“Herbs?”
“For the Elixirs,” he replied. When I frowned, he continued, “Those are the healers who work in Eydis Sanctuary.”
“We also gather herbs for the Alchemists in Pyralis Apothecary,” Tess added. She was wielding a pair of pruning shears and I cringed, remembering the hack job I’d done on my hair with them. “But that will take a few lessons. Those herbs are tricky and a little dangerous.”
Ansel flashed a smile at Tess, and I was thrilled to see genuine enthusiasm warm his features. “I’ll take whatever you throw at me. Just say the word.”
“One step at a time.” Tess returned his smile before standing up, taking a full basket in each hand. “Why don’t you take a break while I run these to Eydis? You probably would like to hear Calla’s story.”
“We can help you carry them, Tess,” Bryn said. “There are more baskets.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she replied. “I’ll bring us back some lemonade. The lemons were just harvested this morning, so it will be amazing.”
“Sounds great!” Ansel grinned, plopping down into the dirt. Bryn nestled beside him, snuggling into his embrace. He didn’t flinch or try to pull away. My throat started to close up again and I had to look away, focusing on the ripening cherries that hung from the branches of a nearby tree. The tightness of my throat gave way to my mouth’s sudden watering.
“So what are you doing hanging out with the civilians, Cal?” Bryn asked as I sprawled on a bench across the path from where they sat. “Shouldn’t you be plotting the overthrow of the Keepers?”
“I guess.” I lay back, letting the Mediterranean sun drench my skin.
“You guess?” Something in her voice made me look at her. Bryn’s blue eyes were narrowed, searching. “What’s going on?”
I ground my teeth. “Well . . . it’s just . . . I . . .”
“Spit it out,” she said.
“I wanted to try something. I need to . . .” God, this is so hard.
“You need to what?” Ansel was gazing at me; worry furrowed his brow.
“I need to talk about my feelings,” I finally blurted out, and instantly felt blood rushing into my cheeks. I was sure my face mirrored the crushed velvet red of the nearby roses.
Ansel and Bryn both burst out laughing.
“Thanks,” I growled. “Your support is duly noted.”
“Sorry, Cal,” Bryn said, grinning and wiping a tear from her cheek. “It’s just . . . you’re adorable.”
“Adorable?!” I showed her my fangs. “I need help!”
“We’ll help.” Ansel was still laughing. “But it’s hilarious to watch you squirm just because you want to talk to us. Talking to their friends is what people do, Calla.”
“It’s not what I do,” I snarled. “I like to handle things on my own.”
“We know.” Bryn stopped smiling. “That means something’s really gotten to you.”
“Sure does,” Ansel said. “What’s up?”
Heat flooded my cheeks again. I stared at the path’s paving stones.
“Oh . . . oh,” Bryn said. I glanced up to see her and Ansel share a meaningful look.
“Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands.
Bryn kissed Ansel on the cheek and came over to me. “Scoot. I need to sit here.”
I made a place for her on the bench.
“Do you want this to just be girl talk or can your brother stay?” she asked.
“He stays,” I said quickly. “I need to hear what both of you think.”
“About your love life?” Ansel teased.
“You know I’m not above biting you—” I started, and instantly regretted my words.
His eyes clouded for a minute, but he forced a smile. “I’ll just muzzle you if you start acting like a rabid animal.”
“Enough,” Bryn interrupted. “Time for serious. What’s on your mind?”
Who’s on my mind is the better question.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just feel . . . confused.”
“About what?” Bryn lowered her voice. “About sleeping with Shay? Do you think it was a mistake?”
I blushed, glancing at Ansel. He was grinning like a fool again.
“No,” I said. “I’m not sorry. But I don’t know that it really changed anything.”
Ansel’s grin faded. “You’re saying you want to be with Ren?”
“Did you ever want to be with Ren?” Bryn peered at me like I was a specimen under a microscope. My skin felt hot, uncomfortable, and I didn’t think it was the warmth of the sun causing it.
“I never gave it much thought,” I said, edging away from her, trying to give myself room to breathe. “I just always assumed I’d be with him.”
“But Shay—” Bryn said slowly.
“You said you loved him.” Ansel’s words sounded almost like an accusation.
“I do.” I met his gaze, knowing the price he’d paid for that love. “I didn’t lie about that, An. I love Shay. I want to be with him.”
“So what’s the problem?”
I curled my fingers around the side of the stone bench. “I don’t know if he belongs with me.” When I said it out loud, my heart gave an unpleasant thud, like a stone dropping against my rib cage.
“I don’t understand,” Bryn said. “He loves you. It’s obvious.”
“I know,” I said. “But he’s the Scion. I think . . . I think it might be changing him.”
Bryn tilted her head. “He was different? After he got the sword?”
I nodded. An awkward silence settled on us, broken only by the sound of birds chirping above our heads and the rustle of leaves in the breeze.
“I never thought about that,” Ansel said finally.
Bryn couldn’t meet my gaze. “Me neither.”
I bit my lip, taking a long, slow breath. “So what do I do?”
“Do you still want Ren?”
I listened to my own heartbeat for a minute before answering. “Yes.”
“That’s one hot mess, Cal.” Ansel smiled at me. I almost snapped at him before I realized he was trying to lighten the mood.
“You sound like Mason,” I said, making a weak attempt at laughter.
“Well, he is my best friend,” Ansel said.
Bryn took my hand. “Calla, Ren’s an alpha, but so is Shay. It makes sense that you’d be drawn to both of them. You and Ren have a lot of history, which has to make this even harder.”
“Is there an answer somewhere in there?” I forced myself to laugh, squeezing her fingers.
“She’s telling you there isn’t an answer,” Ansel said, smiling when Bryn blew him a kiss.
“There isn’t an answer?” I couldn’t figure out why they looked so happy. This was what they considered helping me? Then I remembered: they were still basking in puppy love. Why couldn’t I have puppy love? I only seemed to have “I can’t decide if I want to rip your throat out or kiss you” love. Ugh.
“There isn’t an answer yet,” Ansel continued. “Ren and Shay both love you. They both could be your mate.”
“That doesn’t mean they both will be your mate.” Bryn giggled. “I don’t think they’re that kinky . . . but you might be able to talk them into it.”
“Bryn!” I shoved her off the bench.
“Nice one.” Ansel doubled over laughing.
“I hate you guys,” I said, still mortified. “No wonder I don’t talk about my feelings.”
“You don’t hate us.” Bryn smiled. “You love us. And we love you.”
“We always will, Calla,” Ansel said. “We can’t tell you the answer because you’re the only one who can figure this out. You have to choose.”
“Though I’d try to hold off until this war sorts itself out,” Bryn said. “If Ren is fitting in with the Searchers, we can’t afford to lose him. And Shay—well, if he leaves, the war is over before it starts.”
“I know,” I said. I guessed I was stuck in the same place as I’d been since Shay first appeared in my
life, caught between two loves, two destinies. And it didn’t look like I’d be getting out of this fix for a while.
“But we’ll be here for you,” Bryn continued. “We love you no matter what you decide.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Those guys can duke it out forever,” Ansel said. “But you’re our one and only, Cal. You’re the alpha.”
This time I couldn’t stop it. Tears snuck out of the corner of my eyes.
“Hey, look.” Ansel smiled. “She really does have feelings!”
“Shut up.” I laughed, brushing the streaks of salt water off my cheeks. “And thanks.”
“No problem.” He stood up. He was still smiling, but his gaze had a hard edge. I was still puzzling over his expression when I heard Tess shout.
“Who’s thirsty?” She waved, beckoning to us and pointing toward a wrought-iron gazebo.
“That doesn’t look like lemonade,” Bryn said. “That looks like a picnic.”
“Tess rocks.” Ansel ran toward the promise of lunch, forsaking us for the good of his stomach.
Bryn put her arm around my waist. “He’s really getting better. I think it’s going to be okay.”
“Good,” I said, leaning my head on her shoulder.
For the first time in a long, long while my heart unclenched, my muscles relaxed. I didn’t know where love would lead me, but my pack would always be at my side. More than anything else, that was what mattered.
PART II
WATER
NINE
PLANS FOR RETRIEVING Eydis—the water hilt—were already in motion. The Roving Academy’s halls were buzzing with excitement. Even the threads in the walls seemed to sparkle a bit brighter, as if lit with hope after our successful retrieval of the first sword.
“Eydis is in the Yucatán.” Ren was walking beside me after dinner. “They’re setting up our staging ground with the Eydis Guide—her name is Inez. The hideout is in Tulúm. Anika thinks we all need a good night’s sleep before making the next strike. So we’re leaving tomorrow afternoon.”
“Not the morning?” I asked.
He shook his head. “She said something about the tides not being right. I didn’t quite follow.”
“So I guess you’ve become the Guardian point person for the Searchers,” I said. “Nice work, alpha.”
“Thanks.” He smiled, but caught me with a sidelong glance. “That okay with you?”
“It’s who you are,” I said, trying to keep my voice neutral. “And the more Searchers that trust us, the better.”
“Agreed.”
In the space of hours we’d been back, I’d already noticed the change rippling through the Academy. Prior to the strike on Tordis most Searchers had eyed me with curiosity at best, outrage at worst. Now that outrage had become curiosity while the curiosity had grown into outright admiration. A few Searchers had even stopped me in the hall to thank me for joining them. I was a little thrown by all of it.
Ren stopped walking; I frowned at him and then realized we were standing in front of my door.
“This is you,” he said in a tight voice. I wondered how he knew where my room was. Had he just noted my lingering scent at this spot, or had he taken the time to find out where I was staying?
“Sleep, huh?” I avoided his gaze. “Well, I’m exhausted, so I’ll be happy to follow Anika’s orders.”
“Calla, I have to ask you something.”
My heart started to climb up my throat. I forced myself to look at him. “Yeah?”
He fixed me with a hard stare. “Let me come.”
“What?” I managed to choke out only that word. Come where? In the room? To sleep with me? My hands began to shake.
“Tomorrow,” he said. “Anika’s mission only has one team and she told me you’re leading it because you’re the one Shay trusts.”
“Oh!” I laughed as my stomach stopped flipping. “I guess . . .”
“What?” He looked puzzled when I hesitated.
It was my turn to stare him down. “I need to know if I can trust you.”
He leaned against my door. I couldn’t tell if he was hurt or angry. Or both.
“You don’t trust me.”
“With Shay,” I finished.
His jaw clenched, but he didn’t speak.
“Shay is the Scion.” I kept my voice steady. “He’s the central part of the mission. If he gets in trouble, I need to be sure . . .”
He pushed himself off the door, glaring at me. “You think I would intentionally let Shay get hurt? Or that I might hurt him myself?”
“You’ve threatened him before.” I could barely stop myself from shouting. When it came to Shay, all my defensive instincts kicked in with a fury. “More times than I can count!”
“That’s different, Calla.” His voice was growing louder too, gaining a few glances from Searchers passing in the hall. “That’s here. That’s about us. War has different rules. I would never—”
He stopped speaking, fists clenched, and took a deep breath. “I would never risk someone as important as the Scion in the field.” He spit the words. “I understand what’s at stake.”
I forced my temper down, swallowing its bitterness. I knew he was speaking the truth. “Fine. I believe you. You can come.”
Ren’s fists were still balled up; the veins in his forearms throbbed. I reached out, but he pulled away.
“Don’t.” He didn’t meet my eyes.
It felt like he’d punched me in the gut, and part of me wished he had. I’d rather fight with Ren than see this loss written on his face.
“Ren,” I whispered. “I’m glad you want to come. I need you tomorrow.”
He turned to look at me, and I caught a sudden flare in the darkness of his eyes. “Only tomorrow?”
I swallowed hard, not able to break from his gaze but not able to speak either.
One corner of his mouth twitched into a crooked smile. He reached up, placing his fingers under my jaw so lightly I could barely feel the touch.
“Thanks, Lily.” His fingers moved up over my chin to rest on my lips. His other hand took mine; it wasn’t until he was gazing at my fingers that I realized his thumb was circling the sapphire of the ring I wore. The ring he’d given me. “Good night.”
He turned and walked down the hall. I watched until he was out of sight, wondering where his room was and pretending I wasn’t wondering about where his room was. I leaned against my door, turning the knob, and let myself fall rather than walk into the room. These missions, this work of remaking the world, made for a weariness like nothing I’d felt before. It wasn’t just the physical strain, it was the weight of emotion that we shouldered on this path. And Shay shouldered the most weight of all. As I collapsed onto my bed, I wondered if he was okay. He’d been shuttered with Anika and Silas most of the day, reviewing the lore of the Elemental Cross. After that, he’d gone with Ethan, Connor, and Adne for more combat practice. He had one of the swords now, and they’d wasted no time getting him used to the new weapon.
Had he finished? Was he in his own room now, like me, staring up at a night sky so clouded that you couldn’t see any stars or even a hint of moonlight? A part of me wanted to go to him, to find him in his room like I had last night. Sleeping with his body curled next to mine offered a sense of comfort unlike any other, and lying in bed without him provoked an ache deep within me. I rolled out of bed, taking a few steps toward the door before growling my frustration and flinging myself back on the mattress. Twisting blankets around me like a cocoon, I dug my fingers into the coverlet. I couldn’t go to Shay now, no matter how magnetic his pull seemed. And he hadn’t come looking for me, which stung more than I wanted to admit.
My heart and mind were constantly chasing conflicting impulses. I didn’t want to seek out one or the other of the two alphas only to slink away from his bed the next morning. Last night with Shay had been selfish, and I couldn’t indulge those tendencies any longer. Especially since Ren had proven his value to the Searchers
today. I hadn’t been lying to him—I needed him tomorrow. Beyond that . . . I couldn’t go there. Not yet.
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I woke in a tangle of sheets that showed me how restless the night had been. Bleary-eyed and more than a little cranky, I decided the best solution was a long shower. The added possibility of an omelet overfilled with the abundance of the Searchers’ garden managed to perk me up a little.
Despite the trudge to the baths, the facilities were impressive. I stood under a wide spout that drenched me in warm water, the pressure not unlike a waterfall. Using the salt scrub I’d picked out—one of many washes and oils lined up in etched-crystal containers on slender teak shelves outside the showers—I scoured myself, trying to wash away lingering sleep. The scent of lavender and mint that infused the scrub helped; there were a variety of scents among the jars. All of which carried the freshness of flowers and herbs. Clearly the Academy gardens provided more than just food and medicinal creations for the Searchers. Bryn must have been overjoyed by this bounty—I was surprised she wasn’t in the baths all day.
Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my body and headed back toward the room where I’d stowed my clothes. When I stepped out of the thick steam into the open space between the baths and the changing rooms, I froze. For a moment I wondered if I was dreaming, but the water dripping from my hair onto my shoulders and collarbone told me I wasn’t.
“Hey.” My heart leapt into my throat. Ren was standing in front of me, his chest bare. He finished securing a towel low around his hips, and a pile of clothes lay folded on a chair next to him. He glanced back at the door to the baths. “Did I . . . uh . . . is this a girls’ bathroom? I was here yesterday and I didn’t see . . . uh . . .”
“There are separate dressing rooms over there.” I laughed despite the awkwardness. “I think the Searchers just share the showers.”
“How progressive of them.” Ren grinned. His eyes slid over my water-slick limbs. “You look squeaky clean, Lily.”