“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, rubbing his reddened skin. “I was just trying to be honest.”
“Honest about giving me up?!” I refused to cry, so I kept shouting. “Honest about not loving me?!”
I stumbled away from him, muscles quivering with rage and shame. I’d seen this coming. He wasn’t mine. Now that he was the Scion, his destiny was all that mattered. Didn’t he understand that I’d abandoned mine for his sake? Betrayal stung up and down my chest like the fury of a dozen wasps, making it hard to breathe.
“Calla.” He was behind me, turning me gently to face him.
“How dare you?!” I beat my fist against his chest. “How dare you try to push me away?!”
“I could never . . .”
“You just did.” My teeth were sharp and I was ready to attack him all over again.
He put his hands on my shoulders. “Just listen to me. I’m not trying to push you away. I’m trying to give you what you deserve. Ren loves you.”
“Stop saying that,” I snarled. I didn’t want to hear any more about Ren loving me. I wanted Shay to take away my growing fear that he didn’t want me . . . that maybe he’d never loved me.
“And you love him,” Shay said. I fell silent, surprised not only by his words but by the way he held my gaze. I watched pain flare in his eyes. “I didn’t want to face it, but it’s true. You love him, Calla.”
It took me a moment to catch my breath. I threaded my fingers through his, finally understanding what Shay was trying to do. He was giving me a choice. He was setting me free. “You’re right. I love him.”
He sighed, but I tightened my grip on his hand.
“But not the way I love you,” I said.
I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his, waiting until he responded to the kiss. He pulled me closer, the soft kiss building in heat and strength as it lingered between us.
“It doesn’t matter that Ren and I have a past,” I whispered against his mouth. “You’re my future. You’re the path I chose from the moment I saved you on the mountain.”
He didn’t speak, but rested his forehead against mine.
“You will make it through this fight, Shay,” I said. “You have to. I will not lose you.”
He laughed quietly and kissed me. “I’ll do my best. I’d hate to disappoint my alpha.”
“And I can’t afford to lose my alpha,” I said.
His smile remained, but light flared in his eyes. “You mean me?”
“You know I do. You’ve always known who you are to me—to the pack. Even before I did. You were a lone wolf. Then you found us.”
“I didn’t know who I was or where I belonged until I met you,” he said, leaning down to brush his lips across my cheek.
“So, alpha . . .” I took his hand. “You ready to go get the bad guys?”
“If you insist,” he said, placing one last gentle kiss on my lips. He paused just before we reached the door. “Calla, I’m sorry . . . I just wanted—”
“I know what you wanted, Shay,” I said, lifting his fingers to my mouth and gently kissing them. “And that’s why I love you.”
TWENTY-ONE
WE LEFT THE ROOM. Shay shifted into wolf form in the hallway, as did I. Searchers passing by occasionally exchanged hushed murmurs or gave us startled looks. But the most common reactions were nods of respect or knowing smiles.
Shay wagged his tail. Nice to be part of the team.
Still a little odd. I nipped his shoulder. But yeah. It’s nice.
I watched Shay’s ears flicking back and forth, his eyes alert as we moved. He’d adjusted to his wolf self so naturally. Sometimes I felt like he truly had been a lone wolf when I’d met him—he just hadn’t found his wolf half yet. As much as his “talk” with Ren made me want to bite both of them hard, their negotiations over my status were so classically alpha male behavior it was almost funny. Almost.
We trotted down the hall toward Haldis Tactical, our toenails clicking on marble. Anika was sitting at the large round table with Bryn, Mason, Ansel, and Tess. Mason chomped on the largest sandwich I’d ever seen.
Catching sight of us, he pulled it close to his chest. “You didn’t come to the kitchen. I’m not sharing.”
I shifted forms and laughed. “I don’t think I could eat right now.”
“Good.” He grinned, still baring his fangs. “I’m starved and this sandwich is my own masterpiece.”
Ansel coughed.
“With Ansel’s assistance, of course.” Mason nodded at my brother.
“You sitting in on this?” I asked him.
“He’s going,” Mason said around a mouthful of sandwich.
I glared at the Arrow. “What’s this?”
Tess jumped in before Anika could answer. “He’s staying with me, Calla.”
“I’m helping the Elixirs clear casualties,” Ansel said. I winced at the accusatory look he shot me. “The Weavers will be bringing wounded off the field as fast as they can. They need helpers who won’t be in the battle.”
“That’s great, An,” I said. He dropped his eyes as his anger gave way to humiliation.
Great, Calla. Nice move. I wished I hadn’t hurt his feelings, but the truth was, I didn’t want Ansel anywhere near this fight. Without his wolf he’d be much too vulnerable. And it wasn’t only that I was worried he couldn’t fight as a human. With everything Ansel had been through—and how I knew he was still feeling—I worried he’d purposely try to get himself killed.
Anika pushed a chair out and I sat down beside her. Bryn, in the next chair over, leaned in to hug me.
“Glad I’m not missing all the heroics this round,” she whispered. “You okay?”
“Surviving,” I said.
She squeezed my shoulders. “That’s what we do best.”
I gripped her fingers, giving her as much of a smile as I could manage.
“Everybody’s already here?” Connor came into the room with Adne at his side. “Does that mean we’re late?”
They were both flushed, but had done a pretty good job of making themselves presentable . . . or at least appearing only slightly rumpled after a “nap.” Mason snickered anyway. Connor rubbed the back of his neck uneasily, but a mischievous smile hovered on Adne’s lips.
“You’re actually right on time,” Anika said, gesturing for them to sit. I thought I heard the hint of laughter in her voice, though her expression remained solemn.
“Glad to hear it.” Ren smiled as he entered the room. His hair was damp. I guessed he had decided to make a trip to the baths.
He was about to take a seat beside me when he stopped. His nose wrinkled. He stared at me and then at Shay, who was watching him from the other side of the table, arms folded across his chest.
A growl rumbled out of Ren’s throat. “What the hell . . .”
I stood up. “Ren, don’t. Not now.”
“Why is your scent all over her?” He ignored me, glaring at Shay. “You two were together? What were you doing? I thought we had an agreement.”
“So did I,” Shay said. “But someone convinced me that it was stupid and I was very, very wrong.”
Ren leaned on the table, snarling. “It’s time for me to teach you a lesson that’s long overdue.”
Shay didn’t move, but he smiled. “You’re welcome to try.”
“Stop!” I shoved Ren as hard as I could, sending him several steps back from the table.
“Stay out of this, Lily!” He only glanced at me for a second before returning his outraged stare to Shay.
“The hell I will!” I put myself between him and Shay, forcing Ren to look at me. “Is this the kind of love you want from me? Love that’s chosen for me instead of being my own?”
He stopped growling. “Calla . . .”
“I know that’s all you’ve ever been taught to do,” I said. “But that is not how I want to live. Do you understand?”
“So . . . it’s him, then.” He dropped his gaze.
> “Stop talking about him,” I said. “This is about me. My life. My choice. And if you really stopped to think about it, you wouldn’t want me any other way. If you have a problem with that, I’ll kick your ass. Right here. Right now.”
He looked at me then. “You’re something else, Lily.”
“Don’t forget it,” I said, relieved that he’d begun to smile.
Connor coughed. “So, uh . . . about the end of the world.”
Ren laughed, heading for the table. When he passed me, he bent his head, voice low. “This isn’t over.”
I didn’t answer. But for me it was over. I knew what I felt, who I wanted, but sharing that with Ren had to wait until after the fight.
When we had all settled around the table, Anika unrolled a large map. I stared at it, my breath catching at the sight of Rowan Estate’s grounds laid starkly before me.
When I looked up, I met Anika’s hard gaze.
“If we’re going to succeed,” she said. “This is what has to happen.”
Anika fell silent, the battle strategy still ringing in our ears. Ren’s hands were folded on the table in front of him. If I didn’t know him better, I would have thought he was meditating. Shay paced alongside Anika. The Elemental Cross hung in two sheaths at his back. I could sense their power even from where I sat, but Shay moved casually, as if he barely noticed the swords’ presence.
Bryn was holding Ansel’s hand. Tess had her arm around his shoulders.
I was wondering if I could do what I would need to do. Kill who I would have to kill.
“We are all gonna die.” Mason leaned back in his chair. “That’s for sure.”
I swallowed a growl when Shay met my eyes.
“Shut up, Mason,” I said.
“Just trying to keep things in perspective.” Mason grinned. “It’ll be a good fight, though. I’m okay going out like this.”
“Mason,” Bryn snarled at him. “Like Calla said, shut up.”
“Our chances are slim,” Anika said. “But this is the only way.”
Ren leaned forward. “This plan rides on Nev and Ethan.”
Anika nodded.
“Have you heard anything from them?” he asked.
“No,” she said. “But we don’t have time to wait. We must attack tonight before the Keepers have time to amass forces when they realize we have the cross. Without catching the Keepers off guard, we’ll never be able to pin the Harbinger down.”
“You’re also relying on Logan,” I said. It was the part of the plan that left a bad taste in my mouth. “And he isn’t reliable.”
Mason snarled. “He shouldn’t be part of this.”
“We don’t have a choice,” Anika said. “His blood oath enables him to summon the Harbinger. Without that ritual, the Scion will fail.”
“If Logan hadn’t turned up,” Mason said, “how were you going to get this ritual done?”
“We’d intended to capture a Keeper and force them to do it,” Anika said. “And we can still force Logan to act for us if he has indeed turned traitor.”
“And you really think the five of us will be enough?” I asked, glancing at my companions.
“You retrieved Pyralis,” Anika answered. “And the rest of us will be engaged on the main front while you enter the estate. We’ll shield you from attack.”
“Except from Bosque,” Shay muttered.
“Which raises one last issue,” Anika said.
“There’s another issue besides Shay’s demon uncle?” Mason asked. “Wonderful.”
“Once Bosque has been summoned, he’ll likely call the Fallen to his aid.”
“Those zombie things?” Shay said. “Well, at least they aren’t fast.”
“They aren’t zombies,” Connor said.
Anika nodded. “They may be slow moving, but they are the husks left of people driven insane by torment. And their attack is just as deadly as a physical assault.”
“Their attack?” My skin crawled, remembering their shuffling gait and Ethan’s cry of grief when he’d recognized his own brother among the Fallen.
“Their touch brings instant madness,” Anika said. “You must not let them touch you.”
“Can they be killed?” Ren asked.
“They’ll go down if you cut their heads off,” Connor said. “But if you bite them, you’ll regret it. And we’ll probably have to kill you.”
Ren growled at him. “You’ll have to what?”
“One of the reasons the Harrowing was so costly for us”—Anika’s face paled—“was the arrival of the Fallen. Our friends and family reduced to that horror, and when our Guardian allies tried to fight them—”
“The Guardians attacked the Fallen?” I folded my arms across my chest so I wouldn’t shudder.
“Yes. And their minds were overtaken by their worst nightmares,” Anika said quietly. “They turned on each other, on us. We didn’t understand what was happening until it was too late.”
“So the moral of the story is: wolfies leave the Fallen to us,” Connor said, patting his sword hilt.
“Gladly,” Mason said, shoving away the last bites of his sandwich.
More Searchers arrived in small groups, their mood somber as they gathered in Haldis Tactical. One by one Weavers began to open doors, and I knew this deployment was happening all over the Academy as the Searcher army moved into position outside Rowan Estate. Anika rose from her chair.
“We’ll fight with all we have to buy you time,” she said, and then turned to Shay. “All our hopes are with you.”
He gave her a thin smile. “Thanks.”
As we stood up, Tess came over and took my hand.
“We’ll be working from the Eydis Sanctuary,” she said. “That’s where they want us to bring the wounded.”
A lump rose in my throat and I nodded. “Be safe.”
“Thanks for lending me your brother, Calla,” she said. “The Elixirs are grateful too. He’s been a great help to us.”
“Take care of him,” I said.
“Of course.” She squeezed my hand.
Ansel tried to sneak behind Tess, but I grabbed his arm.
“Don’t say good-bye,” he mumbled, not looking at me. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I’m not saying good-bye.” I dug my fingers into his arm and he stared at me in surprise. “This is a warning, Ansel. You stay with Tess. Any running off, any stupid heroics and I will hunt you down myself no matter what’s happening on the battlefield. You are still my baby brother and I am still your alpha. I’m not going to let you get hurt out there.”
He nodded, still wide-eyed. I wrapped my arms around him, knowing I’d be too far from him to track his movements during the attack. But I hoped he’d at least listen to me and that some of his instincts to obey his alpha might still be lingering.
I turned, sensing someone behind me.
“He’ll be fine,” Ren said, searching my eyes with his own. “Tess won’t let anything happen to him.”
“I know,” I said, forcing a smile.
“So the plan really pissed you off, huh,” Ren said as we walked toward Adne, who’d begun to weave the door our party would take to Vail.
“Did you expect me to be happy when I found out?”
“I didn’t bet on Shay telling you about it,” Ren said. “He over-shares.”
“I appreciate honesty,” I said. “It’s a winning trait.”
“I honestly will play dirty to win this fight,” he said. “Is that a winning trait?”
“Drop it.”
Shay and Connor were standing near Adne, watching the shimmering portal take shape.
I glanced at Shay. Ren waved at him and Shay made a rude gesture at Ren, but then gave me a sad smile that made my chest tighten. Did he really believe he wouldn’t survive this fight?
The tightness in my chest became so painful I had to close my eyes to push it away. My mind had to be in this fight, no matter what else might be tugging at my heart. I couldn’t afford to think abou
t what this war would ultimately cost me.
Mason came up to us, grinning. “You guys ready to roll?”
“You look awfully happy.” I eyed him warily. “Considering.”
“I miss Nev.” He shrugged. “Sure, it’s a war and all, but at least he’ll be there. I’ll take what I can get.”
Ren slapped him on the back. “I love you, man.”
“Of course you do.” Mason smoothed his hair back. “I’m irresistible.”
Bryn tossed her curls. “I think this fight is going to be fun.”
“I hope you’re right,” I said.
“All right, hellhounds.” Connor was waving at us. “Get your butts through that door.”
“We are not hellhounds,” I growled. “We are wolves.”
“Really?” Connor gave me a crestfallen look. “You didn’t like my new nickname for your pack? I thought it was inspired or maybe awe inspiring. You know, like Hell’s Angels.”
“We’re not a motorcycle gang either, dude,” Ren said, then he shifted into wolf form and bounded through the portal.
“Are his jokes always this bad?” Bryn asked.
“Usually.” I smiled at Connor. “But don’t tell him that. I’d hate to hurt his feelings.”
Connor shook his head. “Alas, I will always be unsung.”
“Yep.” Shay smiled. “I’d say you’re right.”
“Thank God for that.” I flashed a grin at him, shifted, and leapt after Ren.
My paws crunched into snow that reached the middle of my legs. The moon hung high above us, offering considerable light despite the late hour. Adne’s portal opened onto a crest at the edge of the forest. The grounds of Rowan Estate stretched out below us. The garden with its curving paths and sculpted hedges lay cloaked in shadow. Caught in early winter’s grasp, the fountains were dry and the flower beds empty, devoid of the life that made gardens so inviting.
At intervals along the forest ridge and at points closer to the gardens other winking lights appeared. Shadows moved under the night sky. The Searchers were arriving, our forces gathering. As our numbers amassed, the strike teams began to move forward into the garden, making their way toward the manor house. Rowan Estate’s windows were black. The stately home stood silent, giving every indication that it was empty.