Chapter One
Time With Friends
Paul and I had known Ben and Linda for a long time, long enough to make me feel ‘old’. In fact, it was through us that the pair met. Linda had been a close friend of mine when we were both part-time clerks in an accountancy firm. She was working her way through college; I was expecting my first child.
Ben on the other hand was a friend of Paul’s; they’d met at the gym and often played basketball together. Ben and Linda were eventually brought together when Paul and I threw a housewarming party. The rest as they say, is history.
“Why don’t we do this more often?” Linda asked, as she offered to refill my wine glass.
“No, thanks,” I politely declined. “I guess life just gets in the way,” I added in response to her other question. Life really had gotten in the way, it had been over eighteen months since we’d seen Ben and Linda and in that time, we’d moved again; Paul’s father had retired and Paul had taken over as CEO of the family business.
“I can imagine how busy you’ve been,” she chuckled.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Paul chimed in. He was reaching for his own full glass and leaning causally back in his chair. His scarlet tie had been pulled loose enough for him to undo the top button of his shirt. The jacket of his charcoal suit had long since been removed and draped across the back of the chair. I tried to remember the last time I’d seen him that relaxed, but couldn’t. He smiled broadly, that grin that never failed to light up the room. “You know, I thought life would be easier not harder once I was the boss,” he added, the index finger of his free hand rubbing at his temple.
Ben laughed loudly, looping his hand over the back of Linda’s chair and gently caressing her upper arm with the tips of his fingers. “I’m glad,” he managed to blurt. “If being the owner of a multimillion dollar company is a walk in the park, then you’re going to make me vomit.”
Paul’s laugh was muted, but he did shrug good-naturedly at Ben’s teasing. “You’re doing all right,” he added, a touch defensively.
Ben tossed his bright blue eyes to Linda and they shared a silent smile. Eventually, he turned his attention back to my husband and nodded. “We’re getting by. There are things I’d like to do, though,” he added, his fingers stroking the stem of his wine glass. “I’d love to be able to treat Linda more. You know, I mean you can just whisk Julia away whenever, wherever. Money’s never an issue.”
“Yeah,” Paul acknowledged, “money isn’t the issue; it’s time.” As he shifted his left leg, his knee brushed mine and, even after almost fourteen years together, I felt a spark of electricity.
My face tipped towards his and I wondered if he felt it too. However, there was nothing in his face or his eyes that gave it away. Instead, he continued talking about how insanely busy he always is and the fact that he spends half his time traveling. I was tempted to correct him to three quarters of the time, but it seemed like a petty remark and I knew it would only anger him.
“That must be tough,” Linda said sympathetically. “But you guys are such a strong couple,” she added brightly. “I don’t know anyone else who’s still happily married to their high school sweetheart.”
I smiled at her, before turning that grin on Paul. His eyes however were drawn to his glass, which he quickly drained.
We’d been sixteen, both starting our junior year, when I moved schools. At the time, I’d thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I distinctly remember hating my parents that summer. But in my very first class at my brand new school, I met Paul. I knew nothing about him, had no idea about his family business or how wealthy his parents were. All I knew was he was the most handsome guy I’d ever seen. Dark hair and deep brown eyes, tall, athletic, with a warm smile. The more I learned, the more I liked. He wasn’t just a pretty face or a mindless jock, he had a brain too.
I, on the other hand, had issues. I was a bit too thin, a lot too flat-chested, ignored by the popular crowd and socially quite awkward. I’d felt sure that Paul didn’t even know I existed. Little did I know that he had, indeed, been taking an interest in me. It wasn’t until years later that he confessed to sneaking peaks at me during rehearsals with the dance team. Anyway, at the time, I was oblivious and so completely shocked when he asked me out on a date.
Those years had been magical, I was so in love with this man and giddy at the realization that he felt the same way. It was like every single one of those teenage romances I’d seen in the movies.
“I think it’s wonderful,” Linda commented, pulling me from my memories.
“Yeah,” I agreed, nodding. “It is wonderful.” Another glance at Paul found him examining the desert menu. “I mean, I know it’s old fashioned,” I added, “but I love that Paul is and always will be the only one.”
“Hmm,” he hummed in reply, his eyes still staring at the menu.
Giving up on attempts to get his attention, my own face dropped catching a glimpse of the cleavage that had been enlarged by three pregnancies. In many ways, I was physically more attractive than I had been at sixteen; my boyish figure now had some womanly curves, my breasts were significantly bigger and I felt much more comfortable in my skin. Wasn’t that supposed to exude confidence and make me glow? Perhaps the problem was, I didn’t feel very confident. Although I liked what I saw in the mirror, Paul always seemed to look right through me.
I’m not naïve enough to expect champagne and roses. I realize that the realities of day-to-day life don’t lend themselves to the romance of teenage fantasies. There were other more important things; business trips to go on; a mortgage to pay; children to look after. I just wished that didn’t mean my relationship with Paul had to come last on the list.
“Anyway,” I sighed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the silence. “How are things at work?” I asked.
Linda nodded as she swallowed a mouthful of wine and replaced her glass on the table. “It’s busy,” she replied. “I’ve got two new clients and I’m trying to wrangle a good deal for them both.” After studying literature at college, Linda had toyed with writing for a year or so. Eventually, she’d decided that she wanted to try something different and became a literary agent. A choice that turned out to be incredibly lucrative for her. “I’m thinking of slowing down a bit, though,” she added.
“Really?” I asked, confused. I knew she loved her job and also knew that she and Ben were saving to build their own beachfront property.
“Yeah,” she said, turning to her husband as if seeking permission. Ben gave no obvious sign one way or the other, but Linda could clearly read something in his eyes that I couldn’t, because she grinned before gabbling, “We’re trying for a baby.”
“Oh,” I smiled. “That’s great.”
“We’ve been thinking about it a lot lately,” Ben offered, with a broad grin of his own. “We see you two with your little family and we just think...” he inhaled slowly, trying to find the right words. “Well, we want that too,” he sighed.
I tried to smile, feeling instantly guilty for my rather self-pitying thoughts. What Paul and I had was enviable. I was in an enviable position, I had no business wishing things were different. “Well, I’m sure you’ll make wonderful parents,” I said.
Noticing Paul move out of the corner of my eye, I turned my face and watched him lift his glass, which now only had a small swill of red wine in the bottom. “Enjoy all that sex while you can, man,” he joked, offering the glass toward Ben.
Ben laughed heartily tapping his own glass to Paul’s. “Thanks,” he chuckled.
Linda giggled too, her slender arm snaking around Ben’s neck as she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “It’s exciting,” she blurted, turning back to me and leaving a red lipstick print on her husband’s face.
I guessed she was expecting a reply, but with a false grin plastered on my face, I couldn’t help but turn Paul’s remark over and over in my mind. On the one hand, I wondered if I was being oversensitive. On the oth
er, I felt that he’d taken a very personal swipe at me in front of our friends. Maybe, I silently suggested, his poor attempt at humor is nothing more than a bit of bravado. After all, I’m not the one that seems to have lost an interest in sex. He’s always shunning any kind of intimacy, because he’s ‘too tired’, or he ‘has to get up early in the morning’ or ‘one of the children might walk in’.
“It’s crazy to think that you were pregnant with Lizzie when we first met,” Linda continued. “And she’s what now? Seven?”
“Eight in a couple of months,” I replied, automatically. I’d been unaware of even processing what she’d said let alone formulating a reply.
“Ahh,” she cooed. “Next time we meet up, you’ll have to bring the kids along, too.”
“Yeah,” Ben agreed. “It’s been far too long since we’ve seen them. And I’m willing to bet that Dylan’s becoming quite the little football player.”
Our son was four going on forty. Bright and precocious, he had such an adult view of life. He takes after his father in many ways and had already decided that he wanted to be a professional athlete. Which sport, he was yet to decide. He told me that he needed to grow into his body to find out what he’d be best suited to.
“That’s the difficult thing about being away for days and sometimes weeks at a time,” Paul said, tossing the desert menu to one side and joining the conversation fully. “Every time I come back, they’ve all grown so much. Especially little Kate,” he adds, shaking his head in disbelief. “One minute she was a baby, now she’s a toddler already.”
“They must miss you when you’re away,” Linda offered warmly.
“We all do,” I replied, turning my eyes on him and, for the first time that night, receiving some recognition from him.
He flashed me a quick grin, and I momentarily saw the man I’d fallen in love with. It’s those precious seconds that I treasured. Those were the times when I knew that deep down he was still the same and, therefore, on some level at least, we must be the same. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but the words were never spoken. Instead, he was interrupted by the waitress, who asked whether anybody wanted desert.
Linda, Ben and Paul eagerly turned to her and ordered. I had no appetite for it.