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burden lessened with his strength, as if he shifted a great weight onto his shoulders. Rafe dropped in like some small furry thing nestling against us.
I had the curious sense that power was flowing up from the stone and into the circle. It felt like being hooked up to a powerful battery, vibrating in us all, body and brain. That was wrong, that was very wrong. It was curiously invigorating, but I knew we must not succumb to it even for a moment. With relief I felt Marjorie seize control and with a determined effort direct the stream of force, focusing it through her, outward.
For a moment she stood bathed in flickering, transparent flames, then for an instant she took on the semblance of a woman . . . golden, chained, kneeling, as the forge-folk de~ picted their goddess. ... I knew this was an illusion, but it seemed that Marjorie, or the great nickering fire-form which seemed to loom around and over and through her, reached out, seized the helicopter's rotors and spun them as a child spins a pinwheel. With my physical ears I heard the humming sound as they began to turn, slowly at first under the controlling force, then winding to a swift spinning snarl, a drone, a shriek that caught the air currents. Slowly, slowly, the great machine lifted, hovering lightly a foot or so above the ground.
Straining to be gone . . ,
Hold it there! I was directing the power outward as Marjorie formed and shaped it; I could feel all the others pressed tightly against me, though physically none of us were touching. As I trembled, feeling the vast outflow of that linked conjoined power, I saw in a series of wild flashes the great form of fire I had seen before, Marjorie and not Marjorie, a raw stream of force, a naked woman, sky-tall with tossing hair, each separate lock a streamer of fire ... I felt a curious rage surging up and through me. Take the helicopter, hanging there useless a few inches high, hurl it into the sky, high, high, fling it down like a missile against the towers of Castle Aldaran, burning, smashing, exploding the walls like sand, hurling a rain of fire into the valley, showering fires on Caer Donn, laying the Terran base waste.... I struggled with these images of fire and destruction, as a rider struggles with the bit of a hard-mouthed horse. Too strong, too strong. I smelled musk, a wild beast prowled the jungle of my impulses, rage, lust, a constellation of wild emotions ... a small
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skittering animal bolting up a tree in terror ... the shriek of the rotor blades, a scream, a deafening roar. . . .
Slowly the noise lessened to a whine, a drone, a faint whir, silence. The copter stood vibrating faintly, motionless. Mar-jorie, still flickering with faint glimmers of invisible fire, stood calm, smiling absently. I felt her reach out and break the rapport, the others slipping away one by one until we stood alone, locked together. She withdrew her hand from the matrix and I stood cold and alone, struggling against spasms of lust, raging violence spinning in my brain, out of control, my heart racing, the blood pounding hi my head, vision blurred....
Beltran touched me lightly on the shoulder; I felt the tumult subside and with a shudder of pain managed to withdraw my consciousness. I covered the matrix quickly and drew my aching hand over my forehead. It came away dripping,
"Zandru's hells!" I whispered. Never, not in three years at Arilinn, had I even guessed such power. Kadarin, looking at the helicopter thoughtfully, said, "We could have done anything with it."
"Except maybe controlled it"
"But the power is there, when we do learn to control it," Beltran said. "A spaceship. Anything."
Rafe touched Marjorie's wrist, very lightly. "For a minute 1 thought you were on fire. Was that real, Lew?"
I wasn't sure if this was simply an illusion, the way generations upon generations of the forge-folk bad envisioned then-goddess, the power which brought metal from the deeps of the earth to their fires and forges. Or was this some objective force from that strange otherworld to which the telepath goes when he steps out of his physical body? I said, "I don't know, Rafe. How did it seem, Marjorie?"
She said, "I saw the fire. I even felt it, a little, but it didn't burn me. But I did feel that if I lost control, even for an instant, it would bum up inside and ... and take over, so that I was the fire and could leap down and . . . and destroy. I'm not saying this very well. . , ."
Then it was not only me. She too had felt the weapon-rage, the lust for destruction. I was still struggling with tbeir physical aftereffects, the weak trembling of adrenalin expended. If these emotions had actually arisen from within me, I Was not fit for this work. Yet, searching within myself, with
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the discipline of the tower-trained, I found no trace of such emotion within me now.
This disquieted me. If my own hidden emotions?anger I did not acknowledge, repressed desire for one of the women, hidden hostility toward one of the others?had been wrested out of my mind to consume me, then it was a sign I had lost, under stress, my tower-imposed discipline. But those emotions, being mine, I could control. If they were not mine, but had come from elsewhere to fasten upon us, we were all in danger.
I said, "I'm more disturbed than ever about this matrix. The power's there, yes. But it's been used as a weapon...."
"And it wants to destroy," Rafe said unexpectedly, "like the sword in the fairy tale; when you drew it, it would never go back into the scabbard until it had had its drink of blood."
I said soberly, "A lot of those old fairy tales were based on garbled memories of the Ages of Chaos. Maybe Rale's right and it does want blood and destruction."
Thyra, her eyes brooding, asked, "Don't all men, just a little? History tells us they do. Darkovans and Terrans too."
Kadarin laughed. "You were brought up hi the Comyn, Lew, so I'll forgive you for being superstitious." He put his arm around my shoulders in a warm hug. "I have more faith in the human mind than in forge-folk superstitions." We were still linked; again I felt the strength that lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I let myself lean against him. He was probably right. My mind had been filled from childhood with these old gods and powers. The science of matrix mechanics had been formulated to get rid of that I was a skilled technician; why was I letting imagination run away with me?
Kadarin said, "Try again. Now that we know we can control it, it's all a matter of learning how."
"It's always up to the Keeper to decide that," I said. It troubled me that Marjorie still deferred to me. It was natural enough, for I bad trained her, but she must learn that the initiative was hers, to lead, not follow.
She stretched her hand to me, setting up the primary line of force. One by one she brought us into the circle, each of us dropping into his appointed place as if we were scouts on a battlefield. This time I felt her touch Beltran, too, and place him so that he could maintain rapport just outside the circle. This time the force was easier to carry ... chained fire, electricity firmly stored in a battery, a firmly bridled racehorse. ... I saw the fire leap up around Marjorie, but
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this time I could see through it. It wasn't real, just a way of visualizing a force with no physical reality.
We stood linked, holding the pulsing power suspended. // the Terrans will not give us what we need and deserve, we can force them to it, we need not fear their bombs nor their blasters. Do they think we are barbarians armed with swords and pitchforks?
Clearly now, as the form of fire built up, I saw a woman, a sky-tall goddess clothed in flame, restlessly reaching to strike.
... fire raining on Caer Donn, smashing the city into rubble, starships falling like comets out of the sky ...
Firmly Marjorie reached for control, like at one of those riding-exhibitions where a single rider controls four horses with one rein, bringing us back to the physical airfield. It shimmered around us, but it was there. The helicopter blades began to hum again, to turn with a clattering roar.
/> We need more power, more strength. For a moment I clearly saw my father's face, felt the strong line of rapport. He had awakened my gift; we were never wholly out of touch. I felt the amazement, the fear with which be felt the matrix touch him, momentarily draw him in.... He was gone. Had never been there. Then I felt Thyra reach out with a sure touch and draw Kermiac within the circle as if he had been physically present. For an instant the circle expanded with his strength, burning brilliantly, and the helicopter rose easily from the ground, hung there quivering, rotors spinning with emphasis and force. I saw, I felt Kermiac crumple, withdraw. The lines of force went ragged . . . Kad-arin and I locked hard together, supporting Marjorie as she controlled the wavering forces, lowering, lowering. . . . The helicopter bumped, hard, and the sound shattered the link. Pain crashed through me. Marjorie collapsed, sobbing. Bel-tran had seized Thyra by the shoulders, was shaking her like a dog shaking a rodent. He swung back his hand and slapped her full hi the face. I felt?we all felt?the stinging pain of that blow.
"Vicious bitch! Damned she-devil," Beltran shouted. "How dare you, damn you, how dare you?"
Kadarin grabbed him, pulled him from Thyra by main force. Beltran was still fighting, struggling. Cold terror clutching at me, I reached out for Kermiac. Uncle, have they kitted you? After a moment, sick with relief, I felt his
presence, a thread of life, weak, collapsed, but alive. Alive, thank God!
Kadarin was still holding Beltran off Thyra; he let him go, flinging him violently to the ground. He said, raging, "Lay a hand on her again, Beltran, and I'll kill you with my own hands!" He hardly looked human at all now.
Marjorie was crying, trembling so violently I feared she would fall senseless. I caught and supported her. Thyra put a hand to her bruised face. She said, trying to be defiant, "What a fuss about nothing! He's stronger than any of us!"
My fear for Kermiac had turned to anger almost as great at Beltran's own. How dared Thyra do this against his will and Marjorie's judgment? I knew I couldn't trust her, damned sneaking bitch! I turned on her, still holding Marjorie with one arm; she shrank away as if from a blow. That shocked me back to my senses. Strike a woman? Slowly, lowering my head, I thrust the wadding around the matrix. This rage was ours. It was as dangerous as what Thyra did.
Marjorie could stand alone now. I put the matrix hi her hand and went toward Thyra. I said, "I'm not going to hurt you, child. But what possessed you to do such a thing?" One of the strongest laws of every telepath was never to force another's will or judgment....
The defiance was gone from her face. She fingered the cheek Beltran had struck. 'Truly, Lew," she said, almost in a whisper, "I don't know. I felt we needed someone, and in days past this matrix had known the Aldarans, wanted Kermiac?no, that doesn't make sense, does it? And I felt that I could and I must because Marjorie wouldn't ... I couldn't stop myself, I watched myself do it and I was afraid...." She began to cry helplessly.
I stepped forward and took her into my arms, holding her against me, her face wet on my shoulder. I felt a shaking tenderness. We had all been helpless before that force. My own emotion should have warned me, but I was too distressed to feel alarm. The feel of her warm body hi my arms should have warned me, too, at that stage, but I let her cling to me, sobbing, for a minute or two before I patted her shoulders tenderly, wiped her tears away and turned to help Beltran rise. He stood up stiffly, rubbing his hip. I sighed and said, "I know how you feel, Beltran. It was a dangerous thing to do. But you were in the wrong, too, losing your temper. A matrix technician must have control, must at all times."
Defiance and contrition warred in his face. He fumbled for
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words. I should have waited for them?I was responsible for this whole circle?but I felt too sick and drained to try. I said curtly, "Better see if any harm was done to the helicopter when it crashed."
"From three inches off the ground?" He sounded contemptuous now. That also troubled me but I was too tired to care. I said, "Suit yourself. It's your craft. If this is what comes of having you in the circle, II! make damned sure you're a good long way away from it." I turned my back on him.
Marjorie was leaning on Rafe. She had stopped crying but her eyes and nose were red. Absurdly I loved her more than ever like that. She said in a small shaking voice, "I'm all right now, Lew. Honestly."
I looked at the ground at our feet. It was covered with more than an inch of snow. You always lost track of time inside a matrix. It was snowing harder than ever, and the sky was darkening. The shaking of my own hands warned me. I said, "We all need food and rest. Run ahead, Rafe, and ask the servants to have a meal ready for us."
I heard a familiar clattering roar and looked up. The other helicopter was circling overhead, descending. Beltran was walking away toward it. I started to call after him, summon him?he too would be drained, needing the replenishment of food and sleep. At that moment, though, my only thought was to let him collapse. It would do him good to learn this wasn't a game! We left him behind.
I'd have an apology to make to Kermiac, too. It didn't matter that it had been done against my orders. I was operating the matrix. I had trained this circle. I was responsible for everything that happened to it
Everything.
Everything. Aldones, Lord of Light . . . everything: Ruin and death, a city in flames and chaos, Marjorie . . .
I shook myself out of the maelstrom of misery and pain, staring at the quiet path, the dark sky, the gently falling snow. None of it was real. I was hallucinating. Merciful Avarra, if, after three years at Arilinn, any matrix ever built could make me hallucinate, I was in troublel
Kermiac's servants had laid a splendid meal for us, though I was so hungry I could as readily have eaten bread and milk. As I ate the drained weakness receded, but the vague, formless guilt remained. Marjorie. Had she been burned by the flare of fire? I kept wanting to touch her and make sure she was there, alive, unhurt Thyra ate with tears running
down her face, the bruise gradually swelling and darkening until her eye was swollen shut. Beltran did not come. I supposed he was with Kermiac. I didn't give a damn where he was. Marjorie self-consciously thrust aside her third plateful, saying, "I'm ashamed to be so greedy!"
I began to reassure her. Kadarin did it instead. "Eat, child, eat, your nerves are exhausted, you need the energy. Rafe, what's the matter, child?" The boy was restlessly pushing his food around on his plate. "You haven't touched a bite."
"I can't, Bob. My head aches. I can't swallow. If I try to swallow anything I'm afraid I'll be sick."
Kadarin met my eyes. "I'll take care of him," he said. *'I know what to do, I went through it when I was his age." He lifted Rafe in his arms and carried him, like a small child, out of the room. Thyra rose and went after them.
Left alone with Marjorie, I said, "You should rest, too, after all that."
She said in a very small voice, "I'm afraid to be alone. Don't leave me alone, Lew."
I didn't intend to, not until I was sure she was safe. A Keeper in training has stresses no other matrix mechanic suffers, and I was still responsible for her. Although emotional upheavals were common enough when first keying into one of the really big matrices, such frightful blowups as this between Beltran and Thyra were not common. Fortunately. No wonder we were all literally sick from it.
I had never seen Marjorie's room before. It was at the top of a small tower, isolated, reached by a winding stair, a wedge-shaped room with wide windows. In clear weather it would have looked out on tremendous mountain ranges. Now it was all a dismal gray, gloomy, with hard beating snow rattling and whining against the glass. Marjorie slipped off her outdoor boots and knelt by the window, looking into the storm. "It's lucky we came in when we did. I've known the snow to come up so quickly you can lose your way a hundred paces from your own doorway. Lew, will Rafe be all right?"
"Of course. Just stress, maybe a
touch of threshold sickness. Beltran's tantrum didn't help any, but it won't last long." Once a telepath gained full control of his matrix, and to do this he must have mastered the nerve channels, recurrences of threshold sickness were not serious, Rafe was probably feeling rotten, but it wouldn't last.
Marjorie leaned against the window, pressing her temples to the cold glass. "My head aches."
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"Damn Beltran anyway!" I said, with violence that surprised me.
"It was Thyra's fault, Lew. Not his."
"What Thyra did is Thyra's responsibility, but Beltran must bear the responsibility for losing control, too."
My mind slid back to that strange interval within the matrix?whether it had been a few seconds or an hour I had no way of knowing?when I had sensed my father's presence. It occurred to me to wonder if at any of the towers, Hali or Arilinn or Neskaya, they had sensed the wakening of this enormous matrix, stirring to life. My father was an extraordinary telepath; he had served in Arilinn under the last of the old-style Keepers. He must have felt Sharra's wakening.
Did he know what we were doing?
As if following my thoughts Marjorie said, "Lew, what is your father like? My guardian has always spoken well of him."
"I don't want to talk about my father, Marjorie." But my barriers had been breached and that furious parting came back to me, with all the old bitterness. He had been willing to kill me, to have his own way. He cared no more for me than a . . .
Mariorie said in a low voice, "You're wrong, Lew. Your father loved you. Loves you. No, I'm not reading your mind. You were ... broadcasting. But you are a loving person, a gentle person. To be so loving, you must have been loved. Greatly loved."
I bent my head. Indeed, indeed, all those years I had been so secure hi his love, he could never have lived a lie. Not to me. We had been open to one another. Yet somehow that made it worse Loving me, to risk me so ruthlessly . . .
She whispered, "I know you, Lew. You could not have lived?would you have wanted to be without laranl Without the full potential of your gift? He knew your life wouldn't have been worth living without it. Blind, deaf, crippled ... so he let you risk it. To become what he knew you were,"
I laid my head on her knees, bund with pain. She had given me back something I never knew I had lost; she had returned to me the security of my father's love. I couldn't look up, couldn't let her see my face was contorted, that I was crying like a child. She knew anyway. I supposed this was my form of throwing a tantrum. Thyra disobeyed orders. Rafe got threshold sickness, Kadarin and Beltran started slamming each other ... I started crying like a child....