I hide by the vending machines, watching people coming in and out. Ten minutes before the film is about to begin, I start to doubt my perfect plan because not one of them shows up. My blood heats up, making me feel like the last loser, but then I spot her emerging from the crowd. She looks fucking beautiful, but something inside me cringes when I see her holding hands with Evans. She looks radiant, probably because she knows that I won’t be around. I clench my fists, cutting the circulation in my hands.
It kills me that he is there, pretending that she belongs to him now. India’s eyes dart around and for a moment I wonder if she is thinking about me at all. You can’t just stop loving someone like that, after just a day. Although there is a really thin line between love and hate, and I proved to everyone that I could be a cruel motherfucker.
Chapter Six
Not enough.
Present
They all vanish inside the appropriate theatre and I have to just wait by the food section and keep watching the door. It doesn’t matter that the film is a couple of hours long. Before the film ends, she will head to the ladies’ room. In most social situations I’m cool, nothing fazes me, but right now I feel like my head is going to explode. My dick is hard and that’s only because I saw her and remember the way I touched her. I held back with the sex to make it more special. Now I have to dream about our conversation.
The guy by the food station stares at me, probably expecting me to order something. I don’t want to look like a total idiot, so I do. Some shitty hotdog and fries. People come and go and I stand there staring intensely at the door. I shove my sweaty palms into my pockets and throw the rest of the food away. An hour and a half into the movie, my patience is slowly running out. India has her own routine with films. Back in high school we used to go out together to the cinema often, as my brother was a fucking boring git and he hated India’s hobby. We both used to order a lot of food and enjoyed each other’s company until that one kiss that completely blew my mind off.
I spot her a couple of moments later, heading to the toilet as I expected. There is no one else in the corridor, so I head to the cinema staff and hand him my ticket. The older guy doesn’t ask any questions and after another moment, I slide into the girls’ restroom. There are several toilet stalls. Fortunately for me, all of them are empty apart from one. If any other woman was to walk in now then I’m screwed, but India is worth the risk. My pulse starts racing as I calculate what to say and do.
Every part of me is waiting for her, muscles straining, shallow breaths and pounding heart. This isn’t me. I normally don’t get taken aback by emotions. I hear the flushing toilet and then she comes out, pulling her T-shirt back in place. My breath seizes as she lifts those eyes at me.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you following me now, just to stab me while I’m down?”
“India, you need to let me explain…”
She keeps staring back, working her jaw. For a brief moment I expect her to start shouting or calling me names, but she doesn’t do any of that. I’ve prepared a speech, but she is too calm.
“So do you think you have everything figured out, Oliver? That you can just barge back into my life, expecting me to kneel down and accept whatever apology you’ve prepared?”
I open my mouth to tell her that she should at least let me explain myself, but then she moves towards the sink and runs the water, washing her hands. Her words echo in my head as she continues. “No, I’m not one of the girls on campus. I came here expecting to start over, put the past behind me. You gave me hell and, yeah, maybe I deserved it, but I didn’t deserve yet more pain and humiliation. You were furious, but I kept trying to talk to you, to apologise—”
“India, please believe me. I told Sam to ditch this idea, but then—”
“You couldn’t help yourself, could you? You had to humiliate me like that. God, Oliver, you had no idea how happy I was when we went out for that dinner,” she adds calmly, shutting off the running water.
She strips me of my confidence and for a split second I have no idea what to say. My pulse pounds in my neck. I clear my throat, not understanding why she is not shouting for me to leave.
“The letters, India. I had no idea … Christian—”
“That Christian was a psycho? Well, I didn’t either, and you have no idea how it was for me then. When you didn’t show at that party. He knew way before how I felt about you. Then after my mother told me about the accident, I thought that my nightmare was finally over, but no. He left his mark all over me, forcing these disgusting memories into my head forever. After the funeral I wanted to tell so many people, but I couldn’t because everyone was grieving.”
She stands over the sink, tensing her shoulders. Her voice is even and her eyes are on me. Blood rushes through my veins like hot lava; her pain is almost unbearable to me. I could have reclaimed her, deserved to be with her if I hadn’t gone through with the bet, but I only inflicted more suffering. I’m not worthy to have her back. The prank changed her and she is not running away. She’s challenging me and I’m losing my breath because I’m still hoping my sincere apology will be enough. India is the only girl who’s made me realise that I’m nothing special, that I can’t have her because she’s moved on.
“Sometimes I don’t think before I act and when you mentioned my brother during our evening, I lost it. I noticed Sam and, I impulsively, told you that I didn’t want you, India.”
‘That’s too bad, because I don’t care anymore. I’m done with running now and listening to your pathetic explanation. We are done and we could have been happy. Just stay away from me, Oliver. It’s bad enough that I have to see you on campus.”
She isn’t that shy India that I remembered from the past. Fuck, she is strong and I’m weak, lost, trying to apologise. Fucking pathetic.
“India, I can’t stay away.”
“You have to because there is no place for you in my life.”
My breath catches, but India is already at the door. I want to stop her, but I can’t. It’s like my own hatred is eating me from inside out, blazing over my body. She doesn’t even want my friendship. She doesn’t want my love.
“Excuse me, this is a ladies’ toilet.”
A new voice startles me. I push my numb legs forward and disappear. A split-second decision cost me India’s love, and now I can’t take it back. My future with her has fallen apart and it can’t be fixed.
I head home. Five minutes ago, for the first time in my life I was going to tell a girl that I was in love with her. But that didn’t happen because she crushed me down, squashing my balls with her bare hand. Now I get how she felt when I threw her love for me back in her face. India is right: I destroyed both of us and all the feelings that we shared, because of my stupid ego.
On the way home I stop at my local corner shop and buy a bottle of vodka. Even that fucking bottle reminds me of her birthday, when I took her to see that meteor shower. She loved it and at least that one time I was proud of myself. Once I pay for the purchase, I head home and lock myself in my room.
For some reason I need to take the edge off my mood. My hands are trembling when I unscrew the bottle. The liquid burns my throat, but in some ways this painful conversation with India makes me realise that I love her so much it hurts my body. She doesn’t love me. Within hours her feelings for me had changed and, yeah, after what she went through years ago with Christian, she has a right not to love me anymore. India probably has never spoken to anyone about the rape, and after Christian’s death she had me. It was easier to throw all that anger and suffering onto the only person that reminded her about that bastard. This makes sense, yeah, it does, but I should have done more digging. Instead, I became her punching bag. She was alone, surrounded by all the people who cherished Christian. Now I keep wondering how she kept going.
***
Present
I’m going to get drunk tonight and get numb. Only tonight. It’s going to be almost impossible to make her trust me again, b
ut I have to leave her alone for a while, show her that I can control myself.
Later I don’t know what is happening to me. I lie flat out on the floor, closing my eyes. The vodka is screwing with my head because I start crying. Fuck, a guy like me doesn’t let this happen, but yeah, the tears are streaming down my face. It’s because I feel India’s pain; my chest rises and falls hard. The understanding of her suffering slams right through my body. Hot and cold pain, insults, and the time after the rape. Only a woman like India could have lifted herself up after a night like that.
My own father died not long ago and I didn’t feel anything, although he never really cared about me. India is the only one who can redeem me. She has already moved forward, grown up, but me, I’m still the same. This has to change.
Next day I wake up with a massive headache. Jacob doesn’t know about my conversation with India. Fuck, I don’t think anyone knows. Dora still gives me dirty looks in corridors, and India shows off her relationship with that asshole Evans. I take it like a man because I know that he has been there for her when I wasn’t. He has my girl for now, but that’s all right.
“What’s the plan for this weekend, big boy?” Malcolm asks, polishing off a whole plate of ribs. I’ve gone back to sitting with the boys from the team during lunch. India is convinced that we don’t have any chance of ever being together, and that’s fine. She has to see that I’m working on myself. The main thing is that I have to stay away from girls. No one apart from her exists anymore.
“Don’t know. We have practice tomorrow, no plans beyond that.” I respond, genuinely not interested. India hasn’t shown up for lunch yet. Evans is cracking some jokes a few tables away. I really want to remove that smirk from his face.
“Listen, man, there is that party in Robinson’s house. I heard that it’s going to be epic.”
“Are you going?” I ask Jacob, who has been silent for most of lunch, but that’s normal for him.
“Probably. You know Dora, she won’t miss a party.”
That’s awkward. Jacob and I with the rest of the team used to be at all the parties. Most of the guys from the team were single, so they were hoping to pick up some girls.
“All right, I might show up as well,” I tell him. He frowns and puts away his sandwich.
“Is that your big master plan to get her back? Parties and fucking more girls?” he asks, like he’s an angel and has never done that before. He was a wild card, fucking anything that moved, but now he is all over Dora.
“Don’t worry, man. This won’t be about any girls. I just want to relax and have some fun. She needs to see that I’m over her before I can start putting something in motion,” I assure him with a wink.
“Whatever, I can smell trouble. Look at MacKenzie. She has her own idea of fun,” he points out.
I look behind and spot MacKenzie, who sends me her most smooth and sexy smile, revealing a lot of her cleavage. She hasn’t given up on me. Nothing, I don’t feel anything for her; my dick is flat, so I turn around. “I’m going to get her back. You’ll see.”
Jacob doesn’t seem convinced, but when Dora approaches, he forgets about our conversation.
“Come on, bear, we need to go,” she says, kissing him in front of all the guys. Then she leans next to me. “I’m watching you, Oliver. If you hurt my girl again, I swear to God I’ll do anything in my power to destroy you. This is going to be so much worse than high school.”
No one else can hear her as she leans towards me, whispering all these words close to my ear with her sweet smile before she walks away.
For a second I want to say something back to her, but then I know that she only wants to protect India, so I keep my mouth shut. My reputation in Braxton makes me invincible and I’ve got to change that, show people that I’m not some cocky arsehole who’s good in sports.
Next day is the weekend and I get up early. Keeping myself busy is a good plan for now. Normally on Saturdays I lie in bed until late. In the past few weeks I was doing that with India. Now I don’t let these memories take over my positive mood. That’s the thing with memories—you can go back to them over and over again. It’s always bliss to think that I made her happy. I have a quick breakfast and then get on with the session at the gym. There I just let go of myself, trying to work out until the pain is gone.
India isn’t with me and I don’t even want to think about her naked body pressed against that jackass. I waste some more time later on. Around five o’clock in the afternoon, Jacob arrives back with a few rugby guys. We have a few beers and discuss the strategy for the upcoming match. In some respect my mind is somewhere else, and I start to question my new plan. She has to see me there. I’m not sure if she is going to show up, but I want her to see that my life is moving forward.
Close to nine in the evening, I put on jeans and T-shirt and head out. The Robinsons are twin brothers. They are on their last year and most of their parties are epic. No one in Braxton knows about my past, and I need to keep it that way. Jacob, India, and probably Dora know that I was a loser, a worthless man, hiding behind abuse at home. Once I came to Braxton I changed that facade, distancing myself from the past. Dora can threaten me as much as she wants, but she has no idea what I’m capable of.
Chapter Seven
Parties and the past.
Present
We all walk for about twenty minutes to the house by the campus. The twins live there with a few other blokes. I know them all; we used to drink together just after the term ended. My mind seems to be in pieces. Alcohol slowly circulates through my system, waking up my fighting side. Jacob vanishes as we leave, probably meeting Dora.
I try to stay relaxed, and when we all walk into the house, the temperature in my body rises because I spot India. She is by the window with that asshole. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, but she quickly looks away, ignoring me completely. I pretend that she doesn’t bother me at all, but deep down I’m surprised that she is here. At the beginning of the year, I threw some nasty shit on her, making a deal with the Swedish Alexander. She was pretty humiliated by him and even after the restaurant, she showed up here.
“Hey, stranger, long time no see. I missed you,” Angelica says. She is a girl that I used to fool with around back in my first year.
“Good, kind of busy. Have you seen Alan?” I ask, knowing that if I take her home tonight I’ll be back to square one. I’m moving forward, but she can’t see me as a man-whore anymore. Angelica looks amazing in a short, black dress that exposes her long, lean legs. She bites her lips, holding a glass of wine in her right hand.
“He’s in the kitchen making some drinks,” she says with a smile. “You know, you should dance with me later, show me that you still care.”
A few guys are looking at us. India is no longer in the room. She vanished somewhere with Evans, who can’t seem to keep his hands off her. With red, raw rage building up in my body, I tell myself that I have to calm down. Twice I lost it and twice she told me to go to hell, so I have to keep it cool.
“Sorry, Angie, but I’m only after one girl. You’re amazing, but my heart melts for someone else,” I say.”
Fuck me. Some honesty. Well, that’s a first, Olie.
She raises her eyebrow in astonishment. “So it’s true, then. You’re still hung up on that skinny girl that you made a bet over a while ago?”
“Yeah, that was a mistake on my part. I was a fucking moron.”
“Good luck. By the way, if it doesn’t work out with her, you know where to find me.”
It will work out, Angie, even if I have to do things that I’ve never done before to prove my love. I disappear into the kitchen quickly, before my stupidity takes over. There are lots of rumours that are flying on campus. People are placing bets on the next girl that is going to be my fuck buddy. Sooner or later they’ll realise that it’s going to be all about India, not all about me. I’ve been there and done that.
My thoughts are shortly interrupted by Alan, who is mixing tequila with some o
ther spirit. His brother is by the door, wrestling with someone. I’m the first one who has a chance to try his new drink. I can’t say no. The cocktail tastes like shit, but at the end of the day, I’m here to have fun, and if girls are off-limits, there is always alcohol. Alan turns up the music and I keep having shots of vodka. My mood is getting better, and people are staring at me. Girls are trying, but I stand by the window and keep watching everyone. Dora is dancing with Jacob. She looks wasted. And India, well, she is nowhere to be seen.
The music is good, the drinks keep coming, and the company doesn’t disappoint. So the time passes until my mind goes blank. When I get outside, a few people greet me like I’m their old friend. I don’t know, maybe I partied with them before. I walk around the house and stop, looking up the sky, wondering what would it be like if I had the ability to change the past. Nothing is ever that simple. For a long moment I’m enjoying my own company. Then I hear a noise: it sounds like someone is crying. I take a gulp of my drink and carry on walking.
“Go away, I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”
It’s Rhian, my ex-girlfriend that I ditched for India after couple of weeks of dating.
I have to admit, I’m drunk, but Rhian looks miserable, hiding her face in her palms. There have been many girls in my life, but I cared for Rhian. I thought that I could have a real relationship for once, but then I dumped her like a worthless used bag.