“I can’t say,” Thibault responds. I mount the stairs to the sound of whispers, sadder about my situation than I was before I came downstairs, and I didn’t think that was possible.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I feed Tee for twenty minutes, trying to empty my head of the sad, angry, and stressed-out thoughts that keep banging around in there. I need to have my brain clear and firing on all cylinders if I’m going to get out of here and on the road with any kind of plan. Right now all I can think about is May and Jenny saying how much easier it is to raise a baby when you have someone to help. For the moment I have Thibault. Tomorrow I’ll have no one. For the first time since I hit that man with my car, my problems seem insurmountable.
I get up to go to the bathroom, leaving Tee in his bassinet. I pause after opening the door when I realize that the voices downstairs are coming right up the staircase, easy enough to hear, as if the conversation were going on in front of me. The girls must be in the hallway, getting ready to leave.
“You’re not doing so well, are you?” Jenny says.
Thibault hisses out a breath. “I don’t know. I think it’s my leg. My knee is bothering me.”
“I don’t think it’s your knee,” May says.
“No, definitely not the knee,” Jenny agrees. They sound like they’re sharing a joke.
“Lack of sleep, then.”
“Or the sleep,” says May.
“No, not the lack of sleep, either,” Jenny agrees.
“What, then? Do I want to know?”
“You like her,” Jenny says.
“So romantic,” May says. “Love at first hit.”
“Hit? Don’t you mean sight?” Thibault asks, surprising the heck out of me by not telling her she’s nuts right off the bat. He does sound like he’s exercising a lot of patience, though.
“She hit you with her car, so she obviously didn’t see you. It’s like love at first sight, but instead she hit you.” She pauses. “Less subtle, but I like it.”
“You two . . . You’re always looking for trouble.”
“I think you’re the one looking for trouble this time,” Jenny says.
May’s voice is lower, but I can still hear it. “You’ve fallen for a gangster’s girlfriend. Are you insane? What’s gotten into you?”
I’m instantly upset. So much for trust. He told them about Pavel even after I told him not to. If I were sticking around, I’d give him a serious piece of my mind.
“Love at first hit,” Jenny says matter-of-factly. “Took him down in one shot. The mighty Thibault has fallen.”
“Seriously, you two need to stop. This is not happening. You’re dreaming. Fantasizing. Bored with your married lives and trying to stir up trouble.”
Jenny gasps loudly. “How dare you.” Then she giggles. “As if married life with four kids could ever be boring.”
“Or two dogs and one child,” May says.
“I already told her she’s not my type.”
There’s a long silence before Jenny speaks. “Why in the heck would you do that?”
His voice sounds funny. Younger. “I don’t know. It just came up.”
“Oh, baloney,” May says, laughing. “You’re afraid of her. I can totally see it. You were like, ‘Oh, don’t get any ideas . . . I’m a bachelor for life,’ and she was like, ‘Dream on, you wish,’ and the whole time you guys are both sweating each other.”
“Is she for real?” Thibault asks.
“I’m afraid she is,” Jenny says. “Come on, May. Time to go. I have to bring Jacob to therapy in a half hour. I can’t be late.”
“I haven’t fallen for anyone,” Thibault says, sounding a little desperate, if my ears aren’t mistaken. “I’m just helping her out.”
The girls respond in tandem. “Yeah, right.”
Footsteps come toward the foyer, so I back farther into the room. But I leave the door cracked because I’m a glutton for punishment and my curiosity is piqued to the max.
Thibault’s voice is very low. I have to strain my ears to hear him. “So, if I can convince her to stay a while, would you be willing to help me and Mika out or not?”
“See? He’s already referring to him and her as a couple,” May says.
“Strange how he doesn’t see it, though, isn’t it?” Jenny says.
He hisses at them, whispering loudly. “Would you be quiet? I’m standing right here and Mika is just upstairs.”
“Yes, but you have man-hearing,” May says.
“Yep,” Jenny says. “Man-hearing. Otherwise known as selective hearing. So we have to speak up.”
“I hear everything you say. Doesn’t make it right.”
“Denial is not just a river in wherever, Thibault,” May says.
“Egypt,” Jenny says. “The Nile is in Egypt.”
“That’s what I said. Wherever.”
“Dear Self . . . Remind me not to let Auntie May teach my children geography.”
“Watch it, lady, or Ozzie and I won’t babysit for you and Dev tonight.”
Jenny’s voice turns into a threatening hiss. “I will seriously kill you if you back out on me. Dev and I have plans.”
Thibault clears his throat. “Are you in or are you out?”
“As if you even have to ask,” Jenny says.
“Just tell us where and when you want us, and we’ll be there,” May says. “With bells on.”
“Excellent,” Thibault says. “I’ll go see Ozzie later today. If I can convince Mika.”
“He’s going to be gone all day, but come over to Jenny’s place tonight and you can talk to him. Eight thirty, after the kids are in bed. I’ll get him warmed up for ya,” May says.
“You can do it,” Jenny says. “After all you’ve done so far for her, she has to see that you’re a good guy. And I know you couldn’t give us details beyond what we already knew from Toni, but it sure seems like she could use a friend right now.”
My heart squeezes in my chest at her words. He didn’t tell them anything. He didn’t betray my trust. It makes me feel light-headed, which tells me how important that was to me.
“Yeah, but she doesn’t want my help. She says I’m too pushy.”
“Well, you can be . . . stubborn about some things, but that’s one of your best qualities,” May says.
“It doesn’t sound like a good quality when Mika talks about it.”
“She just needs more time with you, to see that you’re not pushy-controlling, you’re just super-focused on helping people,” Jenny says.
“Like Superman,” May adds.
“I really wish you guys would stop saying that about me,” he says, sighing. “It’s not a compliment.”
“Okay, no more Superman comments. Come on, May. I have to go. For real. No more chatting or psychoanalyzing. Jacob is going to be waiting.”
It’s one thing for them to say I need help; that idea just gets my back up because I’ve been taking care of myself for so long and it’s all I know. I’ve survived this long, so I don’t think I need help. But for them to say I need a friend? I honestly can’t argue with that. I know Tee and I could really use one of those, probably more now than I ever have in my life.
“I’ll see you at your place tonight,” Thibault says. “Wish me luck at convincing her.”
“Just flex your muscles a few times. That’ll impress her.” May giggles.
“Nah, she’s not into me. It’s not like that.”
Jenny sighs. “Whatever you say, Big T. Whatever you say.”
The front door opens and footsteps move across the foyer. “She’s really not,” he says. “She told me.”
May’s voice fades out as she walks through the door. “Methinks you both doth protest a little too much!”
I slowly withdraw into the room until I’m sitting on the bed, the baby on the floor next to my feet in the bassinet. He’s sleeping soundly in his new hand-me-down onesie, wrapped in one of Toni’s baby blankets. He makes such a pretty picture. And I just shared a muffin an
d a coffee with two nice women who really like the man who has pledged to help me. It all seems so normal. I can’t have this life now, but I’d like to someday.
I hear footsteps on the stairs. I quickly lie down on my side on the bed, facing away from the door. I can sense Thibault’s presence outside my cracked door, but he doesn’t do anything but continue on down the hall to his room. I’m both relieved and sad when he doesn’t try to talk to me.
The teasing he endured from the girls makes me feel so conflicted. Do I want him to like me? Hope sparks for just a moment as I imagine what that would be like, but then reality settles in. No, of course not . . . My world is no place for a man like Thibault; he deserves better than what I can offer.
The revelation makes me very sad.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I didn’t mean to fall asleep, but the warm room, the baby sleeping, and the muffin in my belly proved to be too much. When Tee wakes me up, it’s almost noon.
The house is completely silent except for the ticking of the clock. I put Tee down in his bassinet and look around the house, but Thibault is gone. I find a note on the counter next to a sandwich on a plate.
I had to go to the store for a few things and I need to see the surgeon about my knee. Lucky’s working from home. He said he could drive you to the bus station if you couldn’t wait for me to get back. Don’t answer the door if you can help it. The alarm is on and it’s probably safer if you keep out of sight until we know more. The code is 0220 if you need to leave. I hope you like the sandwich. It’s my specialty. Thibault
I lift the top slice of bread and find a piece of bologna slathered in mustard underneath. I can’t help the laugh that pops out of me.
I take a bite of the Thibault Special, sure I’m going to hate it, but surprised when I don’t. He’s hidden pickles underneath the meat. I munch away as I re-read the note a few times, trying to decode the message I know is hidden beneath the words.
He told the girls he wants me to stay, that he’s going to try to convince me, but then he arranged for someone else to drive me to the bus station while he’s gone? Is he playing games? Most men I’ve known have been masters at this kind of thing, but something is telling me that Thibault’s not doing that. I take another bite of the sandwich, the gears in my brain turning and turning.
If I assume he’s not playing games, what does this mean? Is he backing off, letting me have the space I have made it very clear I need? If he is, I know this is a big step for him. Not only have I seen him being pushy and bossy from the moment I met him, but both Jenny and May talked about it enough that I know it’s one of his main character traits. Is he worried I’m falling for him, so he’s stepping back? That doesn’t feel right, because I can’t think of a single moment that I flirted or encouraged May and Jenny’s being silly about us.
The idea that he’s so easily rid of me is bothersome. Mostly because I know it shouldn’t be bothering me. I take another bite of the sandwich. The food is salty, which makes me notice a bottle of water on the counter. There’s a yellow sticky note on it with Thibault’s handwriting:
Drink all of this.
I smile. Yeah, he’s bossy. I take the top off and down almost half of it before stopping. So this invitation to walk away without him even being involved was definitely a big deal for him. Letting go and letting someone else call the shots is not his strong suit. Is he hoping I’ll take him up on it? Wishing I wouldn’t? There’s no way for me to know.
I walk back upstairs to check on Tee. He’s too cute to leave in the bassinet, so I bring him into bed with me. I put him down next to me and stare at his face, my eyes skimming over his fine features: his tiny, almost invisible eyebrows, his itsy-bitsy eyelashes, his little button nose and wrinkly lips. He’s perfect, and I so want to give him a safe and happy life. Getting onto a bus going nowhere seems like a really bad idea right now.
I try to imagine our destination and what we’ll do when we get there, where we’ll live, how we’ll survive, and my mind feels too heavy to manage the visions. Slowly, the room goes dark as my lids fall closed . . .
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
When I wake again, it’s almost four thirty. After feeding Tee and changing his diaper, I go downstairs with him in my arms. There’s another note on the table and more food. This time it’s takeout—ribs, a hamburger, and corn on the cob. I take a bite of the hamburger as I read the note.
Sorry I missed you again. I had to run into work for a little while and then I have to go to Jenny’s place. I should be back in time for a late dinner. If you feel like waiting up, I’ll have pizza. If not and you’re hungry, there’s food in the fridge and I’ll see you in the morning. Thibault
PS. Thanks for sticking around. But if you need to go, Lucky should be there until 7:30 and I’ll be back not long after that.
I battle with myself for less than a minute. I’m not going anywhere tonight. I’m a needle and this whole area is the haystack; Pavel isn’t going to find me this quickly. And even if he does find the house, he’ll never see me in it, and there’s an alarm. I’m too tired, too hungry, and too out of hope about what I can accomplish with a newborn baby in my arms to think of going anywhere right now. I just want to take a time-out from my life and make all the important decisions later. I wish Thibault were here so I could talk to him. At least he gets me fired up; right now I feel totally . . . blah.
I watch TV numbly for a few hours before I give up on finding anything worth watching. Duck Dynasty reruns really aren’t cutting it for me, and the home decorating shows just make my heart hurt. I don’t even have a home, so forget about decorating.
I look through Thibault’s photo album again. It’s both charming and sad. Crazily enough, it makes me jealous. I hate that I can’t watch other people enjoying their lives without wishing I could have what they have. I close the cover before I get to the last pages because it’s too painful for me right now to see happy people living happy lives. Thibault is alone in every picture, with no woman at his side, but that’s how he wants it. He made that perfectly clear.
Tee demands his dinner, so I do the mom thing and then the fire hose thing again—I’m going to have to buy Thibault some paint for his wall.
I look around the living room, Tee dressed in clean clothes and a new diaper, wrapped up like a burrito. What am I going to do now? Thibault won’t be home for more than an hour. I need some air. Thibault gave me the alarm code, so he’s obviously okay with me leaving the house. The idea of getting out lifts my spirits. I’m feeling too cooped up. I’ll just take a little walk, and hopefully it’ll clear my head of all this fog that’s settled in.
I don’t have a stroller, but I don’t need one. Tee weighs six pounds. My purse weighs more than that, and I can carry that thing around all day long. And my cramps have subsided, so I’m actually feeling a little energetic. I reach the bottom of the driveway with my borrowed flip-flops slapping away at my heels and turn right. I seem to recall passing a park or something on the way into the neighborhood.
The walk takes a lot longer than I thought it would. Two blocks turns into three and then four and five before the park comes into view. By the time I finally make it, the sun is starting to set and my body is aching all over.
“What the hell, Tee?” I sit down gently on a bench near a swing set. “What is wrong with this body of mine?” I know I just gave birth a couple days ago, but damn . . . I’m only twenty-seven. I shouldn’t feel like I’m fifty.
I take a few deep breaths and look around me. This place has seen better days. Two of the three swings are broken, and there’s trash overflowing from multiple bins. There’s no one here but Tee and me, though, so I’m not worried. It’s not like Pavel is going to come sauntering by or anything. This place is probably safer than Thibault’s house if Pavel is hunting me down using my cell phone signal.
Bugs and other creatures start singing. The night deepens. Time slips away from me, and Tee grows ever heavier in my arms. I wonder what Thibault is doing r
ight now. He’s probably at Jenny’s house, hanging around all of his friends and co-workers. I’ve never had that experience—being able to spend quality time with my colleagues. Quality time to Pavel’s people meant shooting up, or shooting somebody up. Not my thing. No, I always went home as soon as I was done doing his work, and I stayed put. It was rare that Sonia or I had visitors at our apartment. Pavel would come by once in a while, but usually only when he was drunk. I always locked my door and pretended to be asleep. Well, almost always. There was the one time I didn’t lock my door fast enough . . .
A sound startles me out of my trip down memory lane. Someone’s foot kicked a stone or something, and it rattles across the blacktop.
I look around and see a figure approaching from a couple blocks away. He’s moving slowly. I can tell it’s a man by the shape and width of his shoulders. He pauses, staring at the park, and then continues on.
My heart races as I try to size him up. Is he tall like Pavel or stocky like Thibault? Or neither? He has a peculiar gait, making me think he’s drunk or high on something. As he gets closer, I realize how stupid it was for me to come out here to a park I don’t know after sundown. Why did I leave Thibault’s house, where I was perfectly safe? Is this what a good mother does? No! I hold Tee closer to my body, trying to shrink down and become less visible.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Mika?”
I’ve never been so relieved to hear a voice in my life. Thibault. It’s not Pavel, and I was so sure it was. I could even picture the expression he would have on his face upon discovering me served up on a silver platter here on this park bench: triumph, anger, excitement over what he would soon be doing to me as punishment for refusing his visit and disappearing. I feel like I’m going to vomit.