"Did you learn because of serious problems between you and Dad?" Though the fact that her mother had assumed infidelity had come between Kate and Donovan probably wasn't random. If so, Kate didn't really want to know more.
"Our marriage almost ended while I was carrying Tom. But Sam's mother gave me some good advice--pretty much what I'm telling you," Julia said. "Do you know the other fact that saved our marriage? My stubborn pride. I didn't want to have to admit to my family and friends that they'd been right about Sam. It gave me extra incentive to accept and forgive. Our marriage survived, and became stronger than I would have dreamed possible when I was on the verge of ending it."
How strange to think that she herself might never have been born if her parents hadn't overcome what had almost divided them. As evidence that it really was possible to rebuild a fractured marriage, her mother's testimony was impressive.
But was Kate capable of doing the same? She looked inside herself, to the bruised place in her soul that hid her most painful secrets, and recognized that Julia was right: there was still anger over Donovan's abuse. Intellectually she'd come to understand, even feel compassion, for what he had suffered. But buried deep in her gut was a molten core of anger. She hadn't forgiven from the heart, because her heart was still bleeding.
The rain-slicked urban streets were almost empty at this hour. As bricks and concrete gave way to leafy residential neighborhoods, Kate thought about what her mother had said, turning it over six ways from zero. Forgiveness made sense--if she could manage it. That part would be hard. But it offered at least a chance for the future.
Only now did she recognize, with bone-biting intensity, how much she wanted for there to be a chance.
Chapter 38
After they pulled up at the Roland Park house, Kate leaned over and gave her mother a quick hug. "Thanks, Mom. I needed that."
"Glad to be of use. I'm way behind in the maternal advice department." As they went into the house to collect Dinah, she asked, "Did you get any dinner? I have some chili in the Crock-Pot."
Kate scooped up her cat, who was dancing around her ankles, and popped her into the carrier. "Thanks, but I'd rather get home. I did some cholesterol loading at the Atlanta airport while waiting for my plane." She saw disappointment in her mother's eyes as she bent to ruffle Oscar Wilde's ears.
In the car again, Kate asked, "How are things between you and Charles Hamilton?"
"That's really none of your concern, my dear."
"Yes and no. You're both adults. But I'm also your daughter and concerned about you." Since Dinah was the rare feline that traveled well, Kate opened the carrier and released the little cat onto her lap. "The last time I saw you, before going to Atlanta, you implied rather strongly that you'd ended things with Charles. Is that the case?"
"If you must know, I realized how very unbecoming it was to be dallying with another man when your father is hardly cold in his coffin. I knew already, of course, but had managed to avoid thinking about it. Until I saw what I was doing reflected in your eyes."
"I was startled. Stunned, in fact. But that didn't mean I thought you should stop seeing Charles. It's not like he's some worthless Casanova. Last night I gave Tom a call and mentioned this. He didn't have a problem."
"You told your brother?" Julia exclaimed.
"Tom sort of blinked, if one can do that on the phone, but said immediately that it sounded like a great idea. He and Charles have always gotten on well. If being with Charles makes you hurt less, we're both in favor. After all, if you'd been the one to die, would you have wanted Sam to spend the rest of his life alone?"
"Of course not. Sam needed a keeper, and he wasn't cut out for celibacy. The sooner he remarried, the better."
Kate let the words hang in the air for a long moment before she said with sudden laughter, "Heavens, if you and Charles got married, Rachel and Sandy would be stepsisters to Tom and me. That would be great!"
"Don't be absurd! There is no marriage in the offing. We're...we're not even speaking to each other."
"Why not?"
"Guilt got in the way, I'm afraid."
"Val says that all women are born guilty, but anyone who knew you and Sam also knew how much you loved each other. It's the people who were happy in their first marriage who are most likely to find another partner quickly. Being willing to accept a new relationship is a compliment to Sam."
"Very eloquent, but you're assuming Charles is seriously interested," Julia said in a brittle voice. "In my confusion, I flip-flopped several times, hurting him and his pride. I can't imagine him wanting to face that again. I think he was just being kind, and was repaid rather poorly for his efforts."
To Kate, her mother sounded like a woman who wanted to be with a particular man, but didn't know quite how to go about it. A distinguished, prosperous, and attractive widower had no shortage of potential partners. Yet according to Rachel, Charles had resisted his daughters' suggestions that he consider starting to date. Julia had changed that.
They had appeared to be getting along very well indeed on the disastrous occasion when Kate and Donovan had dropped in. Friendship was the foundation of a good relationship, and Julia and Charles had been friends their whole lives.
Julia was not likely to make a move toward Charles, and from what she'd said, by this time he might be too wary to make a move toward her. What they needed was an old-fashioned go-between.
What the hell. Kate pulled out her cell phone and punched in a number she'd known since she was four.
Julia asked, "Who are you calling?"
"Charles, of course." The phone began to ring at the other end.
"Katherine Carroll Corsi, don't you dare!" Julia yelped and grabbed at the phone.
Kate whisked it out of reach. "Mom, look out for that parked car!"
The warning pushed Julia's attention back to the road. After straightening the wheel, she said, "Hang up that phone right now."
"Too late, he's picking up." Kate held the receiver to her right ear and answered the familiar hello with a cheerful, "Hi, Charles, it's Kate Corsi."
"Good evening. How are you doing?"
"Actually, I'm calling to ask if your intentions toward my mother are honorable."
As Julia shrieked, "Kate!" Charles said in a choked voice, "Good God, you don't pull your punches, do you?"
"I'm concerned for my mother. I don't want her taken advantage of by aging swingers cutting notches on their bedposts. So--what are your intentions?"
"You're not too big to ground, young lady!" He drew a deep breath. "But since you ask--if what you mean by 'honorable intentions' is whether I'd like a lasting relationship, the answer is yes. The question is academic, though. Julia gave me my walking papers after you wrecked everything by dropping in unannounced."
"I'm sorry about that, and busily trying to make amends. If you heard a shriek a moment ago, it was Julia. I'm calling from her car and we're about a mile from your house. Would you like to see her after she drops me off?"
"I'd like nothing better. But you can't force her do something she doesn't want to do."
"I don't think wanting is the problem." Kate considered handing the phone to her mother, then decided that would cause an accident for sure. "For what it's worth, I wouldn't mind having you for a stepfather."
"Which would definitely give me grounding privileges," he said with a smile in his voice. "Kate, if this works, thank you. And if it doesn't--well, thanks for trying."
After he hung up, Kate tucked her phone back in her purse. "Pretend for a moment that guilt and socially approved ideas about mourning periods didn't exist. If that were the case, would you want to be with Charles?"
There was a long silence while Julia turned onto Bellona Avenue. "Yes, I'd want to be with him."
"Then maybe you should forgive yourself for not being quite proper. Some of the best things in life happen at inconvenient times. You and Charles have a very special friendship. Don't throw that away for the wrong reasons."
"Sometimes I've thought you're like me, and other times that you're very like your father," Julia said tartly. "But you've just made it clear that under your ladylike exterior, it's your Sicilian grandmother's blood that burns hottest in your veins."
Preferring not to know if that was an insult or a compliment, Kate maintained silence and concentrated on coaxing Dinah into her carrier while they pulled up in front of the house on Brandy Lane. "I know what I did was pretty outrageous. But...I did it because I love you."
"Love, the most dangerous of blessings. I know you meant well, dear."
After waving goodbye, Kate went up the sidewalk, cat carrier in one hand and pulling her wheeled suitcase with the other. She was searching for her keys when the door swung open, revealing Donovan, his blue eyes both eager and cautious.
The usual tangled emotions of pleasure and wariness--and yes, anger--skipped through her at the sight of him. His youthful violence, the secrecy about his difficult childhood, had brought their marriage down in a smoldering ruin of pain and fury. Yet he had suffered at least as much as she.
"Kate. I've missed you." He opened his arms and she walked straight into them.
Home. She rested her head on his shoulder, and felt an old, deeply buried knot of anger slowly begin to dissolve.
Forgive.
Forgive him, forgive herself. And then, live.
∗ ∗ ∗
Emotions flapping like sheets in a gale, Julia halted at the stop sign at the foot of Brandy Lane. God help her, should she turn right and go home? Or left, to Charles's house?
As her hands clenched the wheel, she gave a mental cry that was nearly a prayer. Sam, what should I do?
A strange calm came over her, and she felt almost as if he were sitting next to her in the car. Sam, christened Sansone, her husband, lover, friend, father of her children. She could almost feel the touch of his hand on her cheek. It's okay, cara, you can love someone else, too. I know you're not going to forget me."
If there really were ghosts, Sam's was giving his blessing. Did that make things better, or worse?
A horn honked behind her and a set of headlights appeared in her rearview mirror. With an apologetic wave that probably couldn't be seen in the dark, she put on her blinker, and turned. Left.
Five minutes later, she parked in front of Charles's house. The lights were on.
Not stopping to think, she climbed from the car. A push of the doorbell. Inside, the first few bars of Beethoven's Fifth played. The doorbell had been a light-hearted gift she'd given Charles and Barbara ten years earlier.
The door swung open and Tort and Retort bolted out, panting happily and whapping her with wagging tails. Behind them was Charles, his hair silvery in the cool light.
They stared at each other until he broke the silence. "I didn't think you'd come."
"I almost didn't." She stepped into the front hall, thinking that Kate must have inherited her jackrabbit tendencies from her mother, because the urge to run was almost overpowering. "Can you forgive my to-ing and fro-ing?"
"Julia, I could forgive you anything." He exhaled roughly. "But I must admit that the to-ing and fro-ing, as you put it, has been pretty hard on my aging nerves."
"I'd better say my piece before I lose my nerve entirely. To begin with, it's a given that losing a spouse makes one crazy, and I've certainly been half crazed. Crazed, and guilty."
"I can't imagine that you have any reason to feel guilt, except the general guilt of the fact that you're alive and Sam isn't. I get regular attacks of that. Why Barbara and not me? Life and death are equally unfair."
"This...goes beyond that. I loved Sam from the day that I met him, in good times and bad. Some of the best years were when I was working in the PDI office and he was building the business. My whole life was centered around him. But, Charles..."
She hesitated. "Sometimes it was as if he took up all the oxygen and there wasn't enough left for me. Being with you is so....so restful--and I hate myself for being so happy with you when I'm also missing Sam so desperately. What kind of woman am I, to feel this way?"
Charles came up behind and put his hands on her shoulders, kneading the rigid muscles gently. "Sometimes I felt the same way about Barbara, you know. She was probably the most honorable, dynamic, principled person I've ever known. I give thanks daily that she was my wife, and that we had as many years together as we did. But restful? Not very."
She reached up and rested her right hand over his on her shoulder. "I've wondered sometimes. If you and I were the ones who died, do you think Sam and Barbara might have gotten together?"
"I think it's quite possible. They adored each other. But if that had happened, it's a safe bet it would have been a much noisier relationship than what is between you and me."
Knowing she must reveal the whole truth, she said, "I've always loved you as a friend, Charles. What frightened me witless was realizing that...that I'm in love with you, too. Not the same way I loved Sam, of course, because you're very different. But--close enough."
His hands tightened on her shoulders. "Loving me doesn't take anything away from Sam. He was one of the most generous men I've ever known. Do you think he'd have wanted you to be any more miserable than was absolutely necessary?"
"No, he wouldn't." She turned to meet Charles's gaze. "Kate said some of the best things in life happen at inconvenient times, and that something so special shouldn't be thrown away for the wrong reasons."
His long face broke into a smile. "God bless the child."
And then he kissed her.
Chapter 39
The alarm clock gave a shrill, migraine-inducing buzz, a floor lamp blazed on, six hundred watts worth. Finally Kate was waking up to the cathedral ceiling she'd designed so many years earlier. Though her imagination hadn't involved rising at god-awful hours before the sun came up.
Donovan batted the clock and the buzzer cut off. "I rigged the lamp to come on with the alarm because it's easier to get up when the room is light. After a couple of snooze cycles, I'm generally ready to face the day." He kissed her temple with sleepy affection.
A shifting weight on Kate's chest proved to be Dinah, who opened her tiny mouth and yawned. Donovan, a cat, and a warm bed. Bliss unbounded.
The worrying part of her mind started to wonder how long such happiness could last. She'd come home to a message from the detective investigating Sam's death. He'd been interested in the information she'd sent on Steve Burke and Joe Beekman. Maybe he'd learned more while she was away. "What's on the agenda? When I came in last night, you mentioned a rush project, but before you could explain, we got...sidetracked."
"And how! Today we're going to make a full-fledged assault on the damaged Concord Place building. This project has been jinxed from the get-go, and that gas explosion has made Building Four very, very unstable. If it falls on its own, it could wreck the church across the street, so we need to bring Building Four down in a controlled way as quickly as possible."
"The concrete in that project is such poor quality that it crumbles when you look at it cross-eyed. Would conventional demolition with a wrecking ball be better for taking down at least the damaged section?"
"That would be safer, but too slow. The city wants that building down now. Destroying neighborhood churches is real bad public relations."
"What did you mean by full-fledged assault?"
"Just what it sounds like. Every available PDI field person is going to be in there today, along with Nick and Joe Flynn, the foreman he swiped from us."
"Nick's being helpful?"
"Don't be shocked, it's not altruism. He's getting paid very well as a PDI subcontractor. Since he and Joe worked on Concord Place before Nick started his own shop, they know the structure, which is handy. If all goes well, we could bring this building down tonight or tomorrow morning."
"So soon? You're kidding!"
"The soft stripping was just about done before the gas explosion, so if we can design an explosives plan today while the prep
crews are drilling and loading the solid part of the structure, a shot is doable. Your talent for unstable structures is going to be damned useful. The place is a mess. You and I will have to go over every inch of the damaged section before we can finalize the timing sequences."
"This is a historic moment. You're actually saying that you want me in a dangerous structure instead of huffing and puffing about how I should stay outside where it's safe."
"Don't worry, I'm thinking that, but you were right on the money predicting how the buildings in Mexico City would drop. I can't afford not to take advantage of your special talents."
The alarm started buzzing again. This time it was Kate who turned off the sound, her movement sending Dinah off in an indignant huff. "The second snooze interval will have to wait for another morning. It's time we were up and about."
She swung her legs over the side of the bed, but Donovan caught her before she could escape and pulled her into a kiss. It was not primarily an embrace of passion, though desire was always present between them. Instead, he said huskily, "In case I haven't mentioned it lately, I love you, Kate."
He had mentioned it, several times, the night before. As then, Kate's response was an uneasy blend of pleasure and anxiety. But maybe this morning the anxiety was a little less than the night before. If the day ever came when she could freely, without doubt, trust him enough to put her heart in his hands....
That time hadn't come. She gave him a quick kiss on the nose, then slid from the bed. One day at a time.
∗ ∗ ∗
It was going to be a pleasure to flatten Building Four, assuming it didn't flatten him first. Donovan swore and jumped back when his attempt to examine a damaged column caused a sizable slab of concrete to topple toward him. Luckily his caution saved him from harm, but pebbles rattled off his hard hat like hail.
The undamaged sections of the structure had been shoddily built--he hoped the city sued the original contractor--but at least those areas were reasonably stable.