*~*~*~*
Several months passed. One night, after a lonely day, I wrote in my diary:
“Dear Dog, I count it as all joy, the loss of my freedom, believing you have better things for me in the future. Please help me with unbelief that crouches at my heart.”
Some nights I cried myself to sleep, but now that Mari trusted me, she would unlock the door when Scylla wasn’t home or sleeping. Then I could visit the animals.
As time passed, I grew accustomed to Judd and not as fearful to be around him, although I still refused to talk to him. Was he, indeed, a follower of the king? I struggled to believe it was possible. At times, I still wanted to hate him, for he had not suffered like me. On those days, I prayed hard for the king to help me.
I had forgiven enough to please the king, but not so much that I gave up all my pain. Fear and worry had been my constant companions since birth. Even if I gave them up on a good day, when I was feeling strong, one or the other would return and torture me the next day or the next. I didn’t know how to make forgiveness stick. I didn’t know how not to worry.
Even if I could, what would fill up that huge hole in my heart the unwanted intruders left behind? I didn’t know how to be like the king, even though I tried.
Months passed. Scylla fell into deep depression and rarely came out of her private quarters. Sometimes I’d hear her cry out—although I never understood what she said. She was battling dark demons—enough to keep her locked away for a long time. I was disappointed my father had not returned and that I had not heard from Daniel.
Each day I wrote in my diary another utterance of the king. I prayed his words would become real to me—real enough that I’d be filled with his joy.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”
I lamented. If only I could remember the rest that the king said. When would I hear his voice again?
Chapter 33
TERRIBLE NEWS