~*~
Although he felt exhausted, Donald could not get to sleep. He threw off his blankets and got into a robe. Maybe Kwestor was still awake. He needed to talk with someone.
Silence prevailed in the empty corridors leading to the ranger’s room. Donald expected many people still busied themselves preparing for the mission to Gotrox, but there were no offices or meeting rooms in this part of the castle.
Kwestor must be in bed this late in the evening. Donald almost turned around to go back to his room, but he decided just to knock softly once. If he got no reply, he would go back.
“Come in.” The ranger’s monotone through the solid wooden door did not sound blurry from sleep.
Donald stepped inside, catching the ranger returning a small book to the drawer of his nightstand, which held an oil lamp providing a little sphere of illumination in the gloom.
“Hello, Kwestor. I hope I’m not disturbing you.”
“Don’t concern yourself about me, Your Highness. What can I do for you?”
Donald glanced around the shadowed room, considering different ways to begin. So many questions scrambled for attention. Someone had cleaned the place since his last visit, and he idly wondered if a servant took care of it or if Kwestor had done so himself. The table Kwestor and Muce played checkers at earlier had been cleared, and, with a deep sigh, Donald sat in one of the two chairs.
“I don’t know what to think, Kwestor. Am I a traitor for questioning my father’s actions? Should I just trust that the people making decisions for the kingdom are right? I mean, who am I? It is not my job or my place to question them. I don’t have any training in this kind of thing, and I certainly don’t have any experience. What makes me qualified to even have an opinion?”
Kwestor looked on stoically from the shadows; his full attention focused on the young man. Eventually he said, “So what’s really getting to you—the fact that your father is considering what other people are telling him or the fact that he’s chosen someone else to be the Ambassador to Gotrox?”
“No! It’s because I think he is being manipulated and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I also understand I could be wrong. I just don’t know. I mean, I’m sure but at the same time, I understand that I don’t know enough to be sure.” He kneaded his temples with his fingers. “What do you think?”
After a long pause, the ranger replied. “For what it’s worth, which is very little, I think Chief Adviser Barter has been manipulating the intelligence your father receives in order to start a war. I don’t know why, though.”
“I thought you said if we knew who was behind it all, the why would be obvious.”
“It seems I was wrong. It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s him too. When he talked to me today, I felt he was lying. Not the actual words, but he tried to steer me like a gond cart. It’s hard to describe, but I know he is hiding things. Anyway, that’s what’s bothering me. My country is about to go to war because Barter wants it to. I don’t know, maybe he thinks there’s a good reason, but if there is, it’s not the one he’s selling to my father. That Warden thing is no threat, and I made a rather large fool of myself proving that. And I can’t do anything about it because I’m not important. If I tried to tell him everyone is lying to him, he wouldn’t believe me. I’m just that kid who reads too many storybooks. I’m not taken seriously. The plain truth is that I don’t matter.”
“He would not be able to believe you not because you don’t matter but because you come without evidence. He has obviously been getting reports for some time that Gotrox is a threat, and you can bet those reports came with all sorts of corroboration. If anyone came to him now and said it was all some sort of mistake, he couldn’t believe them unless they somehow explained away everything else he has heard up to now.”
“I suppose that’s true. I think he knows himself that it doesn’t make sense, but he can’t ignore that it might be real anyway.”
“He’s a wise man. He knows people do things that don’t make sense all of the time. It’s probably what they’re best at. When people are involved, sense doesn’t have to play a big role. So why should he believe you when he’s not comfortable believing himself?”
“Maybe, but I can’t help thinking that if it were Allen or Robert or even Chastity who told him, it would be different. I’ve been making a fool of myself, Kwestor. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be—somebody, but I’m not, and I’ll never be. It was stupid of me to think I could. I should never have left the castle. This is the only life I know, the only life I’m suited for.”
The ranger jerked to a sitting position on the bed. “Foolish for leaving this fantasy? All right. Standing stark naked in front of the Warden hoping it would listen to you was foolish. I’ll grant you that. But escaping from this cave with cushioned seats and soft people? That wasn’t foolish. That was probably the smartest thing you have ever done.”
“But I’m nobody.”
“You’re a prince.”
“Yes, I’m a prince, but I’m an extra prince. My brothers at least have roles and responsibilities. Not me. When it comes to anything important, I don’t matter. My father matters. Barter matters. This Ambassador Snyde matters. A peasant who grows vegetables or one who simply works at an inn matters. They can make things happen, but not me. I’m nobody pretending to be somebody. They all can make decisions that affect their destinies. I can’t. I’m not destined to be anything. I’m just here. Once in a while I can have a walk-on part in someone else’s story, but I’m not a main character because all the important roles are already taken.”
“Destiny? Listen, kid. There is no destiny. There is just the way things are. I thought you finally understood that. Stuff just happens. There’s nothing personal about it. You don’t have a purpose in it other than the one you make. And when it comes to that, it’s you against the world and the world is a lot bigger than you are. Nine times out of ten, you are going to lose. That’s life. You have to learn to deal with it.”
Kwestor looked as if he struggled with some kind of internal conflict before continuing.
“I’d tell you to give up now but I see your determination and, you know, sometimes I almost think you might actually have a chance. Don’t misunderstand me. You’re probably not going to be able to stop Barter or whoever is behind this from having the war they want, but that’s only probably, and probably isn’t certainly. Every once in a while, things work out even when the odds are stacked against you. Just don’t expect it. Be ready for failure. But the point is, sometimes you can make a difference. What you have to ask yourself is whether or not it’s important enough to you to risk the pain of failure to try.”
Donald reflected quietly. His questions remained. The ranger had not silenced them but they were quieter now and they felt somehow less urgent.
“Yes, it’s important enough.”
“Then you have to go to Gotrox and do what you can. That’s all the advice I can give you.”