Ikigai
By Aubree Jackson
Copyright 2015 Aubree Jackson
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Chapter 1
How did we get here?
How did everything get so wrong?
When did it get this bad?
How did I get to this point?
Where is he?
***
3 years, 2 months.
He was standing in the art gallery, staring at a mirror, and I had to talk to him. His long brown curls hidden beneath a beanie and his glowing green eyes fascinated by their own visage.
“You know that’s not a piece of art, right Avi?”
“Oh. It is. I’m a masterpiece!” He flashed his large grin at me and took a sip from the bottle of water he had with him.
“Were you looking in that mirror just so you could use that line?”
“Maybe…” He smiled at me and walked away.
This was a normal conversation for us. We had been classmates for a while and even sat next to each other, but we only talked when we were in that art museum. He’d prance around, looking into the eyes of every caricature and trying to make sense of every abstract piece we had. He was simple, even for a film major. After about a half hour of head scratching, Avi made his way to the counter I sat behind.
“Mitch, this place is boring. Go out with me.”
“I’m on the clock, and no.”
He rested his chin on the flat surface and stuck out his bottom lip, like that was supposed to sway my answer. I swatted his face with my clipboard and walked away. It was my job to check all of the art for any flaws that we needed to fix or the piece would ruin: slight tares in the parchment, yellowing, fading colors, every little thing I could find. I’d gotten up close and personal with every piece of art we had on showcase, and a few in the storage unit for special exhibits, and only found a few minor scrapes and scratches. Thankfully, there was nothing worth closing down for.
“Mitch,” Avi sang in a long wavering low tone.
“What?”
“I’m bored! The only thing worth looking at in here is you and you keep making weird faces at the art.”
“Then go home.”
“Come with me.”
“No!”
He put his hands up in surrender and walked back over to the counter. If he wasn’t my friend, I’d sue him for sexual harassment. Actually…
I sat down at the old computer and started to input the data I’d collected from the centuries of art we had sitting around to be looked at by people who could only appreciate it’s aesthetic appeal, without looking into the history of the piece of the artist themselves. Every few minutes or so, I would look up to catch Avi doing something stupid that he probably shouldn’t have been doing at the time. I’d always have to stop what I was doing to keep Avi under control. Giant 5-year-old…
“Hey, Mitch.”
“Hm?”
“Go out with me.”
“Okay.”
I’d never seen him turn around so quickly. I typed in the last bit of information from my survey of the gallery and packed up my things. “Where are we going?”
He smiled and grabbed my hand. It didn’t take long before he was pulling me down the street and to him favorite restaurant.
Chapter 2
3 years, 1 month.
As much as I protested, dates with Avi were always fun. He was just joyous to be around. We walked through the park side-by-side listening to the birds chirping near the fountain that served as a tourist attraction. Avi had been carrying around this small camera and snapping as many pictures as he could. I watched him run around for a while, getting up close to random animals and snapping nature shots before running back to me and shoving his camera in my face.
“These fit you’re aesthetic, Weirdo?”
I rolled my eyes and started scrolling though the beautiful stills captured in Avi’s camera. “Avi… These are beautiful…”
“They’re plain though! Anyone could take those.” He snatched the camera from my hands and ran back a little. “Pose!”
“Excuse me?”
“Pose! Don’t act like you don’t know how.”
He was right. I took a deep breath and pretended I was at a photo-shoot, which wasn’t too hard for me. I made several poses without hearing the click of Avi’s camera.
“Are you gonna take a picture?”
“You’re really pretty…”
“Focus!” I heard the camera snap and glared at Avi before hearing it snap again. “I’m going to kill you.”
He smiled and ran towards me. “I couldn’t help it. You don’t scowl at anyone else the way you do at me.”
I rolled my eyes and turned to walk away from him.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“We just got here!”
“Now I’m leaving.”
“I brought food!”
I stopped. He knew my weakness. I sighed and turned around. Avi’s smile was both adorable and one of the most annoying things I’d ever seen. I slumped back over to him and let him escort me off to the promised food. When he brought me to n empty picnic table, I almost went home, but a young guy ran up with a box of pizza and I decided to stick around.
“I ordered this for us. I hope you like bacon.”
“I’m gluten free.”
He looked absolutely horrified. This wasn’t the first time I’d told him this. I simply waved my hand at him and pushed the box towards him. I could tell he was trying, so I’d at least watch him partially eat this pizza before I went home to eat something I had left in my fridge. He sent me apology messages and chocolates for weeks.
Chapter 3
2 years, 6 months
Though every piece of art in the museum was different and the walls were painted a different color, I could still always count on finding Avi looking at himself. I decided to skip talking to him today and sat down behind the counted and waited for him to figure out I was going to listen to him call himself a masterpiece again. I pulled my sketchbook out of my bag and started sketching something I’d have to paint for my art final.
“Draw me!”
“Sorry, my color pencils don’t come in ugly.”
“That’s not what you were saying last night!”
“Last night I was watching tv in my underwear, eating ice cream, and calling you ugly.”
He gasped and pressed his hand to his chest. “You take that back!”
I scoffed and lightly pecked his lips. “Only if you bring me lunch today.”
He smiled and started walking back towards the door. “Gluten free?”
“100%” I saluted him and he ran off to find me food, which would keep him busy long enough for me to put a dent in my final. A few months earlier, Avi had taken this picture of a small sunflower, nothing too particular, but it stood for so much in that moment. It was beginning its growth in the middle of spring and I couldn’t have been more proud of it. Of course, Avi crushed it after he took the picture, but I still had my memories.
About halfway through the rough sketch, Avi came back with a large carryout box of food and sat down next to me. “I brought me some too, if that’s fine with you.”
“Nope. All mine.” I smiled at him and opened the box. I forked a piece of chicken into his mouth and found a large congregation of vegetables to feed myself. For the most part, we ate in silence, only listening to the light elevator music over head and the light whispers of pretentious art students
that would turn a red dot on the center of a white canvas into a war fit for kings.
I heard a camera shutter and snapped around to catch Avi taking a picture of me with my mouth full of food.
“What the hell are you doing?” I grunted.
“I love you.” He sat there with this dopey grin on his face and his camera in his hands and couldn’t do anything for the next couple seconds but giggle and raise his shoulders. I couldn’t find the words, though most of them he’d already said towards me. There was this presence with Avi that always made it hard for me to focus when he was around. He never really thought before he said things, which would get most people in trouble, but he always said the right things?
“I love you too.”
Chapter 4
2 years
“Avi, these are my parents. Kirstie and Scott.”
Avi laughed as Kirstie rolled her eyes. “Hi, Avi.” Kirstie extended her hand with a smile and Avi took hold of it, shaking it firmly.
“You must be his father,” Avi said in a tone I could almost take seriously. Almost.
“I’m mom,” Scott said pressing both of his hands against his chest, like he was going to attempt to Nel. We all laughed before sitting down to eat. We were at the dining table in my apartment, which had an odd number of paint stains on it, thanks to it doubling as my supplies table.
“We aren’t going to get poisoned by this paint are we?” Kirstie poked at some of it with her hand.
“No! If I’d wanted to poison you, you’d be dead by now.” I smiled and took a bite of the gluten free pizza Avi brought over. Kirstie glared at me and stole a peperoni from my pizza before getting a slice of her own.
“So,” Scott chimed. “How long have you two been together?”
Avi and I looked at each other for a moment. “A year and 2 months?” I double-checked with Avi, who gave me a nod of approval.
“It took you a year to introduce us to this cutie?!” Kirstie sounded offended.
“You haven’t been here to visit, Bertha.”
“First of all, that’s not my name. Second of all, rude!” Kirstie viciously bit into another slice of pizza and continued to talk to Avi while I sat quietly.
There was nothing they needed to ask me. This was their time of questioning for Avi. I watched Kirstie and Scott ask Avi questions about himself and our relationship that no one had ever asked him before. There was this distinct face he made when he needed to think that I found adorable. His mouth would fall open slightly, showing his top teeth and he would raise his eyebrows quickly before furrowing them down. It was like his brain activation motion.
“Mitch, you’re staring,” Avi said without turning his head.
“I’m always critiquing art.”
Chapter 5
1 year, 4 months
Avi was sitting in a windowsill gazing out at the heavy falling rain and hugging his knees. His eyes looked slightly vacant, but still whole, like they were the last time I saw him. There was something drained in him, but I couldn’t nail down what it was. Maybe he was just tired, or not sleeping. That was a common symptom of his disappearances. I was used to him going for a few days at a time randomly, it was apart of his wild and free nature, but for him to have been gone for so long, without telling me anything, and to just show up in a window? I took a picture of him with his camera, which seemed to knock him out of whatever daze he was in and hugged him. He’d been gone for 2 weeks straight with no phone calls or texts after missing a date.
“Where were you?”
“I’m sorry.” He pulled at his hair a little and furrowed his brows. “There was a family emergency and I left my phone at home.”
“Did no one else have a phone?”
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
I patted his head with my hand and leaned against him. “Don’t do it again.”
“I promise.” He looked down at his knees and rested his head there. Whatever family thing had happened, he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, so I kept my nose out of it. He’d tell me when he was ready.
“Avi?”
Silence.
“Are you alright?”
He started snoring into his legs and I realized I’d have to carry him to my place. I maneuvered his bulky body onto my back and walked along carefully until I got to my apartment and could drop him on my bed. I wrapped hi min my blankets and went down to make something for him to eat later. I had a class to go to, so I couldn’t sit around until he woke up like I wanted to. I wrote a short note and left with the food sitting on the table.
Chapter 6
5 months
“Mitch, I know this may be hard for you to handle, and it may be a bit of a shock, but…” Avi took a deep breath and hesitated, like he was telling me something I would believe. “I’m… I’m pregnant. Now, I know this is hard for you…”
“Avi.”
“No. I’m not done. I know this is hard for you, but you don’t have to worry about it, because you’re not the father.”
“Avi.”
“Still not done. The baby is Kevin’s are we’re moving to China to raise a bilingual baby names Chartreuse.”
“I’m going to kill you.”
He laughed and I could distinctly hear Kevin laughing in the background. “Happy birthday, Babe.”
“Whatever. Your theoretical baby wasn’t even mine and it was named after my favorite color. I’m single.”
“No! Mitchie!”
I laughed and moved my phone to the other side of my face. “What do you want, dummy?”
“I want to make sure you don’t have any plans tonight so I can take you out.”
“Sorry. I have a date with this wonderful guy tonight. You know Scott right?”
“Oh, Har. Har. Har.”
I laughed. “I’m free. Where are you taking me?”
“Surprise!”
“Surprise?”
“Yeah!” He sounded so proud of himself. It better be good. If it sucked, I was gonna punch his face.
I got dressed to Avi’s specifications and was basically kidnapped and taken to the fanciest restaurant I’d ever been to. I had never been to a place better. After dinner, we cuddled in my apartment and talked about nothing until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Best birthday ever.
Chapter 7
3 months
“Hey, Mitchie! Mitch-Mochi! Mitch-Kitten! Mitchie-Mitch!” Avi laughed.
“Are you high?”
“No! Where are you?” Well, at least he sounded more sober…
“I’m at home. Why?”
“I want to hold you. I’m coming over.”
“Alright?”
He hung up on me. Within the next half hour, Avi was knocking on my door like someone was chasing him. I opened it and felt his arms wrap around me instantaneously. He took a deep breath and let go. I opened my mouth to say something, but he stopped me with his lips. We just stood there for a moment and took in each other’s presence. He pushed the door closed and stepped around me, towards my bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Come with me.” He held out his hand for me to grab, and I did. I allowed him to pull me to my bedroom, wrap me up again and lay down with me. He just lied there holding me for the longest time. I could tell he was trying to sleep after a while, but something was keeping him awake. Eventually, he sighed and opened his bright eyes. There was something vacant about him, like the spark in him was missing. “Mitch.”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I… I love you too. Are you alright?”
“I just really wanted to be with you.” He pulled me closed and rubbed his forehead against mine. “I missed you.”
“It’s been two days!”
“I know! Let me have my moment. Sh.”
I scoffed and stayed still until he fell asleep, like he was obviously trying to do in the first place. Big idiot.
Chapter 8
2 days
Avi had come over ag
ain just to hold me, which was becoming a habit, but there was something different about him. Something didn’t quite sit right. He seemed more rushed than usual. He practically pulled me to my bed and yanked me down with him. I could tell he wasn’t intending to be less gentle, but something was rushing him.
“Avi?”
He pressed his face into my chest and took a deep breath. “Mitchie.”
“Yes?”
“You know when everything’s going fine and it just turns around and bites you in the ass?”
“Yeah?” I lightly rubbed the back of his head. “Are you okay?”
He was silent. I could hear birds chirping outside my window, singing their beautiful song purely out of happiness whine Avi suffered. The sun beamed in and just crossed our waists before my curtain blocked it off, creating a single stripe of light through the center of my room. I noticed Avi’s hair was a bit messier that usual. I had never seen it this messy.
“No. I’m… I’m not okay.” He grabbed on to me tightly and shivered as a light and silent sob shook free of his body. What ever was making him feel this way has been the same thing that makes him sad every time he leaves. What made it so much worse this time? He was starting to weep into me and all I could do was pat his head and wait until it was all over. I had no idea what was going on. I questioned the quality of our relationship. What kind of boyfriend was I if I didn’t even know what was bothering him right now? Was I worth the trust he was showing me as he cried into my chest with his hands balled up against my back.
“I’m so sorry.”
“What?” I couldn’t even begin to work out why he would need to be sorry. He kept repeating the same three words over and over again against me. “What for? What happened?”
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too. What happened?” I lifted his head so I could look in his eyes and he seemed so broken and empty. This was not the fuzzball I was dating a few months ago. Hell, this wasn’t the same fuzzball as a few days ago.
Chapter 9
0 days
It had been a couple days since I’d last seen Avi, which was normal by this point. After Avi’s breakdown, he left my place and disappeared again. This was becoming too frequent for my liking, especially since I was in the dark about what was going on. I sat and looked at my phone on the table and thought about calling is phone. There was nothing stopping me right? He was more than likely going to have it with him. I reached for my phone, but something was making me nervous. Wasn’t this my boyfriend I was calling? Why would I be nervous? Something wasn’t adding up for me.