LETTER XV
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
I have just now had a specimen of what the resentment of this dearcreature will be when quite recovered: an affecting one!--For enteringher apartment after Dorcas; and endeavouring to soothe and pacify herdisordered mind; in the midst of my blandishments, she held up to Heaven,in a speechless agony, the innocent license (which she has in her ownpower); as the poor distressed Catalans held up their English treaty,on an occasion that keeps the worst of my actions in countenance.
She seemed about to call down vengeance upon me; when, happily the leadengod, in pity to her trembling Lovelace, waved over her half-drowned eyeshis somniferous want, and laid asleep the fair exclaimer, before shecould go half through with her intended imprecation.
Thou wilt guess, by what I have written, that some little art has beenmade use of: but it was with a generous design (if thou'lt allow me theword on such an occasion) in order to lessen the too-quick sense she waslikely to have of what she was to suffer. A contrivance I never hadoccasion for before, and had not thought of now, if Mrs. Sinclair had notproposed it to me: to whom I left the management of it: and I have donenothing but curse her ever since, lest the quantity should have for everdampened her charming intellects.
Hence my concern--for I think the poor lady ought not to have been sotreated. Poor lady, did I say?--What have I to do with thy creepingstyle?--But have not I the worst of it; since her insensibility has mademe but a thief to my own joys?
I did not intend to tell thee of this little innocent trick; for such Idesigned it to be; but that I hate disingenuousness: to thee, especially:and as I cannot help writing in a more serious vein than usual, thouwouldst perhaps, had I not hinted the true cause, have imagined that Iwas sorry for the fact itself: and this would have given thee a good dealof trouble in scribbling dull persuasives to repair by matrimony; and mein reading thy cruel nonsense. Besides, one day or other, thou mightest,had I not confessed it, have heard of it in an aggravated manner; and Iknow thou hast such an high opinion of this lady's virtue, that thouwouldst be disappointed, if thou hadst reason to think that she wassubdued by her own consent, or any the least yielding in her will. Andso is she beholden to me in some measure, that, at the expense of myhonour, she may so justly form a plea, which will entirely salve her's.
And now is the whole secret out.
Thou wilt say I am a horrid fellow!--As the lady does, that I am theunchained Beelzebub, and a plotting villain: and as this is what you bothsaid beforehand, and nothing worse can be said, I desire, if thou wouldstnot have me quite serious with thee, and that I should think thou meanestmore by thy tilting hint than I am willing to believe thou dost, thatthou wilt forbear thy invectives: For is not the thing done?--Can it behelped?--And must I not now try to make the best of it?--And the ratherdo I enjoin to make thee this, and inviolable secrecy; because I beginto think that my punishment will be greater than the fault, were it to beonly from my own reflection.