes he did. But libido didn’t drive his behavior; that was kind of interesting.
“That’s not how I’d characterize my behavior freshman year,” Max said.
“No?”
“Honestly?”
“Preferably.”
“I came to college on my own. No parents dropping me off. No car load of stuff.” His words conjured a poignant picture. “I...asked Charlene to come with me, but she couldn’t. She said I was better off without her, not that I necessarily agree.”
“Do you still talk to her?”
“Freshman year, I called her but she stopped answering.” His tone told me it bothered him. In his experience, people only got close, hurt you and bailed. No wonder he’d freaked out over me pulling away. “Before I left, she told me not to look back.”
I fought the urge to turn and hug him. That wouldn’t make it easy for him to keep talking, though. I suspected the fact that I couldn’t see his face helped. “So...college?”
“Yeah. I had exactly what I could fit on my bike. And I was scared. Nervous. Lonely. So I figured it would be better to seem overconfident, you know? I kept trying to connect but I never got past a few hours in bed. A few months of that and word got around. ‘Don’t take that asshole seriously, he just wants to hook up’. Which wasn’t necessarily true, but—”
“It’s hard to change a reputation once the damage is done.” I knew that especially well. To this day, it hurt that anyone could believe I’d take advantage of someone who wasn’t coherent enough to consent to sex.
“So anyway. You asked.” He let out a deep, shuddering breath. Then he continued in a wondering tone, “You know...I think I saw some of Charlene in Lauren.”
“Huh?” That seemed really odd and unlikely.
I felt him nod against my head. “Nobody else ever noticed, but to me, Lauren always seemed like she needed saving.”
“Interesting. I didn’t know her that well.” For the first time in forever, I could talk about her with him without wanting to chew through my own arm. I’d played confidante so often, listening to his ideas on how to make her realize he was serious.
“I got beat up over her, too. Another thing she has in common with Charlene.” Rueful tone, as he carried my hand to his mouth to press a kiss into my palm. “You’re the first woman I ever fought for when I wasn’t in rescue mode.”
“That’s good because I’m not a damsel. I can take care of myself.” Privately I wondered about the Lauren-related altercation, but I’d already gotten all the truth I could handle tonight. Changing the subject seemed like the best option. “So...did I ruin our first official date?”
“Nope. But I need to move.”
“Am I crushing you?”
“Nah. I just need to see your face.”
Max shifted me forward and we wriggled around until I ended up in his arms on my side. He drew me closer by draping a thigh over mine. I slid my arm across his waist, conscious of the sound of the water, the insects chirping, but also of the warm rush of his breath over my face and the thump of his heart against mine.
“I’ve never told anyone about that,” he said softly.
“I’m glad you did.”
The idea of Max being hurt filled me with a wild and impotent rage. I couldn’t get the image out of my head: three grown men, pummeling him, kicking him, blood everywhere, and Max staggering to his feet, again and again. Beautifully unbreakable. I cou
ld learn so much from him—so much about determination. Shame trickled through me that I’d hit one hurdle and given up so quickly, taken so long to find my spark again.
“There’s nothing I won’t answer, if you ask me.”
“Ooh. How can I resist? Have you ever thought about being with a guy?” It was the kind of question that told you a lot about the person answering it.
“I’ve kissed one,” Max said unexpectedly.
I propped up on an elbow, simultaneously surprised and slightly turned on. “Really?”
“Last year at one of Josh’s parties. You know how he likes to play Suckface Trivia?”
Vaguely I recalled him as being Angus’s ex-boyfriend, the one who’d cheated. I’d never participated but he’d enjoyed rounding up the drunk and/or high people and orchestrating random, interesting make-out sessions. Sometimes it got unexpectedly heated between apparently incompatible partners. I was curious about Max’s experience.
“You were drunk enough to get a simple answer wrong?”
“Yep. It was a crappy night and you weren’t around.” His plaintive tone made me kiss the top of his nose.
“So who did you kiss?”
“Josh.”
“Wow, was Angus pissed?” This must’ve been before the cheating confession.
“Nah. I didn’t French him or anything.”
“Cheek or mouth?”
“Mouth.”
“How come?”
He lifted one shoulder with a shy smile. “I didn’t want to wimp out.”
“How was it?”
“It was fine. But no sparks, if that’s what you’re asking. I hate to disappoint but we’re not a bi couple. Though I was dead serious when I said I’d want you even if you were a guy. I’d figure out how to make it work.”
“You’d be gay for me?”
“I’d be anything for you,” he whispered.
“Talk like that will get you in my pants.”
“That’s the dream.”
In answer, I sat up and pulled my top off. I was prepared tonight with a pretty set of matching underwear. Nothing supersexy, but the black satin looked great against my skin, plus it was probably a surprise under the cargo pants and concert T-shirts. Max stared up at me, his mouth open, then he ran a fingertip between my breasts, lingering over the tiny bow between, and then he traced my bellybutton, admiring the small silver ring with a delicate touch.
“This working for you?”
His throat worked. “In a big way. Your skin is...glowing. Moonlight. Here. And here.” He kissed where he touched, bringing back the shivers.
“Please get naked,” I said. “I want to fuck you in the worst way.”
“God, yes.” He was down to boxer briefs in, like, fifteen seconds.
Not that I was counting. Okay, I was totally counting.
If anyone had told me I’d be naked in the woods with Max Cooper, I would’ve said they were bananas. But I couldn’t be happier about it. He knelt before me, almost like a penitent, but his dark eyes blazed as he lowered his head to the tops of my breasts. He didn’t need to push for me to fall back. I’d fantasized about this before, but it was so much better than my imagination to have Max’s mouth on my nipples, his black hair slipping over my skin. He used lips and tongue with only the barest hint of teeth to get me writhing on the blanket, clutching his head as I stared up at the ocean of stars. I’d meant for us to get to the fucking because his emotional honesty revved me up, but it seemed I was getting foreplay, the extended cut. Pleasure crashed through me, so much tension in my thighs and calves that I might actually cramp up. As if he sensed it, Max shifted lower, an arm across my stomach to hold me still. He licked down my ribs, which tickled a little, then he nuzzled at my navel, toying with my ring.
“You like that?” I managed to ask.
His voice came out hoarse. “It’s incredibly sexy. Like you.”
“Mmm.”
He didn’t linger long. Soon he was driving me crazy with his mouth on my lower belly, so close, but not close enough. Impatient, I touched my breasts, not to tease him, but because it felt good, but he stared, riveted, forgetting momentarily to keep kissing me.
“Never saw a woman take the reins before?” I teased.
“You are so hot.”
“I just know what I want.”
“What’s that?” He shifted to my inner thigh, licking upward, until I was shivering in anticipation.
As I opened my mouth to answer, he parted my labia with gentle fingers. I gasped out the answer, lifting my hips. “You. For so long, it’s been you.”
“I can’t stand the thought of anyone else looking at you.” As he spoke, he kissed. Licked. Nuzzled. I arched with a whimper that blossomed into a full moan. “Touching you. Courtney, you have to be mine.”
“I am.”
“Mine.” As he growled it, he sucked on each of my lips in turn, teasing me.
The next shift made me see stars. “That’s it.”
“Here?” He increased the pressure, working me with lips and fingertips, until my pulse pounded in my clit. I tingled and ached, a sea of heat rising with each movement.
“No,” I gasped. “Courtney. That’s the endearment. You always called me Kaufman before. So...I don’t need anything else. Just my name.”
“You want me to say your name?” Max hooked a finger inside me, lowering his head to rub his tongue against my clit.
“Yeah. Yes.” The last word came out in a near hiss, more in response to the steady rhythm in my pussy than his question.
“Courtney.” He spoke the word straight into my core and it shouldn’t have turned me on as much as it did. I went white-hot as he licked harder, faster, while finger-fucking me slowly. Like I was too tender for words, he eased another inside, so it was better and fuller, but still not enough. I wanted his cock so bad that I couldn’t think or breathe.
I raised my hips, only thinking about the orgasm. “Faster.”
“Are you close?”
“Mmm.”
“Then...” He stopped, prompting a snarl of frustration.
“Dammit!”
But when I heard the crinkle of the condom wrapper, my interrupted sex-rage abated. I helped him roll it on, noticed how incredibly hard he was, but he didn’t let me touch him for very long. Though I’d love to study his dick close up for several hours, it wouldn’t be tonight. Max was actually trembling when he rolled on top of me.
“Sorry. I keep trying to rock your world, but I can never wait. Maybe next time—”
“No, this is good. It’s good now. Please. Please.” I urged him forward as I opened my legs and he pushed home in one thrust.
Immediately, I lifted my hips, breathless at the feel of Max. There was no way he could be just a warm body to me, faceless pleasure. There was too much of his soul twined with mine, so each time he moved, I felt him so deep in me that my heart pounded with his. He wrapped his arms around, holding me so close he could barely move but somehow it made the sporadic, desperate lunges feel even deeper. His belly slid against mine, his cock slick as he thrust. I held onto him as hard as I could, need spiraling.
“Come on.” A hard thrust. Two fingers on my clit. “Take it, Courtney.” Max groaning my name into my mouth sent me over, a ferocious orgasm tightening my thighs.
He throbbed but he didn’t come. Somehow he held on for three or four more strokes, then he let go, collapsing on top of me as the waves rocked him. I held him and stroked his back until our shivers subsided. Eventually he groaned and rolled away, seeking blindly for the light blanket folded on top of the basket. Still unsteady, he pulled it over us and I snuggled into his side.
“So...you said you might crit my performance,” he said dreamily. “And I’m in a receptive mood. Any feedback?”
“Yeah.” Evilly, I paused long enough to get him to open his eyes.
“Uh-oh.”
“Don’t worry about not being able to wait. There’s no time minimum on good sex. And because it’s y
ou, it’s consistently amazing.”
His arms tightened. “Keep talking, it’s making me feel like I can fly.”
“Hey, no jumping off high things. I need you beside me.”
“For you, I’ll desist.”
He kissed me so tenderly it brought to tears to my eyes. The whole world was washed in silver and gold—moonlight and Max’s skin. God, being this happy scared the shit out of me. For the first time in forever, I had something precious to lose. From deep down inside me, a tiny, cynical voice that didn’t belong to Eli quoted an old Robert Frost poem:
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Band rehearsals, school and Max kept me busy through September and October.
When Halloween rolled around, I was nervous because we got the Omega Chi gig, and it would be my first show. The others said it was no big deal, but my stomach roiled as I helped Evan unload the van. Racing Sorrow didn’t wear costumes but they did coordinate, so we were all in red-and-black in varying combinations. I had on black jeans, a red tank top, black leather jacket, red Converse. Dana laughed when she saw me because she’d gone for a similar look, only her jacket had silver studs on the shoulders.
“Admit it, you two compared notes,” Evan teased.
“At least we’re not pimptastic,” Dana shot back.
“Hey, I am rocking this look.”
We both shook our heads as Ji Hoo hopped out of the van in red skinny jeans and a black T-shirt. Evan wore black pants and blazer, black dress shirt underneath, with pops of color from his red combat boots and porkpie hat. Most guys couldn’t pull off that outfit but he gave it a certain panache. Taken together, we formed a cohesive group and I was happy we could manage it without resorting to matching jumpsuits.
“Let’s get set up.” Ji Hoo tended to be the most focused and he quietly put a stop to the playful bickering, a reminder that I had to be serious.
Yeah, this was just a frat party, but they were paying us four hundred dollars to play. I’d never earned money on my own before. Which made me sound really spoiled—and I probably was. In high school I spent all my spare time with Eli, and my parents never suggested I do anything else. Maybe that should’ve tipped me off as to how bleak our chances for a happy ending were. Most parents would be nagging about the future, but my folks never suggested I should back off, possibly because they’d realized I would go ballistic.