No pecs at all.
Scrawny nigga.
The girls love muscles like these.
My skin is so pale.
And.
Oh, no, man.
What's that!?
Yes.
A pimple.
Uhm.
Always in the neck.
Oh, these darn specks!
Relax, brother.
Nothing can spoil this face.
Look.
Uhm uhm uhm.
You're on fi-ya.
What is so special about this white face?
I prefer to have a tan.
Let’s me feel less like the "Whitey" they kept calling me.
Although, no one means any harm by it.
Not like Georgie.
Wonder what became of him.
After Tuesday, January 22, 1991, his life would probably never be the same again.
I stood a little back.
Looked at my calves.
Or the small muscles that were there.
Iron.
I wondered whether they would be able to carry me.
Tonight, I need them more than ever.
I cannot endanger her.
Cannot disappoint her.
If she is weak, I won’t be able to handle it.
Not with everything going on with me.
Don’t worry, brother.
No worries tonight.
They won’t know what hit ‘em.
For sure!
Quite the enthusiast.
If only.
I opened the packet with the things I got ready for Nia.
The most important, were her pills.
She was so absentminded.
Always forgot to take them
So, being who I am, yours truly, Sherwin Esterhuizen, made her a pill holder marked from Monday to Sunday.
It was in the form of a maze.
You had to follow the days exactly, in order to get a black ball from the container.
To open the container and refill it.
Nia liked puzzles and stuff like that.
Nia was also a netball girl.
I thought if she associated the ball with her pills, she would remember to take them.
The pills?
Nia suffered from Grave's disease.
That caused hyperthyroidism.
That meant something was wrong with her thyroid gland.
It produced too much thyroid hormone.
It affected her physically and psychologically.
She had many moods.
Mood swings.
You had to have your wits about you.
Had to have a lot of patience.
I had.
Because I love her so dearly.
Still my words cut deep.
Lord.
She is my everything.
And her wellbeing was my biggest responsibility.
She just had me.
Or so I thought.
Was, obviously, wrong.
Dirty rat.
Roach.
Yes.
She only had a few friends.
I think she preferred it that way.
She did not mean to do people harm.
She couldn’t help it.
I knew it was because of her condition.
She could get really annoyed, really quick.
Dive into depression.
*Snap!*
Just like that.
The hyperthyroidism had an effect on her muscle tissue and affected her metabolism.
That’s why her leg was weak.
The left calf.
The rapid metabolism also made her eat more, but she never got fat.
Or let's rather say, she never gained weight.
Only the Charlize Theron figure.
But, of course, at this price.
Though she never got fat, she still had to eat healthy.
The pills were Lopressor to control her heart palpitations.
That was also as a result of the Grave's disease.
Stress made things worse.
Emotional stress.
The worst was when she could no longer play netball.
Because of her leg.
But also because of her back.
The bone itself was weakened.
For that she took calcium and vitamin D supplements.
To strengthen the bone.
To gain control over the thyroid gland, she also took Tapazole.
Because of the condition, she was always very tired.
Especially in the afternoon.
But she struggled to sleep.
Insomnia is another consequence.
To help calm her down, she drank herbal tea.
Made it herself.
I called it her home brew iced tea and I always encouraged her to make it.
I too... enjoyed it.
Arrrrggg.
And arrrrrrggggg.
*Gross*
I would do anything for her.
Swallow it down.
So that she knew, I was, am, with her.
That she is not alone.
Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.
I love her so much.
It was bugleweed and lemon balm.
I counted the pills and put it back in the packet.
I looked at myself in the mirror one last time.
The cop clothes looked funny on me.
The short pants.
She said she always wanted to see my behind.
Sexy legs.
Mr Sexy legs.
She was such a character.
So complex.
I just wanted to know more and more about her.
All her facets.
Just wrap all of her and protect her.
Relax brother.
It’s just a tease.
Yes.
But.
I'm so aware of my teeny muscles and such.
Makes me feel like a real fool to go on as if I have sexy muscles.
They won’t know what hit ‘em.
For sure!
Okay.
Now or never.
Mika, here we come!
♪ ♫
Relax.
♫ ♪
viii
"Woo-hoo! Sexy, sexy, sexy!"
*Whistle whistle whistle*
"Sexy! Woooooooo-hoooooooooooo!"
Umf.
She sounds so convincing.
Her eyes are open.
Does she mean it?
Does she really find me sexy?
This tall, lean body.
Tennis balls for biceps.
No pecs.
Bum.
Small round drumsticks.
Calves
Tennis balls on picks.
"Sexy, sexy, sexy!"
She meant it.
Her eyes are excited.
She's still on the couch.
Her body slightly to the left.
Her left elbow resting on the little cushion.
It supported her perfectly.
Her legs were both on the pedestal.
At a 45 degree angle.
I could see it slowly massage her calves.
Through the unmatched socks that were pulled up to under her knees.
The one on the left, purple, yellow, orange and red stripes.
Bold.
The left just black and white stripes.
She did not care to wear unmatched socks.
She was very eccentric.
She smiled nicely at me.
She seemed happy.
As if all the burdens were off her shoulders.
Dear, Lord.
Thank you.
All praise be to God!
"Get on with it! Get ‘em, get ‘em, get ‘em!
Woooooo-hoooooooo!”
Excited.
"Let’s see.
But you may not cheat."
She points at me with he
r right index finger.
Looked me straight in thé eye.
Her head slightly sideways.
She was Nia serious.
Would definitely give me a hurt real bad.
Honest to God.
True that.
She sat back and smiled at me again.
Today is a good day.
It will be in our favour.
With Nia positive, I would be able to man the decks.
If she should become depressed, or stubborn.
Heaven, help us.
God willing.
The mood swings are unpredictable.
We will see.
First though.
Let’s get this embarrassment over with.
I know all the moves so well.
I‘ve done it all year long.
Umf.
She enjoys it every time.
Wish she could see herself.
She radiates enthusiasm and excitement.
This show makes her day.
And that’s why I put myself through the embarrassment.
If I felt sexy, it would be easier.
But I did not.
But we won’t have none of that.
Yo, Mika!
♪ ♫
Everybody's got love today.
♫ ♪
"Careful.
The frame is a bit low."
She slowly enters the small room.
For the first time, I see Nia’s feet flat on the floor.
Her tall body slightly hunched.
Seems like her head is going to bump into one of the beams at any moment.
"Sorry it’s so small.
I had no choice.
Had to make it as safe as possible.
The inside of the room is like the inside of a safe.
Can you see the steel in between the wood?
It all shuts here.
At the door.
If you're inside, nobody can come in from outside.
Just you and I can.
Or so I thought. "
Just thought of people.
"Didn’t...
Think of him.
Look."
I pointed to the chest in the middle of the room.
It is in the shape of a heart.
Not an "I ♥ you" heart.
No.
A human heart.
You could see the arteries and veins.
Carved into the wood.
The three legs like the big paws of a lion.
A lion that is about to leap at any moment.
As if the heart wants to jump.
Along the legs, there are little angels with bows and arrows.
On top, there are many flowers and ferns.
I did it all myself.
Yes.
Yours truly.
The wood was mahogany I imported from the Philippines.
Under this light, the chest resembles a dark-reddish liquid.
Almost as if it was alive.
But that’s just the many layers of varnish that gives it that effect.
Nia looked amazed.
She went closer.
Stroked her hand all along the border.
Her slender fingers tracing the detail of the carvings.
She looked at me.
Her eyes almost closed.
She smiled slightly embarrassed.
After going around the chest once, she went and stood right in front of the handle.
I stood next to her.
I was still in the cop clothes.
I was wet from all the sweat.
The show is a workout on its own.
Ha-ha.
"You see the hole along the side here.
That’s how he got in."
She looked at me.
With her head almost next to mine, I could look right into her eyes.
The black now clearly brown.
The pupils very large.
I could look forever into these eyes.
Her expression was confused.
I did not know what to say.
All I could think of was to start at the beginning.
There where my secret began.
Tuesday, January 22, 1991.
At 15:00.
Near the house.
Georgie was pacing.
His eyes never leave mine.
Why is he looking at you like that.
Sporadically, I swear I saw the two upper teeth slightly.
Look at him.
Ha-ah.
It made him seem creepier.
Oooooo.
*Ooooooooooooooo.*
Today the sh!t is going to hit the fan.
You know it.
Coward.
"I missed you, old pal."
His eyes sparkled for a moment.
Ha-ah.
He smiled slightly.
Like someone who was happy to see an old acquaintance.
Ha-ah, ha-ah.
Are you going to allow that?
From another guy?
Ha-ah.
"Every day I thought of you."
Why me?
Obvious.
You’re a pussy.
"Every day. On that... God forsaken place.”
“Stikland."
The word came out rough and louder.
His own fault.
He stopped pacing and walked forward.
His chest almost against mine.
He showed me those two top teeth.
Gums and all.
His eyes were black.
Wow.
You going to allow that?
Ha-ah.
I almost went in my pants.
Do it!
Do it!
Bed wetter!
But I stood my ground.
I wondered if he could see me shaking.
Sissy!
Shaking in your pants.
Worse than a girl!
Simoné's surprise shook in my hand.
You could hear the newspaper.
"What’s this!?"
He grabbed Simoné's packet from my hand and walked away.
Ha-ah.
Look at that.
You are worth less.
Shaking the packet to his ear.
His eyes never leave mine.
Go on.
P!ss yourself!
He gave the packet one last shake and threw it to the ground.
Stepped on it.
Look at that.
Ha-ah.
Rammed it properly flat.
And you’re just going to look.
All my hard work.
Just like that.
Destroyed.
Poor, poor baby.
You going to cry now.
He still smiled and watched me intently.
I felt like that day.
The day he humiliated me in front of the entire school
I saw myself lying there in the mud again.
Screaming like a girl.
With my hands clutching my jewels.
Awe!
Awe!
*Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeee*
Mommy, he hurt my jewels.
Boo.
The anger boiled from deep within me.
I stepped firmer into the ground.
I clenched my fists.
Just held them to my sides.
Who are you trying to fool?
Wuss.
Wussy.
Pussy!
Coward!
My eyes began to burn with tears.
Mommy, I want to cry.
Tears of sadness.
Tears of absolute anger.
Boo.
Boooooooooo.
*Ooooooooooooooooooo*
I watched him.
Today is the day.
Told you.
Mark my words, Coloured.
Then everything went red.
ix
"Sherwynne!
Sherwy
nne!"
Her voice was frantic.
I looked at Simoné.
The large, heavy rock, still in both my hands.
Georgie was lying on the ground.
His clothes were muddy.
His arms protecting his face and head.
He was crying.
"Please, Sherwynne.
Enough.
No more.
He is not worth it."
Her voice was pleading.
I just watched her.
She looked scared.
Concerned.
Her smile was gone.
I dropped the rock.
Georgie got up quickly.
His nose and mouth still bleeding.
With his right hand, he covered his right eye.
With his left hand, he supported the small of his back.
"Going... (spits blood)… to get you.
Bloody whitey!"
He ran away.
Limping.
Simoné came closer to me, but I moved backwards.
Then I turned and ran in the direction of the train tracks.
***
Nia's expression seemed even more confused.
She still looked me straight in the eyes.
I did not know what to say.
The only way, was to show her.
"Open the chest.
Only you and I can open it.
Remember?"
I took the necklace out of my pocket.
It has two charms on it.
One is a bird.
Thé other is St. Christopher.
"You sent it to me.
After…"
She looked me in my eyes again.
Slight smile.
But also a straight pull of her lips.
She shakes her head, as if she remembered.
"They are the keys to the lock.
They fit into the two slots there.
Put them in."
Slowly she took the charms from me.
Looked me straight in the eyes first.
I can honestly look into these eyes forever.
Now, they are so full of expectation.
Uhm.
I hope she likes the surprise.
Slowly she puts the two charms into the slots.
First the bird.
Then St. Christopher.
The bird was so I should go free.
St. Christopher was for protection.
This all according to her.
Just as well.
We will need protection.
Oh, Lord.
Be with us.
Protect her.
Please.
The lock opens with a soft click.
* Click *
She looks at me again.
Then she lifts the lid open.
Immediately music starts playing.
Soft piano and cello.
Every now and then there is a ting.
*Ting*
Chimes.
Almost like a music box.
Nia looked very surprised.
She put her hand on her mouth.
"Do you remember the song?"
Nia looked at me, as if to say, yes.
"Zing! Auditions.
2002.
That's when I saw you the second time."
At the Windhoek Country Club.
Windhoek, Namibia.
"You were listening to the couple who were busy rehearsing.
You sang the song with them, as if you wrote the words yourself.
But you did not.
How could you?
You only met them that day.
But something about this song had you captivated.
You looked as if you were singing it to someone.
Someone special.
You were beautiful.
All the eyes were definitely on you.
You with your tall body.
White-blonde locks, flowing curls, like a lion's mane.
Draped over your chest.
Those big…
Uhm.
Yeah.
Umf.
Patricia Lewis has competition.
Although you sound more like Alanis.
Purple, orange silk dress, with the green and black stockings.
Those stilettos.
Wow!
You looked breath-taking.