‘Let’s go somewhere,’ he said.
‘When?’
‘Now. For Thanksgiving.’
She sat quietly by his side in the dark; silently she sat and looked out the window.
‘Go where?’ Kristina finally said.
‘To Canada!’ he breathed out. ‘We’ll rent a car and cross the river, to the other side, make a right, and just keep on driving. We’ll find some nice little cottage, somewhere nice. In Quebec. On the way back, we can stop in Montreal. What do you say?’
Albert looked back at her stare. ‘What? We got no money again?’ he said with a peculiar lilt to his voice.
‘No, we -’ She stopped. ‘We got a little. Howard gave me some for my birthday.’
‘How much is a little?’
She thought very quickly. ‘Ten thousand dollars.’
Albert watched her intently. She tried to keep her face impassive. ‘That’s enough to get to Canada,’ he finally said. ‘Or is that money all for you?’
Rubbing his arm, Kristina said, ‘Don’t be like that. It’s for us.’
‘It’s not for us,’ he said. ‘It’s for you.’
‘For us,’ she insisted.
‘For you,’ he repeated, with the same peculiar lilt to his voice. Then with his right hand he cupped the side of her face. ‘Rocky,’ he said gently. ‘Want to?’
‘Please,’ she whispered. ‘We can’t. I’m playing on Saturday.’
Albert sneered. ‘UPenn. I can beat them myself with my eyes closed and shooting into their net. Your third team can beat their first, with or without you.’
‘Albert, I can’t skip the game!’
Shrugging, he said, ‘Not like you haven’t done it before. It’s no big deal. The coach yells at you for two minutes and then you dazzle her at practice for a week and everything’s okay.’
‘Yeah, well, she told me last time I missed a game that she’d make me sit out, like, a month, if I did it again.’
‘Kristina,’ said Albert, smiling. ‘The coach knows she’d be cutting off her nose to spite her face. The only thing she’d do without you is lose, and lose big.’ Albert drew Kristina closer to him, squeezing her. ‘You’re too good.’
She squeezed him back.
Albert prodded on. ‘Come on, Rock. What do you say?’
She put her arm tighter around him and shook her head. ‘What, disappear for a few days? And then? We got to come back, you know. We have to come back and live here. There’s no escape.’
‘Who wants to escape? I just want us to go -’
She interrupted, ‘If we could drive to Alaska, you’d say go there. If we had more money, you’d say, let’s never come back to this place, let’s travel the world, and be free of this life, of Dartmouth, of Howard -’
‘We are free of Howard,’ Albert said sharply.
She continued, ‘- of Connecticut, of Luke and Laura, of Jim and Conni. You’d even forsake Aristotle, if it would mean…’
‘Mean what?’
‘Mean no one would know us. You’d forsake everything. Wouldn’t you?’
Albert placed his hand on her chest to feel her heart. ‘Wouldn’t you?’
Kristina tried to pull away from him. ‘Not everything. Not everything.’ She choked up. ‘Though God knows,’ I want to -’
‘Do you?’ he asked intensely. ‘Do you want to?’
‘To be free? More than anything,’ she said, equally intensely. Her brown eyes flashed at Albert. But he misunderstood her meaning.
‘Then let’s go!’ he whispered. ‘Edinburgh, Kristina! Remember Edinburgh?’
Remembering Edinburgh made her hands weak. Her fingers tensed and relaxed, and her heart squeezed tight with memories of Edinburgh. ‘Sure, I remember. But what then? I’d still have to come back and face Jim. And what about Conni? Remember how it was when we came back? It would be just like that, only worse.’
‘I’ll make something up.’ He smiled tenderly. ‘I’m good at that.’
‘No,’ she said. They were speaking in hushed tones, and her no was an octave higher.
Albert said, ‘It’s no big deal. I’ll do anything to get away for a few days.’
‘What’s the big hurry? We’ve just been to Fahrenbrae.’
He waved at her impatiently. ‘Fahrenbrae is too close to here. We can go far into Canada for a few long days. We’ll go sledding. Remember how much you like sledding?’
‘Sure, I remember,’ Kristina said, getting weaker, the fight sinking out of her. ‘God, we just can’t.’
‘Rock, stop,’ he said kindly, keeping his arm around her. Keeping her to him. ‘Stop fighting me.’
‘It’s just a holiday,’ she said.
He was not easily dissuaded, but he took his arm away.
‘This is no good,’ Kristina said with a miserable, hollow laugh.
‘I agree,’ he said. ‘What do you think we should do? Stop?’
‘Yes,’ she said immediately and laughed mirthlessly.
‘Oh, Kristina. Oh, Kristina! How many times a year do you think we can continue having this conversation?’
‘Until we stop.’
‘Well, gee,’ he said. ‘I don’t exactly remember you saying that this morning at Fahrenbrae.’
‘The hills were too beautiful,’ she replied quietly, with emotion in her voice. ‘You were too beautiful.’
He leaned into her face. ‘I’m not beautiful now?’ he asked softly.
She averted her eyes. ‘Too beautiful.’
They were silent. She imagined going to Canada with him.
‘Albert, I know you agree with me. We have to stop. We have to get sane. You go with Conni. I go with Jim -’ Kristina stopped. ‘Or not. But whatever. Go our separate ways.’
‘We’ve done this before. It didn’t work. I don’t know how to get sane.’ He paused. ‘Do you? I didn’t think so. We’re just crazed all the time.’
Her mouth was dry when she whispered, ‘Yeah, crazed.’
‘Crazed!’ he exclaimed. Grabbing her, he pulled her close to him on the bed. ‘Rocky, why are you doing this to me? Why do you do this to me all the time?’ he said hotly, feverishly kissing her open lips, his hands gripping her wrists so tight it hurt.
She shut her eyes and pulled his head into her face, closer, if that were possible, into her, his lips overwhelming hers, pushing them apart with their intensity, their violence.
She groaned, moaned under his arms. He pushed her down on the bed. ‘Kristina,’ he whispered. ‘What are we going to do?’
Her only response was a stifled, raspy moan. Albert pulled her up to lift her pink tank top and expose her breasts, and then pushed her back down on the bed again. She whispered. ‘We’re going to go a little crazy. And then we’re going to escape forever.’
‘Escape?’ he whispered into her mouth, grinding against her with the hardness in his jeans, hurting her, making her ache and moan with pain and desire. He was grinding as if he were trying to push himself whole inside her. ‘Escape? What are you talking about? There is no escape.’
‘Sweet hell,’ she whispered. ‘Almost like heaven.’ His big hand covered her mouth roughly. ‘I don’t want to be damned,’ she said through his closed fingers. She wanted to cry.
He bent down to her breast, putting her nipple between his teeth. She stroked his arms, his head, his hair, his face. ‘Kristina, Kristina,’ he whispered back. ‘We’re not damned. We’re in love.’
‘No,’ she moaned as his hands moved down to her thighs. ‘We’re damned.’
She arched her back to help him take off her panties.
He pulled himself back up to her face and kissed her lips. ‘Rocky, darling,’ he said. ‘Rocky, Kristina, Rocky…’
‘Oh, Albert,’ Kristina whispered. ‘Please… please… let’s stop.’
He pulled back for a moment, to look at her, his hands near her face and neck. ‘How can I stop?’ he whispered fiercely.
‘How can I when you make me so fucking weak, I can’t see stra
ight…’
When he pulled off his jeans and she reached down to feel him, he was ready for her. She moaned softly into his neck, and he breathed hard, clutching her with his hands, propping himself up, one hand underneath her back, thrusting into her.
A knock on the door stopped them.
‘Kristina?’
It was Conni.
Kristina instantly fell silent and put her hand over Albert’s mouth, whose heavy belabored breath continued to be the only sound in the room.
The knock came again. ‘Kristina, I’m looking for Albert. You know where he is?’
Kristina held her breath, held Albert with her arms, and then let out, ‘Conni? No, I don’t see him. Listen, it’s real late.’
The doorknob turned.
‘Could you open the door, please?’ Conni said impatiently.
‘Conn, I’m so tired, I can’t see straight,’ said Kristina, as she stifled Albert’s moan. ‘I’m half asleep,’ Kristina finished, finding his mouth with her hand. ‘I’ll talk to you in the morning, okay?’
‘Could you just open the door for a second? I need to talk to you.’
‘Conni, tomorrow, okay?’
Conni banged loudly on the door. ‘No, it’s not okay, Kristina. No it’s not okay. Open the door.’
‘Conni, leave me alone, will you? I had a long day. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’
Conni continued to bang on the door and carry on, but Albert and Kristina stopped listening. Albert turned Kristina over. Kristina put her face in the pillow to muffle her sounds. She felt Albert’s hand in the back of her head, pushing her face into the pillow, his body hard behind her.
But Conni’s banging and yelling did not subside.
Finally, Kristina heard someone out in the hall telling Conni to shut the hell up or they would call security. Conni wouldn’t stop. A few minutes later somebody came to the door and asked Conni to come away. She refused. The security man knocked on the door and asked Kristina to open it. By this time Albert and Kristina were spent. Albert’s hands were stroking her, caressing her. He blew on her perspired face to cool her.
Kristina told the security man she was trying to sleep, wasn’t well, and wasn’t dressed. Eventually he led Conni away.
Later when they were lying next to each other in the little bed, Kristina said quietly, ‘God, Albert, we can’t live like this.’
‘You’re right. Let’s go to Canada.’
‘What, forever?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Let’s go to Canada forever.’
She pushed him lightly. ‘Boy, you’ll say anything right now, won’t you?’
He smiled. ‘Anything.’ He was lying sideways, propping himself up on his elbow. He blew on her face again and then kissed it.
Kristina wondered about Conni. What was Albert going to tell her?
‘Canada, huh? Albert,’ Kristina said, ‘why Canada? Seems far away.’
‘The farther the better,’ he said. ‘Tell me you don’t want to go.’
‘I didn’t say that,’ she said cautiously, thinking.
‘Let’s go,’ he beseeched her. ‘We’ve got the money - you said so yourself. There’s nothing stopping us.’
She wanted to ask Albert about his imminent engagement to Conni. How are you going to take me to Canada and get engaged to her at the same time? she wanted to ask.
Albert poked her gently. ‘Well?’
‘And when this money is gone, then what?’
‘Then nothing. Then we’ll get more money,’ he said.
‘From where?’
Albert pulled away from her and stared at the ceiling.
‘Howard and I are now officially divorced,’ Kristina said. ‘Grandma is dead.’
‘There must be some money tucked away somewhere,’ said Albert.
‘What are you talking about?’ Kristina said, a little shrilly. ‘There’s no money, I’m telling you.’
‘So? We’ll get jobs. We’ll have money.’
Smirking, Kristina said, ‘You’re gonna get a job, Albert?’
‘Sure, why not?’ He put his hands behind his head. ‘I’ll try anything once.’
Now Kristina lay on her side, propped up by her elbow, and stared into his face. She wanted to tell him about the money, but she was just waiting for the right time. When he was married to Conni, maybe. She smiled at her own little joke.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.
‘Nothing, nothing,’ she quickly said. This was not a good time.
‘Rocky? If I break up with Conni, will you break up with Jim?’
Oh, not this again. She wanted to say, break up with Conni? Is that before or after you get engaged? But she didn’t.
‘Albert, please,’ she said. ‘Please.’
He gritted his teeth. ‘I just don’t know about that Jim of yours.’
Getting defensive, Kristina said, ‘Why, because he’s a nice guy? Because he treats me well?’
‘Because having sex with you is against his religion.’ Albert said meanly. ‘Some relationship.’
‘Well, I didn’t know he didn’t like to have sex when I started going out with him, did I?’
Staring passionately at her, Albert said, ‘No, Rocky, not just not like to have sex. Not like to have sex with you.’
‘But it’s easier for you this way, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ Albert said instantly. ‘At first I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching you.’ He paused. ‘Of anybody touching you.’
‘Well, how do you think I feel about you and Conni?’ Kristina said. They fell silent. Kristina was thinking about Thanksgiving. To be with him. Not to be alone. Not to be with Jim or with Conni or with Howard, or alone, but with him, far away - in Canada.
‘We don’t have to go anywhere,’ Albert said. ‘The ten grand, the ten thousand goddamn dollars we have. We could save it.’
‘We could,’ she said tentatively.
‘Yeah. We never have any money.’ He pulled away farther.
‘I never have any money.’
‘What do you need money for?’ Kristina asked. ‘Conni always pays for everything.’
‘Not just Conni, dear Rocky,’ said Albert, staring at her in the night light. ‘Not just her.’
And then they slept together in her room, naked on her narrow bed.
CHAPTER TWO
Monday
Kristina rushed to get ready for her seven-forty-five Modern Christian Thought class. To save time, she put on the same clothes she’d worn on Sunday.
Albert was sitting on the bed, next to Aristotle spread out on his back.
‘Get him off,’ Kristina said. ‘His hair gets on everything.’
Albert didn’t touch the dog. ‘His hair is already on everything.’
‘Albert!’ she said, raising her voice. ‘Aristotle! Down!’
The dog got down sheepishly. He knew he wasn’t supposed to be on the bed.
Sitting next to Albert, Kristina rubbed his leg. ‘What are you going to tell Conni?’
He looked sullen. His black eyes were sunken in his face, as they always were after a night of little sleep. His pale face with huge black eyes made him look slightly cadaverous.
‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’ll think of something.’
Kristina, unsmiling inside or out, said, ‘I’m sure you will. Tell her you fell asleep in your room.’
‘Rocky, you’ll never make a convincing liar. What, and didn’t hear her make a public nuisance of herself? Yeah, good.’
Kristina looked outside into the blue post-dawn darkness. It looked very cold. She felt bad for Conni, standing outside their door, banging, fearing the worst, being lied to.
Albert said, ‘I’m going to tell her you hadn’t walked Aristotle and I went to walk him. I’ll tell her I went through the woods to Frankie’s and was so tired I fell asleep there.’
‘What if she called Frankie?’
‘Frankie doesn’t pick up his phone after midnight.’
‘What
if she went to see Frankie?’
‘She didn’t. She wouldn’t.’
‘Well, aren’t you going to have to inform Frankie of your little plan?’
‘Yeah, it’s not a problem.’
‘Oh, I see. Frankie is a stooge for you, isn’t he?’
‘Not a stooge, just my friend,’ Albert said, getting up off the bed and eyeing her grimly. ‘What’s gotten into you?’
Kristina shook her head, feeling worse and worse. ‘Nothing, I just…’ What had happened to starting over? Starting a new life? Hadn’t she been beginning to do that yesterday? Wasn’t that what she had told herself?
‘Conni will believe it, you’ll see.’ Albert took Aristotle’s leash and fitted it over the dog’s head. ‘Remember, she wants to believe it. Why would she want to hear the truth? What’s she going to do with the truth? That’s the most important thing to remember. All I have to do is let her believe what she wants to believe in the first place. It’s that simple.’
Getting off the bed, Kristina said bleakly, ‘Is it that simple? It’s really the dumbest excuse.’
He shrugged. ‘So think of a better one.’
Picking up her books off the table, Kristina said, ‘We can’t do this, Albert. I can’t do this.’
He came to her. ‘You say that now…’ he drawled suggestively, running his free hand over her back.
‘I mean it.’ She pushed him off her. ‘I just - I can’t do this anymore. I’m starting to hate myself, and -’ She broke off.
‘And what?’
‘Nothing.’
‘And? You’re starting to hate me?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t have to.’ His black eyes blazed. She backed off, not used to seeing his rare temper.
“I gotta go,’ Kristina said.
He shrugged. ‘Where’s your coat?’
‘Fahrenbrae.’
‘Ahhh,’ said Albert. ‘So take my jacket.’
‘What about you?’
‘I’ve got two.’ He unlocked her door and peeked outside. ‘All clear,’ he whispered and walked quickly down the hall to his room. She followed him.
‘I can’t take your jacket,’ Kristina said. ‘Jim or Conni is going to see me wearing it, and what am I supposed to say then?’
‘Make up something clever.’