Only Sonia would admit so matter-of-factly that she was into their play as much as he was. "When you give me everything like that, your complete trust, it turns me inside out." He smiled at the her. "God, you're beautiful. Not just outside, baby; deep down where it counts. When I'm with you, I forget every damn thing I've ever seen or done. You take it all away."
"I'm glad."
Her lashes fluttered, and his heart dropped. He wasn't out of danger yet. She still had concerns. He couldn't blame her. He'd laid it all out for her and their future wasn't pretty. She was intelligent enough to know that his reputation as a crime boss would grow and the people she cared about were going to shun her.
"I love what I do, Joshua. I mean, I really love it. I want to work for Jerry and renovate old historical houses. I know I can modernize them and yet keep the original beauty. I'm good at it. I take online classes all the time, but more, I just have a feel for it."
She didn't have to tell him that--he saw her work. It was beautiful and brought the homes into the present century, making them safe and functional without compromising the beauty of the original architecture. She was so hopeful and he wanted to give her the world, but . . .
"I know you love working. I know you love what you do. I'll do my best to compromise, but you'll have to as well. You know, with what I'm doing, there's always going to be some danger. That means bodyguards. I have to have them on you at all times to protect you. At home, at work. Wherever you go."
He couldn't stop the acceleration of his heart. Sonia had learned independence and she wanted to keep that. He couldn't blame her. He detested having bodyguards. He'd been the bodyguard for several years and having to switch roles still wasn't easy for him, but he knew the necessity.
"I wouldn't be able to do my work with bodyguards, Joshua. I go into people's homes. That would be upsetting to them."
"They don't have to look like your bodyguards."
"Right." There was an ache in her voice.
He hoped that ache was because she feared giving up work she loved, not him. "You were here every day for a month. Longer. You didn't suspect."
Hope flared in her eyes. "That's true. And I'd heard the rumors." Her face shut down again. Lashes veiled her eyes. "What about Molly and Bastien?"
His heart clenched hard. It felt as if a giant hand squeezed the organ and kept it up. He had to tell her the truth. "Once Bastien connects the dots and realizes those rumors are true, they aren't going to associate with us."
She turned her face away from him, her breath audibly catching in her throat. She turned onto her side, her back to him. "I don't have any other friends. Molly. Jerry. Do you think Jerry will do the same thing?"
He rolled to his side and slipped his arm around her waist, forming a protective shell with his body. First, he'd ripped her heart out when he'd revealed the truth about what he was, and now he was doing it all over again. He wanted to lie to her, but he'd promised himself he'd tell her as much truth as possible. He'd shield her from the things he had to do--the details of the dirty side of being a criminal, the boss, the one making the decisions on who lived or died, but he'd try to give her the truth in all other areas.
He didn't want to think too much about what he'd do or say if she asked him about the things Rafe Cordeau was into that allowed Joshua to live in that world. He buried his face in her hair. The thick mass was like silk and smelled like heaven. He tightened his hold on her.
"You don't know for certain that Jerry and Molly would turn on me." Her voice was shaky.
He swore to himself. He wanted to protect her from the firestorm that was coming. He knew they were probably going to war with the Russians. She'd believe it was solely about her, but Nikita would learn soon enough that Alonzo Massi was really Fyodor Amurov, and he'd share that information with Fyodor's uncles. They wanted the man dead. Joshua was never going to let that happen.
"No, baby, I don't. You're right. The odds are that they will, or they'll treat you different and you'll hate it, but there's a chance they'll be loyal to you." It was so small he knew he shouldn't give her hope. The hurt would be so much worse.
"She really likes Bastien. He wouldn't risk his career to be friends with us, would he?"
Her voice was muffled against her pillow, but he heard the ache in it. The pain. He detested being the cause of hurt to her. He tightened his hold on her as if his arms, his body, could shelter her from any unhappiness. "If Bastien remained friends with us, once the rumors start flying, others, including his department, could brand him as a 'dirty' cop. He's a good man, Sonia. I looked into him. Rafe had a few cops in his pocket. Bastien wasn't one of them."
There was a long silence. He stroked his hand down her hair, needing to comfort her and not knowing how.
"I don't have friends. I didn't growing up. My mother was my friend. And then Sasha."
He winced. He couldn't help it. Like him, Sasha was a good deal older than she was. And a mobster.
"What about school?"
She pulled in on herself even more, making herself even smaller. Her knees were drawn up tight against her chest. He curved his body around hers, his legs drawing up just as tightly so she was in a little cocoon of safety.
"I went to school until my high school years. Then I was homeschooled with tutors. I had to go to take tests, but there was no interaction anymore between me and other girls or boys. The few I knew in grade school drifted away. It was my mother and Sasha."
That name again. He was going to have a talk with the bastard, and if for one second he thought Sasha was playing her and would harm her in any way--any way--Sasha Bogomolov was going to die. He'd sent word to the others and they were gathering their armies to back him from the threat against his woman. He didn't need them for what he had to do.
Joshua pressed kisses along the nape of her neck. "I know you want Molly to always be your friend, and I hope she proves to you that she will be, but I also know you'll meet other women. Saria, Drake's wife. She's as sweet as they come. Emma, Jake's wife, is an amazing woman. She just gave birth to their third child. Alonzo is married to my cousin, Evangeline. She owns a bakery. They're all good women. There's more. Eli Perez's wife, Caterina. You'll like her. She was held here, raised with Rafe, and had to escape. He was a DEA agent for several years, now he works security for Drake. Elijah's wife, Siena, is pregnant with triplets. I'll take you to meet her."
He nuzzled the nape of her neck again, and then scattered kisses across her shoulders. "You won't be lonely, Sonia. I swear you won't. I'll make certain you meet women, good women, who will understand the situation you're in. They'll accept you."
"I don't even know how to make friends. Molly is just so easy."
She was tearing him up inside. He wanted to blame Sasha for keeping her in that mansion that was really a prison, but what would he do to keep her safe? Hell, he'd lock her up and throw the fucking key away if that's what it took. The business they were in was hard on wives and family.
"Molly's wonderful. I hope she doesn't listen to the rumors, or if she does, she doesn't care, other than to want you safe." He pressed his forehead against the back of her head. "Stay with me, Sonia. No matter how difficult it is, stay with me. I'll make you happy. I swear it. I'll try to learn to do all those things a man should do for his woman."
She turned then, still in his arms because he didn't let go. "I'm not going anywhere, Joshua. I'm scared. I don't want to lose Molly, but I know I love you. I know you're that man for me." Her eyes searched his. "You're certain there's no way out?"
He nodded slowly. "I'd be hunted until they found me. You can only run so long, and then you're dead. I took this job knowing that. I had no idea I'd find you or I wouldn't have done it. I would have remained as part of Drake's security force."
"Why doesn't Drake fall under suspicion?"
He dipped his head to press a kiss to each eye. She had beautiful eyes. Exotic. He loved her long lashes. He especially loved how her eyes darkened with passion, with so
much desire for him when he was making love to her. Playing. He loved that she let him play and understood that the more he did, the more he was showing her what she meant to him. That trust. That connection between them.
"Drake is known internationally as the head of a security company. Everyone in the criminal world knows he's relentless and dangerous. Most have a standing rule to back off if he's involved. He doesn't take bribes and he's been offered insane amounts of money. His men are every bit as relentless and dangerous as he is."
"Leopards?" she guessed.
"A mixture, but he employs a good many scattered throughout the world."
"So how does he explain being friends with mobsters?"
"He doesn't. People assume he needs contacts to do the things he does. His best friend is Jake Bannaconni."
"That doesn't seem possible. He's a billionaire or something equally as off-limits to the average man."
"Jake has bank, baby, but the two of them go way back. He saved Drake's life in Borneo and then his leg here. They're tight. Jake can be . . . volatile. Drake rarely gets angry. He's always steady." He dipped his head to find her mouth.
He'd kissed a lot of women. He couldn't remember their names or faces. He couldn't remember their taste. Sonia had found a way inside him. He craved kissing her. He found himself thinking about her kisses at the most awkward times. He traced the shape of her lips with his tongue, memorizing the shape and feel of them. Taking his time. She let him. Right in the middle of an important discussion, she let him.
His heart stuttered. Her mouth was his haven. Her body was paradise, his escape from his reality. She became his reality when he touched her. He straightened his legs, tangling them with hers while he poured his love down her throat, stroking her tongue with his, dancing, mating, commanding. He got back love, and he took it deep.
He lifted his head. "You always give yourself to me. Wholly. All of you. That first time with you, your body melted into mine. You were so fuckin' hot. All for me. All mine. Every time I touch you, it's the same way." He heard the reverence in his voice, the awe, but he didn't care. She deserved to know how much she meant to him, and there was no way to explain to her. She was giving up everything for him.
"If this was his idea, why isn't he looking dirty to the world?"
He didn't see that coming. There was a little bit of bite to her tone indicating to him she might not want to get along with Drake.
"He's a good man, Sonia. Give him a chance."
She made a face at him and kissed his throat. "He put you in danger, Joshua. You're the one looking dirty to the world. Not him. He may have cost me a good friend. My only friend. I don't know if I can do that."
"I didn't have to take this job. No one put a gun to my head. That was all me." He pushed his fingers through his hair in a sudden moment of contemplation. "I don't even know why."
"Atonement."
His heart jumped. "What the fuck, baby? What am I atoning for?" But he knew. He knew exactly what. That monster inside him. The one he'd unleashed in Borneo. There were things one regretted in a lifetime. Things one couldn't take back or ever make right. "Don't answer that, just let it go."
She tangled her fingers in his hair and pressed her lips to his throat. The action had her breasts rubbing along his chest, something he loved. He cupped the soft weight in his hands and dipped his head to lick at a nipple with his tongue. His mouth closed around the tempting mound. Her skin even tasted like paradise.
Her arms cradled his head and she laughed softly. "How can I possibly have a serious conversation with you when you're distracting me? I'm not certain I can go another round, Joshua, my body's a little sore."
He lifted his head immediately, narrowing his eyes. "You didn't say a word. You have to tell me when I'm being too rough with you."
"You weren't too rough, silly." She kissed his throat and scattered more along his jaw to the corner of his mouth.
He knew damn well she was trying to distract him, and he wasn't having it. "That's unacceptable to me. You always tell me. Always."
"I enjoyed every single second of what we did together. I have no problem opening my mouth and saying if I think you're being too rough. We've had a lot of sex lately. I'm just saying I'm a little sore. I like the way I feel. I do. It reminds me, with every step I take, that you were inside me. I love that feeling."
"I'm not small, baby. Maybe we should consult a doctor . . ." He tried to fight down panic. He didn't have a lot to offer her and sex was a big thing for both of them. It wasn't one-sided. She loved it as much as he did. He couldn't . . .
"Stop, crazy man." She pushed her forehead against his heart and burst out laughing. "I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to change yourself for me. I love the way you touch me. The way you like to mark me. I love the way you play. You're being paranoid. We don't have to go to a doctor, although one might be needed for your head if you keep acting like a nut. A hot bath with salts will take care of it. I'm just too sleepy to go there."
"Well, I'm not," he snapped and rolled off the bed. It was difficult to leave the warmth and softness of her body, but damn it all to hell, she wasn't going to be sore. "You should have told me immediately." He snapped the command, warning her that if it happened again, his brand of retaliation would be worse than he'd given her tonight. Or better. Depending on what the outcome would be. He let himself fantasize while he started the taps running and looked through cupboards until he found some girly-looking lavender salts the maid had purchased when he'd asked her to get a few things along with the blow-dryer.
He tossed the salts into the tub and stalked back to tower over her. "You totally exasperate me, woman." She maddened him with need. With a deep hunger he hadn't known existed, or he could feel, until he'd laid eyes on her. Mostly she infuriated him because she was totally his woman in all things, but she insisted on that being true only in the bedroom. He wasn't having that, but the takeover wasn't going his way and he suspected it never would.
She had tucked the covers around her, creating a cocoon, so he could only see her eyes and the top of her head. "Go away, Joshua. I'm sleepy, and you're bothering me. If we're going to be truthful, exasperate is a mild word for what you do to me. You're so bossy."
"Bossy?" His eyebrows shot up. "I am the boss around here, or hadn't you noticed?"
"I try not to. You're already arrogant and demanding. God only knows what would happen if I ever made the mistake of acknowledging you as my boss."
He caught ahold of the blanket and yanked. Nothing happened. She had secured it tightly, rolling into it like a little burrito. She gave him a look, her brows drawn together, but her eyes were laughing a little.
"Go away. I'm tired."
"You should have told me you were sore, you little wretch." He reached up under the blanket and caught her bare feet.
"Don't you dare."
Deliberately he stroked her calves, over and over, watching her face. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, although he could see them darkening, and that told him just the touch of his fingers got to her.
"What are you going to do to me if I do?" he taunted. "I'm bigger, baby. And stronger."
"Brains over brawn every time."
He knew she was trying to sound as snippy as she could, but excitement and laughter were getting in her way.
He circled her ankles with his hands, clamping down suddenly and yanking her toward him. She let out a little scream and grabbed for the mattress in an attempt to stop herself from sliding right off the bed onto the floor. He pulled her out of the blanket burrito so she landed on her bare bottom. The floor was cold and she let out a little wail, glaring up at him.
"You are so mean."
Joshua reached down and lifted her easily, cradling her close to him. Sonia put her arms around his neck and leaned into him. She was sleepy, he could tell by the way her lashes drooped. She looked drowsy. Sexy. His. He stopped just beside the almost full bathtub and just stared down into her face, drinking her in.
"What?" she asked softly, her hand cupping his jaw.
"I love you. So much. You talk to me, Sonia. Promise, you will always talk to me before you decide to run. Losing you twice in one day nearly killed me."
She didn't take her eyes from his. "I promise. Giving you my word means something to me. I won't break it."
"My word means something too. We're together. The two of us. We can work anything out if we talk right away. Don't wait. Come to me first and I'll listen to you."
"I hope you hear me when you're listening. I want us to be good together, but not at the cost of who I am."
He brushed a kiss across her lips and then gently lowered her into the water. She gasped a little when she put her feet down, but she sank all the way into it, allowing the hot water to close over her.
"I would never take that from you. I don't want you working away from home because I don't think it's always going to be safe, but it's important to you, so you'll do it. If you want to go back to school to further your education on the subject, I'm for that as well, but only if you agree to the bodyguards. They'll blend. They can look like workmen. Your assistants. Your driver. Whatever it is you need them to look like. Just no sneaking off, and we're good."
"You do know I've lived a fairly solitary existence. I've had a lot of alone time."
"Kiss that good-bye, baby," he said, trying to sound upbeat. He didn't feel much like laughing as he climbed into the tub, settling behind her, pulling her between his outstretched legs.
She put her fingers to her lips, smacked noisily and blew the kiss into the air. She laid her head back against him. "Thanks for this. It really feels good." She closed her eyes. "I might fall asleep right here."
He put his arms around her. "Go right ahead. I'll put you to bed. I want you in here at least fifteen minutes or until the water starts to cool." He didn't look at his watch. The others would be waiting, but he wasn't impatient. He wanted to make certain his woman wasn't hurting at all. He didn't like the idea that he'd caused her any discomfort and made a small vow to be more careful--at least for a few days.
He nuzzled the top of her head with his chin, just holding her, savoring the feel of her in his arms. He knew she was falling asleep, her body relaxing little by little.