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Where are you from, peasant?
Bes Pelargic, o lord.
Ah. I thought so. The big bamboo doors slid back. The new Lord Chamberlain stepped in, followed by a caravan of trolleys. Breakfast, o lord of a thousand years, he said. Big lumps of pig, big lumps of goat, big lumps of ox and seven fried rice. One of the servants lifted the lid of a dish. But take my tip and dont go for this pork, he said. Its been poisoned. The Chamberlain spun around. Insolent pig! You will die for this.
Its Rincewind, isnt it? said Cohen. Looks like Rincewind—
Got my hat here somewhere, said Rincewind. Had to stuff it down my trousers—
Poison? said Cohen. You sure?
Well, OK, it was a black bottle and it had a skull and crossbones on it and when he tipped it out it smoked, said Rincewind, as Mr Saveloy helped him up. Was it anchovy essence? I dont think so.
Poison, said Cohen. I hate poisoners. Just about the worst sort, poisoners. Creeping around, putting muck in a mans grub . . . He glared at the Chamberlain. Was it you? He looked at Rincewind and jerked a thumb towards the cowering Chamberlain. Was it him? Because if it was hes going to get done to him what I did to the mad Snake Priests of Start, and this time Ill use both thumbs!
No, said Rincewind. It was someone they called Lord Hong. But they all watched him do it. A little scream erupted from the Lord Chamberlain. He threw himself to the floor and was about to kiss Cohens foot until he realized that this would have about the same effect as eating the pork. Mercy, o celestial being! We are all pawns in the hands of Lord Hong!
Whats so special about Lord Hong, then?
Hes . . . a fine man! the Chamberlain gibbered. I wont say a word against Lord Hong! I certainly dont believe its true that he has spies everywhere! Long life to Lord Hong, thats what I say! He risked looking up and found the point of Cohens sword just in front of his eyes. Yeah, but right now whore you more frightened of? Me or this Lord Hong?
Uh . . . Lord Hong! Cohen raised an eyebrow. Im impressed. Spies everywhere, eh? He looked around the huge room and his gaze came to rest on a very large vase. He sauntered over to it and raised the lid. You OK in there?
Er . . . yes? said a voice from the depths of the vase. Got everythin you want? Spare notebook? Potty?
Er . . . yes?
Would you like, oh, lets say about sixty gallons of boiling water?
Er . . . no?
Would you rather die than betray Lord Hong?
Er . . . can I have a moment to think about it, please?
No problem. It takes a long time to heat the water in any case. As you were, then. He replaced the lid. One Big Mother? he said. Thats One Big River, Ghenghiz, said Mr Saveloy. The guard rumbled into life. Just you watch this vase and if it moves again you do to it what I once did to the Green Necromancer of the Night, all right?
Dont know what that was you did, lord, said the soldier. Cohen told him. One Big River beamed. From inside the jar came the noise of someone trying not to be sick. Cohen strolled back to the throne. So tell me a bit more about Lord Hong, then, he said. Hes the Grand Vizier, said the Chamberlain. Cohen and Rincewind looked at one another. Thats right. And everyone knows, said Rincewind, that Grand Viziers are always—
—complete and utter bastards, said Cohen. Dunno why. Give em a turban with a point in the middle and their moral wossname just gets eaten away. I always kill em soon as I meet em. Saves time later on.
I thought there was something fishy about him as soon as I saw him, said Rincewind. Look, Cohen—
Thats Emperor Cohen to you, said Truckle. Ive never trusted wizards, mister. Never trusted any man in a dress.
Rincewinds all right— said Cohen. Thank you! said Rincewind. —but a bloody useless wizard.
I just happened to risk my neck to save you, thank you so very much, said Rincewind. Look, some friends of mine are in the prison block. Could you . . . Emperor?
Sort of, said Cohen. Tempry, said Truckle.
Technically, said Mr Saveloy. Does that mean you can get my friends somewhere safe? I think Lord Hong has murdered the old Emperor and wants them to take the blame. Im rust hoping he wont believe theyll be hiding in the cells.
Why in the cells? said Cohen. Because if I had the chance to get away from Lord Hongs cells I would, said Rincewind, fervently. No-one in their right mindsd go back inside if they thought they had a chance to get away.
OK, said Cohen. Boy Willie, One Big Mother, go and round up some of your mates and bring those people here.
Here? said Rincewind. I wanted them to be somewhere safe!
Well, were here, said Cohen. We can protect em.
Whos going to protect you? Cohen ignored this. Lord Chamberlain, he said, I dont spect Lord Hongll be around but . . . in the court was a guy with a nose like a badger. A fat bugger, he was, with a big pink hat. And a skinny woman with a face like a hatful of pins.
That would be Lord Nine Mountains and Lady Two Streams, said the Lord Chamberlain. Er. You are not angry with me, o lord?
Gods bless you, no, said Cohen. In fact, mister, Im so impressed Im going to give you extra responsibilities.
Lord?
Food taster, for a start. And now go and fetch them other two. Didnt like the look of them at all. Nine Mountains and Two Streams were ushered in a few moments later. Their merest glance from Cohen to the untouched food would have passed entirely unnoticed by those who werent watching for it. Cohen nodded cheerfully at them. Eat it, he said. My lord! I had a large breakfast! I am entirely full! said Nine Mountains. Thats a pity, said Cohen. One Big Mother, before you go off just see Mr Nine Mountains over there and make some room in him so he can have another breakfast. The same goes for the lady, too, if I dont hear chomping in the next five seconds, A good mouthful of everything, understand? With lots of sauce. One Big River drew his sword.
The two nobles stared fixedly at the glistening mounds. Looks good to me, said Cohen conversationally. The way youre looking at it, any oned think there was something wrong with it. Nine Mountains gingerly put a piece of pork into his mouth. Extremely good, he said, indistinctly. Now swallow, said Cohen. The mandarin gulped. Marvellous, he said. And nnw, if your excellency will excuse me, I—
Dont rush off, said Cohen. We dont want you accidentally sticking your fingers down your throat or anything like that, do we? Nine Mountains hiccuped. Then he hiccuped again. Smoke appeared to be rising from the bottom of his robe. The Horde dived for cover just as the explosion removed an area of floorboards, a circular part of the ceiling and all of Lord Nine Mountains. A black hat with a ruby button on it spun around on the floor for a moment. Thats just like me and pickled onions, said Vincent. Lady Two Streams was standing with her eyes shut. Not hungry? said Cohen. She nodded. Cohen leaned back. One Big Mother?
Its “River”, Cohen, said Mr Saveloy, as the guard lumbered forward. Take her with you and put her in one of the dungeons. See that she has plenty to eat, if you know what I mean.
Yes, excellency.
And Mr Chamberlain here can push off down to the kitchen again and tell the chef hes going to share what we eat this time, and hes gonna eat it first, all right?
Yes indeed, excellency.
Call this living? Caleb burst out, as the Lord Chamberlain scuttled away. This is being Emperor, is it? Cant even trust the food? Well probably be murdered in our beds!
Cant see you being murdered in your bed, said Truckle. Yeah, cos youre never in it, said Cohen. He walked over to the big jar and gave it a kick. You getting all this?
Yessir, said the jar. There was some laughter. But it had an edge of nervousness. Mr Saveloy realized that the Horde werent used to this. If a true barbarian wanted to kill someone during a meal, hed invite him in with all his henchmen, sit them down, get them drunk and sleepy and then summon his own men from hiding places to massacre them instantly in a straight-forward, no-nonsense and honourable manner. It was completely fair. The get them drunk and butcher the lot of them
stratagem was the oldest trick in the book, or would have been if barbarians bothered with books. Anyone falling for it would be doing the world a favour by being slaughtered over the pudding. But at least you could trust the food. Barbarians didnt poison food. You never knew when you might be short of a mouthful yourself. Excuse me, your excellency, said Six Beneficent Winds, who had been hovering, I think Lord Truckle is right. Er. I know a little history. The correct method of succession is to wade to the throne through seas of blood. That is what Lord Hong is planning to do.
You say? Seas of blood, right?
Or over a mountain of skulls. Thats an option, too.
But . . . but . . . I thought the Imperial crown was handed down from father to son, said Mr Saveloy. Well, yes, said Six Beneficent Winds. I suppose that could happen in theory.
You said once we were at the top of the pyramid every oned do what we said, said Cohen to Mr Saveloy. Truckle looked from one to the other. You two planned this? he said accusingly. This is what its all been about, isnt it? All that learnin to be civilized? And right at the start you just said it was going to be a really big theft! Eh? I thought we were just going to nick a load of stuff and push off! Loot and pillage, thats the way—
Oh, loot and pillage, loot and pillage, Ive had it up to here with loot and pillage! said Mr Saveloy. Is that all you can think of, looting and pillaging?
Well, there used to be ravishing, too, said Vincent wistfully.
I hate to tell you, but theyve got a point, Teach, said Cohen. Fightin and lootin . . . thats what we do. I aint happy with all this bowing and scraping business. I aint sure if I was cut out for civilization. Mr Saveloy rolled his eyes. Even you, Cohen? Youre all so . . . dim-witted! he snapped. I dont know why I bother! I mean, look at you! You know what you are? Youre legends! The Horde stepped back. No-one had ever seen Teach lose his temper before. From legendum, which means “something written down”, said Mr Saveloy. Books, you know. Reading and writing. Which incidentally is as alien to you as the Lost City of Ee— Truckles hand went up, a little nervously. Actually, I once discovered the Lost City of—
Shut up! Im saying . . . What was I saying? . . . yes . . . you dont read, do you? You never learned to read? Then youve wasted half your life. You could have been accumulating pearls of wisdom instead of rather shoddy gems. Its just as well people read about you and dont meet you face to face because, gentlemen, you are a big disappointment! Rincewind watched, fascinated, waiting for Mr Saveloy to have his head cut off. But this didnt seem about to happen. He was possibly too angry to be beheaded. What have you actually done, gentlemen? And dont tell me about stolen jewels and demon lords. What have you done thats real? Truckle raised a hand again. Well, I once killed all four of the—
Yes, yes, yes, said Mr Saveloy. You killed this and you stole that and you defeated the giant man-eating avocados of somewhere else, but . . . its all . . . stuff. Its just wallpaper, gentlemen! It never changes anything! No-one cares! Back in Ankh-Morpork Ive taught boys who think you are myths. Thats what youve achieved. They dont believe you ever really existed. They think someone made you up. Youre stories, gentlemen. When you die no-one will know, because they think youre already dead. He paused for breath, and then continued more slowly. But here . . . here you could be real. You could stop playing at your lives. You could take this ancient and somewhat rotten Empire back into the world. At least. . . he trailed off. Thats what Id hoped. I really thought that, perhaps, we might actually achieve something . . . He sat down. The Horde stood staring at its various feet or wheels. Um. Can I say something? The warlords will all be against you, said Six Beneficent Winds. Theyre out there now, with their armies. Normally theyd fight amongst themselves, but theyll all fight you.