Once the dinner is over, I drop them at India’s apartment. She probably thinks that she won’t have to see me again, but I want to give them a few hours without me. Everyone needs their space. I waste some time at home, playing some pointless computer games and wondering if my action has changed her perception about me, but I’m not sure what to think anymore.
Jacob shows up after some time, looking like he hasn’t left his room for a good few weeks. He is unshaven and stinks of buzz.
“Are you planning to talk to Dora?” I ask him as he searches for food in the fridge. I feel like crap. All this time I’ve been so focused on India that I didn’t have time to come up with an idea about how to get him and Dora back together. It’s obvious that those two can’t live without each other, but neither of them will speak out first. They are both too stubborn.
He shoots me one of his looks that says, Leave me the fuck alone, otherwise I’ll fuck you up!
When there is no response I approach the subject again, this time from the different angle, risking a punch. “Come on, man, she wants you! Just talk to her.”
“Stay away from my business.”
Okay, so he’s in a stinky mood.
“India is probably talking to me again, so I’ll ask about Dora.”
“What the fuck, man? I’m telling you to stay away.”
“Shut up! I can see that she has crawled under your skin.”
“You don’t know shit.”
He doesn’t even let me say anymore; he grabs a carton of milk and disappears upstairs. Jacob is so similar to me: he won’t admit that he wants Dora back. I’ve learned that I have to be straight with myself and avoid manipulation or games. Girls hate that sort of thing, but sometimes you just don’t have a choice.
Once my plans with India are set in motion, I’m going to take care of Jacob’s business. Dora plays a tough chick, but at the end of the day she is insecure and desperate for attention. Jacob is the only guy that can put up with her. When the clock in the living room approaches nine, I jump into Jacob’s car and drive back to India’s apartment to pick the party up.
As usual, India doesn’t look too happy that she has to sit with me in the front. She keeps asking me where we are going.
“Just be patient, everything will come in time,” I say, letting my eyes linger over her sexy body. She is wearing jeans that I like, that show off her amazing figure. I need to calm down; otherwise I’ll look like a hell of a moron in front of her mother.
Half an hour later, we reach the hill on the outskirts of town. It’s the same place where I took her on her birthday. As she shuts the door to Jacob’s car she looks confused. Maybe she doesn’t remember that special night with vodka and a meteor shower, but I will always have it in my memory. We came here at night, but I want to trigger those memories back, let her know that deep down I have feelings.
“We just need to climb a little, ladies, and then I can show you my final surprise.” I chuckle, looking at their faces.
Josephine moans that she is tired, so I tell her that I can carry her on my back. Okay, I might be pushing my luck, but if that’s what it takes to make India trust me again, I’m prepared to carry all her family up that hill. It took me years to figure out that I can’t live without her. It’s hot and I struggle a bit, even though Josephine is a lightweight fourteen-year-old girl. Halfway through, luckily for me, Josephine gives me a little break. A few minutes later, we finally reach the top.
“What are we supposed to do here?” India asks, looking around.
I’m lucky that there are hardly any clouds in the sky today. Otherwise, I would have scrapped this idea completely.
“We are here to look at this, ladies,” I tell them, pointing at the sun as it starts slowly hiding behind the horizon. The view is stunning as a radiant mix of orange, yellow and red colours paints the sky in front of us. The clouds burn with sunset hues and I keep staring, enjoying the dying warmth on my face. Slowly I turn my head towards India. She looks back at the glorious view, breathing harder than she should. This is our moment, and I can only hope this will bring the memory of the meteor showers back—and that she’ll understand that this is my other way of saying I’m sorry.
India’s mother gasps. “Oh my Gosh, Oliver! This is so thoughtful.”
“Yeah, this is pretty awesome,” Josephine admits quietly. India is silent, not taking her eyes off this glorious spectacle of colours. Her lower lip starts to tremble, and I keep watching, wondering if I’ve done enough.
The sunset is beautiful; it shines, hiding behind the horizon. After a moment, she turns her face to look at me, and our eyes stay glued to each other’s. Pain, despair and passion moves between us. For that one long moment we are connected, and I know that she is going to give me a shot at being around her just as a good friend. I don’t deserve her love. But we can’t carry on like this. I learned the hard way. I’m never, ever going to hurt her again.
“I think we should go. I have to study,” she says after a moment, breaking the eye contact. If only I can control her fear and hatred. She doesn’t need to feel any of these things. We both suffered enough damage. It’s time to let in some happiness.
“Oliver, this is really special. India, hun, you’re lucky. This boy is an old fashioned romantic,” sighs her mother, sending me a smile.
“I know, Mum. He is unpredictable, right?” she mutters, not hiding the sarcasm.
Fortunately for me, Mrs. Gretel doesn’t pick up on it. She is still engrossed by the stunning view in front of her. After the sun vanishes in front of our eyes, we walk back down. India is quiet and I leave her be. She doesn’t need to feel obligated to talk to me.
We stop at her apartment to pick up the rest of the stuff. The next stop is the train station. The last train leaves in around fifteen minutes, and I don’t want them to be late.
“Take care of her, Oliver. She’s upset, but you can find the way to her heart. We both know that she loves you,” her mum states in a quiet whisper once it’s time to say goodbye.
“I hope she does. She’s everything to me,” I tell her.
It’s not long before they have to go. India gives her mother a long hug and wipes her tears away. Josephine keeps waving goodbye.
When they vanish in the train, India turns to look at me. “Thank you. I had a really nice time.”
She walks away and I hurry after her, wondering if I should say anything right now. My head seems completely messed up. For a split second I wonder if she’ll refuse to drive back with me, walking back to the apartment on her own. Surprisingly, she gets back in the car. I start the engine, tensing my hands over the wheel, fighting with myself and wondering if I should say how I really feel. My heart pounds faster than it should. For a long moment I drive in silence, trying to gather my racing thoughts and think of the words that she needs to hear. I have been thinking about forgiveness in my head over and over, but this time I want to make it right.
The silence draws up the demons from the past. I feel like my fucking brother is sitting behind me, watching me. I want to get rid of him, kick him away from this life. India doesn’t need to feel that raw, hollow unhappiness. He can’t hurt her anymore. It’s up to me to show her that I’m done with emotional games.
“Dora is a mess without Jacob,” India says after a long moment. Thank God for that. At least she is talking to me now.
I take a deep breath.“I have an idea how to bring them back together,” I say, knowing that she probably will appreciate me saying this instead of trying once again to talk about how I feel towards her.
Finally she looks at me, her large eyes pushing me to the edge of the cliff, emotions colliding deep within me. She swallows hard and I wait, wondering if there is any possibility she’ll tell me she doesn’t resent me any longer. My pulse increases and the lust mixed with my preheated desire infuses the air around us. All I want to do is kiss her deeply and throw away the pain that shows in her eyes because I fucked up.
“That would be goo
d. Dora loves Jacob; they are made for each other,” she adds with a loud sigh.
More silence, which stretches for longer than I want.
“India, listen to me, I’ve done this for you and only you. We don’t have to talk about us.”
Fuck, of course we do, but I have to show her that I can wait until she is ready. There is another man in her life and, as much as I want to touch her, I can’t break any more rules. She widens her eyes with surprise, then frowns. “You broke my heart when I thought that you had forgiven me, Oliver. Why didn’t you let it go?”
This is an honest fucking question that I can no longer ignore. Why didn’t I fucking let it go?
“I was going to, but then you said something in that restaurant. I thought…. fuck—” I cut and my voice breaks. “I thought that you slept with Christian because I didn’t show up. Please believe me, I ditched that bet.”
Now I’m completely honest with her and with myself. During that night, my ego had gotten ahead of me and, instead of listening, I went ahead with the bet.
There are tears in her eyes and I’m the fucker that reminded her about that terrible night when my psycho brother raped her. She drops her head down, making me feel like a wreck, not a person anymore.
“I won’t even consider forgiving you, Oliver, until you forgive your mother,” she says wiping the tears away. She opens up the door to the car.
“I’m fucking sorry, India. I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life, but I do love you and we both know that this isn’t about my mother.”
“Think about what I said and carry on with your life because you had your chance and, you blew it. We can’t be together and I don’t know if I want to be your friend.”
Then she jumps out of the car, leaving me in the darkness. For a moment I consider running after her, but my heart stars pounding in my throat. My flesh is ripped out of my chest because India just told me that she has moved on and I won’t get another shot. I feel short of breath and heavy-hearted, but somehow I manage to start the engine.
My mother—is that what it takes for her to forgive me? Most of my shitty life my mother treated me like garbage, and now I have to put it all behind me. Even if I do that, there is no guarantee India will give me another chance.
When I get home, I punch the wall with all my strength, bruising my hand again. I thought that if she saw her mother, she would change her mind. The fucking letter, the video, and everything else I have done seem like a waste of time. She is not going to forgive me the humiliation and pain, so I guess I have to be the person that watches her from far away, the person that gives her space from me.
Chapter Seventeen
Desire.
Present
Standing in the crowd of people, I already know that I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with Jacob. The exams are just around the corner, but he convinced me to show up at this party a few streets away from our house. Since the incident in the restaurant I stopped partying hard like I used to. I wanted to make sure that I avoided temptation. Normally, girls are all over me and this time isn’t any different. Earlier on, MacKenzie caught up with me in the bathroom. She shut the door and told me that she was done with all the guys on campus and still wants to rekindle our “no-strings-attached relationship.” After avoiding sleeping around for so long, I nearly went for it. She sweet-talked me into believing that she was really sorry for what she did to India, that she had changed. Then she started touching me again, running her hands over my chest. For a moment I thought that, yes, maybe I should just fuck her; maybe this would help me to get India out of my head. That silly thought stayed with me for a few seconds, then I pushed her away, pulling back to reality.
Now she is beside me again, barely wearing anything at all. Natasha and Gloria are sitting opposite, grinning with excitement. I told myself that I’d come here for one drink and then be off. That was two hours ago.
It’s been two days since my conversation with India and so far, nothing has fucking changed.
I drink, pouring beer into my system, but alcohol only makes me feel shittier about myself. The girls are chatting, running their sticky hands over my arms, and for some reason they are making me numb, which is a good thing.
“Oliver, tell us, are you over that girl now? Are you finally back?” Natasha asks, biting her lip. She has been yapping the past half hour, but to be honest, I haven’t been listening. I ignore Natasha’s questions and get up. They are shouting after me, but I move quickly through the crowd, thinking that I was an idiot for letting them get to me. Only now I realise that India might have seen me with them. The rumours spread fast and someone will tell her eventually, even if I did nothing wrong. She made it clear that nothing is going to happen between us until I sort things with my mother, anyway.
I walk to the kitchen and spot Jacob in the corner, kissing some dark-haired bird with nice tits. Recently he has been driving me mental, coming home with a different girl every single day. I think it’s time to turn this around.
“Hey, would you excuse us? I need to have a chat with my man here,” I say to the girl once he stops eating her face. She doesn’t look too pleased, but moves aside.
“Fuck off, Oliver! I was just about to take her upstairs,” Jacob snaps, taking a sip of beer.
“What are you trying to prove, man? That you’ve moved on?” I ask. “Just sleep on it.”
He starts arguing, but I manage to drag him outside while scrolling through my phone searching for a number for a taxi. A few minutes later, it looks like Jacob had way too much to drink because he starts throwing up, so I push him to the other side of the house, trying to keep his humiliation to a minimum.
“Are you all right?”
“Fuck off,” he says, continuing to puke. Running my hand through my hair, I back away to the other side of the house, locating a shadowy spot by the tree. At the same time, I’m watching how Jacob is struggling to stand straight. It’s late and I should get him home before he makes an absolute fool of himself. Then I hear someone, a familiar voice.
“Jack mentioned that you spent a day with Morgan. He saw you getting in his car straight after the competition?”
Is that Evans’s voice? I know for sure that he is talking to India. I should move, but I’m eager to know what she has to say. He is talking to my girl, trying to hide the jealousy from his voice. Let’s face it: I should go. Private conversations about me always make me feel like crap.
“He tricked me into spending time with him; I didn’t have a choice.”
“What did he do this time?”
“He went to Gargle and arranged to bring my mother and sister here so they could see the race.”
“Morgan is trying hard. Bloody hell, I wasn’t expecting that from him,” Evans admits.
“Me, either. He keeps saying that he doesn’t want us to be together, that he is happy with being friends.”
“Friends? India, don’t be silly. He’s plunging his way through in order to prove to everyone that he can do it. Morgan is not doing this because he feels bad about what he did.”
I want to kill Evans now. He doesn’t have a right to push India away from me. We both know that, yeah, I don’t deserve the relationship, but I deserve being with her, helping her with the healing process. We were good friends once and we could be again.
“You’re right, he hasn’t earned my friendship.”
I walk away to check on Jacob, who is sitting with his head between his legs, breathing heavily.
India and Evans can’t see me behind the tree, and my mate needs a bit of time to pull himself together before I take him home. Jacob is wasted and pissed off. Dora was at the party. I saw her hanging out with some bulky guy that looked like her father. Evans and India disappear, probably sensing that this is not the best place for their conversation, so in the end I call the cab. As we ride home, India’s words are ringing in my head and I want to force her to tell me to my face that she doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore. Jacob doesn’
t let me focus on my thoughts. When we get home he is sick again, making a mess in his own bedroom. When I finally get to bed, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I could have easily brought a girl home tonight, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to go back being a piece of shit like I was a few months ago.
How can I forgive you? If you can’t even forgive your own mother?
India has a point. I hurt her, humiliated her in front of the entire school, and now I expect her to just forget about it. Maybe it’s time to have a long and honest conversation with my mother, the woman that raised a psycho—my dead brother. If I can look past that, then maybe there is still a chance for us to have a normal mother-son relationship. In the early hours of the morning, it finally gets to me that there isn’t any other option. I have to move backward in order to move forward.
When I wake up several hours later, my head hurts. Jacob is in the kitchen drinking a whole litre of orange juice. It’s Sunday morning and neither of us is in the mood for talking to each other. Jacob lost someone special, a girl that he loves. Now he probably understands how I feel. It’s crap going to bed alone and waking up alone, once you experience that deep, raw feeling that raises your blood pressure every time that other person is next to you.
I can’t stand being at home today. The living room is a mess, and when Jhonny starts smoking pot later in his room, I decide to blow some steam off at the gym. I’m sexually and mentally frustrated. A good workout should help me forget about India. I can’t seem to get away from her, so I work out, pushing myself harder than I should. It’s Sunday and in the afternoon I’m the only freak that is stupid enough to exercise. Most people are probably hungover after Saturday. The exams are going to start fairly soon and everyone needs to chill before the stress begins.
No one shows up for the next half hour, so I go out to the corridor, hoping to grab an energy drink from the vending machine. On the way back to the changing room, I see Dora with another girl entering the building. I glance at my watch, wondering what the hell she is doing here on a Sunday. Suddenly, my messed-up mind pushes a new idea through. This one has nothing to do with India. My mate Jacob needs me right now and the only person that can help him get Dora back is me. Okay, maybe she hates my guts too, but I can at least try to convince her to give Jacob another chance.