I looked at those lips.
How I have wanted to kiss them.
Devour them.
Make them mine.
I was about to.
Finally.
I saw the tip of her tongue.
Then.
The hand.
Her tongue was a hand.
I saw her mouth open more.
Another hand.
They grabbed my face.
It felt like my head was about to be squeezed to a pulp.
Worst was the heat.
It was like my face was placed against a hot rod.
***
I woke up.
My head felt worse than the night before.
My face hot.
My pillow was soaked.
As usual.
At least my mother wasn’t here.
I could still see the image in front of me.
It looked.
Really creepy.
I hoped I would not remember Nia like that forever.
I got out of my bed and went to the bathroom.
It was humid and hot outside.
The moon was out.
Not like Windhoek.
But it was okay.
I closed the bathroom door.
Filled the bath with cold water.
Took off my clothes and got into the bath.
The cold rush of the water.
Like air for breath.
Cold foam to fire.
Aid.
Relief.
I didn’t switch on the light.
Only the faint light of the moon lit the bathroom.
I rested my head against the side and closed my eyes.
I could feel myself drift to sleep again.
I tried to fight it.
No.
Please.
No.
No more.
v
Nia stroked her fingers through the water.
She sat right at the end of the small boat.
On a special cushion.
She looked at me.
Doe eyes fluttering.
“The moon is lovely here.”
She said.
But more like she was just talking to herself.
“That’s not the moon.”
I smiled at her.
She looked at me.
“Of course it is.”
She looked at me with that are you daft look.
“What else could it be?”
Umf.
I liked it when Nia was like this.
She sure wanted to make as if she knew everything.
Ha-ha.
My sweetpea.
A rare know-it-all.
Umf.
Like she knows Utopia.
Like I do.
Uhm.
“That’s actually just the glow of the blue marble.”
I smiled at Nia.
She looked confused.
“The one you sent me for my birthday.
This year.”
She looked at me.
Then as if she remembered.
Yes.
I remember.
I did.
With the charms.
And the books.”
Nia sat up straight on her knees.
Still on the cushion.
A look of disbelief.
“But how, Sherwin?”
She turned to me.
Questions written all over her face.
I loved this face.
Nia sure was one beautiful woman.
“You see.
Even after you… we parted… I still kept building.
Kept hoping.
That we would find a way to be together.
That our heritage wouldn’t matter.
That me, being a Coloured, wouldn’t matter.”
I looked at Nia.
She didn’t look away.
She looked almost sad.
“I completed the tip of the tower.
Of your castle.”
I could feel how my cheeks went warm.
I scratched my head.
Nia smiled too.
“Yes?”
She was anxious to know more.
“The marble is the final piece of the tower.
It is the blue glow you see in the sky.
That blue round sphere in the distance.
That is where your castle is.
The blue sphere will always guide you home.
To my heart.”
I looked away.
Splashed my hand into the water.
Lake Tranquillity led to Protected-Dreams-Forest.
We were not too far off.
The water was dark.
But beneath the surface you could see fish and plants.
The fish all had a glow to them.
Some were yellow.
Others blue.
Some a vibrant red.
Others had strange pulsing glows to them.
These were predominately purple.
They too almost looked translucent.
But a more solid shape.
There were yellow specks floating near the surface of the lake.
I looked back at Nia.
She looked at me.
Those doe eyes.
“I’m sorry, Sherwin.
But there is no other way.
My dad will never allow it.
He will not disinherit me.
No.
He will fight for what is his.
I am sure he will kill you.”
“You are overreacting,” I interrupted her.
Her face was serious though.
“No, Sherwin. I am not.”
She shook her head.
“You do not understand.”
She looked at me for a while.
Then she looked away.
The blue light just lighting her face.
“We grew up different to you.
The only black people we ever got into contact with were the farm labourers and the house help.
We were never allowed to talk to them or even go near them.”
Nia looked at me.
Her face trying to see if I could grasp what she was saying.
“We were told that they were stupid.
Intellectually.
Like they couldn’t tell the difference in the depth of images on the television.
Almost like a gorilla doesn’t know it is watching itself in the mirror.”
Nia just looked at me.
“Don’t you understand, Sher?”
“We were told that they are dirty and smelly.
The only soap that could get them clean was Lifebouey.
That also left them with other smells.
They always had to eat outside and they were never allowed to use our crockery nor cutlery.”
I said nothing.
Just looked at her in disbelief.
“So what about coloureds?”
“Well, we never even heard of that term.
We always just referred to you all as bastards.
Half-castes.
Half-breeds.”
“Yellow-mouth.”
“Yes.”
Nia shook her head.
As if she remembered that night too.
When Mr Giel Basson called me a Yellow-mouth.
A filthy Yellow-mouth was his exact words.
Roach.
“You can see that to be… with you… to my family, is like being with the abomination that was created by…interbreeding… with them.
White people are to remain pure.
Can you understand?”
She looked at me as if she hoped I understood.
I looked at her.
“Is that the way you feel?”
I looked her straight in the eye.
She didn’t look away.
“How can you ask me that?”
She tilted her head to the side.
“I just
want to know.”
I didn’t break eye contact.
Neither did she.
“Of course not. You know that.”
“Then why, Nia? Why can’t we be together?”
I wanted an answer.
She shook her head.
Slowly.
Side to side.
“I can’t go against my family.
We are bound together.
We are a line of proud Afrikaners.
We believe in the Afrikaner way.
Others may do as they want.
They will of course never be accepted and always be frowned upon.
“But we, we are a tie that binds.
We stick together and we keep our reputation clean.
Our blood line pure.”
I kept looking at Nia.
Not believing what I am hearing.
But I understood.
I could never accept it.
But I understood.
It was more than that I was not white enough.
It was more that I had black blood that flowed in my veins.
I could never be with Nia.
God, why must it all be so complicated.
Why?
Why can’t I just be with her?
“If I knew that you were a Coloured, I would never have become friends with you.”
She looked away.
Then back at me again.
“But with you, it’s difficult to tell.
You look whiter than a lot of the white people I have met.
Your features do seem a bit different, but not much.
Like you could be Italian or Portuguese.
Especially your eyes.
But the added blonde hair, almost white.
Well, who would ever guess?”
“Who would ever guess, hu?”
I tried to make a joke.
Nia sat more to the side of the boat and started playing with her hands in the water.
She seemed to try and poke at the yellow specks floating on the surface.
Each time she poked one, it went deeper into the water.
Seemed to blow up and then retract again.
Floating back to the surface.
Nia no longer looked surprised.
She just took it all in.
“Why didn’t you tell me this or stopped being friends with me instead?”
I put the oars back in the water and started rowing us towards the forest.
The top of the trees were visible in the distance.
All cloaked in a blue haze.
“I mean, then, when you found out I was a Coloured.
Back in 2005.”
Nia poked at another yellow speck.
This one sort of disappeared into the dark water.
“Wow! Look, Sherwin.”
I looked in the direction Nia was pointing.
I couldn’t be sure what she wanted me to see.
But then I saw a small yellow fish in the deep waters.
It had huge eyes.
Almost too large for the small body.
Fins moving rapidly.
The fish looked as if it was swimming for its dear life.
Towards the surface.
It didn’t move very fast though.
“Look!” Nia said and closed her mouth with her hand.
The fish grew right in front of our eyes.
The yellow now more orange.
The eyes seemed to fit the body more.
Didn’t seem to bulge as much.
Fins still flapping away.
It moved faster as it reached the surface.
Its mouth grew pointier.
Almost like a sharp pointed stick.
The fish now really picked up speed.
It was about to break the surface.
“Watch out!”
Nia screamed.
She rock-ed the boat and sort of slid off her special cushion.
Just then the fish broke through the surface of the water.
Straight into the air.
It looked beautiful.
Completely red.
It stopped flapping its fins.
It made a loop in the air.
Then.
Exploded.
Like fireworks.
Red, orange and yellow.
Nia sat up straight.
She didn’t seem to breathe.
Just held her hand to her mouth.
The sky much brighter than before.
The red burst into more bright red sparks in the sky.
As it fell to the lake, it all became flower petals, just drifting slowly through the air.
Landed on the surface of the lake.
Burst into a small flame, then disappeared.
The orange just seemed to evaporate into thin air.
The yellow, however, hovered in the sky a bit, and then it just fell to the surface of the lake.
Quick.
All at once.
Blending with the other yellow specks on the surface.
Nia didn’t say a word.
Just kept looking into the sky as if expecting something else.
And by goodness.
The word Nia appeared out of nowhere in the sky.
It looked like the orange that previously disappeared.
It then too burst into smaller pieces.
Till only an orangey dust hung in the air.
Slowly blown away by the wind.
That too, came from nowhere.
I looked around.
My headache pounded.
I prayed that we would be in time.
Please, Lord.
Let him not get to it first.
I seized any effort to bother with my shirt.
It clung like a leach to my skin.
I was really hot.
Nia didn’t seem to notice a thing.
I found that really strange.
I rowed the boat faster.
“Wow, Sherwin.”
I have never seen fireworks like that before.
I always thought the fireworks, at the end of the Windhoek Show, were something to behold.
She looked at me.
Doe eyes.
Fluttering.
Then back at the sky.
Blue light about us again.
The trees more prominent.
“But those.”
She gasped.
“Those.
Those were something else.
Almost like I was experiencing some intense emotion.
Like the fireworks stemmed from something.
Somewhere.
Somewhere real.”
I looked at Nia.
I too was curious.
I did not feel a thing.
“Never mind.”
She shrugged it off.
“Call it intuition.”
She joked.
“It was just really exhilarating.”
She went quiet for a moment.
Puzzled look on her face.
“Sherwin, I want to stay here.”
I looked at Nia.
I realised what was happening.
She was starting to fall in love with Utopia.
I feared that that might happen.
“Don’t be silly.
You know you can’t.”
She hunched on her knees in front of me.
The navy khakis now seemed almost black on her.
The camouflage really worked well in the blue light.
If it was dark, one would not be able to see Nia at all.
Except perhaps for her white hair and bright face.
“Why not?”
She frowned.
Almost sad.
“Because this can’t be.”
I rowed faster.
We were getting closer to the forest.
The trees were becoming bigger with every row of the oar.
“Why?”
“Be patient.
I w
ill show you.
That is the only way.
I promise.
You will see.”
You will see.
“Are you going to answer my question?”
I looked at Nia.
I hoped that she would let it be.
She got back on her special cushion.
Looked at me.
Almost as if she was reading me.
She then sighed.
Then showed me her beautiful teeth.
Her eyes sparkled.
Those doe eyes.
Simply captivating.
“No one ever took care of me the way you did.”
Nia didn’t look away.
Tears seemed to come to her eyes.
“No one has ever made me feel the way you did.”
“That’s nothing.
I’m sure any guy would do it.
It’s you that bring it out.”
I didn’t look away.
Just smiled.
“No, Sherwin.
It’s not nothing.
And that is not true either.”
She sat up straight and looked at me.
Doe eyes filled with tears.
“It’s you.
When will you realise that?
When will you start believing that you are a beautiful soul?”
I just kept looking at Nia.
I really tried my best to keep a straight face.
Now would not be the time to give in to the pain.
God help me.
My head was heavy.
“The way you take care of me, it’s like I am not sick at all.
Taking pills is fun with you.
It’s more like I am in for a treat.
I enjoy the maze you made.
I love that it can be changed.
Getting the ball out is always challenging and great fun.
The pills really more of a reward.
Rather than being mandatory.”
She drifts off quick.
Smiles.
Then looks at me again.
“My herbal tea is like it’s the best beverage around, because you savour it like you enjoy it.
Like you wouldn’t want to drink anything else, had you been given a choice.
Which you always are.
It’s not that you want me to drink it.
You entice me to.
Without it being obvious.”
I wanted to smile.
However did I manage that?
That was obviously not true.
I hated that bugle weed and lemon balm mixture.
Umf.
It’s because I love her.
That much is true.
“You don’t know what that means to me, Sherwin.
I don’t like this illness.
I don’t want people to know about it.
I hate that I have it.
But, when I met you.
Everything was sort of better.
I had someone who knew about it.
That same someone also made it seem that he didn’t know about it at all.
I felt normal.”
Tears slowly trickled down her cheeks.
She wiped them away.
“Please don’t cry.”
I wanted to go to her.
To comfort her.
“Don’t worry.
I am just being silly.
It’s just hard.”
She looked at me.
“I’m really sorry, Sherwin.”
She took a deep breath and looked into the sky.
As if looking for some strength.
The blue light highlighting the tears on her face.
Her beautiful white face.
“I was selfish.
I wanted that feeling to remain.”
She looked at me.
More tears trickled down her face.
“I didn’t want it to disappear.
I didn’t want you to disappear.”
She kept wiping tears from her eyes.
It too tore at my heart.
My heart that was already on fire.
Each tear she shed, was like a knife to my heart.