The reality of my father’s death had exploded in my chest the moment they lowered him into the ground. In that moment it became real. Maggie had been right. It wasn’t a pain you could describe and nothing could ease it.
Momma cried all afternoon as I held her. Finally I got her to take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I had been strong for her as long as I could. I had to break down too. But selfishly, I wanted Maggie with me when I did. If she were there, I wouldn’t lose myself to the pain. She’d keep me from falling.
Staring up at her window, I watched as she opened it and climbed out. Today she hadn’t asked me stupid stuff like “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do?” She was just there. Silently giving me strength.
When she started coming down the ladder, I put my hands on either side to steady it and stood beneath her in case she fell.
I didn’t need to talk. I just wanted her to go with me and be there as I sat in silence. Maggie would do that. It was one of the reasons she was so damn special.
“Let’s go,” I whispered when she was at the bottom, and then I led her back to the truck.
Maggie didn’t slide over beside me when she got in. I wanted her to, but I didn’t push it. She did it before because she’d wanted to. Our friendship line was getting blurred, and I knew it. I just wasn’t sure how to stop it. And tonight I didn’t want to stop it.
We drove without music or talking until we got to the bluff. I cut the engine and lights and just sat there. The lights from the town reminded me of Dad. The sharp pain hit me as I thought about the fact that he would never come up here again, would never sit in my truck and laugh at my driving again. He’d never . . . He’d never see me graduate. He wouldn’t be there when I got married. He wouldn’t be my kids’ grandfather.
My throat tightened, and I punched the steering wheel several times, trying to release some of my pain. He was gone. Forever. I’d never see my dad again.
Maggie was beside me, and her small hand covered one of mine. There was nothing to say. If her father were put on death row, she’d go through another version of this. At least now he was in prison. She knew he was breathing. He was there, even if she didn’t want to see him again.
“Do you have days when all you think about are the things she’ll never see in your life?” I asked her.
“Yeah. All the time,” she replied.
She was living this hell too. I chanted that over and over to myself, proving I wasn’t the only one. I began to relax enough to let go of the intense grip I had on the steering wheel.
In that moment I made a decision. I didn’t care about the line. I didn’t care about protecting our friendship. I just needed Maggie. I needed to feel her and forget all of this. I knew I was being selfish, but I had to do it anyway.
Turning, I slid a hand into her hair and covered her mouth with mine. I gave her a moment to decide. If she didn’t want this, she’d push me away.
But she didn’t. I’d known deep down, she wouldn’t. I knew she felt this between us too.
With each brush of her hand on my skin, I grew desperate. I wanted more of her. So when she leaned closer to me, I placed my hands on her hips and moved us both over to the passenger side. My thumbs grazed her bare skin as her arms wrapped around my neck and the shirt she was wearing lifted an inch.
Maggie shivered in my arms, causing my heart to pump even faster. She liked this as much as I did. The look in her eyes said everything I was feeling.
“Lift your arms, Maggie,” I instructed, not asking.
Without hesitation, she lifted her arms and let me take her shirt off. The delicate creamy skin of her shoulders made her look like an angel.
She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply when I slid the straps down her arms then pulled the bra away from her. “You’re beautiful,” I said breathlessly.
Leaning closer, I pressed a kiss to her neck, and she swallowed hard. Her hands came up to grip my shoulders as if she needed to hold on. I liked that. No, I fucking loved that. I wanted her to hold on to me. To trust me.
With great control, I slowly kissed a path downward. She was watching me, her mouth slightly open. I’d never felt this close to anyone before.
“West,” Maggie whispered my name as her hands gripped my arms tightly.
This was going to be my undoing. This girl. She was going to claim me.
Trust Me?
CHAPTER 33
MAGGIE
He was hurting. I had to remember that. He was lost and hurting and seeking comfort. I should stop him. I shouldn’t let him do something he’d regret tomorrow.
But I couldn’t.
He looked at me like he wanted me desperately. Like he wanted this desperately. Like I was beautiful.
I cracked a little more.
I’d never felt like this; my body hadn’t known it could feel like this. And I was enjoying this too much to make him stop.
“West,” I managed to get out. But I quickly forgot why I’d even said his name as his kisses moved lower.
My head was spinning. I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Or maybe I was getting too much. I didn’t know. I just wanted more of him. Of this.
His hand settled firmly on my back, pressing my bare chest against his as his mouth covered mine again. “You feel so damn good,” he whispered as he nibbled and licked at my lips. I agreed, he felt just as good.
I got so lost in his embrace, at first I didn’t notice that his fingertips were grazing the inner waistband of my shorts.
I wanted to believe he wanted me. But I feared he just needed anyone right now. If it were Raleigh here, would he want her? Was this just a distraction and I was simply the available girl?
I felt a pain in my chest at the thought. I didn’t want to be just a distraction. He meant too much to me for that to be all I was to him. But how did I tell him no when he was hurting so much?
“West,” I choked out, and he froze. That got his attention fast.
He dropped his head to my shoulder and breathed deeply. He didn’t move his hand. “No one has made me feel the way you do, Maggie.”
I didn’t have anyone to compare this to, but I doubted anyone would ever make me feel the way West did.
He continued in a hoarse whisper, “Being with you . . . having you . . . I dream about it. It’s something I can’t explain and I can’t lose, either.”
That was it. What I needed to hear.
“Okay,” I replied, knowing I’d never regret this with him.
He lifted his head, and those blue eyes flared with heat. I was trembling even before his hand slid down farther.
“Trust me?” His voice was thick and raspy.
I just nodded. I couldn’t speak.
My heart was pounding so loudly, I could hear it. My body was on fire, about to shatter into a beautiful oblivion.
I’d said I’d be whatever he needed. I’d do whatever he needed me to do.
I knew now I had been so very right.
He slowly lifted his head and gazed down at me. “I need you. No, I want you. Just you. I don’t need or want anything else.” When he opened his eyes, they were glassy, and I could see the emotion he was holding back.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
“I need you too much. I want you so much. You’re just . . . I just . . . You’re the only thing that makes the pain go away, Maggie.”
He was trying to survive. I was giving him a reason to survive. He was taking from me. But I wanted to give myself to him.
I ran my hands over his hair and tried to comfort him. I knew he wasn’t ready to hear me tell him I loved him. I wasn’t sure he’d ever want to hear that. But I had to tell him a small portion of the truth.
“I want this. I want you like this. Don’t apologize. What you’re taking, I am giving you willingly.”
He didn’t reply at first. When he finally lifted his head, I saw the heat in his eyes as he looked at me. “I want more. More than I deserve.”
I couldn’t imagine that, years from now, I’d looked back on this night and regret it. Even if this were it for us, I’d have been completely connected with West. It may have been a way to help him with his pain, but it also helped me with mine. Watching him lose his father brought back so much heartache and loss for me. The moments we had just shared made me feel alive. More alive than I’d felt in a very long time.
“I want more too,” I replied.
My heart started to flutter at the idea, and West’s sharp intake of breath told me he understood exactly what I was telling him.
“I don’t want to be a regret for you. Ever,” he said, looking torn.
“And I don’t want to be a regret for you. Ever,” I repeated back to him. I wanted him to cherish this memory just like I would. I wanted to be more to him. Something he’d never forget.
“Nothing about any moment I’ve spent with you will ever be a regret.” The fierceness on his face made me shiver. I felt special. He made me feel that way.
Just. To. Me.
CHAPTER 34
WEST
Nothing in life had prepared me for this. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my body.
I shed the rest of my clothes after taking a condom out of my pocket. I was so nervous, my hands shook as I put it on.
As I lowered my body over hers, my chest tightened. Finally those eyes I’d come to dream about lifted to meet mine. There was a quiet confidence there. A trust I would cherish. One I couldn’t lose.
With careful ease, I entered her, and she held on to me through it all. Never taking her eyes off mine.
Later, when she curled up against me in the truck and I held her while I looked out at the lights of Lawton below us, I let the first tear fall.
For all that I had lost.
For all that I had found.
For all I couldn’t lose now but feared I would.
The next day I returned to school. My mother’s mom would be arriving today, and I didn’t want to be there. Why mother had called her and asked her to come, I didn’t know. She’d never been around us much before.
Of course I also wanted to see Maggie.
Taking her home last night, I’d been so scared of losing her that I’d been dead silent. Too silent. Rather than my own thoughts, my concern should have been Maggie. I would fix that today.
The one thing I didn’t want to face was people telling me they were sorry to hear about my dad. I didn’t want to think about it. I also didn’t want them looking at me with pity. So I ignored everyone as I walked through the doors and headed straight for my locker.
Maggie was standing there, her books tucked close to her chest, waiting. A warmth spread through me that only Maggie could cause, and I hurried through the crowd to get to her. When she spotted me, her lips curled into a small smile. It said so many things. It was for me. She didn’t give that smile to anyone else.
I liked that. I liked that a whole fucking lot.
“Morning,” I said as I reached her and tugged her close to me before pressing a kiss to those lips that were smiling just for me.
She tensed at first but quickly melted into me and let me have a taste. I didn’t want anyone else seeing how good she looked with those swollen lips, so I pulled away after I got enough to get me through first period. Still, I kept my hand on her back and pressed her close to me.
“Ah, good morning,” she replied, looking flustered.
Grinning, I pressed a kiss to her nose. “God, you’re always so damn pretty,” I said.
Her cheeks flushed pink, and she ducked her head as a grin spread across her lips.
“I didn’t think you’d come today,” she said as she glanced up at me.
Me neither. Until I’d woken up thinking about her. Maggie was here, and this was where I wanted to be. With her.
“You’re here,” I admitted. She needed to know how I felt. Even if I wasn’t sure exactly what that was just yet.
“West,” she said breathlessly, and reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “I wish we had classes together.”
So did I. Next semester I’d make sure we did. I hated not getting to see her except at lunch and in the halls.
“You’re talking.” Brady’s voice startled us both.
Maggie’s eyes went wide as she stared up at me. She wasn’t turning to look at him. There was a panic in her green depths, and a protectiveness came over me. I moved her closer to me and slightly behind as I faced Brady.
“Not to you. Not to anyone else. So back off, and keep your mouth shut.” I held his gaze and let him read into that whatever the hell he wanted to. Because I wasn’t giving her up. Everyone needed to know she was mine now. Including Brady.
“What . . . but she doesn’t talk. If she can talk or is talking again, then—”
“Just to me, Brady. Get that. Just. To. Me.”
He moved his eyes to her, and I could see frustration there, but I also knew he was my best friend. I’d buried my dad yesterday. He had to give me some slack. For now. I knew we’d have to deal with him eventually.
He finally let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But others are going to notice. I just did.”
Then he turned and left. Maggie didn’t move from where I had tucked her behind me.
He was right. If she weren’t careful, others would see her. How did I protect her from that? Not everyone would back down like Brady had.
Especially his parents.
We Gonna Let This Slide or What?
CHAPTER 35
MAGGIE
I could feel Brady watching me all morning. It was a reminder not to speak where I could be seen. But it made me wonder: What would happen if West wasn’t the only person I spoke to? Would this end? Would he feel as if he didn’t have a special part of me anymore?
“You must be fucking him now.” I recognized Raleigh’s voice even before turning around to face her. I had gone to the restroom to wash my hands before lunch.
I glanced up into the mirror to see her glaring back at me with hatred. “It’ll end when he’s over his grieving. He’s using you to get through this thing with his dad. You don’t talk, so he likes it. Now you’re fucking him. He must like his girls silent when he fucks them now.”
I dried my hands on a paper towel then headed for the door. I wasn’t going to stand there and take it.
“When he’s over this, when he isn’t hurting over his dad, he’ll come back to me. We have a thing. He loves me. He just couldn’t deal.”
I continued ignoring her, and opened the door.
“He used to tell me he loved me when he was fucking me. Said I made him feel incredible. Nothing would ever be that good. Bet he doesn’t tell you he loves you, does he?” she said as I walked out the door.
I was glad I hadn’t been facing her when she’d said that. Because then she’d have seen the answer on my face.
As wonderful as my time with West had been last night, he never told me he loved me. He didn’t say much at all. When it was over, he held me to him. I enjoyed being in his arms. The one tear he’d let fall was, I believed, him dealing with his grief.
But maybe it had been about more than that.
Maybe I had been a mistake.
“There you are.” West’s voice always made my heart rate pick up. And especially now, with me worrying that maybe he did love Raleigh, I was happy he was here.
I glanced over to see him walking toward me. A frown touched his face as he got closer. “What’s wrong?” he asked when he reached me.