Haunted Like This
By Jason Wallace
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Published by:
Haunted Like This
Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace
It's hard to move on
When you're broken inside
You used to hold out hope
But your hopes have all died
You couldn't mop up
All the tears that you've cried
And the moment they said
You were everything
You knew that they lied
So you go to nowhere no one knows
And push in all the pain
You tell yourself I don't care or want it to show
But it's all there is in your brain
So sacrifice yourself on the altar of regret
As you walk down the cold, open, long, and broken road
All you wish for is freezing rain
And a semblance of sentiment from the one you can't forget
Ten more seconds and you know you'll just snap
You'll either go insane or have a heart attack
And the very instant you almost feel a beginning
To being whole again
The one you miss calls you to fill you in
On some things you kind of wish you didn't learn
But you can't unhear the burden that burns
You want them back
But don't know why
Or if they can do more than lie
Yet don't want to take a number to take your turn
A spoiled rotten emptiness
Brought about to leave you for dead
Forgotten, lonely
But still not buried yet
Waiting for, praying for
The sweet release of time
Watching as
Every bit of anything passes you by
Every attempt at life is never hit but miss
Every sense of anything or sentiment of innocence
Is gone, leading down to a hole
Paving over with stone
The deepness of the abyss
Cold and covered over, haunted like this
Bonus Material
Hopeless
Living like I'm in constant fear
I swear I don't know
Who I am
A life full of
So much regret
It tears apart my soul
I look in my broken mirror
I think I see a man
But the shape looks so cold
Indignant, indecent, recently,
A shred of dignity
Is all I ask myself for
Repentant but not enough penitence
Ignorant of how to carry on one day more
Careful contemplation of
My imagination of self-gratification
The face I'm facing is erasing any
Of anything I once felt
Feeling strangulation, exaggerating the inner aching
Taking myself for granted, losing what is left
Hoping I have a home I can call on
Because this place where I am
Is nothingness to me
Searching for something I can be proud of
I fall on
Nothing but
Misery
Terrified
Of a life
That I no longer want to live
I don't feel alive
So dead inside
Is there more out there to gain, to give
Alone again, unknown to the end
By anyone that could
Help me out of my hole and be whole again
Surrounded by shame
Turned around by so much blame
It seems that's all there is anymore
All I have left is my name
And more pain
Than any one person should
Carry with them yet still feel the same
As they always did before
Disheartened, hardened heartache
Dissipated, disillusioned, partly fake
Taking one day at a time
Enlightened yet so frightened
By knowing nothing but
Insanity plus
Memories that get mixed and misinterpreted
And make me lose my mind
If in the end, I find
Some bit of truth, of a sign
Of where I might go next
It could be worth
All the good, bad, and worse
And the worst yet to come
To figure out what hope I have left
But until that day
Come what may
I couldn't feel like less than I do right now
I might not have to end it all
To fix the fall
And might find some strength to fight some way, somehow
But all I know is low
All this time runs slow
It's more emptiness than one should be allowed
I wish for nothing more than some way out
In the Dead of Night
I wear this mask
To hide and deaden the pain
When all I want to do
Is call you
And scream out your name
You almost act like you want me back
But no matter this or that,
It's just not the same
I know. I know. I know.
You just had to go
I'm not glad you went
But with all those crazy nights
I'm so glad you came
When you wake up
In the dead of night
Feeling so empty
And full of fright
Remember who still loved you
And if you had
He just might
I hope I still haunt your dreams
The way
You still do me
And if it all went
According to some higher plan
The dreams would come to life
And you'd understand
When you wake up
In the dead of night
Feeling so empty
And so full of fright
Remember who still loved you
And if you had again
He just might
And you'd understand
That he never meant
To make you feel he was letting go
He just needed time
And you didn't know
That all he could ever think about
Was how he cared for you
But couldn't let it out
And how he hoped
For something more
Kept holding on and
Fighting for
His brain to never win
Over his heart
To realize
That it was all just mistakes
And it should have never fallen apart
When you wake up
In the dead of night
Feeling so empty
And full of fright
Remember who still loved you
And if you had
He just might
When you wake up
Without me
Remember that
You set me free
Even though
I did it first
We kept coming back
To try to make it work
But we both closed ourselves off
From time to time
So when the other wanted it back
It was almost too late to try
So if I'm in
Your dreams tonight
Think of this
And hold your pillow tight
I'm probably lying here
With you in mine, too
Which means
That it's all true
When you wake up
In the dead of night
Feeling so empty
And full of fright
Remember who still loved you
And if you had
He just might
When you wake up
In the dead of night
Feeling so empty
And full of fright
Remember who still loved you
And if you had
He just might
He just might
Never
You said it all
With what you said
Though every message
Gets re-read
It's made me so tired now
I want to go to bed
If I could feel alive inside
I wouldn't be so dead
Every time I talk to you
I feel an aching soul and an aching head
I should give it up
I should just move on
I shouldn't listen to you
That's how I do wrong
You know I want you back
Though I don't know why
I'm so sick of games
Too tired to cry
Every empty invitation
Every meaningless contemplation
Every seemingly long conversation
Is a new end to me
You say I'm gonna come your way
I have so much I want to say
It feels like years since I've seen you
Though it's just been days
I gain some hope, I go astray
I lie awake and pray to be saved
From all this does and all this takes
Every time we talk, my heart breaks
I shouldn't text
I shouldn't call
I shouldn't answer
You at all
But I'm afraid
I'm ashamed
I've realized mistakes
And I feel like
None of the past matters so much
As how I still feel
My brain says to let you go
But my heart is screaming for that rush
That I still get
When we touch
And that that's all that's real
I can forgive you for the other guy
I can almost let go of what I took for lies
I think I could still get lost
In your eyes
But I know I can't do any of that
So goodbye
Because you made it plain
And you made it clear
Any ounce of love you had disappeared
I think maybe you want to keep me around
So you know someone wants you
Though he's a puppet; you love it,
But can't let go to let your guard down
If there really existed some little chance
I'd give in and forget all circumstance
I'd once again let you be my everything
I could still ask you to marry me
But that's gone
It's all wrong
You've moved on
And you're not wasting away
Like I am
You're waiting for
Any other man
I want no one else
Yet I can't have you
Your voice hurts as much as your view
I stalk your wall
You stalk mine, too
Every picture is some kind of memory
An image painted in misery
I used to believe maybe
There was a meant to be
And now all I have is a useless heart
Empty and broken, torn all apart
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to
Mourn what we are
And look back
So far back
To what we were and what
We should have been
You were all it took to lure me in
I really did love you
The way I said, the way I meant
But so much inched its way in
Until we're nothing more
Than strangers with secret intent
But for forever and a day
I probably won't let go
I know never
Is too long not to be together
And it's painful more than you know
Because I'm the one that
Knew never before
As in I never meant
To let you walk out the door
And I never said never
When you asked me back
I just didn't answer
And wanted time to face some facts
Now never means to not have you
But to spend each day and night
Wanting to
And thinking about how I have to hold on
Because I can't make myself try
To do more because it would feel so wrong
So never as you will
Is how I feel
At least one of us does
So maybe time won't heal
I never want to really say goodbye
But you'll never think of me like
I think of you
And I know why
You never let yourself really think
That I could ever be your anything
Not since you decided you'd never do
Anymore to make me want you
So never say you need me again
You'll never want my heart, my hand, or me as your friend
Just know that never
Means more to me
It means never be happy, never free
So I'll never really set you free
Never... free
So Goodbye to You
Don't count on me
I'm not what you need
If I was
Then why are you now free
I want to believe
All the words that you said
But when I think about em
They bring a haze to my head
If you really didn't cheat
Why'd you give up on me
You said you did somethin bad
But I was caught up in gettin you back
And I just couldn't see
The guilt inside of you
It must run so deep
You weren't ready for this
And me you did not want to keep
So goodbye to you
The fact that remains
Now that these stains have begun to decay
Is that I wanted you more
And you wanted less and could no longer stay
So goodbye to you
Now that we're through
I would've given you my whole life
But all you wanted to do
Was run til you collapsed
And get so far away so fast
That you could never wonder and never look back
So when you recollect
And maybe wish I was walkin back your way
Remember you let me go
You said I'd just hurt you again one day
You could not take a chance
Or admit what you'd done
So it was better to place all blame on me
And turn around and run
The guilt inside of you
It must run so deep
You weren't ready for this
And me you did not want to keep
So goodbye to you
The fact that remains
Now that these stains have begun to decay
Is that I wanted you more
And you wanted less and could no longer stay
But I still miss your voice
And the feel of your touch
But I don't want to wonder
Or want you so much
So goodbye to you
Now that we're through
I would've given you my whole life
But all you wanted to do
Was forget how you felt
And imagine someone else
Because at least feelin used
Is somethin to do
So goodbye to you
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