CHAPTER FOUR
I had heard the phrase ‘Tapestry of Life’; I didn’t take much notice of this at the time, until I was attending counselling some years later when I heard the phrase again, along with the ‘weaving of your thread’. The thread is your life’s path and the tapestry is the picture that emerges as you move through your years here on Earth. It is made up of your experiences and the choices you make in your life, a pictorial representation. However, it is not physical: you can’t hold it in your hands but you can build it in your mind and learn more about you. This process can be quite difficult, because you need to go back through your life and remember; reflect and understand what has happened; why it has happened and what you learnt from it, if anything. It is an honest and frank look at who you have been, who you are now and how you may be or want to be in the future. Your thread can weave your picture, either through chaos or through you mindfully leading its path, as the thread is the choices you have made and will make in your life. It does not happen overnight; even when you understand the concept, it takes time and mental energy to look at your life, the choices you make or have made and where they have taken you. Many people will also influence your thread, as you will influence theirs, for none of us stand alone. We are all affected in some way by the interaction we have with other people, and those people by others in their lives, and so on and so on; it is an intricate process, for no one weaves their thread In isolation.
My tapestry is very big. I have woven paths that are dark, which I can only assume also had negative effects on those around me. Being aware of the cause of things that have occurred in your past can’t take away the pain that was felt at the time or that you still carry with you, but what it does do is enable you to look at where you went from that moment in your life. You are able to explore the options and choices you took, giving them a link in your life to who you are now. I found and still find this a very calming and cathartic process and through this process I have taught myself to forgive but not to forget. This is a very important philosophy to adopt and a very difficult one, but I have managed to accommodate this into my life. It enables me to make clearer choices in my life and for the right reasons, because I do not make them in haste, anger or for revenge.
I now look at the words ‘forgiveness’ and ‘forget’ in a different light. When we forgive someone something, then there seems to be an assumption that we have to forget. I thought that forgiveness led the way to the disappearance of the act and completely wiped out that which someone or something had done to you, as if nothing had happened. I used to adopt this view and did not forgive, for fear it made me accepting of the act, devaluing myself in the process. Because of this I carried anger inside me for long periods of time, which affected my life choices, the paths and doors that opened up to me, and the development of my personality. It also affected the thread that I was weaving because, now I have better understanding of my tapestry of life, I realise that you can weave different coloured threads and at the time in my life where my forgiveness was very small, my thread was very dark in places, producing my life’s path under shadows. This was because I held anger inside which affected my judgement and my presentation to the world. The interesting part for me was when I finally began to understand what was happening. I realised that I was the only person from the situation that was still holding anger inside. All those involved had moved on and they had no idea I was still harbouring anger for their actions. In fact, the only person who was continuing to be hurt was me and not only inside my soul, my inner life, but in my day-to-day existence, because my choices were clouded by anger and resentment. This was transferred onto others by my actions and therefore many other people’s lives were being affected. So, by forgiving those that we feel have neglected us, done wrong to us and hurt us, we really give ourselves peace within, which will have a positive influence on our future days. To forgive but not forget gives you back control over your life and that in turn supports healthier decisions, based on what is good for you, not what is destructive to you.
Forgiveness enables you to be more open to channelling calmer thoughts within you because you can look at a situation with clarity and understanding and discover solutions within you to deal with what you have experienced. I have begun to apply this to some of my past experiences and it is beginning to enable me to look at things more clearly, why things may have been as they were, why others have been as they have and also why I acted as I did, for I have also hurt people through anger before. It has led me to being able to start the process of forgiving myself and see that many things were not my fault and, where the fault was mine, I have been able to adjust the part of me that reacted in such a destructive way.
To say ‘I forgive but I do not forget’ is brave, there is no doubt about it, and it is not something you just decide to do. Many human souls have been hurt, destroyed, abused and neglected so much that the level of pain goes so deep. For such deep hurt, to move towards this way of thinking is one of the bravest and most difficult things to do, but I believe it can be achieved over time by taking it one step at a time. This may involve the help of others to support you on this path. It could lead to clarity, it could return control to you and you could then feel free to make your life choices and begin to weave your tapestry in threads of orange and yellow, a brighter future for you to behold.
As I reflect more and understand my tapestry, I find myself growing tall and I see those that hurt me in a different light. I understand that their choices were their choices; I do not have to feel responsible for them. I acknowledge the anger and pain that they had held within, which led them to do as they did. It is not my role to change their path; only they have the ability to do that. But what I do know is that when people start to forgive, there is more softness in them, more ability for them to open themselves up to needing less control in their life; leading to the building of closer relationships which allows them to change their tapestry of life and to thread with brighter colours, with brighter days ahead. It is amazing and a sight to behold when someone is released from anger. The ability to talk for the first time with clarity about that which caused them pain and who caused the pain provides the beginning of a way forward to understanding yourself more. If we can begin to understand who we are, then we can begin to walk towards who we were meant to be. It is a journey within our journey, one of discovery and forgiveness for us, one that brings light into our lives, which will touch all those around us. A world where souls can grow and open their inner eyes could enable all to behold the beauty of our planet and it will be another step towards the collective consciousness working together to support the Earth to weave its tapestry too.
By not forgetting, we learn to respect ourselves. It is not right that other humans are able to inflict devastation and pain in our lives; we need to build self-respect. By remembering in a calm way, we give ourselves an insight into how we should not act and how we do not want to be treated again. From reflection, we can hold within us knowledge about the signs we need to recognise to protect ourselves in the future. This can make us gain insight and build on our intuition. So, overall, not forgetting is a positive experience, a positive thread in our tapestry against the negative experience of not forgiving.
Our tapestry of life does not only get woven through our struggles and sorrows, its threads come also from our happiness and joyfulness. These threads are the colours of the rainbow that intricately get woven with love and tenderness. The joys of the world are many; we can choose to walk the paths that will enhance who we are and support us to become who we are meant to be. A child being born, the sun in the sky, the smile on a face, laughter in the air and the blue sea at the shore are joyous things, along with so many more. You will have your own things in your life that will make you happy; as you experience them and think of them, imagine that your tapestry is growing brightly in your life.
Visualisation is a good technique. I have adopted it many times since I started to understand and embrace the concept of the tape
stry of life. I really don’t know what it looks like, if it is supposed to resemble anything particular, so I hold in my mind a storybook with pages filled of my life. As we all have free choice, the vision of your tapestry can be anything that you want it to be. My tapestry pages are based on years: each page represents a year and I look back and think about what colours would have been woven when. Were they bright, and if so why? Were they dark, and if so why? What length of thread was used and when did it change in thickness and colour? By reflecting on my experiences visually, both good and bad, I can begin to build a picture of my life and see what impact there was on me, as well as my impact on others.
My tapestry is now much more colourful, the thread I weave is like silk, whereas it has been like twisted rope before; well, that is how I have visualised it. Once again it has taken me years to be able to think and act as I now do, with many good choices in my life path leading me to meet the individuals that I am meant to meet to ensure that I move towards who I am truly meant to be. I am not perfect, and I do not have all the answers, and nor would I presume that I do, but I have developed certain ways and understandings that have helped me look within myself. This has been life changing for me and I hope that, by sharing my thoughts and the understanding I have developed, you may be able to take some of these and adapt them to your life; and open up your own wisdom that fits your own life, which you can then share with others, so they may be able to look within and change their tapestry of life.
There is so much potential in each and every one of us at all different levels of life. Everybody’s tapestry will be different: some will never leave the dark thread, some will move in and out a complex pathway of all colours, dark and light, and some will weave in gold and silk all their lives. None of us are meant to have the same tapestry, all of us are unique and equality will never be on this Earth. The human species would not survive if we all had the same. But what I do believe is that we should all have equality of choices, which are relative to where we are born on this planet.
We need to grow our intuition, our ability to recognise signs, which lead us to the right choices, and I believe that the ‘tapestry of life’ can begin to assist us with this. For nothing is more powerful than seeing where you have come from and understanding how you have got where you are. It may be that we really don’t like what we find, but if we don’t look, then how can we see where we need to go? I look back on stages of my life and some I am ashamed of, some I am sad about and some I am happy about. I can see how my actions changed my tapestry and also how others have woven the colours for me by their actions. There are times when the actions from me on others have caused my tapestry to blacken, but with the knowledge and insight I have developed, I am able to forgive myself, which is one of the most freeing experiences I have ever felt. Nobody ever gets everything right. We all do things, which we wish we had not, but as long as we can begin to understand and look to find reasons why and learn from our actions to become a better person, then we will learn to forgive, not only ourselves but others too. Our tapestry of life will become intricate and colourful and we will be able to experience life more fully, more gently and contribute positively to the growth of the collective consciousness that walks this earth.
By this time snow had begun to lightly fall: I wrapped my blanket tightly round me and walked silently with Miriam towards the shack just ahead on the mountain path. Miriam’s blanket glowed and made you feel warm just by looking at it: it was if she had a bubble of protection against the elements placed around her. Strangely, there were parts of my blanket that were comfortable to be against more than others; more warmth radiated in certain areas, which I tried to stay within. I struggled to maintain full body warmth and longed to be in the shelter of the shack’s four walls, for I had faith that in there I would be given what I needed.
The shack was basic, unlike where we had been before, but it was out of the wind and I was grateful for that. There was a small stove, which we lit with the wood that lay beside it. The only real light was Miriam’s blanket. Food was what we had carried in our backpacks. Miriam opened her blanket out and its radiance filled the shack and the warmth from it kept us warm until the fire could take over. Our comfortable silence was short this time; Miriam broke it by explaining that she had listened to me and my explanations of the tapestry of life and she would like to add to this from her own experience. This was exciting for me for this was the first time she had really given me insight from her, rather than just listening to me. I sat, in anticipation. “Your knowledge is far above what we had expected and for that we are truly grateful. You have learned well and we gain strength in knowing that the choice we made many moons ago was the right one. But yours is a lifetime journey and I am here to help you with this stage of growth and for that I will show you the tapestry of my life”. With this she spread her blanket on the floor before me: no longer was it a blanket but an intricate woven tapestry, full to the brim of colours that danced and played with each other, a symphony of life before me.
“Like yours” Miriam said “it was not always bright and warm. It took hard work and courage to learn to love myself and make choices in my life that supported my soul’s development. The relationship you are building with yourself is leading you to where you are meant to go: the one you are building with me is so that you know you are on the right path”. With that, a tear dropped from her eye and she gestured for me to look at my blanket. As I turned, there were more areas that were light and colourful than there had been when I left to walk the mountain, Miriam picked it up and wrapped it round me: it was warmer than before.
I slept well that night and woke refreshed. Miriam made tea and beckoned me to the window; the sun was shining, the sky azure blue and ahead the mountaintop where we would end this part of our journey shone in the morning sun. Miriam turned and smiled and said “Tell me about your understandings of relationships, Angela”. With this her hand reached into her velvet pouch and the golden dust was thrown on the floor before me and as it settled the verse read,
Within there lie unopened doors
A whole new you to be explored
Bring forth yourself both bold and true
And build a relationship with you.
The golden dust lifted from the floor and returned to its velvet pouch, we shut the door, headed towards the summit and I began to talk about relationships.