Page 17 of Burned


  Then he turned to Aunt J. Hello,

  Jeanette. You look wonderful.

  Aunt J blushed like wine.

  Good to see you again, Kevin.

  Kevin? Not her once forever

  love, Kevin?

  I’m so sorry about Elaine.

  How are you doing?

  I’m holding up, thanks,

  Jeanette. Holding up fine.

  I’ve meant to stop by,

  but between cattle and cougars…

  I gave Aunt J a quizzical look,

  which she totally ignored.

  You men hungry? We’ve

  got a lot of food here.

  Every time she got nervous,

  the talk turned to food.

  Chicken and biscuits and three

  kinds of salads…

  Definitely nervous. He had

  to be that Kevin.

  Not to mention pie. Pattyn

  helped me with the pies….

  Kevin was her Kevin,

  and Kevin was Ethan’s dad.

  How could she have neglected

  to mention such an important thing?

  I Wasn’t Sure

  If Ethan knew about their history,

  so I sat, semi-stunned, and watched

  the two of them reconnect.

  As they talked, years and regret

  seemed to melt away from Aunt J’s

  face. She was seventeen again.

  Ethan’s dad kept sliding closer

  to Aunt J…or was that just

  my overactive imagination?

  It was kind of surreal, like a ghost

  had materialized from out of Aunt J’s

  past, a ghost who lived right down the road.

  Did they never see each other?

  It seemed they hadn’t, but how could

  that be, with them in such close proximity?

  Had Ethan’s mom known about

  them? Aunt J said she was a friend.

  And how about Stan? Did he know?

  Ethan cradled my hand and discussed

  the pros and cons of the band’s

  raw attempts at bluegrass.

  My heart beat faster, just sitting

  so close to him, and the love I felt

  for him made me even more confused.

  How could Kevin and Aunt J spend

  so many years, so near each other,

  and make no effort to rekindle their love?

  After Stuffing Ourselves

  Ethan and I wandered

  off for a little alone time.

  The air had cooled a bit,

  come dusk, and one by one

  the stars began to fill

  the darkening sky.

  Ethan cinched his arm

  around my waist

  and as we walked, I noted

  other women’s envious stares.

  Having never before been

  an object of envy,

  I wasn’t sure how to react—

  proud or protective.

  Once or twice, really pretty

  women smiled at Ethan

  and that Jolly Green Monster

  bit into me with razor-sharp teeth.

  When we were by ourselves,

  I got the courage to say,

  “You could have your choice

  of pretty women. Why me?”

  You’re like the ocean, Pattyn.

  Pretty enough on the surface,

  but dive down into your depths,

  you’ll find beauty most

  people never see. Lucky me.

  I fell in, headfirst.

  I Was Dying to Know

  If Ethan had any idea about

  Aunt J and his dad.

  So as we watched people

  dance, I casually asked,

  “How long has Aunt J

  known your father?”

  A very long time, I

  guess. He said they

  met in high school.

  “Did your mom go

  to high school with

  them too?”

  No. Dad met Mom after

  college, when he moved

  to Caliente.

  “Funny how both

  he and Aunt J ended

  up here,” I tested.

  Yeah, it is kind of a

  coincidence. In fact, once

  I heard my parents talking…

  Just then a loudspeaker

  interrupted, Ladies and gents,

  the fireworks are about to begin!

  Fireworks

  Gold Red Silver Blue Green

  sprays haze beauty rise eyes

  high sky heaven stuns Ethan’s

  faze plays designs mind find

  sight light perfect divine mine

  inspire desire blessed flow reveal

  releasing unceasing increasing

  love

  Ethan Drove Me Home

  His dad rode with Aunt J,

  and I wondered as we found

  a place to park beneath

  the moonlight just what

  might transpire between

  the adult members of our

  interconnected families.

  Did they, too, find a private

  spot, unroll a quilted

  sleeping bag in the bed

  of the pickup? Did they talk

  and kiss and ultimately

  shed their clothes to lay

  naked beneath a sea of stars?

  For me, it was something all

  new, memory in the making.

  For Aunt J, it would be

  recollection reborn.

  For me, it was awakening.

  For Aunt J, it would

  be reawakening.

  Of course, maybe they just

  drove home, said their

  good nights and nice-to-see-you-

  agains, and went home

  to their cold, lonely beds.

  The cynic in me thought it likely.

  The romantic begged to differ.

  Vibrant Singing

  Woke me the next morning.

  Aunt J was in a very good mood.

  I went downstairs without

  dressing, eager to ask questions.

  Poor Aunt J didn’t know what hit her.

  “Ethan’s dad is your Kevin?

  Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She shrugged. Didn’t

  seem important.

  “Not important? You said

  he was the love of your life.”

  “Was” being the operative

  word. We’re just friends now.

  “But he moved to Caliente

  for you, didn’t he?”

  She shrugged again. Could

  be. Didn’t much matter by then.

  “Sure it did. So how could

  he marry someone else?”

  You’d have to ask him that.

  But I was married to Stan.

  “But what about after

  Stan died?”

  Kevin was married to Elaine by then.

  Marriage is a contract, Pattyn.

  “But didn’t the two of

  you ever…?”

  Ever what? Fool around? You

  should know me better than that.

  “I do. I’m sorry. But you

  still love him, don’t you?”

  Real love doesn’t die, remember?

  But sometimes that doesn’t matter.

  Of course it mattered!

  “So what about now?”

  I don’t know about now, darlin’.

  I can’t predict the future.

  “But the two of you

  are all alone….”

  She looked at me and grinned.

  Not exactly. No, not at all.

  I Wasn’t Quite Ready to Quit

  “Aunt J, I think you should

  give each other a chance.

  You looked pretty happy

  tog
ether last night.”

  We were happy last night.

  But we’re both lugging

  old hurt around, and

  that’s hard to get past.

  I could understand

  that. Forgiveness wasn’t

  easy. But they had to

  try. “Please try.”

  If it makes you feel

  any better, he’s taking

  me to dinner Friday

  night. So I guess we’ll try.

  Yes! One more thing

  bothered me. “I don’t

  think Ethan knows

  about the two of you.”

  Kevin might feel differently,

  but I would never ask you

  to keep secrets, especially

  from someone you love.

  I shook my head. “I

  don’t want to keep

  secrets from Ethan, but

  I don’t want to tell him.”

  Mostly because I didn’t

  want him to know

  exactly how terrible

  my father could be.

  July Took on a Rhythm

  Aunt J and I spent

  weekdays warding

  off the

  heat wave

  and trying to keep

  things watered.

  The garden would

  wither

  without attention

  in the cool of early

  morning. The

  simmer

  of afternoon kept

  us basking in front

  of a big whirling fan.

  Hot

  thoughts about Ethan

  crept into my sick

  little brain. I felt

  out

  of my mind with

  missing him when

  he wasn’t by my

  side.

  After the sun drifted

  low and bloomed rose,

  he’d come rolling

  around

  for evening visits,

  coaxing my personal

  temp well above the

  one hundred

  mark, no matter

  what the thermometer

  happened to read.

  On Weekends

  We’d drive to the lake

  or take the horses for

  long morning rides,

  always bringing

  the rifles along. I

  would never be

  unprepared again.

  Ethan taught me more

  about the finer points

  of marksmanship than I

  would ever have

  learned on my own.

  I was good.

  He was awesome.

  Making love indeed

  became an integral part

  of our couplehood.

  Ethan taught me a lot

  about that, too, and

  somehow the more I learned

  the less guilt I suffered.

  Kevin and Aunt J were

  seeing each other

  fairly regularly.

  Ethan didn’t talk

  about that much, so

  one day I asked,

  “Does it bother you?”

  A little, he admitted.

  Mom’s only been gone

  for eight months.

  But I don’t want him

  to be lonely, and I can’t

  think of a better person

  for him than Jeanette.

  I couldn’t either.

  So with Ethan’s Blessing

  Kevin was dating Aunt J.

  And I was dating Ethan.

  They would go out on weekends.

  We saw each other whenever we could.

  Sometimes we all had dinner.

  Sometimes we all saw a movie together.

  Most of the time, they went their way.

  And, always, they let us go ours.

  It was all too good to be true.

  It was Cinderella and Prince Charming, squared.

  It was approaching happily ever after.

  It was Paradise, awaiting Armageddon.

  Toward the End of the Month

  A letter came from home. I tore it open

  eagerly, to find this, from Jackie:

  Dear Pattyn,

  I hope your summer has been wonderful. Why

  haven’t you written? Too busy chasing

  tumbleweeds? Ha ha.

  Chasing tumbleweeds would be better than how

  things are here. Some vacation! All I do all day

  is take care of the kids. I wouldn’t mind so much

  if I had you here to talk to. I wouldn’t even

  ask you to help! Well, not much, anyway.

  Mom is due in October, and she’s gained fifty

  pounds already. All she does is sit, eat, watch

  TV, and pack on pounds while we kids survive

  on oatmeal and peanut butter.

  You’d think Dad would be happy, what with

  Samuel coming and all. But he’s not. Friday

  nights are worse than ever. Sometimes Dad

  gets home, already half-drunk. I always hope

  he’ll get home totally drunk so maybe he’ll

  pass out right away. You can see the anger

  growing inside him. Where did all that come

  from, anyway? And now it has nowhere to go.

  He can’t hit Mom because of the baby.

  Anyway, I miss you. Hope you come home soon.

  Love you lots,

  Your Favorite Sister

  (aren’t I?)

  It Was My First Real Tinge

  Of homesickness, despite the less-than-

  rosy picture. I did miss Jackie,

  did miss the girls, and I wondered

  if they had changed as much as I.

  Then I had to laugh. It had only

  been two months. How much

  could everyone change? Surely

  not nearly as much as I.

  I had discovered love, sex,

  acceptance. I had found

  a place where I felt like I

  counted, a place I belonged.

  I had come to think of myself

  as not bad to look at, not

  bad to be with, surely not

  in league with Satan.

  I had come to think of myself

  as almost a woman, and

  a woman of value. I had come

  to think of myself as my own.

  So why did I still feel such

  connection with a place

  that made me question my

  place in the world?

  Of Course, When Ethan Stopped By

  That perceived connection

  severed immediately.

  No thought of Carson City

  as we watched a Caliente sunset.

  No thought of Jackie

  while Ethan discussed his day.

  No thought of my sisters

  when he took me in his arms.

  No thought of home

  as his lips mastered mine.

  No thought of Mom

  with the slip of my clothing.

  No thought of Dad

  to interfere with the blending

  of our bodies, the mesh of skin

  and the song of hearts in love.

  August Rumbled In

  Literally. The first week, each

  morning segued into afternoon

  with the grumble of thunder

  over western hills.

  The sky seethed with ozone,

  leaking a scent hot and electric.

  The animals scrambled

  for cover at its steady approach.

  Aunt J and I would sit on

  the porch, watching carbonated

  clouds bubble and blacken the sky

  like a spill of cola.

  We could use the rain, Aunt J

  would say, but dry lightning

  is a monster no
thirsty patch

  of desert wants to meet.

  I didn’t know what she meant

  until the day I saw the greasy smoke,

  off in the distance, signaling

  sagebrush burning.

  I’ve heard a high-rise fire

  is a terrible thing, flames gulping

  down buildings, one story at a time,

  like a twenty-course meal.

  But a brush fire is almost unconquerable.

  Not enough hoses in all of Nevada

  to stop a blaze fueled by drought-drained

  sage and fed by a furious wind.

  Took five days of ’copters and tankers

  and ’dozers, working almost round

  the clock, plus one day of blessed

  pounding rainfall, to do that monster in.

  Both Ethan and His Dad

  Were volunteer firefighters.

  Aunt J and I saw them only

  if they happened to be there

  when we delivered food

  and water to the fire line.