putting over me are itchy—and on the road to recovery. And I will not forget what God has taught me throughout the course of this experience.
I'm joyful to be alive and thankful for another opportunity to make a difference in this world. I will no longer live life as a spectator; I'm going to get out there and make a difference for God. I'm going to encourage and uplift. I'm going to use the experiences of my life to help others cope with hardship and despair.
I'm going to be the man that God created me to be.
As for this journal, I found it on the nightstand beside my bed with a leather strap around it. I can't explain it; I know it shouldn't exist, but every sentence on every page is just how I remembered writing them after each memory that Doc and I visited.
I don't know if it was all a dream, a hallucination, or some kind of out-of-body experience. All I know is that God saw fit to show me the truth behind the struggles of our lives, and I'd be an ungrateful wretch not to share that news with the rest of the world.
Lord, I thank you for giving an undeserving and selfish person like me a second chance to make an impact on the world by sharing the good news of Jesus Christ. I promise I won't let you down.
Time Sure Flies…
Have you ever had a "That's it!" moment? I'm sure you have; it happens to most people at various points in their lives. It's that feeling you get when you finally manage to solve the problem in front of you. Maybe you were studying for a test or writing a book or trying to follow furniture assembly instructions. Most such events aren't necessarily life-altering breakthroughs of wisdom, but occasionally, one arrives at a "That's it!" moment that opens the floodgates of logic, reason, and above all else, comprehension. Have you ever experienced such a moment? For me, I'd have to say that the story documented in this book was the "That's it!" moment of my life.
It's been five years.
I was cleaning out my closet the other day when I came across this journal. After reading over some of the entries again, I find myself amazed by how different my life is today. So I felt compelled to write a brief update on the state of my life and my walk with God.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt any signs of depression in years, and every single day brings with it the joy of the unknown adventure that He has in store for me. I'm no longer weighed down by fear and anxiety. Through God's guidance, I've learned to take life as it comes with the understanding that all things, both good and bad, work together to achieve something positive in one way or another. And in knowing that, I have found peace in life—something I had sought for a long time.
Believe it or not, I contacted Timmy Jentson. He stopped by a middle school a few miles from me one spring to do a presentation for the students about bullying. I felt like I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to forgive him in person for the altercations we had in school. I didn't know if he'd care. Frankly, I didn't even know if he'd remember me. But I felt like it was something I needed to do. So I drove out that afternoon to see his presentation. And what I saw blew me away.
Timmy was an entirely different person. He was smiling, friendly, excited, and above all else, filled with the love of Jesus Christ. He couldn't mention Jesus due to school regulations, of course, but the spirit and morals of his lessons practically shouted Jesus' name. And he did something I honestly hadn't thought possible. He created an entertaining presentation for both students and teachers alike that kept their attention, had them laughing, and even evoked some voluntary participation from several members of the audience. In an age when schoolyard shootings are commonplace and suicides among youths are on the rise, it was refreshing to see the subjects of abuse, prejudice, and alienation addressed in such an honest fashion. And the majority of the kids seemed to appreciate that. Timmy didn't talk down to them. He didn't scold, didn't shout, didn't shake a finger. He simply gave his testimony.
Watching him that day inspired me. Everyone has a gift to give to this world. I truly believe that. Some create music; others create medicine. Some are great teachers, and others are talented athletes. There are entertainers, police officers, soldiers, and painters. Then there are those whose talent comes not necessarily from a skill, but from an emotional gift. These are the generous people who work hard to raise money for the poor, the self-sacrificing who volunteer to work at hospitals and animal shelters, and the compassionate who travel the country trying to inspire acts of love and good works amongst the students of our nation's schools.
And as Timmy stood on stage revisiting his days as the schoolyard thug, I began to wonder if I could share my story the same way. God doesn't grant everyone the chance to see the ripple effect that their actions have, but He showed me. How could I not share that with the world? How could I keep the lessons He taught me all to myself when there are so many people of all ages struggling through the very same depression that had swallowed me? Maybe I could help them. Perhaps my experience might strike a chord with someone out there and lead them to their own "That's it!" moment.
So I talked to Timmy after the show. It was kind of surreal, actually, because when he saw me waiting beside the stage as the students filed out, he walked over and gave me a hug without a hint of hesitation. We got a cup of coffee and caught up with each other. He talked about his visit to prison and the effect it had on his opinion of life and of himself. Seeing hardened criminals that had been all but forgotten by society, he said, stirred feelings inside that he never knew were there. He became aware of his sense of entitlement and how he'd taken his freedom for granted. One of the inmates, a convicted murderer named Alberto, left an image burned into Timmy's mind that he hopes will never fade.
"He had an attitude, just like me," Timmy explained. "Got himself mixed up with the wrong kind of people. When he was twenty-two, he got into a gang war over a couple of girls. Saw his brother shot in the head that night. Then, in an act of rage, he stabbed the killer in the chest seven times."
Timmy went on to tell me about how the man's story seemed like a window into his own future. He was on the very same path, heading in the same direction, always acting on impulsive anger rather than rational thought. And for a moment, just one brief second, he saw himself in Alberto's place, wearing Alberto's prison jumpsuit, covered in Alberto's scars.
And it scared him straight.
He made a vow, much like Ebenezer Scrooge, to change his ways and make the most of the days before him. However, quite unlike Scrooge, it was not an overnight change. He went through a long period of struggling with his anger and resentment issues as he fought to overcome the demons in his life. Eventually, he found Christ, and the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders. The turning point, he told me, was when he learned to live for others rather than live for himself.
"I'll never forget Alberto for setting me on the right path," Timmy said. "He may not know it, but he changed my life that day."
I shared my story with Timmy, too. I told him everything about my attempted suicide and how God had taken me through the events of my life so that I could learn how and why everything had happened the way that it did. I told him that I honestly believed that God had saved my life so that I could be a walking testimony of His love, power, and grace. Even when I'd given up on myself, God hadn't given up on me. And I told Timmy that I wanted to share my experiences with others because I knew that there were many out there suffering through the same hardships that had brought my life crashing down.
So we got together that summer and spent a few weeks planning out exactly what we wanted to do. Using his experience as the bully and my experience as the victim, we put together two separate presentations. One would be used in schools where, sad to say, we weren't allowed to speak of our spiritual convictions. Instead, we used the same morals, lessons, and principals of what God had taught us to help students see the long-lasting effects of bullying. Timmy is great at interacting with the kids. He does a great job of keeping their attention and making them
a part of everything.
We use the second version for our visits to churches around the country. That's when I give my full-blown testimony of what happened and what God did for me. At Timmy's encouragement, I also speak a little about my experience with the youth group I attended in high school. Hypocrisy in the church is something I've grown very passionate about; it is the single most detrimental element to a congregation's spiritual growth, if you ask me. And it seems to be spreading like wildfire these days. If I can sandbag the flames at least a little in each town we visit, then I'll feel like I've accomplished something for the Lord.
We hope to one day visit prisons, and maybe even other countries, to share what God has taught us. We've talked a lot about expanding this ministry of ours to include more types of service. Actually, this winter we intend to volunteer down at the homeless shelter to help bring blankets and food to those less fortunate. I know it probably sounds like I'm trying to pat myself on the back for all of these things, but the truth is that I give glory to God for all of it. I'm just a servant; I don't need any thanks. If anyone feels the need to show gratitude for the things that I do, they can show that