FAST-FORWARD 2012
FEARLESS PREDICTIONS AND PREVIEWS!
What will happen? Who will die? How many soap operas will be left on the daytime-TV landscape? Find out as Uncensored peers into our talkative, meth-y crystal ball.
All My Children — Happy Endings!
In a special primetime two-hour TV movie on ABC, viewers will finally learn what happened and who died!
• Turns out JR accidentally shot a network TV executive. And Dixie! (Hey, why screw around with a non-successful pattern?)
• Giving up on Jack, Erica hits it big in Hollywood as a soap opera star and runs into Dimitri Marick. The rest is history. Sorry, Jack; Erica, frankly, doesn’t give a damn about you, either!
• Angie buys a harmonica and moves to Genoa City. She leaves Jesse behind when she realizes she can’t forgive him for lying about their dead baby. “Plus, Genoa City needs me more — and there are more brothers and sisters to fool around with in this town.”
• Zach leaves Kendall for some crazy chick named Marty, who really needs to straighten her hair.
• On a roll, David resurrects Steve Jobs, Doug Marland, Bill Bell and Irna Phillips. Party at his house.
• The role of Bianca is reclaimed by Emmy winner Eden Riegel — proving ABC’s lesbians are still cuter!
The Bold and the Beautiful — Extremely Gay and Incredibly Incestuous
“Tensions abound for the Forresters [amongst] incredible love stories and power struggles,” teases showrunner Brad Bell.
• Running out of social issues to win Emmys with, Bell actually decides to finally tackle homosexuality with Brooke and Ridge’s son, R.J. Forrester. Yep, he falls in love with his cousin, Dino, Felicia’s son.
• Owen and Jackie reunite with the help of Fary Bjorlin.
• Amber does everything to come between Beverly and Rick. Tired of her meddling, Rick begins drinking, buys a gun, starts calling himself “Junior,” and referring to Amber as “Babe.”
• Brooke takes Stephanie to a tantric class to help her learn the art of sexual pleasure in an effort to seduce Eric. “Wow, you can really make a fire hydrant disappear,” marvels Stephers. “Winning,” responds Brooke.
• Running out of Logans, Nick falls for Hope! “Who’s your daddy, now?” pants Nick. Not too surprisingly, Jackie approves of her “Nicky’s” latest love interest. At the end of the year, Jackie finally beds the true object of her affections: her son, Nick. And he likes it; he really likes it.
• In order to get noticed by Brad Bell, Ashley Jones colours her hair again. This time, she’s sports purple tresses. Unfortunately, Bell says, “Did you do something different to your hair?”
• During sex, Bill’s sword necklace accidentally punctures Katie’s borrowed heart. In order to save her life again, Bill asks Donna to do everyone a favour and kill herself.
• Turns out Stephen Logan moves to Dallas — and learns it’s true what everyone says about daytime: It really is a dream!
• Forrester Creations goes under after Ridge decides gay scarves are the future of fashion. Heidi Klum cameos on the show to tell Ridge: “One day you’re out; and one day, you’re still out; now come out.”
• A new feud between Stephanie and former BFF Taylor ensues after the worst psychiatrist in the world falls in love with Eric. Taylor shrugs, “Hey, why not? I’ve been with every other Forrester man.” Later, Eric dumps Taylor after learning she’s older than Stephanie. “Damn, your plastic surgeon is good,” Eric says.
• Amber does us all a favour and moves back to Genoa City.
• Deacon hits L.A. to use Hope to bring down the Forresters. And considers sleeping with her. And does.
• Bill lobbies against SOPA for the sake of Spencer Publications’ online ventures. Silas Kain blows him in appreciation!
• Alas, Brad Bell doesn’t win his fourth consecutive Emmy Award for Outstanding Drama Series. When One Life wins, Bell goes ballistic and calls time-travelling expert, Delbert Fina, with a plan.
Days of our Lives — The Soap With The Dragon Appendages!
Co-head writer Darrel Ray Thomas previews, “There will be a lot of explosions in the new year in Salem. A lot of the seeds that we planted in September are going to burst through the ground. There will be payoffs to stories that we started in the fall.”
• Lucas returns to help Sami through yet another low point in her life. When he learns his son is gay, Lucas says, “That proves it: Will is Austin’s kid! What is this — One Life to Live? I’m outta here!”
• Nadia Bjorlin returns to DAYS as a reinvented Chloe, who fights Madison for Brady’s heart. And other body parts. A successful opera singer once again, Chloe’s manager, Divina Callas, played by Mama Bjorlin, falls for Stefano. “Darlink….” In related news, Brandon Beemer moves to New York City.
• To get back at Sami, Will drugs EJ and sleeps with his former stepdad. “I had to take one for the team,” defends Will to Sonny. “Does that make me Lucas?” cringes Sonny. The ghost of James Reilly returns to revisit one of his most outrageous storylines yet: Will learns he’s pregnant with EJ’s baby! D’oh!
• Madison turns out to be Kate’s daughter with Ian Buchanan’s Ian McAllister.
• Another Horton secret exposed: viewers are stunned to learn the increasingly secret Alice was funnelling money to Syrian President Bashar al-Asad. Later, Hope learns Alice dated Ron Paul back in the day.
• Hope and Bo finally deal with Zach’s death. To honour their fallen son’s memory, Hope creates a pendant in his honour exclusively provided by Kristian Alfonso’s Hope Faith Miracles collection. Later, Hope decides to leave police work permanently when her jewellery business takes off. Her biggest hit? A collection of “c*ck rings” inspired by Bo! Pissed off, Sami launches her own workout video and writes a book: The Slutty Mommy Diaries.
• Oddly, Lisa Rinna never shares a scene with Peter Reckell upon her return. She’s later fired!
• John and Marlena have sex in front of Will to make sure he’s really gay. “Yep, that’s just gross,” Will says. “Are you sure? We can do it again… but this time with strawberries,” offers Marlena.
• Abby and Austin embark on a torrid sexual affair as Carrie and Rafe inch closer together. The combined affairs tear loyalties apart in Salem. However, Christie Clark and Galen Gering continue to share no absolutely no chemistry whatsoever.
• Speaking of Christie Clark, the age defying star invests in a few acting classes. And Patrick Muldoon comes out publicly as a “surfer dude.”
• Ian Buchanan arrives in Salem and it’s revealed that he’s the real Roman Brady. See ya, Josh Taylor! Even with his British accent and swish, he’s a more believable Roman Brady than Ken Corday’s BFF, Taylor!
• Kate gets a much-needed makeover — without any bright-coloured extensions and ugly clothes.
• Missing Nadia, Brandon Beemer brings back Shawn Douglas. Belle? Bree Williamson plays her. Also, a newly dyed Farah Fath hits town to break the couple up, Stacy-style!
• Compromising pictures surface of Casey Van Deidrick and Chandler Massey together in bed in the National Enquirer. “How’s my hair?” Casey asks. “How are my pecs?” asks Chandler.
• When NBC tries to cancel DAYS, Molly Burnett’s black belt in karate comes in handy. She dropkicks the peacock executives in a single move — and Salem is saved for another two years. Meanwhile, executive producer Ken Corday is still golfing in Hawaii and has no clue what’s happening on his show. As a reward, Sony/NBC seriously considers hiring Burnett as its newest Wonder Woman. Burnett, instead, demands Sony stock instead. Wise move, Molly.
General Hospital — South West General, Baby!
Since GH has replaced the two hacks who shall not be named (Jill Farren Fuck-Up and Garin Scabber), no comment from new showrunners, Frank Valentini and Ron Carlivati, were made available to the press. Well, except for, “Long live, Llanview — and Frat Row!”
• Lexi Ainsworth reclaims Kristina! Kristen Alderson j
oins the show as a Serena recast. Kim Shriner also returns.
• A full-fledged, juicy triangle plays out involving JaSam and Liason! Ratings skyrocket but fans battle on Twitter/Facebook. Good times.
• Robin doesn’t die of AIDS. She moves to Paris to get treatment, however. And enjoys lots of Freedom Fries.
• Sullen but hunky John McBain (who now, weirdly, sports fangs) hits town and falls hard for Sam. Sexy Téa joins her sex buddy to take down the mob. Finally, two smart justice-seeking pros eradicate the mob from Port Charles. Unemployed, Jason and Sonny admit their lust for each other and move to Fire Island leaving John as the only lead allowed to wear all black on the show.
• A mysterious man is spotted in Port Charles: Victor Lord Jr.
• In a special episode, GH airs a mobster musical, “Plug Me, Hard” starring Kristen Alderson. Exec Frank Valentini jumps for joy: “That’s our Emmy show!”
• Carlivati finally has a chance to write a popular rapemance: Luke and Laura when Genie Francis is on loan from Y&R. Forgetting which soap she’s on, the Emmy winner bites Tony Geary’s nose. He sues.
• Port Charles wakes up from a nightmare! Turns out the past five years were all a dream! Julie Marie Berman drops to her knees and screams, “Praise Jesus, er, Cartini!”
• Megan Ward returns as Kate Howard. Meanwhile, Kelly Sullivan continues to speak for Maurice Benard on fan podcasts.
• Spinelli turns out to be Sonny and Kate’s son. Carolyn Hennesy goes ballistic