The presentation continued on for hours, with vampires paying close attention and nervous peasants listening with tangible fear of what awaited. Dracula spoke on, droning for long durations of “breaking free from slavery to corporate nine-to-five hours, and the ability to take vacations whenever you like, as long as you periodically feed on the blood of the living,” and so on.
Ergo stifled a yawn, figuring the time was well past midnight. Oh, how he longed to be home again in warm California, reading his magician magazines and feeling the sweet breezes off the ocean, and not stuck in a stuffy conference room listening to an old, mind-warped companion ramble on about being a successful vampire organization and escaping the 45-year work plan simply by joining the leagues of the undead.
Dracula continued on as Ergo blinked away the boredom.
“Now, here’s the thing: sure, you can bring anyone into the vampire business by a quick bite to the neck. But not everyone is cut out to be a vampire… you need to be a motivated vampire, one who seeks to make himself, and his organization, a successful one. Most of you peasants here tonight were taken from your homes, imprisoned here, and then brought to this seminar by your vampiric host…”
Ergo looked around the room and saw a number of nervous-looking simple villagers nod fearfully while, seated next to them, their vampire hosts nodded malevolently with wicked grins.
“Well, we’re expecting great things from you, my peasant friends. After you’re all turned into vampires tonight, we want you to go back home to all of your family and friends and tell them all about the wonderful world of the undead and how much it means to you, and focus on building your organization with at least two more vampires. We have special binders for all of you that give step-by-step instructions of…”
And on and on Dracula yammered. Ergo comprehended the sheer ridiculousness of it — the evening had started out as one of sheer terror and transitioned to one of incredible boredom. Was it possible the message could span all the way to dawn? He stretched and wondered if it would be possible for him to sneak away to the washroom and out a window…
“And tonight,” Dracula continued, “I want to honor a special vampire who has really been working the business hard. I would like Angst Fink to please step forward!”
The room went insane with applause and cheers, and Angst stood up and stepped onto the dais.
“Angst has been at this for a long time now and has carefully been luring— I mean, introducing people to the vampire advantage with incredible skill.”
Angst smiled proudly. Ergo felt as if he had just swallowed a yogurt-coated caterpillar.
“One of his special abilities is to coat himself with an inhuman quantity of sunscreen, so that he can prospect during the day!”
Oohs and ahhhs rose from the audience, and Ergo understood then how Angst could be in the thrift shop in sunny California. All along he…
“In fact, tonight he’s brought with him a special prospect straight from America, from California!”
All eyes turned to face Ergo, hungrily. Dracula’s eyes seemed to be the hungriest.
“I’ve got this feelin’ that won’t subside. I look at Ergo and I think… what a wonderful addition to the vampire network organization he would be!”
There were cheers and applause and from behind Ergo a hideously terrifying woman with coifed hair and massive red eyes said to him, “What would you do if you could never grow old and never die, Ergo?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Ergo meekly.
“No, really, I insist on an answer. What would you do if you never grew old again?” With laser-like intensity, her creepy, leathery face and fixated gaze seemed to bore into his soul.
“I, uh, suppose I’d have to get a… more reliable car?” Ergo shrugged nervously and the room exploded with laughter.
“Oh, yes,” said the evil woman, “you could get a wonderful car to drive your undying body around to feed on the living.”
Ergo squirmed in his chair. He looked around the room and again saw all of the villagers’ desperate, terrified faces. Then his gaze fell upon Inge, who sat in the back row beside an enormous, plump vampire with a greasy black beard. She looked directly at Ergo, her eyes pleading for escape.
Ergo felt incredible pity for those peasants, drawn there against their will, their lives about to be destroyed by these merciless, hungry vampires. He turned around and faced Dracula, and a terrible idea formed in his mind. A terrible idea that just… might… work…
“I’m convinced!” he said out loud, and stood up. “I… I want to become a vampire, and I will be the most successful vampire ever. I know what people think of California, and they’d never think to associate that state with vampires, but I guarantee I can turn the whole state vampiric!”
All eyes widened in the audience, both the vampires’ and the peasants’.
Dracula appeared thrilled.
“But these… nervous peasants… they won’t do any good to the vampire organization. I mean, look at them!” Ergo looked around with a faux contempt. “They’re just commoners who don’t understand the true dynamic of the networking advantage. Get rid of them, and let ME drive the success of this business!”
“But don’t you think…?” Dracula started to protest.
Ergo strode over to Inge, who feigned revulsion at Ergo’s exuberance.
“Absolutely not. Half of them have fallen asleep!”
Inge followed the cue and bobbed her head sleepily.
He leaned in close and whispered quickly, “Get the villagers out of here.”
First she looked shocked, then she looked repulsed, and then she pushed at Ergo desperately and shrank away, cowering toward the other villagers.
“See?” Ergo pointed her out.
“Bah, the red fellow is right! Igor, get these useless peasants out of my castle! We have a far more valuable commodity here!” Dracula smiled eerily at Ergo.
The hunchy doorman escorted the fearful peasants from the room, all of whom were ignored by their vampire hosts. All eyes were fixed hungrily on Ergo.
“And now, let us initiate you…” Dracula began, but Ergo shook his head.
“I want to be the BEST vampire ever, so I need to understand the system perfectly,” Ergo stated boldly. “I know that I will be a huge success when I return home, but I need to see it again so I have it memorized. Can you spend more time explaining the model, please, and this time, take your time drawing out the triangular model… I need to fully understand this better if I’m going to be a grand champion in this network!”
Dracula smiled wickedly and was apparently more than willing to indulge a potential champion. So back he went to his whiteboard, where he went through his entire presentation again with far more zeal, including the pyramidic illustrations and dynamic hand gestures.
Ergo bided his time and asked tons of useless yet inquisitive questions, such as what happened if he transformed dozens of commoners into villagers but they didn’t do anything except occupy his garage, and things like that.
Dracula was happy to respond with details, and as he did Ergo tuned him out and planned his next course of action. In that way, Ergo bought a few more hours.
“And now, Ergo, it’s time for your initiation into the vampire organization. Your sponsor, Angst, will—”
“Wait a minute,” Ergo interrupted with pretend indignation, springing to his feet in anticipation of his next step. “Why Angst? Sure, he led me here from California, but who says he’s the best sponsor for me? I’m going to be bringing in thousands upon thousands of new vampire recruits with my dazzling personality and charisma, because I’m so jazzed about…” he looked around at all the faces in the audience. “Maybe he isn’t the best sponsor. Maybe one of YOU would be better.” He conjoured up a cheesy smile, and the watching vampires salivated at the prospect of Ergo in their organization.
“But, Ergo,” Dracula pleaded, “Angst is a perfectly worthy sponsor…”
“Let me tell you
something. I will be going door to door looking for new vampire recruits. I will turn all of my high school friends, and I have hundreds of friends…” Ergo almost choked on that mistruth, but he had his audience transfixed.
Faces stared at him, hungry eyes wide, mouths drooling.
Angst jumped up, frustrated. “Enough! I brought you here and I will be the one to claim your power!”
“Who says?” A burly vampire stood and pointed at Angst. “Why you? I say, let Ergo decide.” Turning to Ergo, he said, “If you join my organization, I will give you a daily phone call, to check on your progress and encourage you!”
“That’s nothing!” shouted a terrifying slender woman. “I will obsessively help you spend every waking hour of your life transforming people into vampires. I will show you how you can veer any conversation into a soul-draining chat about the vampire business…”
And on and on it went, with vampire sponsors shooting to their feet and yelling with one another, all clamoring for the chance to recruit Ergo.
Dracula, meanwhile, waved his hands frantically, trying desperately to restore peace to the assembly, but to no avail. Greedy vampires started grabbing and punching one another, chairs started to be thrown chaotically about, and Ergo, in the tumult, snuck toward the door.
“Don’t let him leave!” screamed a slender vampire man with long blond hair. “We’re scaring him away!”
The room’s pandemonium froze, and with relief Ergo saw that the last peasants were gone. However, the red, terrifying eyes of dozens of hungry vampires were all turned directly at him. Ice water sloshed about in his stomach. What could he do but run?
He turned and padded down a long carpeted hallway lined with freaky portraits of various ghoulish characters with eyes that tracked him as he ran. The mob of desperate vampires rounded the corner behind him, shouting frantically. Suddenly Ergo remembered the small pouch that Henry had given him and, reaching for it, he hurriedly untied the string around it and found… white rice?
The vampires were drawing closer. He puzzled over the parcel and then, in desperation, threw the rice on the ground. The vampires’ eyes turned from the red boy to the spilled rice and, stumbling to their knees, stopped to carefully, meticulously pick up every grain.
OCD vampires? He had little time to ponder this as he turned and vaulted for a long, spiral staircase directly ahead. With animal agility he slid swiftly down the banister and reached an open area with cryptic doors leading in various directions.
Picking one at random, he scrambled through, quickly closed the door, bolted it, and, tumbling over chairs and debris, toppled into the center of a large red couch. He straightened and realized he was sitting between two creatures: an enormous constructed man-monster with a ghastly green pallor and skin woven with slipshod stitches, and some sort of sea monster, also green and covered with shimmering scales. Both gave him a casual glance then effectively dismissed him and turned back to watching the enormous flat screen television before them.
“One of Dracula’s new pets, no doubt,” said the huge, flat-headed sewed-together man-monster in a bored-sounding baritone.
The sea monster puffed a quick, disinterested raspberry and reached for a handful of kelp leaves from a bowl in his lap.
Ergo said nothing. The two seemed very interested in the news reporter on television, garbed in lederhosen, reporting the business and industry news for Transylvania, complete with a scrolling ticker on the bottom of the screen.
“I don’t know why you bother with this garbage. It’s all just slanted nonsense,” sighed the sea monster.
Frankenstein’s Monster grunted in response. “Can we just drop this? Every time I turn to this station, it’s you complaining. Let’s just agree that when you live in Transylvania the television is just rotten, okay?”
“They would have to transplant your head from a business actuarial and not someone interesting,” Sea Monster mocked. “Why couldn’t Doctor Frankenstein have found a more interesting cadaver to work with? Instead all you’re capable of doing is commenting on ‘media objectivity’ and what not. F’r crying out loud…”
The monster pair continued to bicker and ignore Ergo, and that was fine by him. He planned to sit silently, catch his breath, and remain hidden for enough time to work out his next move. While they sat and he thought, the television broadcast turned to a new story about a corporate merger.
“Oh, they say it’s a merger, but it isn’t.” Sea Monster became animated. “We all know that the big company gobbled up the little one, and look at that… they’ll be laying off about two thousand people to offset the cost. But meanwhile, the former CEO gets a golden parachute of eleven point eight billion dollars. What do the unemployed people get? Two more humiliating weeks of pay then a kick to the backside…”
Frankenstein’s Monster shook his head. “Listen to you whine and complain. Shouldn’t you be back in a lagoon somewhere?”
“Let me ask you something.” Unexpectedly Sea Monster turned to Ergo. “That greedy jerk left with eleven billion dollars, but all of those other hard-working people get canned, and they get nothing. That CEO has no worries for the rest of his life and can cheerfully sail off on his yacht, but those unemployed chumps are out on the street looking for a new job. Is that fair? Why didn’t they give the departing CEO, say, one billion, then divide up the other ten billion to the fired employees?”
“They weren’t worth it. They weren’t CEO’s,” responded Frankenstein’s monster. “Now quit your whining. What are you bitter about? You swim all day and eat all the fish you want, then watch business news on a soft couch in the evening.”
Sea Monster seemed frustrated and about to speak, but then held his fishy tongue. Behind them, someone rattled the door, and desperate, horrific shrieks, scratches, and moans came from the other side. The door shook madly as if about to fly off its hinges. Frankenstein’s Monster turned in annoyance and opened his mouth as though about to speak, but Sea Monster held up a webbed finger.
“Seriously, how much money do you need? How much is enough? And what makes some leathery old dude with a bad haircut worth that much money and not those workers…”
“Oh, shut up, you commie fish creature,” scolded Frankenstein’s Monster, lifting the remote to change channels. But he was unable to aim around Sea Monster’s flailing arms and enraged face. Both ignored the terrible noises outside, as if that kind of thing was normal around the castle.
“I’m not a commie!” shrieked Sea Monster.
“Well, you certainly aren’t a CEO, and it’s a well-established fact that the heads of their companies are shallow, greedy, and completely devoid of souls. We already know that! But if it wasn’t for that lust for gold, there wouldn’t be tens of thousands of employees working for that same shallow, soulless character. Now sit down and shut up, Fish, so I can get a clear signal with the remote to find some cartoons to watch!”
There was a bing from the other room, to their left, as well as continual pounding at the door behind them. “Oh, pizzas are done.” Sea Monster departed, and Frankenstein Monster changed channels. Not taking his eyes from the screen, he addressed Ergo.
“I’m sorry about him. He’s sort of a jerk. He majored in social economics with a minor in chemistry, and it’s that minor that did him in. Mixed a wonky lab construct one day, confused it for soy sauce with his luncheon ramen noodles, and the rest is his sad, pathetic history. He wound up here, the poor sap.”
More screams and yells came from beyond the door. “Frankenstein Monster, is there a charming vampire candidate in there?” yelled a voice.