Her eyebrows burrowed together and she stood up and walked to the counter. Turning her back to me so I couldnʼt read her expression, she opened the dishwasher and loaded her plate in noisily. Turning around, she straightened up and leaned her elbows against the counter with a thoughtful look on her face. She looked incredibly sexy. “Someone who doesnʼt think of me as a walking vagina,” she blurted out.
I laughed so hard my sides ached. I laughed, not because what she said was funny, but because I felt like the complete opposite toward her. Yes, I wanted to be with her, but in so many more ways than just the one way, she thought.
A slow, hesitant, tight smile appeared on her face, and my stomach dropped. “And whatʼs your deal? What happened to you that makes you think that women were put here to serve you? Maybe something happened that makes you so insecure that you would be incapable of having a relationship or normal friendship with a girl?” Shit. I guess I went too far.
“Thereʼs no deep dark reason, no insecurity, nothing to read into. I just donʼt want anything more from someone. Ever. There is no need for it. Every girl I sleep with knows my intentions clearly. They want to fuck the lead singer of Mad World. I give them what they want and get what I want from them. Thereʼs no need for more. None of them are worth more than that.” I was done with the conversation. She needed to know that those chicks meant nothing to someone like me. “So, what do you do? Where were you living all this time?”
She flinched as if I had asked her a painful question. “Jobless at the moment. Iʼve been living with my brother in a hospice for the last few months, so my job was just to try to make him comfortable.”
Wow. How many women in their twenties would be able to put their lives on hold to take care of a sick brother? I had never met a human with compassion for another like that. The conversation was getting worse. I wanted to find something about her that would make me NOT want her anymore, not information that would make me fall in love with her.
“Thatʼs heavy. What about your parents? Did everybody in your family just move there to be with him?” I asked. Maybe they forced her to go?
“Nope. My parents are both dead. It was just Jake and me. How about you? Whatʼs your family like? Where are you from, what do you do?”
Damn. She was a beautiful person inside and out. I hated myself for wanting her so much. I hated myself for wanting to be more human than I was. I hated myself for wanting her to be Selah.
“Normal family. They all live in Florida now. Nothing dysfunctional. My parents are still married, no one had dependency problems, and no one ever hit me. And being the lead singer for Mad World really pays all my bills,” I sneered. The tone came out all wrong and the words sounded so harsh, but I could barely contain the rage I was feeling inside myself, for myself, at that moment. I wanted this hell to be over. I didnʼt want this beautiful creature to be shoved in my face by mocking angels somewhere above me. It was beyond cruel and evil to dangle this need in front of me just to punish me for falling in love so long ago.
The coarse pitch of her voice snapped me from my own rage. “Hm. Sounds like youʼre put together all nicely. Even though youʼre standing here having a difficult time having an innocently normal conversation with someone of the opposite sex, knowing that there is no way in hell Iʼd ever sleep with you. No, Shane, you are not dysfunctional in any way.” She stormed out of the room as if her ass was on fire.
I bolted up out of my chair and stumbled over the table to try to get her. “Wait, Grace...”
“Save it for someone who would actually care about what you had to say, Shane,” she yelled back to me. Then she practically ran down the hall and slammed her bedroom door. I even heard the lock click in place.
With soft steps, I walked to her door and stood staring at it. I leaned my arms against either side of it, and fought against the idea of knocking. It would only get worse. She would only hate me more. I needed to leave her alone and just live as Shane, not as Shamsiel, the fallen angel. I wasnʼt an angel anymore. And there was no way someone like Shane Maxton was good enough for Grace. Please, God, let me get her out of my thoughts. No matter what she looks like, she’s not Selah.
I left without saying goodbye to Conner and Lea. They werenʼt in the living room when I passed to leave. Hopefully, they had enough sense to know Iʼd left and lock the door behind me. I slammed it behind me loudly to emphasize my departure.
When I got home, my apartment was empty. It was only 10:30 in the morning, and way too early to start drinking for a Sunday. I walked to my bedroom to get my guitar. I figured Iʼd spend the day with the love of my life, an inanimate object whose existence wouldnʼt send me straight to hell.
Chapter 5
A small yellow sticky note hung squarely in the middle of my bedroom door.
Your phone is off. Emergency. Call me - Ethan
I took my phone out of my pocket and turned it on. The screen blew up with voice messages and texts. Without reading or listening to any of them, I called Ethan. He picked up on the first ring. “Shane? Iʼve been trying to reach you all day...”
“All day? Dude. Itʼs only like 10:30, whatʼs up?” I laughed.
“You didnʼt get any of our messages?” he huffed.
“No, I just got your sticky note on my door. Why? Whatʼs going on?”
“Weʼre at the hospital. Alex got jumped last night by that chickʼs boyfriend. Heʼs banged up pretty bad,” Ethan explained.
“What? Iʼm coming now. Where are you?”
“Lennox...Dude, I think both his arms are broken...oh...Iʼm going in with him now to get x-rays. He is such a wuss. Weʼre all still in the waiting room,” he said.
“I’ll be right there.”
I jumped in the shower and washed as fast as I could. I threw on whatever clothes I could find and ran out the door. I shivered when the outside frigid air hit my wet hair. My head would probably form icicles if I walked, so I waved for a cab and jumped into the first one that stopped for me.
When I got to Lennox Hill Hospital, I walked through the emergency room and right into the triage unit until I found three idiots sitting on a gurney behind a closed curtain, asking one of the nurses if she wanted to give each of them a sponge bath. Of course, the nurse was giggling at them.
I pulled the curtain open to see Brayden and Ethan sitting on opposite sides of a very messed up Alex. He looked horrible. His lip was busted open. There was an open bloody gash over one of his eyes and he couldnʼt move without whimpering. Yet, he smiled when I walked in and cracked jokes about the reasons I might have stayed out all night and why no one was able to find me until 10:30 that morning. His lip bled when he laughed and dripped a long strip of dark red blood down his chin, “Damn, Shane. She must be something special if you left the bar early and stayed with her until now. Who is she?”
“I think that guy didnʼt hit you hard enough if you believe that. What happened?” I asked.
“Ah, the girl’s boyfriend was hiding in the closet, and as you can see…he handed my ass to me. Anyway, who is the girl you’ve been with all night? Wait, if youʼre hiding it, maybe itʼs a guy. Because, I always wondered about you, youʼre way too pretty,” he laughed and then squinted his eyes in pain.
I cracked up. “Youʼre the only one for me, Alex,” I batted my eyelashes at him. “So, really, what happened?”
Alexʼs face turned serious. Well, as serious as Alex could get. “I took that girl home, and I didnʼt even sleep with her.” His cheeks turned bright red, “Okay, I didn’t sleep with her last night. Her boyfriend jumped out of the closet with a wooden bat. I put both my hands up to block the swing. Then he just pummeled me and ran like a girl when I got up to go after him.”
“Yeah, then I get this crazy call from Alexʼs cell phone. But itʼs not Alex, itʼs the girl screaming at me that she thinks Alex is dying in her living room,” Ethan said laughing.
“She thought I was dying, but didnʼt call 911. She hit my phone history and called the last person that I had calle
d. Thank God, I hadnʼt just called my mom,” Alex chuckled.
The doctor walked in then and explained the results of the x-rays to Alex. Both his arms were broken, one arm in three different places, and they would need to be in casts for at least six weeks. He just about cried when the doctor said he wouldnʼt be able to play guitar or piano until they healed.
Brayden, Ethan, and I, had to hold him down when the doctor set his arms so they could put the casts on. Then someone else came in, cleaned, and stitched his lip up. I asked them if it was possible for them to stitch his lips together, but no one except my friends found the question amusing.
We left the hospital around 3:30 that afternoon and stood like four fools in front of the entrance trying to figure out what we were going to do. Without Alex, we wouldnʼt be able to play any gigs for at least six weeks. We walked straight to Lea and Graceʼs apartment, knowing thatʼs where we would find Conner, who had taken the role of our manager and promoter long ago.
Conner is the one who introduced us to Boozerʼs Bar while we were still in high school, when his older brother snuck us in on a busy Friday night. We hung out quietly sipping beers at a back table listening to a punk band until their set was over. Not being able to help ourselves, we started playing the instruments that had been left alone on stage. The guys who owned the instruments drunkenly laughed at us, but Boozer, the owner, admired our confidence. Conner talked him into letting us play a gig and the crowd that packed the bar for us was insane. Boozer hired us every weekend after, and weʼd been there ever since. He used to let us have two beers max a night when we were underage and half the cover charge at the door. We lived like kings. We still do. Especially now that the band bought the bar from Boozer, and we just kept the name. Boozer was now our manager, and ran the bar for us. It was a very lucrative business, and we still got to play our music any time we wanted to.
When Lea opened the door, the first thing she saw was Alexʼs messed up face, and the first thing she did was scream. And it was one of those earsplitting screams that chicks do that make your insides curl and make you want to vomit and tear your freaking ears off. She pulled him by the front of his shirt and yanked him through the doorway, “Oh my God, Conner! Conner!”
Conner came running, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Alex. “What the hell happened to you?” Conner demanded as Lea dragged Alex through the living room and shoved him onto the couch. Everybody started talking all at once, trying to relay the story. Alex made himself sound more and more like a hero each time he repeated it, his casts comically waving dramatically as he retold the story he dubbed, The Adventure with the Bitch and Baseball Bat. I leaned against the front door and watched the mayhem.
I was looking down at my cell to check the time when all the voices stopped at once.
“Are you seriously wearing teddy bear pajamas?” Alex asked someone. I snapped my head up to look at Alex, as he arched one eyebrow, “That is incredibly adorable and sexy.” I followed his stare. Grace had come into the room. She wore a cute pair of pink flannel pajama bottoms that had fluffy teddy bears all over them, and a tight pink, almost sheer tee shirt for a top, without a bra underneath. Yeah, without a bra. I wanted to wrap my coat around her so everybody would stop staring at her. I didnʼt want anyoneʼs eyes on her but mine.
Grace pointed down and lifted her foot up to show Alex her slipper. “Complete with my comfy teddy bear slippers. What in the world is going on in here? Why are both your arms in casts?”
Brayden was the first one to exhale. “This loser spent the morning in the hospital after getting his ass kicked last night.”
Everyone else still had their eyes glued to Graceʼs skin tight shirt. Alex’s fucking tongue was hanging out of his damn mouth as he gawked at her. You could seriously see everything through the freaking shirt, EVERYTHING! Shit, the curves of her body made me so aroused; I could barely think straight. Were my friends feeling the same way looking at her right now? I quickly looked at each one of the guys. Shit, hell yeah they were thinking the same fucking dirty things as me!
Grace stepped closer to Alex and pushed some hair off his forehead to inspect the cuts and bruises. Ahh, please donʼt fucking touch him like that, go back in your room, change your fucking clothes!
Oblivious to her effects on the opposite sex, she remained there. Perfect. Sexy. Forbidden. “Holy Crap,” she murmured. “What the hell happened?” Alex just stood there with his mouth open, drooling, staring at her chest. His face was bright red.
Lea answered her for him. He was probably incapable of speaking to her right then, most likely because all the blood in his entire body was pooling in his dick, “Seems that one of the bimbos from last night had a boyfriend. That said boyfriend introduced himself to Alex by way of his fists and a baseball bat.” Lea then started handing out bottles of water and bowls of chips to everyone.
“A baseball bat?” Grace gasped. Even her gasp sounded sexual! Stop it, Shane!
“Yeah. The dude jumped out on me from the closet with the bat. I threw my hands up to block it. Broke both my arms and did some other stuff that I can’t remember now because you’re standing in front of me wearing all that innocent sexiness and my head is all fuzzy,” Alex explained. His face turned even redder.
“Please tell me the boyfriend looks worse,” she pleaded.
Ethan roared with laughter, “I think maybe Alex hit him with some splatters of blood, but thatʼs about it!”
Ethan moved closer to Grace. Shit, Ethan please donʼt touch her. I canʼt control these human emotions, I donʼt know what Iʼll say or do.
Fuck, I felt like I was about to burst. My skin tingled all over my body as if it was electrically charged. Sweat broke out all over my face. I wanted Alex and Ethan to get the fuck away from her. I wanted her to put a damn shirt on that wasn’t freakin’ fucking invisible! “Yeah, well, thatʼs all really funny. But who is gonna play rhythm guitar this weekend, or next? Or, how about the week after that? Who the hell are we gonna find who could play as good as Alex, and play his keyboard, and sing, and learn all the fucking songs before Friday night?” Damn, I just made myself sound like an inconsiderate tool, all because I’m so freaking jealous I can’t think straight.
Ethan stopped moving towards Grace, which is exactly what I had wanted to do. Unfortunately, now everybody in the whole room was eyeballing me. Not until I saw the scowl on Graceʼs face did I think I had said it with too much fury. Little did these people know what really was burning my insides. Hell, I could probably play rhythm, keyboard and lead guitar; all I wanted was Grace to want me and it was tearing me up inside that she was so out of my reach. So close to everybody else.
I looked at Conner for help. He must have seen the confusion and craziness in my eyes, because he took over. He waved his hand at me like he was saying, “I got your back, bro,” and calmly captured the room. “Listen, itʼs only Sunday. We have until Friday night. You know there is a shitload of guitar players in New York City that have your CDs and know your music by heart. Letʼs ask around, make some fliers and have a small audition on Thursday. You guys can pick the best player. You definitely wonʼt find anyone who could play the piano and the guitar like Alex, but just donʼt do the songs that call for both. Alex, how long do you have to have the casts on?”
“Six weeks or so,” Alex muttered looking down at his casts.
“Okay, so itʼs only for a few weeks. Just think of the exposure itʼll get you with having auditions. But if thatʼs not good for you guys, cancel the next six weekends. Take a break,” Conner advised the band, but he was just looking at me. In his own way, telling me to take a break and calm down.
I nodded my head at him and mumbled so no one else but him could hear, “Thanks, Con, I owe you one.”
He offered me a salute in acknowledgment while the rest of the room discussed his advice.
“We can always get Tucker to do it. Itʼs been a while, but I bet he remembers how to play,” Ethan offered. Yeah, that would be the worst idea ever
. Being on stage would add to his enormous ego. He was in the band with us before and he never took playing seriously. He just reveled in all the attention it got him.
Lea left the room and Grace jumped up to follow her. I waited maybe a minute or two, listening to the guys talk and then went in after them. Yes, I was definitely demonstrating signs of stalker-ish psychopathic behavior. Wonderful. Crown me the king of Douchedom.
Lea was in the kitchen sitting at the table. She was giving Grace a pouty face. “They may be jerks sometimes, but they are really great guys, even Shane.”
Okay, this was probably an awkward conversation to be walking in on. I should just leave. But my feet just rooted to the spot like a freakin’ tree. I cleared my throat and asked, “Even Shane what?”
Both girls jumped and stared at me with giant open eyes. Deer caught in headlights.
Lea tilted her head, looked at Graceʼs expression, and gave me a sly smile. I didnʼt get what it meant, but I knew she just had some special thought that had to do with me and Grace. “We were just wondering what we could do to help, thatʼs all? Um, how long were you standing there?” Lea smiled.
I looked right into Graceʼs wide silver eyes; there was something she didnʼt want me to know, something she was afraid of because I saw raw fear. “Long enough to know that we are jerks, but really great guys, even me,” I said still locking my eyes with Grace’s.
Lea giggled at Grace and me standing there, “Yep, thatʼs how I feel about you guys in a nutshell. So what can I do to help?” She asked, jumping out of the chair she was sitting in. Grace didnʼt move at all.
“Do you have markers and paper? We could make some posters and put them up in all the local bars,” I said, not breaking eye contact at all with Grace as I answered Lea. That was what I had heard the guys discussing before I left them. I didn’t know if they really needed the crap. I was kind of just grasping at straws so I could see what the hell was going on with Grace.