CHAPTER FORTY.
Idiots only will be cozened twice. DRYDEN.
Seymour did not fail to profit by the invitation extended by MrsRainscourt, and soon became the inseparable companion of Emily. Hisattentions to her were a source of amusement to the McElvinas and hermother, who thought little of a flirtation between a midshipman ofsixteen and a girl that was two years his junior. The two months' leaveof absence having expired, Seymour was obliged to return to theguard-ship, on the books of which his name had been enrolled. It waswith a heavy heart that he bade farewell to the McElvinas. He hadkissed away the tears of separation from the cheeks of Emily, and theiryoung love, unalloyed as that between a brother and sister, created anuneasy sensation in either heart which absence could not remove.
When our hero reported himself to the commanding officer of theguard-ship, he was astonished at his expressing a total ignorance of hisbelonging to her, and sent down for the clerk, to know if his name wason the books.
The clerk, a spare, middle-sized personage, remarkably spruce and neatin his attire, and apparently about forty years of age, made hisappearance, with the open list under his arm, and, with a humble bow tothe first-lieutenant, laid it upon the cap-stern-head, and running overseveral pages, from the top to the bottom, with his finger, at lastdiscovered our hero's name.
"It's all right, young gentleman," said the first-lieutenant. "Take himdown to the berth, Mr Skrimmage, and introduce him. You've broughtyour hammock, of course, and it is to be hoped that your chest has agood lock upon it; if not, I can tell you you'll not find all yourclothes tally with your division list by to-morrow morning. But wecannot help these things here. We are but a sort of a `thoroughfare,'and every man must take care of himself."
Seymour thanked the first-lieutenant for his caution, and descended withthe clerk, who requested him to step into his private cabin, previous tobeing ushered into the gun-room, where the midshipmen's mess was held--and of which Mr Skrimmage filled the important post of caterer. "MrsSkrimmage, my dear," said Seymour's conductor, "allow me to introduce toyou Mr Seymour." The lady courtesied with great affectation, and anair of condescension, and requested our hero to take a chair--soon afterwhich Mr Skrimmage commenced--"It is the custom, my dear sir, in thisship, for every gentleman who joins the midshipmen's berth to put downone guinea as entrance money, after which the subscription is restrictedto the sum of five shillings per week, which is always paid in advance.You will therefore oblige me by the trifling sum of six-and-twentyshillings, previous to my introducing you to your new messmates. Youwill excuse my requesting the money to be paid now, which, I assure you,does not arise from any doubt of your honour; but the fact is, being theonly member of the mess who can be considered as stationary, theunpleasant duty of caterer has devolved upon me, and I have lost so muchmoney by young gentlemen leaving the ship in a hurry, and forgetting tosettle their accounts, that it has now become a rule, which is neverbroken through."
As soon as Mr Skrimmage had finished his oration, which he delivered inthe softest and most persuasive manner, Seymour laid down the sumrequired, and having waited, at the clerk's request, to see his name,and sum paid, entered in the mess-book by Mrs Skrimmage, he was showninto the gun-room, which he found crowded with between thirty and fortymidshipmen, whose vociferations and laughter created such a din as todrown the voice of his conductor, who cried out, "Mr Seymour,gentlemen, to join the mess," and then quitted the noisy abode, whichgave our hero the idea of bedlam broke loose.
On one side of the gun-room a party of fifteen or twenty were seatedcross-legged on the deck in a circle, stripped to their shirts, withtheir handkerchiefs laid up like ropes in their hands. A great coat anda sleeve-board, which they had borrowed from the marine tailor, who wasworking on the main-deck, lay in the centre, and they pretended to be atwork with their needles on the coat. It was the game of goose, thewhole amusement of which consisted in giving and receiving blows. Everyperson in the circle had a name to which he was obliged to answerimmediately when it was called, in default of which he was severelypunished by all the rest. The names were distinguished by colours, asBlack Cap, Red Cap; and the elegant conversation, commenced by themaster tailor, ran as follows; observing that it was carried on with thegreatest rapidity of utterance.
"That's a false stitch--whose was it?"
"Black Cap."
"No, sir, not mine, sir."
"Who then, sir?"
"Red Cap."
"You lie, sir."
"Who, then, sir?"
"Blue Cap, Blue Cap."
"You lie, sir."
"Who, then, sir?"
"Yellow Cap, Yellow Cap."
Yellow Cap unfortunately did not give the lie in time, for which he wasseverely punished, and the game then continued.
But the part of the game which created the most mirth was providing agoose for the tailors, which was accomplished by some of theirconfederates throwing into the circle any bystander who was not on hisguard, and who, immediately that he was thrown in, was thrashed andkicked by the whole circle until he could make his escape. An attemptof this kind was soon made upon Seymour, who, being well acquainted withthe game, and perceiving the party rushing on him to push him in,dropped on his hands and knees, so that the other was caught in his owntrap, by tumbling over Seymour into the circle himself; from which he atlast escaped, as much mortified by the laugh raised against him as withthe blows which he had received.
Seymour, who was ready to join in any fun, applied for work, and wasadmitted among the journeymen.
"What's your name?"
"Dandy Grey Russet Cap," replied Seymour, selecting a colour which wouldgive him ample time for answering to his call.
"Oh, I'll be damned but you're an old hand," observed one of the party,and the game continued with as much noise as ever.
But we must leave it, and return to Mr Skrimmage, who was a singular,if not solitary instance of a person in one of the lowest grades of theservice having amassed a large fortune. He had served his time under anattorney, and from that situation, why or wherefore the deponent sayethnot, shipped on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a ship's clerk.The vessel which first received him on board was an old fifty-gun shipof two decks, a few of which remained in the service at that time,although they have long been dismissed and broken up. Being a dullsailer, and fit for nothing else, she was constantly employed inprotecting large convoys of merchant vessels to America and the WestIndies. Although other men-of-war occasionally assisted her in heremploy, the captain of the fifty-gun ship, from long standing, wasinvariably the senior officer, and the masters of the merchant vesselswere obliged to go on board his ship to receive their convoyinstructions, and a distinguishing pennant, which is always givenwithout any fee.
But Skrimmage, who had never been accustomed to deliver up any paperwithout a fee when he was in his former profession, did not feelinclined to do so in his present. Make a direct charge he dare not--he,therefore, hit upon a _ruse de guerre_ which effected his purpose. Heborrowed from different parties seven or eight guineas, and when themasters of merchant vessels came on board for their instructions, hedesired them to be shown down into his cabin, where he received themwith great formality and very nicely dressed. The guineas were spreadupon the desk, so that they might be easily reckoned.
"Sit down, captain; if you please, favour me with your name, and that ofyour ship." As he took these down, he carelessly observed, "I havedelivered but seven copies of the instructions to-day as yet."
The captain, having nothing to do in the meantime, naturally cast hiseyes round the cabin and was attracted by the guineas, the number ofwhich exactly tallied with the number of instructions delivered. Itnaturally occurred to him that they were the clerk's perquisites ofoffice.
"What is the fee, sir?"
"Whatever you please--some give a guinea, some two."
A guinea was deposited; and thus with his nest-eggs, Mr Skrimmage,without making a direct charge, contrived t
o pocket a hundred guineas,or more, for every convoy that was put under his captain's charge.After four years, during which he had saved a considerable sum, the shipwas declared unserviceable, and broken up, and Mr Skrimmage was sent onboard of the guard-ship, where his ready wit immediately pointed out tohim the advantages which might be reaped by permanently belonging toher, as clerk of the ship, and caterer of the midshipmen's berth. Afterserving in her for eight years, he was offered his rank as purser, whichhe refused, upon the plea of being a married man, and preferring povertywith Mrs S--- to rank and money without her. At this the reader willnot be astonished when he is acquainted, that the situation which heheld was, by his dexterous plans, rendered so lucrative, that in thecourse of twelve years, with principal and accumulating interest, he hadamassed the sum of 15,000 pounds.
A guard-ship is a receiving-ship for officers and men, until they areenabled to join, or are drafted to their respective ships. Theconsequence is, that an incessant change is taking place,--a midshipmansometimes not remaining on board of her for more than three days beforean opportunity offers of joining his ship. In fact, when we state that,during the war, upwards of one thousand midshipmen were received andsent away from a guard-ship, in the course of twelve months, we areconsiderably within the mark. Now, as Mr Skrimmage always received oneguinea as entrance to the mess, and a week's subscription in advance,and, moreover, never spent even the latter, or had his accountsexamined, it is easy to conceive what a profitable situation he hadcreated for himself. Mrs Skrimmage, also, was a useful helpmate: shelived on board, at little expense, and, by her attention to the dearlittle middies and their wearing apparel, who were sent on board to joinsome ship for the first time, added very considerably to his profits.
Her history was as follows. It had three eras:--she had been alady's-maid, in town; and, in this situation, acquiring a few of thepractices of "high life," she had become something else on the town;and, finally, Mrs Skrimmage. With a view of awing his unrulyassociates into respect, Mr Skrimmage (as well as his wife) wasparticularly nice in his dress and his conversation, and affected thegentleman, as she did the lady--this generally answered pretty well; butsometimes unpleasant circumstances would occur, to which his interestcompelled Mr Skrimmage to submit. It may be as well here to add, that,at the end of the war, Mr Skrimmage applied for his promotion for longservice, and, obtaining it, added his purser's half-pay to the interestof his accumulated capital, and retired from active service.
The steward and his boy entering the gun-room with two enormous blacktea-kettles, put an end to the boisterous amusement. It was the signalfor tea.
"Hurrah for Scaldchops!" cried the master tailor, rising from the game,which was now abandoned. A regiment of cups and saucers lined the twosides of the long table, and a general scramble ensued for seats.
"I say, Mr _Cribbage_," cried an old master's-mate, to the caterer, whohad entered shortly after the tea-kettles, and assumed his place at theend of the table, "what sort of stuff do you call this?"
"What do you mean to imply, sir?" replied Mr Skrimmage, with a pompousair.
"Mean to ply?--why, I mean to ply, that there's damned little tea inthis here water; why, I've seen gin as dark a colour as this."
"Steward," said Mr Skrimmage, turning his head over his shouldertowards him, "have you not put the established allowance into thetea-pot?"
"Yes, sir," replied the steward; "a tea-spoonful for every gentleman,and one for coming up."
"You hear, gentlemen," said Mr Skrimmage.
"Hear!--yes, but we don't taste. I should like to see it sarved out,"continued the master's-mate.
"Sir," replied Mr Skrimmage, "I must take the liberty to observe toyou, that that is a responsibility never intrusted to the steward. Theestablished allowance is always portioned out by Mrs Skrimmageherself."
"Damn Mrs Skrimmage," said a voice from the other end of the table.
"What!" cried the indignant husband; "what did I hear? Who was that?"
"'Twas this young gentleman, Mr Caterer," said a malicious lad,pointing to one opposite.
"Me, sir!" replied the youngster, recollecting the game they had justbeen playing; "you lie, sir."
"Who then, sir?"
"Black Cap--Black Cap," pointing to another.
"I damn Mrs Skrimmage! You lie, sir."
"Who then, sir?"
"Red Cap--Red Cap."
"I damn Mrs Skrimmage? You lie, sir."
And thus was the accusation bandied about the table, to the greatamusement of the whole party, except the caterer, who regretted havingtaken any notice of what had been said.
"Really, gentlemen, this behaviour is such as cannot be tolerated,"observed Mr Skrimmage, who invariably preferred the _suaviter in modo_."As caterer of this berth--"
"It is your duty to give us something to eat," added one of themidshipmen.
"Gentlemen, you see what there is on the table; there are rules andregulations laid down, which cannot be deviated from, and--"
"And those are, to starve us. I've paid six-and-twenty shillings, andhave not had six-and-twenty mouthfuls in the three days that I have beenhere. I should like to see your accounts, Mr Caterer."
"Bravo! let's have his accounts," roared out several of the party.
"Gentlemen, my accounts are ready for inspection, and will bear, I willventure to assert, the most minute investigation; but it must be fromthose who have a right to demand it, and I cannot consider that a personwho has only been in the ship for three days has any pretence to examinethem."
"But I have been in the ship three weeks," said another, "and have paidyou one pound sixteen shillings. I have a right, and now I demandthem--so let us have the accounts on the table, since we can get nothingelse."
"The accounts--the accounts!" were now vociferated for by such athreatening multitude of angry voices, that Mr Skrimmage turned palewith alarm, and thought it advisable to bend to the threatening storm.
"Steward, present the gentlemen's respects to Mrs Skrimmage, andrequest that she will oblige them by sending in the mess account-book.You understand--the gentlemen's respects to Mrs Skrimmage."
"Damn Mrs Skrimmage," again cried out one of the midshipmen, and thegame of goose was renewed with the phrase, until the steward returnedwith the book.
"Mrs Skrimmage's compliments to the gentlemen of the gun-room mess, andshe has great pleasure in complying with their request: but, inconsequence of her late indisposition, the accounts are not made upfurther than to the end of last month."
This was the plan upon which the wily clerk invariably acted, as it putan end to all inquiry; but the indignation of the midshipmen was not tobe controlled, and as they could not give it vent in one way, they didin another.
"Gentlemen," said one of the oldest of the fraternity, imitating MrSkrimmage's style, "I must request that you will be pleased not to kickup such a damned row, because I wish to make a speech: and I requestthat two of you will be pleased to stand sentries at the door,permitting neither ingress nor egress, that I may `spin my yarn' withoutinterruption.
"Gentlemen, we have paid our mess-money, and we have nothing to eat. Wehave asked for the accounts, and we are put off with `indisposition.'Now, gentlemen, as there can be no doubt of the caterer's honour, Ipropose that we give him a receipt in full."
"And here's a pen to write it with," cried out another, holding up thesleeve-board, with which they had been playing the game.
"Then, gentlemen, are you all agreed--to cobb the caterer?"
The shouts of assent frightened Mr Skrimmage, who attempted to make hisescape by the gun-room door, but was prevented by the two sentries, whohad been placed there on purpose. He then requested to be heard--to beallowed to explain; but it was useless. He was dragged to the table,amidst an uproar of laughter and shouting. "Extreme badheadaches"--"Mrs Skrimmage"--"nervous"--"ample satisfaction"--"conductlike gentlemen"--"complain to first-lieutenant"--were the unconnectedparts of his expostulation, which could be distingui
shed. He wasextended across the table, face downwards; the lapels of his coat thrownup, and two dozen blows, with the sleeve-board, were administered withsuch force, that his shrieks were even louder than the laughter andvociferation of his assailants.
During the infliction, the noise within was so great that they did notpay attention to that which was outside, but as soon as Mr Skrimmagehad been put on his legs again, and the tumult had partially subsided,the voice of the master-at-arms requesting admittance, and the screamingof Mrs Skrimmage, were heard at the door, which continued locked andguarded. The door was opened, and in flew the lady.
"My Skrimmage! my Skrimmage!--what have the brutes been doing to you?Oh, the wretches!" continued the lady, panting for breath, and turningto the midshipmen, who had retreated from her;--"you shall all be turnedout of the service--you shall--that you shall. We'll see--we'll writefor a court-martial--ay, you may laugh, but we will. Contempt to asuperior officer--clerk and caterer, indeed! The service has come to apretty pass--you villains! You may grin--I'll tear the eyes out of someof you, that I will. Come, Mr Skrimmage, let us go on thequarter-deck, and see if the service is to be trifled with. Dirty scum,indeed--" and the lady stopped for want of breath occasioned by therapidity of her utterance.
"Gentlemen," said the master-at-arms, as soon as he could obtainhearing,--"the first-lieutenant wishes to know the reason why you aremaking such a noise?"
"Our compliments to Mr Phillips, and we have been settling themess-account, and taking the change out of the caterer."
"Yes," continued Mrs Skrimmage, "you villains, you have, you paltrycheats--you blackguards--you warmin--you scum of the earth--you grinningmonkeys--you!--don't put your tongue into your cheek at me, you--youbeast--you ill-looking imp, or I'll write the ten commandments on yourface--I will--ay, that I will--cowardly set of beggars--" (No morebreath.)
"I'll tell you what, marm," rejoined the old master's-mate, "if youdon't clap a stopper on that jaw of yours, by George, we'll _cobb_ you."
"Cobb me!--you will, will you? I should like to see you. I dare you tocobb me, you wretches!"
"Cobb her, cobb her!" roared out all the midshipmen, who were irritatedat her language; and in a moment she was seized by a dozen of them, whodragged her to the table. Mrs Skrimmage struggled in vain, and thereappeared every chance of the threat being put in force.
"Oh,--is this the way to treat a lady?--Skrimmage! help, help!"
Skrimmage who had been battered almost to stupefaction, roused by thecall of his frightened wife, darted to her, and throwing his arm roundher waist,--"Spare her, gentlemen, spare her for mercy's sake, spareher,--or," continued he, in a faltering voice, "if you will cobb her,let it be _over all_."
The appeal in favour of modesty and humanity had its due weight; and Mrand Mrs Skrimmage were permitted to leave the gun-room without furthermolestation. The lady, however, as soon as she had obtained the outsideof the gun-room door, forgetting her assumed gentility, turned back, andshaking her fist at her persecutors, made use of language, with arepetition of which we will not offend our readers,--and then,arm-in-arm with her husband quitted the gun-room.
"`Mrs Skrimmage's compliments to the gentlemen of the gun-room mess,'"cried one of the midshipmen, mimicking, which was followed by a roar oflaughter, when the quarter-master again made his appearance.
"Gentlemen, the first-lieutenant says, that all those who are waitingfor a passage round to Plymouth, are to be on deck with their trapsimmediately. There's a frigate ordered round--she has the blue-peterup, and her top-sails are sheeted home."
This put an end to further mischief, as there were at least twenty ofthem whose respective ships were on that station. In the meantime,while they were getting ready, Mr Skrimmage having restored theprecision of his apparel, proceeded to the quarter-deck and made hiscomplaint to the first-lieutenant; but these complaints had beenrepeatedly made before, and Mr Phillips was tired of hearing them, andwas aware that he deserved his fate. Mr Skrimmage was thereforesilenced with the usual remark--"How can I punish these young men, ifthey are in the wrong, who slip through my fingers immediately?--theparties you complain of are now going down the side. _Why don't yougive up the caterership_?"
But this, for the reasons before stated, did not suit Mr Skrimmage, whoreturned below. For a day or two, the mess was better supplied, fromfear of a repetition of the dose; after that, it went on again asbefore.