Cara,
Thanks for everything you’re doing!
Love, Mom
I shoved the note in my pocket. She had written my name and ‘love’ on the same piece of paper. I would keep it with me for a while.
That evening, I went home for supper, which was unusual for me but it had been her request. It was just going to be the two of us because Matt was at Grandma’s house.
“Oh, Honey, it’s so nice to see you. It’s been a while.” She walked across the kitchen and patted my shoulder awkwardly.
“Thanks. What’s for supper?”
“Steak and potatoes.” She pulled her hand away and went to stir something on the stove.
“I see we’re moving up in the world.”
“Thanks to you.” Mom turned and smiled. The smile seemed almost genuine. Maybe it was.
I smiled back. It was nice to finally feel like she cared about me. It didn’t even matter that it was probably only because of the money. I set the table while she finished preparing the food. We each sat down to a large steak and mashed potatoes, with a garden salad on the side. While we were eating, she asked how I was enjoying my new job.
I finished chewing the bite of meat I had in my mouth. “It’s really easy. I just go there and sleep. It doesn’t creep me out like it did the first night.”
She paused, a forkful of salad halfway up to her mouth. “You were scared?”
“Yeah, just a little when I first started.”
“I didn’t know that.” She popped the salad into her mouth and chewed, looking down at her plate.
“Well, it turned out fine. I’m really glad I can help out with all our bills. It just seemed weird. But now I’m used to it.”
“It was funny how you believed there were aliens.” Mom laughed lightly, putting her fork down. “Aliens that looked like ghosts.” She laughed again, reaching across the table and patting my arm.
I tried to smile and enjoy her good mood. “They didn’t look like ghosts…exactly.”
“I heard they looked incorporeal.”
“Yeah, I guess they did.”
“Like ghosts and all things supernatural. Like all things that are pretend. And you thought they were real.” Laughing, she cut a piece from her steak.
“Lots of people thought they were real. Not everything supernatural is pretend or incorporeal. God’s real and he’s not incorporeal.” I felt mad. I was trying not to but I did. Why was she bringing this topic up anyway? Did she want a fight with me? I stuffed a forkful of mash potatoes into my mouth but I had lost my appetite.
“Look around. You see God? You feel God?” She waved her empty fork through the air. “No? That’s because he’s incorporeal. You do know what incorporeal means, don’t you?”
“Yes I know what it means. He’s…”
Mom cut me off so I couldn’t finish the sentence. “Okay then, Cara the Dreamer. Let’s not argue.”
Arguing wasn’t what I wanted either. But she had started it. And she was the mom. Why was she always like this with me? We ate the rest of the meal in silence.
Later that evening, as I lay in the clinic falling asleep, I was still thinking about what she had said. But I was sure she was wrong. God was real and he was not incorporeal. Do I know what incorporeal means? Sheesh, I’m in Grade Eleven. Yes, I know what it means. Blinking back tears, I wondered why it still hurt so much.
***
It was night. I was in a field. The full moon was shining overhead. I looked down at myself. I was dressed in black to blend into the darkness. Across the field was a castle. I pulled a hood over my head to hide my red hair and shadow my pale face, in case anyone should look down from one of the windows. Then I ran for the castle wall. I knew why I was here. Time to find out, once and for all. I had to know.
I reached the castle and took off my backpack. Quickly pulling the zipper open, I reached in for the rope I knew would be there. I pulled out a thick coil of black rope attached to a metal grappling hook. With skillful ease, I launched the hook up towards the top of the castle wall. It reached the parapet with a clang. Slowly, I pulled it back to see if it would catch on something solid. The hook stopped and it held fast as I tugged on the rope. I tested it with my weight. The grappling hook remained secure. Quickly, I climbed the rope, scaling the castle wall. Upon reaching the top, I threw the rope and hook down into some bushes below. They were hidden from sight. Crouching, I looked around the dark walkway. There was no sign of movement anywhere and no sound but the wind.
Stealthily, I made my way along the parapet and then down a staircase into the castle proper. All was darkness here too, illuminated only by the moonlight that streamed in through the open windows. I crept along the hall, straining my ears for any sound. When I came to a large open doorway, I peered inside but I saw nothing. I knew I had to go in. Something drew me inside. But where was he?
Heedless of any danger there might be, I entered the room. I felt so close now and I just had to know, had to see him, had to touch him.
Blazing lights shattered the darkness. I cried out and put my hands up to my face. My fear ebbed away, leaving a feeling of peace behind. My arms dropped to my sides and I looked around. I stood on a white tiled floor. Above me shone a bright white light. I couldn’t see what the rest of the room looked like because the light didn’t reach the walls. Whatever else was there was cloaked in shadows. Then I noticed someone standing with me, dressed in white. I had found him.
Even though I was looking for him, I still felt surprised. Shocked even. It was really the High King! “Hello,” I said in a small voice.
“Hi.” He smiled and the smile reached his chocolate brown eyes.
He was not as tall as I thought he’d be, only maybe 5’9” or 5’10”, only a little taller than I was. And his plain brown hair and bowl haircut didn’t speak of his majesty. But I knew who he was, all the same. I wondered if I should sink down to my knees. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to touch him. That’s why I’d come. I know he’s not incorporeal. But I had to really know. I needed to touch him.
Slowly, I reached out but he evaded my probing fingers, still smiling. So I tried again and again to touch him. But he just smiled and danced around me, always staying in the pool of light but just out of reach. Finally, I stopped and just stared into those smiling eyes.
Then he spoke, a voice that was smooth and warm. “Cara, you could have just rung the bell at the castle gate. You didn’t have to dress up like that and climb the wall. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. I want you here with me.”
I looked down and tears came to my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sad anymore. I’m just explaining things to you. You are welcome here any time, Darling.”
I smiled at that and looked up into his gentle face. “You’re not incorporeal, are you?” I asked quietly.
He shook his head and held both arms out to me. I ran into the embrace. I half expected him to dodge away again but he didn’t. When I careened wildly into him, he wrapped his arms around me and I threw my arms about his neck. My momentum propelled us and he spun me in a circle and then held me fast. He was solid. I was safe.
“I was thinking that your first time in my castle should be like this.” He held me at arm’s length for a moment and then looked around the room. The place lit up and suddenly we were in an ornate grand ballroom. “And this.” He looked down at my clothing and my black, night camouflage gear became a sparkling, pale blue, Cinderella dress.
I looked up at the High King and gasped. Now he looked the part. Gone was the white clothing, replaced by kingly attire in maroon and navy. A golden crown rested on his head. At the sight of him, I could hardly keep my feet. I just wanted to fall down and worship the High King. But he pulled me closer as music started. My heart soared as I fell into step with him. We danced.
***
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a while. The feeling of security didn’t fade. I was welcome there anytime. And he w
asn’t incorporeal.
It slowly dawned on me that I was somewhere unfamiliar. I looked around the dimly lit room. It seemed I was in a therapist’s office, reclining on the type of couch-bed I’d seen in television shows. The room was nicely decorated with floral paintings in golden frames. I felt at peace. The atmosphere was comfortable. I glanced around again. There was a man sitting at a desk. This must be my therapy session. I hadn’t been here before, had I? I paused for a moment to think. Wait… was this real or just another dream? Maybe it didn’t matter if it were a dream. Maybe I should just go for it, either way. Seriously, maybe I needed help with everything that was going on in my life. And dream therapy would probably be as helpful as anything I could get in the real world anyway.
So I started talking, just letting everything spill out. “I think I need… help. I feel like things are just so messed up. Dennis, my first and only boyfriend, broke up with me because he thinks I’m a bad person. He was mean and then he rejected me. And he blamed me for everything. He told me that I was a dream-sharing prostitute and that we couldn’t be friends. And he yelled that to me at school, in front of everyone. My mother is harsh too. She always loved my little brother better. He’s her biological child. I’m adopted. I don’t think she ever really loved me. She’s…well it feels embarrassing to say… and I think it’s in the past now anyway since I’m making money and staying away most of the time. It hasn’t happened for months. But she was physically abusive. I feel like I’m all alone. Is dreaming going to be all I have? It feels that way. I don’t even have any friends really. No one close anyway.” The stress of bringing everything out into the open made me chuckle nervously. I was sure I sounded like a crazy person. “Sorry to unload on you like this. I don’t mean to sound crazy. But that’s what therapy’s for, right?”
“Dreaming isn’t all you have, Cara.”
“It’s not?” He knew my name. It was nice to have someone use my name. And he had a kind voice.
“No. You have so much more than that. Your life is so very important.”
“Really?”
“Yes. And I’m going to help you see it. So, first things first. You need to forgive your mother and Dennis.”
This was a funny kind of therapy. They didn’t usually tell you what to do so bluntly, did they? Maybe I didn’t want to forgive them. At least not yet. “But how they treated me was really wrong. They hurt me and left me all alone.”
“Yes. What they did to you was terribly wrong, especially your mother. She’s the one that should have been taking care of you and helping you. Instead, she was harming you. That’s terribly wrong.”
“So I shouldn’t forgive them. Because what they did was really wrong.” I stared up at the ceiling, listening for his reply.
“Forgiveness is deciding not to stay angry at someone even though what they did was wrong. Forgiveness is giving up your right to vengeance.”
“But…they deserve my anger, don’t they? They didn’t even say they were sorry.”
“Forgiveness is for you, as much as it is for the other people. If you don’t forgive, a bitter root will grow inside you, poisoning every relationship you have.”
“Well, that’s not a problem. I already told you, I don’t have any relationships.”
“Cara…”
I looked up at the man at the desk for the first time and was astonished to see that it was the High King! “Oh!” I felt horrified that I had spoken back to him like that.
“You have to forgive, because I forgive you. I absolve you of every wrong. And I ask only that you forgive others.”
I sat up, swiveled on the divan and swung my legs down so my feet rested on the floor. Looking at my hands, tears came to my eyes. “Thank you,” I said quietly. “Thank you for forgiving me. I know I don’t deserve it. Please forgive me for the sin of unforgiveness.”
“I forgive you, Cara.”
I folded and then unfolded my hands. “I want to forgive because you say to, but I don’t feel it in my heart. What can I do?”
“You were right when you said that you need help. I can help you. Just ask me for what you need.”
“Please help me to be able to forgive them.” Immediately I saw them in my mind, both my mom and Dennis, with a cloud of deep darkness around them. The reason they had acted that way was that they were in bondage to darkness. They were suffering both from hurts in their pasts and from current spiritual torment by the forces of darkness. Tears sprang to my eyes. “Oh! It’s so terrible… so sad! I forgive them. I forgive them!” I looked up at the High King. “What would help them?”
“Choosing me and forsaking all else. That’s what would save them.”
I looked into eyes as deep as the universe. “I choose you.”
“I know you do, my Cara. And I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to give you an unexpected end.” He was smiling a little. His face was…happy. “And now, I need you to do something important for me.”
“What?”
“I want you to carry me across the water. You need only believe.”
“I do believe! I mean… I want to believe. You know I want to. Help me to believe better!”
The king smiled. “You have faith enough for the task at hand. Follow me.”
I followed the king through the doorway. Instantly, I found myself in a dark forest. It was night. I had lost sight of the king. I was disoriented. It was like I was having double vision, like I had been split into two people and was seeing from two different vantage points. “Where are you?” I shouted. “I don’t see you! How can I carry you across the water? I don’t know what to do!”
You will know what to do. The calm thoughts came into my mind and I knew they were from the High King.
Far below, a river flowed. It was like I was hovering over the water. By the light of a crescent moon, the water looked black. I felt afraid. The situation didn’t seem safe. There was a canoe in the river. I was in the canoe and hovering above it at the same time. The me in the canoe felt excited. I had a paddle in my hand. It was an adventure – some type of competition. He’s counting on me. I can do this! Won’t everyone be surprised that I’m so far ahead! The me hovering above felt horrified that I was in a canoe, in the dark, on a swiftly flowing river. Canoeing is not one of my strengths. I felt certain that disaster was imminent. The me in the canoe was paddling and the water was moving faster.
The me above the canoe was suddenly too scared to even make a sound. I saw, off to the left of the canoe, an impossible rectangular hole in the river where water was swirling downward. The canoe was being tugged towards the hole. The me in the canoe didn’t see the hole and was completely unaware of the danger. But I paddled harder when I felt the tug - I was having fun going so fast. The current carried the canoe past the threat.
The me in the canoe knew that, ahead somewhere, was the part of the race where I’d have to dive into the water to get something. Would I be able to find the item under the water in the dark? Would I have the courage to do it? I knew that I would. I would do it; I would find it and I would win. The me watching the race was totally panicked. Why am I paddling in the dark? And thinking of jumping into the water? Am I crazy!? I wondered if the canoe itself was sound. Is it taking on water? The me in the canoe was confident. I eased my shoes off. Not only am I going to do this for the High King, I’m going to win it for him!
The canoe slowed and I knew it was time. I stood, feeling a swell of courage. The me hovering in the dark sky above rushed down and melded into the me in the boat. No longer double-minded, I was not afraid. I knew what to do. I scanned the surface of the water but saw only the reflection of the black, night sky.
I kicked off my shoes and stood up. The canoe swayed gently beneath me. Then, without a moment of doubt, I jumped, feet first, into the water. A splash. Bubbles tickled my ears and nose as the cold water stole my breath. But I didn’t surface. I need to do this now. Angling downwa
rds, I kicked as hard as I could. With my hands out in front of me, I descended into total blackness. Deeper still, I saw something glowing. I must be nearly at the bottom. My lungs burning for oxygen, I kept kicking fiercely. I had to do this. The glowing object was right before me now. I reached out and touched it. The panic that had been building inside me flowed away. It was some sort of cup…so beautiful. But it was stuck in the mud, half buried. I dug in the mud with my fingers. When I tugged on the cup again, I pulled it free. It was an ornate, golden, jeweled chalice. The light from the chalice pushed back the darkness as I swam up. I broke the surface and gulped the fresh air. The sun was rising. It was a new dawn. I swam to the shore and pulled myself up, one-handed, onto the slippery muddy bank. I stood shakily, breathing deeply as water dripped from my clothes. The task had taken all I had.
I looked down at the treasure I now held. By the light of the new day, I could see that there was an inscription on the chalice. I wiped the little remaining mud from the gold and looked more closely. In fancy script was one word: Hope. A fresh excitement swelled within me, forcing away the exhaustion. A drink from this chalice would bring hope back into the world, one person at a time. I looked into the cup and wasn’t even surprised to find red juice there. As I drank deeply, a new hope and unspeakable joy filled my heart. I held the chalice tightly to my chest. I would serve the High King forever.
But what had he meant when he said that I should carry him across the water? I looked around. I didn’t see him anywhere. When I looked behind me, there was no longer a river but a lake, so vast I couldn’t see the other shore. My canoe rested in the reeds nearby. Then I knew what I had to do. I would bring the chalice to the people on the other side, the people who didn’t know the High King. I would bring them his hope.
***
When I woke up in the morning to the white-walled, sterile room, it was with a new confidence. I’m all in for this adventure, I prayed. I can do this! I will do whatever you’re calling me to!
Chapter 7 – Let’s Run Away