She came farther into the room. Mama looked at both of us, sighed deeply and began.
"Your real mother got pregnant with you in college.
She was the daughter of wealthy people, but she was rebellious and involved in protests and causes. She got herself in trouble with a young black man--no, honey, it wasn't Ken--but she didn't tell her parents until it was too late and I guess there was quite a hullabaloo."
She paused and I took a deep breath. So Ken wasn't my real father. I couldn't help being relieved about that. I was afraid he had had some affair with a white girl and brought me home, forcing Mama to bring me up as her own.
"Anyhow, Ken was working for her father and he came to Ken and made the proposal that we take the child, who was you, of course. You were to be born in secret somewhere. 'Course, Ken got excited over the idea of so much money just for taking in another baby. What did he care? He was never home much anyway."
"You could just take in a baby, just like that, and pretend it was your own?" I asked skeptically.
"I was angry and I didn't want to do it, but Ken he just brought you home and I wasn't going to throw a baby out into the street, so I mothered you and here we are. It's long over and done, Rain. I swear I don't even think of it. We all love you, honey. I'm hoping you can just accept things as they are now; we are your family," she said.
"Did my real mother ever come to see me?" I asked.
"Oh no, honey. We haven't seen hide nor hair of those folks since the day they brought you here. Not even a phone call," she added.
It gave me a sick feeling to hear that. How could anyone give away her own baby so easily and forget her forever?
"They made us promise not to contact them, ever," Mama added.
"They didn't want to set eyes on you because you had a black father," Beni said gleefully.
"Hush up, Beth. That's putting salt on a wound."
"Why are you always protecting her, Mama? Even now you're more worried about her feelings than your own. Jesus, Mama, she ran out on you. She thinks you're a liar," Beni insisted. "Why are you taking her side and yelling at me?"
"I'm not taking anyone's side, Beni."
"Beth's right, Mama," I said softly. "I shouldn't have run out on you and made you sick. It wasn't your fault my real mother gave me away."
I looked up at her, my eyes burning with hot tears. "You gave me more than I deserve. I was wrong to be angry at you, Mama. I'm sorry."
"Don't you start crying now, Rain," Mama said sniffling herself.
I stepped forward when she held out her arms and embraced her. When I gazed back at Beth, I saw her look of pain.
"I hope you'll still think of me as your sister, Beni," I said stepping back.
"'Course, she will," Mama answered for her.
"Do I have a choice?" Beni quipped. She walked out of the bedroom.
I turned back to Mama.
"I'm worried about what Ken's doing," she said. "I think he's going off to try to blackmail those people and they aren't people you blackmail."
"I'd like to know who they are, Mama," I said.
"It will just bring you more pain, honey."
"Does my mother still live in Washington, D.C.?" I asked.
"I really don't know for sure."
"Can't you tell me her name, Mama?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't want to know, Rain. It's like going to those fancy stores and looking in the windows at beautiful things you can't have. It makes it harder to accept who you are and what you've got."
"I'll always wonder, Mama. I can't help it," I said.
She nodded and rose slowly from the bed. She went to the closet and brought out an old shoe box. After she opened it, she sifted through some papers and then found what she was looking for. She gazed at it for a moment.
"She's probably married with a different name now," Mama said handing the slip of paper to me.
I gazed down and read the name Megan Hudson. It was all I had of my real mother, her name.
"Can I keep this, Mama?" I asked.
She nodded.
"I'm sorry about all this, honey," she said, "but it's never lessened my love for you."
"I know, Mama."
We hugged again.
"You go get yourself something to eat," she said, "and see what Beth's done to the food. Your brother will be home any moment and he'll be starving, I'm sure."
"Okay, Mama," I said and went into the kitchen.
Beth hadn't taken the pork chops off the stove quickly enough. I tried to salvage as much as - I could and warmed up some new vegetables. She heard me working and came out of the bedroom. She stood there staring at me with her arms folded under her breasts.
"Did you have enough to eat, Beni?"
"Did you have enough to eat, Beth?" she mimicked. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing," she said. "You never do nothing wrong. Now I know why Mama always treats you so special. Bet you're going to be even more stuck-up."
"That's silly, Beni. Of course I won't and I'm not stuck-up now."
The door opened and Roy entered. He paused looking from Beni to me.
"How's Mama?" he asked.
"She's just fine," Beni replied sharply. "Now that Precious has returned."
"Huh?"
`T'm going down to see Alicia," she said moving to the front door.
"You better not leave this building," Roy warned.
"Why? What's Mama going to do to me when I come back? Is she going to hug and kiss me and call me Sugar?" she replied and left, slamming the door behind her.
"What's wrong with her?" Roy asked.
"I don't know," I said. "She's more upset by all this than I am'
"Is Mama really okay?"
"She's fine, resting," I said. "I did the best I could with the dinner. Sorry about the burnt chops."
"I'd eat chunks of charcoal tonight," he said. "Be right out."
He crossed to the bathroom while I finished fixing the table.
"We hear from Ken?" he asked sitting down.
"Not that I know," I told him.
"He'll probably end up in jail like his brother," Roy predicted. He really had a voracious appetite, eating everything in sight. I ate as much as I could, which was nothing more than a few bites because my stomach still felt like it had been beaten on by a heavy-metal drummer. Roy looked in on Mama after dinner. I cleaned up and then took a shower, lucky because for once the water remained hot until I was finished. After, wrapped in a large bath towel, I sat in the bedroom and finished drying my hair with another towel. I heard a knock on the door.
"Yes?"
"Want some company for a while?" Roy asked. "Sure," I said.
Roy opened the door, but paused in the doorway. "Oh, I'll come back if you want."
"No, it's all right. I'm done," I said fluffing out my hair. He walked in and sat on my bed, his head down. "Mama all right?" I asked.
"Yeah. She's asleep." He looked up, his eyes full of pain. "That woman's been through hell. She doesn't need any more trouble," he said.
"I'm not going to cause any more, Roy."
He didn't look convinced.
"Do you think I'll be different, too, Roy? Like Beni thinks? You think I'll act as if I'm better?" I asked him.
"No," he said. "I can't imagine you treating anybody bad, Rain. Beni will get over it," he assured me. "She's always trying to get someone to feel sorry for her."
"She needs your love, Roy. She needs to feel wanted," I said.
He looked away for a moment and then he sat forward, bringing his hands to his lap and slowly lifting his head, his ebony eyes fixing on me so intently that it made my heart flutter.
"What?" I asked.
"You know how I felt when I first heard about you?" he asked.
"Confused and upset, I guess."
"No," he said. "I got this overwhelming feeling of relief; I was glad, Rain. It made me feel better about myself," he said.
I shook my head. "Now, I'm the one who's confus
ed." He looked down again before he looked up at me with the softest eyes.
"I used to think there was something terrible wrong with me, Rain. As long as I can remember, I had feelings toward you that made me sick
sometimes."
"Sick?" I turned more toward him. "Why?"
"Because I was looking at you in a way a brother shouldn't look at his sister. I couldn't help myself. I tried not to look at you more than I should. I even tried not to touch you. And if I did..."
"What?" I asked, my breath caught in my throat. "Well, I was feeling more like a man than a brother. You understand?"
I did, but I shook my head because I didn't want to understand.
"I was even jealous of the idea of you having a boyfriend. I was glad you were so particular. And I'd hate myself for being like that. I even thought about going to see the minister. Sometimes, I'd lay awake just listening through the walls to hear you and Beni talk, to hear your voice.
"I didn't want to be that way. I hated myself and once ... once I poked a pen into my leg to stop it," he said.
My eyes must have grown so big so fast, it scared him. "I didn't really hurt myself that much," he quickly added.
"Stop what, Roy?" I asked.
He looked away and then back at me, his face angry.
"The feelings I had for you, the heat in my body. It isn't right, I kept telling myself. It's ugly. It's sinful. But I couldn't help it and the older and prettier you got, the harder it was for me to stop it. When that creep Jerad made those remarks in the street about us, I thought I would kill him with my bare hands, but not because of what he said. Because I felt as if he saw what was inside me and I hated him for that and hated myself for showing it.
"So," he continued with a small smile on his lips, "when Beth told me what happened and the truth about you, I felt this weight lift off my heart, Rain. I thought, I'm not bad, after all. I know this is painful for you, but I can't help it--I'm glad you aren't my blood sister," he finally admitted.
Suddenly, as if for the first time, I realized I was sitting there with just a towel around me and Roy was in the same room. I never thought much about it before, but now I actually began to tremble in my seat, uncertain, wondering what I should say or do that wouldn't make him feel horrible. He was big and strong, but he looked as vulnerable as that little boy I had seen in the playground, desperate for a smile and some reassurance.
"You don't hate me for telling you this stuff, do you, Rain?"
I shook my head.
"No, I just don't...! mean, I'm not sure what to say, Roy. After I came home and Mama told me the whole story, it didn't make me feel different about her or Beth or you. Family has to be more than just having the same blood running through your veins. There are lots of brothers and sisters who never talk or see each other. Mama doesn't see her sister or brother and Ken hardly ever mentions his."
"Oh, I know that," Roy said quickly. "I don't expect anything to change overnight."
"I don't know what could change, Roy," I said softly and reached for his hand. "All my life you've been my big brother. I've loved you that way," I said. "I hope you'll always be my big brother."
He looked sad again, the pain that I had seen in his eyes returning, but he tried his best to disguise it.
"Sure," he said, nodding and forcing a smile. "I know that. I'm always going to be here for you, Rain. Nothing's changed that way."
"I have a lot to sort out now," I said. "I'll need your help."
His smile widened and warmed.
"Right. You know, in time, when everything settles in, the whole world will look different to you," he said hopefully. I knew he meant himself, but I couldn't begin to think of him as anything else but my big brother Roy.
"Well, isn't this cozy," Beni said entering.
The blood drained from Roy's face. He let go of my hand as if it was on fire and stood up.
"You shut your dirty mouth," he charged.
"Don't you be the one calling me dirty, Roy Arnold. You hear she isn't really your sister and you're in here holding hands before the day's over?"
"We're not holding hands that way. We're just... talking things out," he stuttered.
"Sure," she said. "Just talking things out." She smirked. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed." She started to undo her blouse.
Roy glanced down at me and then hurried out of the room, pausing in the doorway to look back at Beth.
"You better not make any filthy remarks or--"
"Or what?" she fired back at him, her hands on her hips. "I'm all you've got now. I'm your real sister. She ain't," she said, jabbing her forefinger at me.
Roy's mouth opened and shut and then he turned and slammed the door closed behind him. Beth smiled, happy with herself. I watched her move around the room, getting herself ready for bed.
"That was cruel, Beth. You have no reason to be so angry at us."
"Oh please," she said. Then she stopped and turned on me. "I might as well have been the adopted child. That's the way I've been treated."
"Beni--"
"Let's just go to sleep," she said, "and make believe we're sisters."
"We are sisters. We'll always be sisters, Beth. Nothing about that has changed," I said.
She looked at me as if I was saying the dumbest things and then gave me one of her annoying, condescending smiles.
"Why sure, Rain sugar, we're as thick as water." She laughed and went to the bathroom.
I put on my nightgown and crawled into bed. Beth had nothing more to say. She went to bed herself and put out the lamp on the table. It was dark and unusually quiet in the building. I lay there with my eyes open, thinking about Roy, on the other side of the wall, surely staring into the darkness, too, and maybe listening for the sound of my voice.
It frightened me, but in a confusing way because I couldn't help being flattered, titillated, maybe like Eve reaching for the forbidden fruit, terrified and excited at the same time.
I was almost afraid to fall asleep.
I was almost afraid of my dreams.
5
Exposed
.
Ken came home very late that night. I fretted in
and out of nightmares, tossing and turning on my bed as if I were in a small boat caught in a storm. I didn't hear him come in, but I heard raised voices, Mama's cries and her voice cracking with sobs, and then all was quiet. I looked over at Beni to see if she had been listening, too, but she was fast asleep. I lay awake for a long time before drifting back to my own restless sleep. Beni actually woke the next morning before I did and slammed the bathroom door to wake me. It sounded like a firecracker under the bed and I woke with a start. I hurried to wash and get dressed.
Roy was at the refrigerator, Beni was sipping coffee and munching on a sweet roll, and Mama was hovering over her own mug of coffee when I finally came out. Everyone looked at me, but no one spoke. There was a deep ominous silence like there would be if someone was in the next room dying. Finally, Beni smiled and said, "The princess has risen."
"If anyone thinks she's a princess around here, it's you," Roy charged.
Mama groaned at the prospect of early morning arguments among us and lowered her head some more. Her moan seemed to come from deep within her, from somewhere near the bottom of her soul. Roy and I exchanged a look of great concern and even Beni looked a little remorseful.
"What is it, Mama?" I asked.
She shook her head and then took a deep breath.
"He's gone and done something bad," she said. "I don't know what will come of it."
"What did he do, Mama?" I asked breathlessly. She looked up slowly.
"He went to those people and demanded more money. At least, that's what he says he did," she added.
"What people?" Roy asked.
"Rain's people, who do you think?" Beni said. Roy scowled at her and then turned to Mama.
"He's just blowing air, Mama. He wouldn't try to blackmail those people," Roy said.
"Oh, there's n
o telling what he'd do, Roy," she said with a voice dripping with fatigue. She sat back and gazed at her bedroom door. "He's a wild horse that won't rein in. I've tried, goodness knows, I've tried."
"Why'd you marry him, then?" Beni demanded rising. She dropped her cup into the sink so hard it almost shattered.
Mama looked from Roy to me and then laughed at Beni.
"Why did I marry him? Look who's sitting in judgment. Haven't I told you a thousand times, girl? Judge not that ye be not judged," Mama recited.
"I'm not afraid of being judged, Mama," Beni cried, her eyes tearing over. "No matter what you hear." She looked at me.
"Beni's not a bad girl, Mama," I said.
"I don't need you sticking up for me, Rain," Beni snapped at me.
"Why shouldn't she stick up for you? And you should stick up for her. You're kin," Mama said. "Never think different. You hear me, Beni? Beni?" she snapped when Beni looked away. "You hear?"
"Yes, Mama. We're kin," Beni repeated, but with a face she would have if she had bitten into a rotten apple.
"Good. Good," Mama said. She took a deep breath. "Just remember," she advised, "there's someone like that man I married waiting for you around some corner. Don't trust so quickly. Don't let yourself get into any more situations you'll regret, Beni."
Beni gazed at me again with her head tilted and her eyes slits of suspicion. I busied myself with my own breakfast. However, on the way to school, when Roy was far enough away, she asked me if I had ever told Mama what really had happened to her at the party.
"Did you tell Mama the truth about what happened at the party behind my back, Rain?"
"No, of course not," I said. "How could you think that, Beni?"
"You get along with Mama better than me. Lots of times you talk and I don't know what's said, Rain. You might be making yourself out to be better than me."
"I wouldn't do that, Beni. You should know me enough to know I wouldn't."
"I don't know nothing about nobody," she mumbled as if I had been the one who had kept the secret of my birth hidden all these years.
As soon as we arrived at school, she left me for her friends, even the ones who she knew had betrayed her. Could we ever be sisters again? I wondered.
I couldn't help feeling different about myself. It was like being born again or like I had slipped into another person. I kept gazing at myself in the mirror, thinking about ray features, wondering how much I looked like my real mother and my real father. I felt so changed I was sure others saw it, too.