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Cole reached a hand down toward Tommy. “You’re okay, kid. ”
“That was awesome!” Tommy said as he brushed the snow off his pants and coat. His cheeks were bright red, and icy snow clung to his hair. He looked up at Cole’s face. “How did you do that?”
“Tommy!” I rushed over to him and put my arms around him, and Cole noticed me for the first time.
“Did you see that, Nikki?” Tommy said. “He just looked at them, and they got scared and stopped!”
Cole avoided my gaze and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
I leaned down to Tommy. “I saw it. Dad has some leftover dinner for you. Go on home, and I’ll meet you there. ”
“Okay. Thanks, mister!” He waved at Cole and then started walking home.
Cole waved back and then gave me a sheepish smile. “Sorry, Nik. I didn’t see you coming. ”
“Did you…” I lowered my voice. “Did you… Feed off them?” I gestured to the other Scouts, who still had blank faces but were beginning to walk in the general directions of their homes.
Cole held up his hands, palms up. “A little. But don’t get all mad yet. Bullies have an easily identifiable aggression layer, so it’s really simple to just…” He sucked in a loud, deep breath to demonstrate. “And then it’s gone. ”
I stared at him for a moment.
“I was in the neighborhood,” he said, answering the question I was about to ask. His lips twitched. “You know, wandering around, trying to be a hero. ”
I sighed.
“Are you going to thank me?” Cole said. After a pause, he added, “Or hit me?”
I thought about Tommy, scared and cowering on the ground. “Thank you. ” Before Cole could say anything else I said, “But don’t do it again. ”
He nodded.
I’d expected Cole to ramp up his efforts to change my mind, but was this his new approach? If so, it scared me more than any attempts he’d made to sway me in the past. It felt so real, and so genuine. I looked in his eyes, and I honestly didn’t know what his motives were. Would he have saved Tommy if I weren’t around? Would he have done it anonymously?
My love for Tommy was a weakness. I just didn’t know if Cole was exploiting it. How did he have the power to confuse me still?
I had to get him away. He was more dangerous now than ever, because with Jack gone, and my time almost gone, he was more tempting than he’d ever been before.
“Cole. ”
“Nik?”
“You promised me you’d stay away from my house. ”
He frowned, and nodded again. “I’ll keep my word. ”
We walked away in our different directions.
Just after midnight, in my room, I was printing out the latest draft of my paper for Mrs. Stone when I heard a knock at my window. It couldn’t have been Cole—he never would’ve knocked. It was hard to see, with my bedroom light on, but as I got closer, I could make out Jack’s face.
He was here. At my window.
I pushed it open, and he clambered in, panting as if he had been flat-out sprinting. His face flushed with excitement? Anticipation? I smelled the air, but his emotions were all over the place.
“Jack? What’s wrong?”
He placed his hands on my shoulders and led me over to the bed. I sat.
“Becks. I found her. Meredith. Will and I have been searching for her. Asking around. We—”
“Wait,” I interrupted. “You and Will?”
Jack smiled. “Yeah. Remember that day at the Kona? I guess Will was listening more than we thought. ”
“And he believed it?”
“Not at first. Not until we found Meredith in Blackfoot. ”
“Idaho?”
“We asked everyone at the shelter until this lady there said Meredith used to talk about a family cabin in Idaho and how she was going to hitch a ride there. Will has an army buddy who’s doing security work on the side, and he got the address. ” He finally paused to catch his breath. “Will’s driving to Idaho to pick her up right now. I would’ve gone too, but I had to see you. ”
See you. Those words tasted like melted chocolate to me. He hadn’t abandoned me after all. He’d spent the past three days searching out our only lead. Without thinking, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. His entire body tensed. Oops. “Thank you,” I whispered.
He looked at me, his mouth slightly open. Unmoving.
“No matter what it means, even if it comes to nothing, thank you, Jack. ”
He still didn’t move. He seemed at a loss for what to say or do. Maybe I’d really crossed a line.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean to—”
“No,” he interrupted, his mouth finally moving. “It’s just… I didn’t expect … you…”
His words faded off, and we both fell silent for a few moments. I looked down.
“So, when did you get back?” I finally asked.
He seemed relieved at the easy question. “Just now. ”
“Why didn’t you tell me what you were doing?”
He looked down. “I was … hurt you weren’t honest with me. About your mark. Mad about the wasted time. I wasn’t about to give up, but I needed to do it on my own. For a little while. ” His eyes drifted to my arm. “Can I see it? The mark, I mean. ”
I held my arm out, and he pushed the sleeve of my jacket up just past my elbow. The dark gray fingers of the mark had reached past my inner elbow and looked like veins snaking their way downward.
“It’s really a Shade? An actual Shade inside you?”
I nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“I wanted to. Actually, that’s not true. I didn’t want to. I never wanted to have to. I was hoping I’d find a way out, and if I didn’t…”
“I’d just wake up one day, and you’d be gone again. ”
I nodded, looking down at the hand that still held my arm, the rough calluses there from years of holding a football.
“Where will you go? These… Tunnels that are coming for you. Where do they take you?”
“After the Feed, the Forfeits are used to power the Everneath. They supply the whole place with energy. Cole calls it a battery. One little cog in a giant generator. ” Saying it out loud sent a shiver down my spine.
Jack’s voice grew even softer. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I know you won’t believe it, but I thought it would be best for you. You were doing so well until I came back. I thought you could go back to how it was. You still can. ”
“Don’t say that, Becks. We’re going to figure something out. ”
“I know. Even so, I understand that it would’ve been easier for you if I’d never come back. Maybe you and Jules…”
His grip on my arm tightened, and when he spoke, his voice wavered. “Becks. I crashed when you left. Jules held together the pieces, and I will love her forever for that. But if I was with her, it wouldn’t be right. ” He grimaced. “She told me so herself, right before I left with Will. She knew. ” Jack pushed my hair out of my eyes and off my forehead.
“Um, she knew what?” I could barely hear my own voice.
“It’s always been you, Becks. Nothing will change that, no matter how much time has passed. ” He glanced down. “No matter if you feel the same way or not. You know that, right?”
I shook my head slowly, wanting desperately to believe him, but not sure if I could.
“How can you not see that? Everyone sees it. ” He slid his hand down my arm and grabbed my fingers, holding them in his lap, tracing them. Staring at them. “Remember freshman year? How Bozeman asked you to the Spring Fling?”
Bozeman. He was two years older than me. Played offensive lineman. His first name was Zachary, but nobody had called him that since the third grade. I’d been surprised he even knew my name, let alone asked me to the dance.
“Of course I remember. You came with me to answer him. ” We doorbell-ditched Boz
eman’s house, leaving a two-liter bottle of Coke and a note that said I’d pop to go to the dance with you, or something like that. Bozeman had a reputation for fast hands, but he didn’t try anything with me. In fact, he barely touched me at all, even at the fling. And he never asked me out again. Or even talked to me, really. It was weird.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t tell you, but Bozeman actually asked for my permission. ”
“Why?”
“Because it was obvious to everyone, except you, how I felt about you. And then that night with the Coke on the porch … after I dropped you off at home, I paid Bozeman a visit. ” His cheeks went pink and he lowered his eyes.
“And?”
“Let’s just say I rescinded my permission. I didn’t realize how much it would bother me. ” His eyes met mine.
I could only imagine what was said between Jack and the lineman, who was twice his size.
“Don’t be mad,” Jack said. Like I’d be angry after everything we’d been through. “I… I’m telling you this because you have to know that it’s always been you. And it will always be you. ”
I knew then the difference between what I had with Jack and the twisted thing I had with Cole. Jack was real. Cole was a drug, artificial and simulated. My involuntary response to him was manufactured in the Everneath by a power that shouldn’t even exist.
Jack was real. Tangible.
“Do you get it now, Becks?” Jack wrapped a finger around a long strand of my hair, and we were quiet as it slipped through his grip.
“You haven’t moved on?”
He chuckled. “I have a lifetime of memories made up of chestnut wars and poker games and midnight excursions and Christmas Dances… It’s all you. It’s only ever been you. I love you. ” The last part seemed to escape his lips unintentionally, and afterward he closed his eyes and put his head in his hands, as if he had a sudden headache. “I’ve gotta not say that out loud. ”
The sight of how messed up he was made me want to wrap my arms around him and fold him into me and cushion him from everything that lay ahead.
Instead, I reached for his hand. Brought it to my lips. Kissed it.
He raised his head and winced. “You shouldn’t do that,” he said, even though he didn’t pull his hand away.
“Why?”
“Because … it’ll make everything worse… If you don’t feel—”
His voice cut off as I kissed his hand again, pausing with his fingers at my lips. He let out a shaky sigh and his hair flopped forward. Then he looked at my lips for a long moment. “What if…?”
I bit my lower lip. “What?”
“What if we could be like this again?” He leaned in closer with a smile, and as he did, he said, “Are you going to steal my soul?”
“Um … it’s not technically your soul that…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. His lips brushed mine, and I felt the whoosh of transferring emotions, but it wasn’t as strong as the last time. The space inside me was practically full again. The Shades were right. Six months was just long enough to recover.
He kept his lips touching mine when he asked, “Is it okay?”
Okay in that I wasn’t going to suck him dry anymore. Not okay in that my own emotions were in hyperdrive. Only our lips touched. Thankfully there was space between us everywhere else.
He took my silence to mean it was safe. We held our lips together, tentative and still.
But he didn’t let it stay that casual for long. He pressed his lips closer, parting his mouth against mine. I shivered, and he put his arms around me and pulled me closer so that our bodies were touching in so many places.
He pulled back a little. His breath was on my lips.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I dreamed of you every night. ” He briefly touched his lips to mine again. “It felt so real. And when I’d wake up the next morning, it was like your disappearance was fresh. Like you’d left me all over again. ”
I lowered my chin and tucked my head into his chest. “I’m sorry. ”
He sighed and tightened his grip around me. “It never got easier. But the dreams themselves. ” I felt him shake his head. “It’s like I had a physical connection to you. They were so real. Every night, you were in my room with me. It was so real. ”
I tilted my head back so I could face him again, realizing for the first time how difficult it must’ve been for Jack. I kissed his chin, his cheek, and then his lips. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
He shook his head. “It’s not your fault I dreamed of you, Becks. I just want to know if it was as real as it felt. ”
“I don’t know,” I said. But I told him about the book I’d read on Orpheus and Eurydice, and my theory that it was her connection to Orpheus that saved her. When I finished, I asked him what he thought.