When it ended they did not let go. She nuzzled his cheek, then whispered directly into his ear, her breath tickling him: “So you’re saying you want me even when I don’t have a house to sell you.”
“And you want me,” he answered, “even when you’re not getting a commission.”
She nibbled his earlobe. “Aren’t you afraid our relationship is already too physical?”
“Ask me that sometime when you don’t have your lips in my ear.”
“You planning to let go of me anytime soon?”
“I don’t want to think that far ahead.” He kissed her again.
“You think you can keep doing that while I drive?”
“The real question is, can you drive while I’m doing that?”
Then they burst into laughter and the embrace broke. “Welcome to high school,” said Don.
“That’s how it feels, isn’t it? Does this make me your girlfriend?”
“Do you like me, Cindy? Yes, no, check one.”
“But what is it I like about you, Don? The way you rip padlocks off houses? Or is it the way you look when you squat down to check out toilets?”
“It’s the hungry way I look at you.”
“Like a starving puppy.”
“So you want some coffee? Breakfast? Lunch?”
“You men,” said Cindy. “Always wanting the same thing.”
“Food.”
“I don’t cook, Don.”
“Then why am I so hot?” He couldn’t believe he had said that. Was there anyplace for this relationship to go but into bed? Was that all that was driving him on, his long sexual loneliness? He didn’t know this woman. Did he even want to?
He finally let go of her and faced forward, untwisting his back. “Drive,” he said.
“Yes sir,” she answered. She put her arm up on the headrest of his seat as she turned to see where she was backing the car. When she was out of the parking place, she shifted into drive with her left hand so that her right hand could slip down to play with the hair at the back of his neck. “I know a place that has great coffee.”
“Fine,” he said. Though he wasn’t much of a coffee drinker. The last thing he needed was something that made him more jittery by day and kept him awake at night.
They talked about nothing. Real estate lore about nasty surprises at closings, about flaws in houses and how some sellers tried to conceal them from potential buyers, and they laughed together like old friends who already know all the real jokes. In the midst of laughing he realized that she had just driven past her office and was turning onto a road that he knew was purely residential. The place that had great coffee was hers.
He got out of her car and followed her to the porch of her house, a large brick nine-window federal with a deep, immaculate yard. A large house for a woman alone. She unlocked the door and he followed her inside. The living room was like a page out of Southern Living. There was no sign that a human being had entered the room since the decorator left.
“Have a seat,” she said. “Unless you need to use the john. That’s what I’m doing, I’m afraid.” He heard her jog up the stairs.
He sat down, but then realized the john was a good idea and got up and wandered down the hall. A little half-bath with a bifold door that he could barely close when he was standing inside. There was a framed print above the toilet, a painting of a bunch of raccoons and a pink little pig with a mask over its eyes, and the slogan, “ONE OF THE GANG.” He flushed, washed his hands, and came out into the hall. But instead of returning to the living room, as good manners required, he wandered into the large eat-in kitchen. It was as immaculate as the living room. No one cooked here. Cindy wasn’t kidding.
He opened the fridge. Leftover takeout cartons and containers of juice and soft drinks. The freezer had some diet and no-fat desserts. He heard her coming down the stairs and decided not to close the freezer door. If he was going to prowl through her house, he wasn’t going to pretend that he hadn’t done it. “I’m in here.”
“Can’t keep a man out of the kitchen,” she said.
He closed the freezer and reopened the fridge. “Restaurant doggy bags for breakfast?”
“Always tastes better the next day.”
“Have I met a woman as lonely as me?”
“Solitary isn’t necessarily lonely, Sherlock.” She began an elaborate ritual of making coffee, starting with the beans. She had changed out of her business suit into a summery frock, which made her look younger at first glance, but then older, as he couldn’t help but notice a little looseness and sagging in the arms, the wrinkles in the neck. He considered these features analytically and discovered that he didn’t find them at all off-putting. He came up behind her and ran his hands down her bare arms, then back up to her shoulders as he leaned down and kissed her neck.
“Do you want coffee or not?” she asked sternly.
“Don’t much care about coffee,” he said.
She turned around and kissed him and he held her, body to body. She was soft and yielding, and his hands discovered that there were no straps or elastics underneath the frock she wore. Her own hands were pulling his shirt out of his trousers, and then they were cool as they glided over the skin of his back, up to his shoulders. They parted, but only by an inch or two. “Screw the coffee,” she said. “It’s too much like cooking, anyway.”
Where does this lead? thought Don. What next? He’d only slept with one woman in his life, and there had never been a love scene in the kitchen. Maybe if there had been . . . but that wasn’t a line of thought he wanted to explore. He took her hand and led her through a swinging door into the dining room, then around into the living room. “Where are we going?” she asked. In reply, he sat down on the untouchable couch, tossed the pillows onto the floor, and pulled her down beside him.
“Here?” she asked. He could see that she was a little annoyed.
“Who were you saving this room for?” he asked.
“For me,” she said. “To come in and see it perfect and not have to do anything to clean it up.” The annoyance was in her voice now. He tried to kiss her. She turned her face away.
“Sorry,” he said. “I just thought—”
“You just couldn’t leave a perfect room undisturbed,” she said.
“It wasn’t perfect until you were in it,” he said. “This couch wasn’t perfect until you were sitting there.” He took the hem of her frock and spread it out across the fabric of the couch, showing more of her tanned thighs, making her look as posed as a model. “The only thing wrong with the picture is me,” he said. “I should be standing over there, in the entry, looking at you with longing. The unattainable beauty of Cindy Claybourne.”
She laughed, but she had to turn her face away from him. Embarrassed? He got up from the couch, walked to the entry, and stood there leaning against the front door. She really did look sweet and young and lovely. Heartbreakingly so. “Cindy, are you as sad as I am?”
“Are you sad?” she said. “Right now?”
“The picture’s too perfect. I don’t want to spoil it.”
She reached out her arms to him. “I want you to.”
He knew he should walk into the room, sit down beside her again, take that frock off her, make love to her. That’s what she wanted. That’s what he wanted, too. Yet he stood there, trying to make sense of the woman, of the room. How she fit with the house. Why this room had to be so perfect. Why she barely lived in her own house, cooking nothing, touching nothing. Of course that probably wasn’t true upstairs. For all he knew, clothes were strewn around her bedroom and her sink was covered in half-empty bottles and tubes. And besides, what business was it of his?
Yet for some reason he had to ask a question, one whose answer he didn’t even care about, and still he had to ask. “Have you ever been married, Cindy?”
She looked at him for a moment, then lowered her arms. “Yes.”
“Kids?” he asked.
“Does it look like it?” she asked, sounding
a little defiant.
“Does what look like it? Your body? No.”
“What, then?”
“This room looks like a place of refuge for someone who’s sick of cleaning up after other people.”
Why had he said that? It was a stupid thing to say, precisely because he was almost certainly right. She looked away from him, her eyes filling with tears. She swung her legs up onto the couch and hugged her knees. The skirt of her frock draped away so he could see the entire curve of her naked thigh and buttocks, and he was filled with longing to hold her, to please her, to take pleasure from her. But when she lifted her face from her knees, her eyes were brimming over with tears. So when he strode to the couch and sat beside her and put his arm around her and gathered her against his shoulder, it was not to make love to her, but to comfort her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to cause you pain.”
“You didn’t cause it,” she said.
“I meant to love you,” he said. “I wanted to try to love you.”
“That was your mistake. You should have settled for making love to me.”
“You do have children,” he said.
“Three.” She clung tightly to him, and he could feel her convulsive sob as she began to cry in earnest.
“What happened?” he asked, dreading the story, because he knew it would only make him think of his own loss.
“I left them,” she said. “My shrink said it was because I was a caretaker child. My father ran off with his secretary when I was eleven and from then on I was the mom of the house while my mother worked. I cooked every meal, I cleaned, I did laundry till I hated my mother for being a lazy bitch even though I knew she was working her brains out to make ends meet and I hated my sisters and my brother because they wore clothes that had to be washed and left things lying around and complained whenever I asked them to help in any way and finally I couldn’t stand it anymore. If I didn’t get out I’d kill somebody or maybe myself, so I married my poor husband Ray and we had three babies, pop pop pop, and there I was again, cooking and cleaning up. I realized I had only traded one house for another and I thought I’d go crazy. I loved my kids but I found myself one day holding a pillow and wanting to press it down on my baby’s face so she’d just stop screaming for a half-hour so I could get some rest. Only I wasn’t even tired. It wasn’t sleep I needed. I took the pillow and put it in the garbage and then I took the garbage bag out to the garage and jammed it into the trashcan because I had actually thought of smothering my own baby, that’s how crazy I was.”
Don was sick at heart. He still held her, still felt her breath warm through his shirt, but all desire for her was gone. He knew it wasn’t fair. She had stopped herself, hadn’t she? She had faced a terrible moment of madness and had triumphed over it, but he knew he would never be able to get rid of the imagined picture of Cindy with a pillow approaching a baby’s crib, and the baby crying, only it wasn’t an infant he imagined, it was his own daughter when he last saw her, almost two years old, and it wasn’t Cindy, it was his ex-wife. Just one more nightmare for him to remember when he woke up in the middle of the night.
Yet he still held her.
“Do you hate me?” she whispered.
“No,” he said.
“I knew I had to get out,” she said. “I loved my children, I could never hurt them, but for their sake and my husband’s sake and my own sake I had to get out before I got carted off to the loony bin or I killed myself or whatever desperate thing happened that should never happen. So I left. And I went to a shrink. And I got my real estate license and worked hard to get enough money to buy a house that has a room for each of my children even though I know they’ll never come to see me, I’ll never have them living here with me, but I have a room for each of them upstairs, and a bed that’s never had a man in it but it’s made for a husband. You’re a husband, Don. That’s what you are. I wanted you in that bed with me.”
His body wanted her; his hands wanted to slide down to the bare skin of her hip and seek the body under the frock. But his heart was no longer in this room. Desire wasn’t reason enough to share his body with this woman. He could never love her as she needed to be loved. He had too many problems of his own, too many fears, too much history. What she had told him would be impossible to forget.
“Don,” she said, “you have to forgive me.”
I’m not a priest, he thought. I’m not Jesus. I can’t even get forgiveness for myself, how can I get absolution for you? “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “You gave up everything to protect your children.”
“They’ll never understand that,” she said. “I left them motherless.”
“Someday you’ll tell them and they’ll understand.”
“You don’t want me anymore, do you,” she said softly.
“You don’t need a husband to take you on that bed, Cindy,” he said. “You need a father to tuck you into it.”
She burst into sobs as he slid one arm under her legs, the other behind her back, and rose from the couch holding her. She wasn’t all that small or light, but he was strong and it felt good to carry her up the stairs, to have the stamina to do it without panting for breath, without even feeling tired. It felt good to have some strength to give to someone who needed it. He carried her to the master bedroom, with its kingsize bed; not a feminine room at all, but a masculine one, a man’s bedroom. No frills, a bold pattern in the bedspread, earth colors instead of pastels. He set her down on the edge of the bed. “Where do you keep your nightgowns?” he asked.
“Second drawer down, left side,” she said.
“Take off that dress,” he said. He took the top nightgown from the folded stack and brought it back to her. She sat there naked and forlorn, the frock tossed onto the floor. Her body was still sweet but he had no desire for her. He took the nightgown and gathered it around the neck, as he had so often gathered his daughter’s tiny gowns and dresses, and slipped it over her head. She reached her hands up and he guided them into the sleeves like a child’s hands. Then, as the nightgown dropped over her breasts and down to cover her lap, he turned down the covers of the bed. He picked her up again and laid her down on the sheets, helped her slide her feet down under the covers, then drew them up to her shoulder and tucked them in. Tears were flowing from her eyes onto her pillow. “Don’t cry,” he said softly. “You’re a good person and you’ve done right.” He kissed her cheek, patted her hand. “Don’t go back to work today. You’ve earned a little rest.”
“I’ve lost you, haven’t I, Don, before I even had you.”
“You didn’t need a lover, Cindy, you needed a friend, and you’ve got one.”
“What do you need?” she said.
“I need all the friends I can get.” He kissed her cheek again. She raised a hand to touch his cheek. Maybe she was thinking of trying to kiss him like a woman. Maybe she was thinking of making one last try to get him in the bed beside her. That’s how the moment felt to him, anyway. But she saw something in his eyes, saw something as she searched his face, and she didn’t try to kiss him, just stroked his cheek and said, “You’re too good for me.”
“Not good enough,” he said. “But sometimes you just have to let somebody cry herself to sleep.”
He walked out of the room, down the stairs, and out the door, making sure it was locked behind him. He stood on the porch for a moment, looking for his car. But of course he didn’t have one. Never mind. His truck was parked at her office, and it wasn’t more than three-quarters of a mile to walk. A neighbor in a car was watching him as he walked down the driveway to the street. Don stared back at her defiantly. None of your damn business, he said soundlessly. The woman started her engine and pulled away from the curb. Don walked on down the street. It wasn’t even noon yet, and maybe autumn had broken the back of summer, because the day was still cool and there was a breeze even though the sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
9
Helping Hands
It
was hot inside the cab of his truck, and now that he’d worked up a little sweat walking in the sunlight, he wanted a drink of something. They’d put in a new McDonald’s up at Friendly Center and a Coke would do as well as anything.
Cindy Claybourne. He ached with sympathy for her, and, to be honest, sympathy for himself as well. He remembered one of his contractors quoting an old saying: “Never eat at a place called Mom’s, never play poker with a man named Doc, and never sleep with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.” Till today he never would have thought there could be such a woman. But now he knew. At least he had never even thought of raising a hand to harm his own child. At least he hadn’t been the one to abandon her. He had done everything that he could do short of murder to get his little girl back. So no matter how much pain there was in thinking about her, he was better off than Cindy. Maybe.
He had come so close. To what, he wasn’t sure. To sex, of course; he hadn’t realized how much he missed that part of his life until Cindy Claybourne woke his body up again. But it would have been more than that, and when he chose to walk through her front door, it wasn’t a roll in the hay he was looking for. Not just a roll in the hay, anyway. Turned out Cindy needed a friend a lot more than she needed a lover. But what did Don need? Was Cindy right? Was he the kind of man who was just naturally a husband?
Not to hear his ex-wife tell it. Whatever it was that Cindy thought, whatever it was that he himself had unconsciously wanted when he led Cindy to the couch in her living room, he was certain of this: He was not ready to get back into the whole marriage business all over again. The last time had only built him up in order to tear him all the way down to nothing. It wasn’t going to happen again.
At the McDonald’s drive-up, it occurred to Don that maybe the girl back in his house would like a Coke, too, so he ordered a couple of large ones. He thought of getting something to eat, too, but he wasn’t hungry. Still working off last night’s feed, probably. Maybe the girl was hungry. He should get her something. So he ordered a Big Mac and fries and only snitched a couple of them on the way back to the Bellamy house, and then only because the smell of them was so strong inside the cab of the truck even with the windows rolled down. That must be deliberate. They must have figured out a way to make the french fries give off a hunger drug that you absorbed through the nose.